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Author Topic: Sensible Observation
vanilla
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two " and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.."

--Dave Barry


6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when her parents took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez


13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld


14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson


15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde


16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain


17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student! At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown


18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

-- W. C. Fields


And lastly:

Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?

--------------------
I swear, it was funnier in my head.
Yeah, I used to be pink. vanilla_pink.

Posts: 2493 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Communication Attempt
Jingle Bell Hock


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I think John Wing or Lewis Black said number 1

--------------------
"I love God,he's so deliciously evil!" -Stewie,Family Guy

The fun thing about standards is that they come in so many varieties.

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Goombah
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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And I'd just about bet that #2 was said by Rita Rudner.

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Ok guys, try to remember this time. It's pillage first, then burn.

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dfresh
Deck the Malls


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#1 was said by Jack Handy, if I recall correctly.
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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Aw, man...I'm disappointed. I was hoping that this would be more right-wing xenophobia passed off as "common sense."

--------------------
I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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Wow. I thought #1 was Emo Phillips.

--------------------
"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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evilrabbit
Jingle Bell Hock


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#1 has been said by a lot of people. The problem is finding out who said it first.

--------------------
"My sandwich choice is uncertain, until I actually order. It's like Schrodinger's Sandwich."
"Is plutonium involved in this sandwich in any way?"
"Maybe."

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Pogue Ma-humbug
Happy Christmas (Malls are Open)


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quote:
Originally posted by evilrabbit:
#1 has been said by a lot of people. The problem is finding out who said it first.

Heck. I remember it as an old joke from my childhood. It sounds like an old Vaudeville line, if anything.

Pogue

--------------------
Let's drink to the causes in your life:
Your family, your friends, the union, your wife.

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jessboo
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by vanilla:



14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

Was anyone taught this? We had to go and line up in the playground and have the register called.

--------------------
Join me on Lost - www.lost.eu/edcf

Do you have any wine? All of this would go a lot smoother in an altered state of reality.

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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by TB Tabby:
Aw, man...I'm disappointed. I was hoping that this would be more right-wing xenophobia passed off as "common sense."

There's something for everybody:

quote:
Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?
... unless I'm missing the joke.
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Tarquin Farquart
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by jessBOO:
quote:
Originally posted by vanilla:



14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

Was anyone taught this? We had to go and line up in the playground and have the register called.
We had to line up in alphabetical order. Made doing the register easier I suppose.

--------------------
I shall baffle you with cabbages and rhinoceroses in the kitchen and incessant quotations from "Now We Are Six" through the mouthpiece of Lord Snooty's giant poisoned electric head. So there!

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Mickey Blue
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I never heard of lining up a specific way inside the building, the idea was to briskly but carefully and safely exit the building to a designated area.. Lining up after the fact may be relevant, I see no reason to have a policy that keeps kids inside the building longer then necessary unless safety can be gleaned from it.

--------------------
"All people are responsible for the good that they didn't do"

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ToadMagnet
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by jessBOO:
quote:
Originally posted by vanilla:



14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

Was anyone taught this? We had to go and line up in the playground and have the register called.
Yeah, we did this - our fire drill lines were the same as every other "organize the little people and march them about and/or make them sing" lines, shortest to tallest. I guess TPTB figured habit would be the most effective organization factor in a crisis situation.

Toad"Sister Edwina's arrival usually constituted a crisis"Magnet

--------------------
Listen ... it's Mellow!

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