I've seen lists like this one, but not these exact tips. I certainly chuckled at a lot of them. Please chow if necessary!
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
Confuse other drivers by cutting some aerobaord to the Shape and size of your car bonnet and roof. Once applied (during summer months) people will think your car's been snowed on.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", simply shout "Help!", thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
-------------------- If you don't cry it isn't love If you don't cry then you just don't feel it deep enough Posts: 238 | From: Ireland | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by James G.: In the UK PC also stands for police constable. (For some reason they stick a W infront of it for women, which seems slightly unecessary, and, dare I say it, Un-PC. Ahem.)
I've seen this somewere before, although don't know if it was on snopes or in my inbox.
I'm fairly sure they don't use 'WPC' officially any more. My understanding was when it was used 'WPC' was a seperate rank; now women can attain all of the same ranks as men, they have the same titles. Which doesn't stop people and occaisionally newspapers saying 'WPC'.
-------------------- 'When the world is dead and gone, we will still be Rocking On!' (J.P.McCartney) Posts: 154 | From: Yorkshire, England | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by jessBOO: Loving the very small horse [snip]
Yes, but everyone knows you get a better effect with two halves of coconut!!
But the pistachios are easier for the swallow to carry.
-------------------- I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks. Posts: 942 | From: Illinois | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
quote:RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
These two almost made YOMANK. In class. While watching a video about drag queens. And drinking a diet Pepsi.
-------------------- "For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any." -Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
MOTORISTS Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.
-------------------- I am not taking lectures on physics from a man in tights. Posts: 236 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2005
| IP: Logged |