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Author Topic: New Tip Top Tips
remigo
Deck the Malls


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I've seen lists like this one, but not these exact tips. I certainly chuckled at a lot of them. Please chow if necessary!


DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p*ss before the film starts.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

Confuse other drivers by cutting some aerobaord to the Shape and size of your car bonnet and roof.
Once applied (during summer months) people will think your car's been snowed on.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", simply shout "Help!", thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

--------------------
If you don't cry it isn't love
If you don't cry then you just don't feel it deep enough

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BlueStar
Happy Holly Days


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Ah, good old Viz [Big Grin]
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surfcitydogdad
Jingle Bell Hock


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Lest anyone be offended at the above humor piece, I add my critique that it's just a humor piece. No need to "chow." And it's a pretty good parody of many similar lists of advice.

Blue Star, who is Viz? Please forgive my ignorance; I'm old and a left-coast Yank. [dunce]

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Only when we remake ourselves can we remake the world.
- Outer Limits (2001)

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by surfcitydogdad:
Lest anyone be offended at the above humor piece, I add my critique that it's just a humor piece. No need to "chow."

A "chow" indicates that a particular item has already been posted on the ULMB. It's not an indication that the chow poster is offended. It's not a comment on the content of the piece at all.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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SantasHobbit
Frosty the Salesman


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quote:
Originally posted by surfcitydogdad:


Blue Star, who is Viz? Please forgive my ignorance; I'm old and a left-coast Yank. [dunce]

Viz is a English comic with a rather risque and warped sense of humour. A lot of its content seems to end up on the internet unattributed.

--------------------
Angsty little hobbitssssses

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surfcitydogdad
Jingle Bell Hock


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Thanks, Lainie. I'm still trying to figure out e-mail & message board abbreviations and slang. "BTW" is the only one I regularly use! I don't IM or text message, either.

Thanks, Hobbit, for answering my query. I suspected as much. I like British humor. Viz sounds like Carlin or Gallagher, based on the above item.

"Bad grammar is something up with which I will not put!"

--------------------
Only when we remake ourselves can we remake the world.
- Outer Limits (2001)

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BlueStar
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by surfcitydogdad:

Blue Star, who is Viz? Please forgive my ignorance; I'm old and a left-coast Yank. [dunce]

Viz is a sometimes smutty, often crass and usually hillarious adult comic from the North East of England and the source of the "Top Tips" in the OP:

Wikipedia entry

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surfcitydogdad
Jingle Bell Hock


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Smutty? Crass? Sounds good. We all need some rude, non-PC ("politically correct") laughs sometimes.

--------------------
Only when we remake ourselves can we remake the world.
- Outer Limits (2001)

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ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Oh, is that what people mean when they say PC? I wondered why everyone was so up in arms about personal computers.

[fish] for myself of course.

--------------------
Officially Heartless

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surfcitydogdad
Jingle Bell Hock


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Thistle, I can't tell if you're joking or not (so kudos for being so dry, if you are kidding).

I put "politically correct" in parentheses because I was conversing with snopesters from UK and Oz, and you never know for sure what things mean from one place to another.

I've long thought it funny that that "PC" is the common abbreviation for two very different everyday terms!

Context clues should usually make the meaning clear, but with the topics at Snopes, there could certainly be situations where it could be confusing.

--------------------
Only when we remake ourselves can we remake the world.
- Outer Limits (2001)

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James G.
Xboxing Day


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In the UK PC also stands for police constable. (For some reason they stick a W infront of it for women, which seems slightly unecessary, and, dare I say it, Un-PC. Ahem.)

I've seen this somewere before, although don't know if it was on snopes or in my inbox.

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This is a public service announcement. The board is moving. Check Announcements Photos[/URL]

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surfcitydogdad
Jingle Bell Hock


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Yes; and since you mentioned "constable," James, I saw on another thread, just after I wrote my post above, that it's also the abbrev. for "probable cause."

--------------------
Only when we remake ourselves can we remake the world.
- Outer Limits (2001)

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jessboo
The First USA Noel


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Loving the very small horse and 'stand outside Etam'.

[Big Grin]

--------------------
Join me on Lost - www.lost.eu/edcf

Do you have any wine? All of this would go a lot smoother in an altered state of reality.

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Spooky Cactus
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by James G.:
In the UK PC also stands for police constable. (For some reason they stick a W infront of it for women, which seems slightly unecessary, and, dare I say it, Un-PC. Ahem.)

I've seen this somewere before, although don't know if it was on snopes or in my inbox.

I'm fairly sure they don't use 'WPC' officially any more. My understanding was when it was used 'WPC' was a seperate rank; now women can attain all of the same ranks as men, they have the same titles. Which doesn't stop people and occaisionally newspapers saying 'WPC'.

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'When the world is dead and gone, we will still be Rocking On!' (J.P.McCartney)

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paisley claus
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by jessBOO:
Loving the very small horse [snip]
[Big Grin]

Yes, but everyone knows you get a better effect with two halves of coconut!!

--------------------
"Oh, now we're going to start judging each other on things we've done?? Real fair!"

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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by paisley boo:
quote:
Originally posted by jessBOO:
Loving the very small horse [snip]
[Big Grin]

Yes, but everyone knows you get a better effect with two halves of coconut!!
But the pistachios are easier for the swallow to carry.

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I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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Muncle
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:
Originally posted by BlueStar:
quote:
Originally posted by surfcitydogdad:

Blue Star, who is Viz? Please forgive my ignorance; I'm old and a left-coast Yank. [dunce]

Viz is a sometimes smutty, often crass and usually hillarious adult comic from the North East of England and the source of the "Top Tips" in the OP:

Wikipedia entry

Great. Now you AND Viz OMANK.

And you also have to write my midterm, as I now have no time whatsoever to study.

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paisley claus
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by TB Tabby:
quote:
Originally posted by paisley boo:
quote:
Originally posted by jessBOO:
Loving the very small horse [snip]
[Big Grin]

Yes, but everyone knows you get a better effect with two halves of coconut!!
But the pistachios are easier for the swallow to carry.
[lol] [lol]

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"Oh, now we're going to start judging each other on things we've done?? Real fair!"

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Ink Rose
Deck the Malls


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That was actually funny, some of them had me guffawing outright. And some of it actually, okay ALL of it was better advice then your average glurge or inbox crapola.

--------------------
Website: http://stu.aii.edu/~krm184
Comic: http://elfhome.keenspace.com

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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quote:
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
quote:
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
These two almost made YOMANK. In class. While watching a video about drag queens. And drinking a diet Pepsi.

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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Toys for big boys.
Deck the Malls


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From the website:

MOTORISTS Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.

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I am not taking lectures on physics from a man in tights.

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