posted
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
Oh man this is good.......
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
-------------------- "Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain Posts: 173 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
ETA: Now that's what you call a serious spanking by Kal. It looks like my firefox cache issues stopped the rest of the thread being shown. Spooky how similar our posts were though...
quote:Originally posted by Filet o' Spamamander:
quote:Originally posted by wanderwoman:
quote:Originally posted by Izzy Quigley:
quote:Q: What do yo call a woman with a pint of beer on her head?
A: Beatrix
I feel stupid, but I just can't figure this one out. Can someone enlighten me?
Don't feel stupid, Izzy, I don't get that one either.
I'm wondering if maybe its a British pronounciation of the name? Beatrix sounding like "Bee-er-trix" (Beer Tricks). Otheriwse I'm lost too.
Sorry for the quote-tastic post, but yes, you are right.
Probably even more British:
What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
-------------------- Leashes?! We don't need no stinking leashes!! Posts: 4771 | From: The Berkeley of the East Coast: Montgomery County MD | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
why did Hitler shoot himself? he got the gas bill
why do anarchists drink herbal tea? proper tea is theft
how many Microsoft developers does it take to change a lightbulb? none. they just made darkness the new industry standard.
what's red and comes with salt, vinegar and ketchup? abortion of chips
how many trash-talkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? same number as it takes to screw in your mum
what do you call a mass extermination of fascists? the ironicaust
Two tourists, one Polish and one Czech, are on holiday in countryside outside a small village. On arrival they are warned by locals not to go too far out, as there are vicious bears roaming the area, able to eat a man whole, and they always hunt in pairs - usually parents. The two, being experienced travellers, shrug off the warnings as over-concern and continue on their trip, agreeing with the locals to make a call the following morning and let them know they were safe. Night falls and they set up their tent. Sure enough, within hours a couple of bears appear at their site and attack. The following afternoon, worried by the lack of contact, the locals send out a search party. Quite quickly they discover the camp site, with no sign of the two travellers. Nearby, however, is a large cave with both bears asleep in it. The locals shoot both bears and hesitantly cut open the stomach of the female. Sure enough, a distinctive necklace the Pole had been wearing is visible among the contents. Their worst fears confirmed, one of the locals looks up from the bear and says to the other, "Do you know what this means?" "Tell me." ... (sorry) "The Czech is in the male."
Jesus and Satan are having a computing competition. They each have to write 1000 words, without spelling mistakes, in 10 minutes. The two sit down and begin furiously typing. At the 9 minute mark, Satan, already at 970, sits back and basks in his imminent victory - inadvertently hitting the reset button for the bank of computers, causing both his and Jesus' to reboot. Satan shouts in anger, having lost all his work. Jesus, by contrast, simply shrugs, loads up his file and continues. Satan, incredulous, turns to the judge. "Why," he demands to know, "isn't he mad in the slightest?" The judge just shrugs. "Jesus saves."
why do computer scientists get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? OCT31 == DEC25
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more So she found a good way To combine work and play She sells C-shells by the sea shore
-------------------- Hello, I love you - won't you tell me your name? Hello! I'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?
quote:Originally posted by pinqy: По-чему плавает утка? По воде. Unfortunately, being wordplay, it doesn't translate into English at all: "Why does a duck swim? On water." The equivalent joke in English is "How do you get down from an elephant."
pinqy
Ah, memories...
-------------------- Ladies and gentlemen, chlorinate your gene pools! Posts: 250 | From: Brooklyn, New York | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
What's big, white and can't climb trees? A big white tree climbing machine... that's broken.
Posts: 124 | From: London, England | Registered: May 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England: (I once told this joke to a British School Kid. I don't think her mum was amused, so perhaps I should preface this with NFBSK.)
Knock, knock. Who's there? Nicholas. Nicholas who? Nicholas ladies shouldn't climb trees.
I don't get it.
-------------------- If you keep trying, you'll eventually succeed. Therefore, the more you fail, the higher your chances of success. -- Jacques Rouxel, 1931-2004 RIP :( Posts: 406 | From: Paris, France | Registered: Jan 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England: (I once told this joke to a British School Kid. I don't think her mum was amused, so perhaps I should preface this with NFBSK.)
Knock, knock. Who's there? Nicholas. Nicholas who? Nicholas ladies shouldn't climb trees.
I don't get it.
Nicholas sounds a bit like knicker-less. Knicker-less ladies shouldn't climb trees (if they are wearing a skirt.)
-------------------- "Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people." Posts: 997 | From: Maidstone, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I used to know this guy who wrote really bad puns, so bad that no one ever laughed at any of them. He got tired of the fact that his puns never made anyone laugh, and set about to change it. So one day he wrote down what he considered to be his ten best puns and showed them to everybody he met, figuring that one of them would make somebody laugh. But unfortunately... ...no pun in ten did.
posted
There was this Cardinal in the Catholic Church who really wanted to become Pope some day. The only problem was that back in WWII, he'd been a pilot, and had been horribly injured in a plane crash. He'd lost one of his arms and one of his eyes, and his skin was so badly burned that it turned purple. The Vatican told him that there was no way the church could accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying, purple Papal leader.
posted
Santa suddenly finds that he is afraid to climb down chimneys due to the confinement. This is a horrible problem as he won't be able to deliver toys. He searches high and low for someone who can help him. Finally, he finds a psychiatrist who discovers the problem. The psychiatrist tells him...
"You have Claus-trophobia".
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Man: Doctor, last night I dreamed I was a wig-wam. The night before I dreamed I was a tee-pee. Doctor: You're two tents.
-------------------- IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan Posts: 3694 | From: Arizona | Registered: Aug 2005
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Pierre, the french fighter pilot, is on a date with a young lady. They go on a picnic in the country. After a while, the young lady turns to pierre...
"Oh, kiss me pierre!"
Pierre goes into the basket, and pulls out a bottle of red wine, and splashes it into the girls face, and then kisses her passionately on the lips.
"Oh pierre, why did you do that?"
"Because I am Pierre, the french fighter pilot, and when I have red meat, I like red wine!" he replies.
A little while later, things are heating up on the date.
"Kiss me lower down pierre!"
Pierre rips off the young ladies blouse and bra, grabs a bottle of white wine from the picnic basket, and splashes it across her breasts, and then starts kissing them passionately.
"Oh pierre, why did you do that?" the young lady gasps
"Because I am pierre, the french fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like white wine!"
"Oh pierre!"
A little while later again, and things have heated up even more.
"Pierre... I want you to kiss me... Lower down"
Pierre rips off the young ladys underwear, goes into the picnic basket, grabs a bottle of brandy and splashes it between his dates legs, pulls out a lighter and sets the brandy alight. As his date is beating out the fire, she shouts at him
"Pierre you NSFBSK!!! Why the hell would you do something like that?"
"Because I am Pierre, the french fighter pilot, and when I go down... I go down in flames!"
-------------------- This Space For Rent. Posts: 210 | From: Glasgow, Scotland | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?
Coincidence on 34th Street
-------------------- Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish Posts: 2036 | From: Virginia | Registered: Jul 2002
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1. A newspaper 2. A sunburned penguin 3. An embarrassed zebra 4. A skunk with a rash 5. A nun with a bloody nose 6. A bowling ball squashing a bunch of candy canes
Any other answers to this?
Posts: 70 | From: Chicago, IL | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
atimnie, I just heard that one the other day with the answer, "A nun falling down the stairs."
On that note...
A group of friars wanted to renovate their abbey, which had fallen into disrepair. To raise funds for the project they opened a flower shop. The flower shop was very successful, but the owner of the flower shop down the street did not appreciate the competition.
He tried various tactics to drive the friars out of business - lowering his prices, advertising his own store in the paper, even spreading nasty rumors about the friars. Nothing worked.
In desperation, he hired a hitman named Hugh. Hugh beat up the friars and vandalized their shop. The event was so traumatic that the friars decided to close their flower shop.
The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
-------------------- A Viennese fellow is walking along the Karntner Strasse and notices a banana peel lying in his path. "Alas," he sighs, "now I must slip and fall down!" Posts: 506 | From: Missouri | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
How many reindeer does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Seven. One to actually change the bulb and the rest to hold back Rudolph.
-------------------- "Never underestimate a nerd from outer space." --Von, that alien from that Kids Incorporated episode. Posts: 1189 | From: Australia | Registered: May 2003
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What's huge and purple and lies on the bottom of the sea?
Moby Grape.
------
"Mama, why am I always walking in circles?"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
_______
"Mama, I hate daddy's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's put before you."
-------------------- "No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/ Posts: 7581 | From: Gainesville, Georgia | Registered: Jun 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Brad from Georgia: "Mama, why am I always walking in circles?"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
_______
"Mama, I hate daddy's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's put before you."
"Mummy, mummy, can i lick the bowl?"
"No. You can flush it like everyone else!"
-------------------- Brosandi. Hendumst í hringi Höldumst í hendur Allur heimurinn óskýr Nema þú stendur Posts: 694 | From: York, UK | Registered: Jul 2006
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-------------------- I love a sunburnt country, a land of sweeping plains - that's why I live in Melbourne, where it always bloody rains. Posts: 632 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Nov 2003
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Joe Bentley
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
My best friend got really made it me last week when he caught me messing around with his girl. The way I figure, if he wanted me to keep my hands to myself, he would have made it a closed casket.
This drummer in this band I like died in a pool of his own vomit. Sometimes I think I'll wind up going the same way. The pool's filled up half way already.
I had an unhappy childhood. I spent many a night tied up in the cellar being beating. But that doesn't make up for my unhappy childhood.
My girlfriend came around unexpectedly yesterday. They just don't make chloroform like they used to.
-------------------- "Existence has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long." - Rorschach, The Watchmen Posts: 8929 | From: Norfolk, Virginia | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
A team of scientists have announced that diarrhea is hereditary.
They discovered it comes through your jeans.
-------------------------------------------
The excitement at the circus was intense.
-------------------- "Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people." Posts: 997 | From: Maidstone, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Joe Bentley: My best friend got really made it me last week when he caught me messing around with his girl. The way I figure, if he wanted me to keep my hands to myself, he would have made it a closed casket.
This drummer in this band I like died in a pool of his own vomit. Sometimes I think I'll wind up going the same way. The pool's filled up half way already.
I had an unhappy childhood. I spent many a night tied up in the cellar being beating. But that doesn't make up for my unhappy childhood.
My girlfriend came around unexpectedly yesterday. They just don't make chloroform like they used to.
Where'd you get those jokes? they sound Steven Wrightish
-------------------- "High-Five!" - Borat Posts: 1056 | From: Racine, WI | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:Originally posted by LyndaD: My favorite joke:
What did the agnostic, insomniac dyslexic do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there's a dog.
I love that one.
Ahem
What do you call a gorilla wearing ear muffs? Anything you want, he can't hear you.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
-------------------- If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. Posts: 86 | From: Colorado | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
What do you get when you cross a snippy sheep with a cranky cow?
I don't know, but is it ever in a baaaaaaaaaad moooooooood!
Nonny
-------------------- When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 10141 | From: Toronto, Ontario | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted
I have a pet newt named Tiny. I names him Tiny because he's my newt.
-------------------- I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks. Posts: 942 | From: Illinois | Registered: Jan 2004
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