posted
Jim owned a blue-green colored Volvo. It was a '72, however, and even Volvos don't last forever. When he was driving home one afternoon and the engine fell through the engine mounts, his wife brought up the subject of buying a new car.
"Well, I've grown partial to this car, dear," said Jim.
"But honey, this car is falling apart!" his wife exclaimed.
The argument went on for a while. Jim finally agreed to buy a new car, but only another Volvo and only the same blue-green color. It had to be the exact same shade of blue or he wasn't interested. And so his quest began.
"Nope. Are you sure they're made in that color?" asked all the Volvo dealers in New York.
He went to Connecticut and received the same line. He went to Rhode Island, only to hear, "Nope--had one last week. Couldn't sell it so we gave it to a junk dealer."
Jim ran to the junk dealer just in time to see the car of his dreams crushed. He traveled through Vermont. "Nope. Can't get one here." He tried New Hampshire. "I don't think they make them." He went into Maine. "I don't have one, but Charlie might. He's the Volvo dealer up in Caribou. Anyone ever told you about Caribou, Maine? It's freezing up there and is in the middle of nowhere."
Unfortunately, at this point, an enormous storm system moved into the area. Jim was trapped at the dealership during the blizzard. Two days later, when the dealer arrived to open up shop, he found Jim standing by the door. When the dealer opened the door, Jim saw it. Right in the middle of the showroom floor was his bluish Volvo. Perfect! Jim told the dealer of his quest, paid the sticker price, and was about to leave when the dealer asked, "Why did you spend so much time searching for this color Volvo? Why did it have to be this turquoise color?"
Jim smiled and said, as he drove off: "Well, there's something about an aqua Volvo, man."
Posts: 272 | From: Winchester, Virginia | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
How many men does it take to put a new roll of toilet paper on the roller?
No one knows--no man has ever tried it.
-------------------- "No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/ Posts: 7581 | From: Gainesville, Georgia | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."
Posts: 272 | From: Winchester, Virginia | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Spring had arrived, and the little mole family hurried to peek out of the burrow. Mama Mole and Papa Mole jammed into the opening. Baby Mole stood just behind them, because they blocked the tunnel. Being moles and very nearsighted, they sniffed the air.
Mama Mole said, "I smell growing grass! Spring is here and the world is green!"
Papa Mole said, "I smell daffodils! Spring is here and the flowers are blooming!"
And Baby Mole said, "Hmph. All I can smell is molasses."
-------------------- "No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/ Posts: 7581 | From: Gainesville, Georgia | Registered: Jun 2000
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-------------------- I swear, it was funnier in my head. Yeah, I used to be pink. vanilla_pink. Posts: 2493 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2003
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He stayed up all night wondering if there's a dog.
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Some agents from the DEA seized a bunch of marijuana plants and built a bonfire to dispose of them. As the plants were burning, the agents noticed a flock of terns flying overhead and realized that they were going to fly right through the smoke from the bonfire.
They did their best to chase the birds away by shouting and waving their arms. But ultimately the agents' worst fears were realized: there was no tern left unstoned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that NASA is sending fifty Holstein cows into orbit above Earth? They're calling it "The Herd Shot Round the World."
-------------------- A Viennese fellow is walking along the Karntner Strasse and notices a banana peel lying in his path. "Alas," he sighs, "now I must slip and fall down!" Posts: 506 | From: Missouri | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "This tastes funny".
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A salesman knocks on a door and a kid answers. The kid is naked except for a cowboy hat and boots. He is holding a glass of whisky in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other. The salesman man ask "Is your mummy or daddy home?"
The kid replied "What do you reckon?".
-------------------- "I always tell the truth. Even when I lie." - Tony Montana Posts: 890 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Q: What's yellow and travels backward? A: *Sniff*
Q: What's yellow and dangerous A: Shark-infested custard
Q: What's blue and dingle-dangles from the ceiling? A: A blue dingle-dangle. Q: What's red and dingle-dangles from the ceiling? A1: A red dingle dangle? A2: No, they don't make red ones.
-------------------- "For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any." -Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003
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-------------------- "Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people." Posts: 997 | From: Maidstone, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:Originally posted by LyndaD: My favorite joke:
What did the agnostic, insomniac dyslexic do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there's a dog.
How about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
-------------------- Brosandi. Hendumst í hringi Höldumst í hendur Allur heimurinn óskưr Nema ₫ú stendur Posts: 694 | From: York, UK | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
По-чему плавает утка? По воде. Unfortunately, being wordplay, it doesn't translate into English at all: "Why does a duck swim? On water." The equivalent joke in English is "How do you get down from an elephant."
pinqy
-------------------- Don't Forget! Winter Solstice Hanukkah Christmas Kwanzaa & Gurnenthar's Ascendance Are Coming! Posts: 8671 | From: Washington, DC | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answers:
Kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side.
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.
Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2006, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C. Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Posts: 272 | From: Winchester, Virginia | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Green Eggs and Spam, you left out George W. Bush:
To remove weapons of mass destruction. No, wait, to effect a regime change. No, wait, to establish a workable democracy. No, wait, to create national unity. No, wait, to work out a plan so it could go back across the road, but not on a timetable. No, wait, to make the people on the OTHER side of the road establish a timetable, but not to establish a timetable itself, so the people on the OTHER side of the road could stand up so the chicken could stand down. No, wait.......
-------------------- "No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/ Posts: 7581 | From: Gainesville, Georgia | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
I'm going to hell for repeating this one...not because it has any religious content, but because it's by far the worst pun I've ever heard. Needless to say, it was forwarded to me in an email by my dad, who's the king of horrible punny jokes...
A frog hops into a bank and asks to speak to a loan officer. He's led to the office of one Patricia Wack and says that he'd like to take out a $10,000 loan for a car. A bit taken aback by the presence of a talking frog, Ms. Wack asks what kind of collateral he has. The frog says "Not much, just this little porcelain figurine." and puts it on the desk. "Well, I'm afraid we might need more than that. What about references?" "You can call my father if you like, his name is Mick Jagger." Completely baffled, Patricia excuses herself, finds her manager and explains the situation, finishing with "...and I don't even know what this thing is!" and handing the figurine to her manager.
(I'm sure 90% of you have already guessed the punchline, but anyway...)
The manager says "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
Max "A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says 'Hey, where'd you get that?' The parrot says 'Brooklyn. They're everywhere.'" Renn
-------------------- Sister Ann: DRIVE! DRIVE Crow T. Robot: Look, I'm already driving, there's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! If you want me to go faster, you should say so. Posts: 579 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
It is the 1970s and a husband and his wife go to Communist Moscow for a holiday. It is a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky. Whilst strolling close to the Kremlin they meet a Communist official, called Rudolph, and they begin talking.
The couple are wary, in case they say something to upset the official. So, being British, they discuss the weather. 'What a beautiful day,' says the man.
'We don't usually get such nice weather as this in England,' chips in his wife.
'Make the most of it,' says Rudolph with a slight grin. 'Within half an hour it will be pouring down.'
'Impossible,' thinks the husband, but says nothing in case he upsets Rudolph. The couple wander off and continue their sightseeing.
Within half an hour the heavens open and a deluge descends on the couple. 'I am flabbergasted,' said the husband.
'Well you shouldn't be,' said his wife sweetly, 'After all - Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.'
-------------------- Andrew, Ware, England Posts: 1709 | From: Ware, England | Registered: Apr 2003
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the children's playground? A: To get to the other slide
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Man walks into a bar... Ouch! Man walks into a bar backwards... Bugger!
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Two cows are standing in a field, enjoying some nice grass and having a chat. One says, "I've heard a lot about that mad cow disease thing, are you worried about it?", to which to other replies, "why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter!"
ETA: One more. Q: How do the Welsh eat their cheese? A: Caerphilly
Posts: 61 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Not really a joke but one morning a couple of girls I worked with arrived somewhat late for work.
The sat down at their desks and kicked off with "the trains were terrible this morning. We sat outside Barking* for half an hour!"
To which another co-worker replied "Well we didn't hear you."
*Barking is a town in Essex.
-------------------- "Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people." Posts: 997 | From: Maidstone, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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Joe Bentley
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of then would of seen it.
Two blonds walk into a bar. Then the brunette walks around it.
Two guys walk into a bar. One of them has to get stitches.
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Q:What do you call a woman with one leg? A: Ilene.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your porch? A: Matt.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your bushes? A: Russell.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall? A: Art
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? A: Bob.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Don't matter, he won't come anyway.
_____
Bob: Ask me what the secret of comedy is. Ted: What's the secr- Bob (Yells in Ted's face): TIMING!
-------------------- "Existence has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long." - Rorschach, The Watchmen Posts: 8929 | From: Norfolk, Virginia | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Joe Bentley: Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Don't matter, he won't come anyway.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
-------------------- Heisenberg may have slept here.
I got an idea... an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about. Posts: 291 | From: Greenville, SC | Registered: Apr 2005
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