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snopes
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The former Soviet republic of Latvia held a traditional joke evening at the Occupation Museum in the capital, where people swapped jokes that, under Soviet rule, could have landed them in jail or seen them shipped out to a gulag.

"Did you hear about the speech Leonid Brezhnev gave at the Moscow Olympics in 1980?" one jokester said.

"Oh, oh, oh," Brezhnev said.

"Comrade Brezhnev," his assistant whispered quietly in his ear. "Those are the Olympic rings. The speech starts a bit lower down."

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060406/od_afp/afplifestylelatvia_060406181911

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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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Here's another one :

Rabinovich the Jew gets arrested for telling jokes about the Party. The People's Commissioner shouts at him :

- Shame on you, Rabinovich ! What kind of soviet citizen are you for telling such filth about our beloved Party ?! Don't you know the Party freed us from the Czar's tyranny, the Party won the Great Patriotic War against the fascist invaders, the Party brought welfare and comfort to the People, the Party brings us always further on the Way of Progress and Happiness, the Party...

Whereupon Rabinovich :

- HEY! HEY! HEY! Stop that, will'ya ? Who's telling jokes, here, you or I ???

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

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Jason Threadslayer
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Radio Yerevan was asked: Is there freedom of speech in Soviet Union like in America?
We reply: In principle, yes. In America, you can march around White House yelling "Down with Nixon" all you want. In Moscow, you can also march around Kremlin yelling "Down with Nixon" all you want.

--------------------
All posts foretold by Nostradamus.

Turing test failures: 6

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DAnnino
The First USA Noel


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A Jewish man is sitting in Gorky Park reading a Hebrew book. He is approached by a KGB officer, who asks, "Old man, why are you reading that book?"
"Because when I die, I want to be able to speak with God when I get to Heaven."
The KGB guy sneers,"And what if you go to hell?"
The old amn says, "Well, I already speak Russian." [lol]

And another Soviet-era "joke"--
In 1975, the US develops a supercomputer that can see the future. They tell the Soviets about it. The Soviet ambassador asks it who will be on the Politburo in 2010. The operator enters the question, the machine beeps and whistles, and spits out a pice of paper. The operator picks it up and looks at it curiously. The Ambassador asks what it says.
"I don't know," the operator says, "It's in Chinese!" [fish]

--------------------
NO BETTER FRIEND, NO WORSE ENEMY
--
"I grok when apes learn to laugh, they'll be people."

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Archangel
Spider Cider


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A Latvian finishes his day's fishing on the Baltic coast and pulls his boat onto the beach. Afloat beside it, is a small bottle or vessel in the water.

He salvages it and the reason why it was low in that water is that is it full, of something. He gives it a quick polish and opens it. It's a Genie!

"For 20 decades I have floated upriver and down sea. Now you my rescuer may have three wishes then, I Genie am free".

Well this is a turn of events. Our hero of Latvia looks up and down at four man-heights of Genie, from miasmal base to emerald forehead.

"You may wish!"

Firm in his conviction, although a young man, he speaks: "I wish: For China to invade Latvia!"

Genies are ancient creatures and have seen a span of humanity, but this is novelty. Yet expansive are the ways of creatures. Behold! China invades Latvia.

While Latvians are God's creatures and endowed with such faculties as dignify all men, the land is not well with special clays, minerals, oils or timbers. A mere dozen years of Sino-occupation later, the Chinese Secretariat takes time between servings of exquities teas by more exquisite young women to occasion China's withdrawl from that fair, though flat. And cold. And truth be told rather dull. Province.

Our hero has aged in good grace and borne such oriental hardships as such things deliver. Nonetheless a little solace in a ferment of potato and grain fills out his quieter evenings. On one rather noisy such dusk, he reaches for the familiar bottle, yet decants an unfamiliar one, although not totally unknown.

Genies do not age as do men. "Man and sot!" spake he for Genie it twas. "Twelve long years has my residence reposed under dust and among vessels of notably less fashion." "Will you wish again?"

"I will" Our hero pronounced. With small pause he continues: "I wish ..." Vodka made poorly is a recipe for maudlin and so there is now a pause, some tears and rheum. "I wish: For China to invade Latvia!"

Genies are mighty beings, whether they have souls is a secret greater than permitted to the knowledge of men. But perhaps in his soul the Genie did wonder at such a man. Genies are ever mighty beings and it was done.

Gunpowder, paper and tea. Porcelain and furnace. The treasures of the East are without number and name. In this wise our hero did prosper with his Chinese colleagues. But as with things ill, this well do pass. And China once felt a lack of persons. Although not now, but then China did withdraw of its Baltic stronghold.

And so it went, til age and infirmity bit into our hero, medicines and lotions were his days. And errors of the mind although some parts were clear and true. So by accident or not, Genie is manifest again. Elder of men spake he."Soon you and I are to be apart, will you again wish?"

"I wish: For China to invade Latvia!" The words came clear as from a boy or youth.

Genies are not like you and I, but in solitude they have their own ways. And life for them is long, if even they die. Genie had craved and thought on freedom, to travel as the clouds and rain, to be out and apart. But perhaps there was a soul, for in his mind was a wondering.

"Thrice you have asked and twice have I given. Again I grant your wish to every part, but Man-with-a-Soul, Old Body tell me, Ancient Genie friend of the mountain-root and brother of still-and-hidden-sands, why do you so wish?" (for Genies also practice grammar)

"The Chinese Army will pass through Russia two times. Here and back again" our hero said.

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Chimera
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Well at least customs were leniate in the late 80s. This isn't a joke but as a teen a friend of mine in Latvia used to send me trinkets (costume jewlery and stuff) and I'd seen her teen magazines (and never had a problem with it).

However once she sent me a big, stupid, stuffed animal gator. I love gators but that thing was just rediculously silly. Later that year I saw big stupid stuffed Easter bunnies and I decided to return the favour. I packed it up and went to the post office. The post office told me I had to declare the thing in French or Russian. Sadly I speak very little of either (I definitely didn't know how to write "big, stupid stuffed bunny"). Anyway, I ended up writing "le bo'nay" (thinking it might mean "the bunny") on the slip and it went through just fine. I know its not a political joke and I know times were (and even are to some extent) a bit harsh over there but I don't think its been all that over the top for a while. Although I was quite confused why French would be an acceptable language (unless I just got un-happy Quebec postmaster).

--------------------
"The question for joining the protected forum for real magicians should be:

What is the use of women?"
Steve W. from JREF's 'This is no fun'

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Jason Threadslayer
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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French is the official language of the Universal Postal Union.

--------------------
All posts foretold by Nostradamus.

Turing test failures: 6

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Chimera
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Jason Threadslayer:
French is the official language of the Universal Postal Union.

Huh, what? They're itty bitty compared to other places, how did they gain so much power? Also was "le bo'nay" anywhere close to "stuffed easter bunny"? Probably not, but at the time I thought it was creative... it just sounded right to me at the time.

--------------------
"The question for joining the protected forum for real magicians should be:

What is the use of women?"
Steve W. from JREF's 'This is no fun'

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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When the Universal Postal Union was established in 1874, French was the lingua franca of international diplomacy.

--------------------
Ad astra per asparagus.

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Echinodermata Q. Taft
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Soviet-era Russian were having a discussion on the meaning of true happiness.

"My friends," said the Englishman, "let me illustrate with an example. Imagine you have been out on a fine, clear morning, mounted on a great horse, charging over grass-covered hills and meadows in pursuit of the fox. And then in the evening, you sit in your den in a fine leather chair, in front of a roaring fire, with your loyal hound at your side, sipping from a glass of the best whiskey. That is true happiness."

"Ah, my friend," says the Frenchman, "that is mere animal pleasure. Allow me to offer an example. Imagine you have spent the evening at the finest restaurant in Paris, eating an exquisite gourmet meal, sipping at a perfectly chosen vintage wine, in the company of a beautiful woman. Afterwards, you stroll with her by the Seine back to your apartment -- or hers -- where you make passionate love to her all night. That is true happiness."

"Ah," says the Russian, "that is merely having a good time. Let me give you an example. Suppose you are sitting in your apartment after a hard day's work at the tractor factory, watching a hockey game on television, with a glass of vodka in your hand and your little son Dmitri on your knee. Suddenly there is a loud, insistent knock on the door. You answer, and three men in ill-fitting brown suits enter, glare at you accusingly, and say 'Ivan Mikhailovich Federov?' And you say, 'No, gentleman, he lives two flights up.' That is true happiness."

--------------------
http://eqtaft.blogspot.com

Hope for the future! http://www.runobama.com

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Squoval
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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[lol]

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I can't believe it's not Square!

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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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An American, an Englishman and a Russian were talking cars. The American said :

- Well, I'm very well organized: I've got a car for every different activity. I have a BMW to go to work and impress my colleagues, my wife's got a minivan to go shopping, I bought my son a small japanese car to go to the universtiy, and we have a big SUV for the vacations.

The Englishman answered :

- Oh. Typically american waste of money. We British people believe in tradition and quality. I only have one car, but it's a Rolls-Royce and it will last for 40 years at least.

Whereupon the Russian said:

- Bah ! You guys have no clue. I just don't need a car. I Moscow, we have the world's most beautiful Underground Railway to go to work, if I'm allowed to travel to another city, I can take a bus or a train, if I drink too much in the evening and can't walk anymore, I can take a taxi, and if I complain about anything in public, the police or the KGB will drive me to the next jail or to Sibiria for free.

The two other asked :

- And for the vacations ???

- Well, we've got tanks !

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

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pinqy
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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An American and a Russian died together and went to Hell. The Devil greets them and says that they have a choice: they can go to American Hell or Russian Hell. They ask what the difference is and the Devil says "In American Hell, you have to eat a shovel full of shit every day. In Russian Hell, you have to eat 2 shovels of shit everyday."
The American quickly chooses American Hell, but to his surprise the Russian chooses Russian Hell. After a few weeks they meet up again and the American says:
"Man, you chose the wrong Hell. I eat my shovel of shit every morning, but then I'm free to do whatever I want all day...it's great."
The Russian replies "Ah, but in Russian Hell, half the time there is no shovel and the other half of the time there is no shit."

pinqy

--------------------
Don't Forget!
Winter Solstice Hanukkah Christmas Kwanzaa & Gurnenthar's Ascendance Are Coming!

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mnotr2
Jingle Bell Hock


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Brezhnev and Carter are walking together in Red Square during a state visit and Carter asks,
"Last time I visited there were cheering throngs of people everywhere we went. Now the streets are empty, nobody cheering, nobody at all. What happened?"

Brezhnev answers, "Well, I exiled that guy, Solzhenitsen to the U.S. for writing anti-Soviet literature. And now everyone is home, writing, writing, writing..."

Mnot - maybe it's funnier in Russian - r2

--------------------
Infinite goodness is creating a being you know, in advance, is going to complain.
Captain Billy Cutshaw

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Echinodermata Q. Taft
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Then there was the one about the sincere Aremenian students who asked their Professor, "Is it really possible to build True Communism in Armenia?"

"Certainly," said the Professor. "But why not do it to the Georgians first?"

--------------------
http://eqtaft.blogspot.com

Hope for the future! http://www.runobama.com

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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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To commemorate the 100th anniversary of Aleksandr Pushkin's death, Stalin's government decided to erect a large statue to honor the Great Man.

So, the ministry of Culture opened a contest between all soviet sculptors, promising a nice reward to the victor. They got hundreds of projects... Pushkin standing, Pushkin sitting, Pushkin writing, Pushkin thinking, Pushkin adressing the people, etc, etc... Eventually, one candidate won the contest. Guess who ?

- A nephew of the minister of Culture, of course.

And what was the subject of the monument ?

- Stalin, reading a book by Pushkin.

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

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slow_and_lazy
I Saw Three Shipments


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Americans discover a way to ressurect people. USSR pays huge amount of money to have Lenin resurected. When the did is done Lenin comes to the window, looks at all the skyscrapers and fansy cars and says "Just as i imagined !"

Man comes to KGB and asks for permission to go to USA. When asked about reason, he explains that his relative has gone blind and needs to be taken care of. Officials suggest, that man should invite his relative to USSR. To this man replies "He is blind, not stupid".

--------------------
V.I.K.I. : My logic is flawless.
Sonny : Yes, but it just seems too heartless.

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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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It was a cold and rainy day in Moscow. In a dark and shabby street, a huge crowd was waiting in front of a butcher's, waiting for the shop to open. After two hours, a little guy came out, climbed on a wooden crate and shouted :

- Comrades, are there any Jews here ?

Quite a few rose their hands.

- Allright, you can go home. There will be no meat for Jews today !

They left, pretty disappointed. Then, the weather turned even colder, and it began to snow. Two hours later, the same guy went out of the shop, climbed on his crate and shouted :

- Comrades, please show me your Communist Party member cards !

Only a few could. Then, the guy:

- Allright, those without cards, go home ! Meat will be reserved for Party Comrades today !

Two more hours passed. Night fell. An icy wind blew. Eventually, the little man came out the butcher's shop again and told the remaining group :

- Well... I'm awfully sorry, comrades, but you can go home, too... there will be no meat at all today. Sorry.

Then one of the angry customers :

- Now that's typical ! The bloody Jews get all the favors !!!

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

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pinqy
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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A woman goes to the State store to buy eggs. "How much are your eggs?" "50 kopeks for a dozen." "I'll take a dozen." "I'm sorry, we're out of eggs." So she goes to the black market and is told eggs are 2 rubles a dozen. "But they're only 50 kopeks at the State store!" "Lady, if I didn't have any eggs, I could sell them for 50 kopeks too."

pinqy

--------------------
Don't Forget!
Winter Solstice Hanukkah Christmas Kwanzaa & Gurnenthar's Ascendance Are Coming!

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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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Shortly after the soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia, a Czech rushes to a policeman and shouts :

- Help ! Police ! Officer, Officer, come, quick ! A swiss soldier just stole my beautiful russian watch !

The cop looks quietly at the guy and answers :

- Well, my good man, I think you must be confusing... wasn't it a russian soldier that stole your beautiful swiss watch ?

- Actually... yes, Officer, but now, YOU said it.

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

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Pseudo_Croat
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Q: What was more useful, Soviet newspapers or Soviet television?

A: Soviet newspapers - you could use them to wrap herring.

- Pseudo "In Soviet Russia, jokes tell you!" Croat

--------------------
"At all events, people who deny the influence of smaller nations should remember that the Croats have the rest of us by the throats." - Norman Davies, Europe: A History

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

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First of Two
The Bills of St. Mary's


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Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out in the field, taking "the Revolution" to the people: explaining the fundamentals of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department was out talking to a farmer in Siberia...

Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?

Farmer: (confused) Nyet...

O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?

F: Da, Da! Iz good!

O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to man who has no tractors. Da?

F: Da! Da! Is WERY good!

O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no cheekens. Da?

F: Nyet! Iz not good!

O: Why?

F: I have two cheekens...

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"Liberalism is a philosophy of consolation for western civilization as it commits suicide." - Jerry Pournelle

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Jason Threadslayer
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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No, no, no, First, you have it all wrong.

A communist was explaining communism to a report. The communist said, "If you have two cows, we take away one and give it to someone who has none. If you have two tractors, we take one and give it to someone who has none." The reporter replies, "So if you have two shirts, we take away one and give it to someone who has none." The communist yells out, "No!" The report asks, "Why?" The communist replies, "Because I have two shirts!"

--------------------
All posts foretold by Nostradamus.

Turing test failures: 6

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bufungla
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Reagan's favorite anti-Soviet joke:

A Russian goes to buy a car at the official car lot and is told it will be delivered in 10 years. 'Would that be in the morning or the afternoon?' he asks. 'Ten years from now, what difference does it make?' the salesman asks. 'Well,' says the buyer, 'The plumber's coming in the morning.'

--------------------
"Pardon him. Theodotus: he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature."

George Bernard Shaw, Caesar and Cleopatra

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