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Author Topic: The Clean Joke Challenge
robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England:
quote:
Originally posted by robbiev427:
Anyone know the joke about the car breaking down and the guy walks several miles...it involves telling about the many hills on the hilly road and you have to say "up and down and up and down" about a hundred times... then it ends with a statistic about breakfast cereal?

I doubt if this is what you're thinking of, but...

Brother: There was this packet of cornflakes on the breakfast table. One cornflake gets out of the packet, falls in to the bowl, jumps out on to the table, on to the floor and runs out of the kitchen.

Another cornflake gets out of the packet, falls in to the bowl, jumps out on to the table, on to the floor and runs out of the kitchen.

Another cornflake gets out of the packet, falls in to the bowl, jumps out on to the table, on to the floor and runs out of the kitchen.

Another...

Sister: (interrupting) When's this story going to end?

Brother: It isn't ... it's a serial.

That's not it, but it's probably a similar joke.

The one I'm thinking of is something like:

A guy is driving along on a hilly country road. Up and down and up and down (etc). His car breaks down, so he get out and walks up and down (etc) until he reaches a farmhouse.

Farmer offers to let him stay. The next morning the farmer offers the guy Cheerios or Corn Flakes for breakfast. The guy chooses Corn Flakes.

Next day, another guy...repeat long drawn out story. Guy chooses Corn Flakes.

Next day, another guy...repeat long drawn out story. Guy chooses Cheerios.

Repeat however many times you feel compelled.

After all that when the listener is bored, you ask, "So you know what that proves?"

(however many) out of (however many) people prefer Cheerios to Corn Flakes.

The first time I heard it, the guy took about 7 or 8 minutes to tell it.

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Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Traveling salesman...
rainy night...
car breaks down...
walks to a farmhouse, and asks the farmer if he could spend the night.
"Sure!" says the farmer. "You can share a room with my son."
"Damn." says the salesman. "I think I'm in the wrong joke!"

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"The large print givith, and the small print taketh away" -- Tom Waits, Step Right Up

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." -- Salvador Dali

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Four Kitties
Layaway in a Manger


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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I knew you'd ask about this one day.

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said: You've Got Male!

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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

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Hero_Mike
Happy Holly Days


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Traveling salesman...
rainy night...
car breaks down...
walks to a farmhouse, and asks the farmer if he could spend the night.
"Sure!" says the farmer. "You can share a room with my son."
The salesman is, at first, worried, but the farmer then explains that his son is 5 years old and has a double bed.
After changing into his pajamas, the salesman is weary from his ordeal and proceeds directly to bed. The farmer's son walks in and kneels down on the far side of the bed.
The salesman is a bit ashamed - he does not want to appear out of place by not participating in bedtime prayer with his host's son. So he leaps out of bed, and kneels down at his side of the bed, and appears to pray.
The little boy looks up, wide-eyed, and exclaims, "Boy is my daddy gonna' be mad at you! The potty is on this side of the bed.!"

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"The fate of *billions* depends on you! Hahahahaha....sorry." Lord Raiden - Mortal Kombat

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medtchva
Deck the Malls


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What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?


Kids don't eat broccoli.

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Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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(of course, better spoken than written)

Why do kids eat their boogers?

They think it's candy, but it'snot!

--------------------
"The large print givith, and the small print taketh away" -- Tom Waits, Step Right Up

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." -- Salvador Dali

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NancyFancyPants
Deck the Malls


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Helen Keller goes to her first Passover seder.

Each item to be eaten is placed in her hand. When she's handed the matzoh, she runs her fingertips over it, then grabs the hand of her assistant and spells, "Who wrote this crap?"

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And on the 7th day, God said, "Let there be lips!"

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notorious fluffy g
I Saw Three Shipments


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a lady walked into a church and saw an empty seat. she asked the man seated in the seat next to it if the seat was saved- he said, no, but i'm praying for it.........

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"Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner."

* Sir John Lubbock

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Zamboni_Rodeo
Deck the Malls


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Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you throw a banjo into a dumpster and it doesn't touch the sides.

______________________________

A magician gets a gig on a cruise ship, and every night the ship's captain sits in the front row of the show with his pet parrot on his shoulder. After the first few nights, the parrot starts figuring out the magician's tricks and giving them away by calling out how they're done: "It's in his pocket! ... He didn't switch hands! ... There's two girls in the box!"

So one night, the boat sinks, and the magician and the parrot are left alone on a plank of wood, floating out in the middle of the ocean. For three days and nights, the magician and the parrot just sit there glaring at each other, not saying anything. Then finally the parrot says, "I give up. Where's the boat?"

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Where's the challenge in wassailing at Christmas? The place is lousy with wassail!

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Myshkin
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by NancyFancyPants:
Helen Keller goes to her first Passover seder.

Each item to be eaten is placed in her hand. When she's handed the matzoh, she runs her fingertips over it, then grabs the hand of her assistant and spells, "Who wrote this crap?"

I don't get it.
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Louise
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by Myshkin:
quote:
Originally posted by NancyFancyPants:
Helen Keller goes to her first Passover seder.

Each item to be eaten is placed in her hand. When she's handed the matzoh, she runs her fingertips over it, then grabs the hand of her assistant and spells, "Who wrote this crap?"

I don't get it.
It supposed to be because the matzoh is very crumbly, I guess you could say, and it has a cracked surface, so she's saying it's horribly written.

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"Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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The matzoh is so flat and dry that she mistakes it for a page of braille.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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Louise
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by Lainie:
The matzoh is so flat and dry that she mistakes it for a page of braille.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

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"Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain

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notorious fluffy g
I Saw Three Shipments


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a little outdated, but cute

Top Ten Ways Y2K Could Have Affected Disney World

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. Monorail brakes lock up at 110 mph.

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups

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"Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner."

* Sir John Lubbock

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notorious fluffy g
I Saw Three Shipments


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This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!

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"Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner."

* Sir John Lubbock

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