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Author Topic: The Clean Joke Challenge
YeeMum
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Subject: Southern Grandma Joke

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


Made me smile

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Contact me for discounts
Charter member WNDMDC
"I am putting you on hold now.Listen to the elevator music and LIKE it."~My 'J'

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Bettie Page Turner
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Green Eggs and Spam:
*If you know an ethnic joke, you can change it to Hittite and no one will be offended since Hittites no longer exist. It probably would work for blonde jokes as well. [Wink]

Or not. [Roll Eyes]

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You fail to consider, for such is the tyranny of fashion, that the swan is not a slim animal... -Jincy Kornhauser, Melinda Falling

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Rokatesh
I Saw Three Shipments


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Here's a clean joke that our new pastor told in her first sermon on the first day she was in town.

"It seems that an old-timer at a church was dismayed that the preacher was leaving the church. This old-timer wasn't a very forgiving sort and complained that the preacher shouldn't leave and force the church to have to get used to a new minister. The preacher, trying to ease the transition, told the grumpy man that he should really meet the new preacher before passing judgment. He suggested that the old-timer take the new preacher out fishing after he moved to the area. The grumpy fisherman agreed and waited until the new preacher was all settled in. He then invited the new minister to go fishing. They set up a time and went out in the boat to fish at the local lake later that weekend. It turns out, however, that they forgot to take their lunch on the boat. So, the preacher volunteers to take care of it. He stands up, walks across the water to the campground, gets the lunch, and brings it back - walking across the water on the way back. As he's settling himself back into the boat, the preacher here's the grumpy man mutter, 'Great, they sent us a preacher that can't swim!'"

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Shannon (aka Rokatesh)

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Rokatesh
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:
Knock Knock

Who's There?

Boo

Boo who?

No need to cry, it was only a joke...

This one doesn't stand by itself, you have to go to someone and ask them if they want to here a "Knock Knock" joke.

If they say yes, then you say - okay - you start.

They'll say "Knock Knock."

You say "Who's there?"

You then look expectantly at them waiting for their punch-line.

It's sad; but it works on little kids anyway.

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Shannon (aka Rokatesh)

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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(Probably best said with a northern English or Scottish accent.)

A man and his wife are looking into a shop window. He points and says, 'That's the one I'd get.'

Next moment he is attacked by a Cyclops.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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A mother picks up her son after he had attended his first Sunday School class while she had been in church. Driving home she asked him what they had done in his class.

He said they heard a story about Jesus and colored some pictures and sang a song. She asked what the song was, figuring they could sing it together to help him learn it.

He said it was about a bear and he lived in the woods. His mother thought she would know all the Sunday school songs but she didn't recognize the one he was describing. She asked what else he remembered about the song.

"Well", the boy said, "his name is Gladly."

"Anything else?" his mother asked.

"He is cross-eyed."

Whew. The mother gave up, she had never heard the song before.

Next Sunday she collared her son's teacher as she dropped him off and asked what song they sang last week.

"Gladly the Cross I Would Bear" the teacher replied.

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NorthernLite
We Three Blings


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In the distant future. Patrick Roy is in hockey heaven. God asks him what kind of house he wants?

So Patrick says, "Well I want the biggest house on the street with a pool and hot tub, with 3 levels and a lot of rooms. I have won Stanley cups and the Conn Smythe trophy in Colorado and Montreal."

God replies "Ok done. You will have a nice house with 3 levels with a pool and hot tub."

So Roy got all he asked but then he looks down the street and sees an gigantic house with a huge flagpole with a huge Oilers flag waving in the wind.
Patrick Roy was upset and asked God, "How come Dwayne Roloson has a bigger house than I do?"

God says "Thats not his house, thats mine!"

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You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. -Blazing Saddles

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candycane from strangers
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England:
(Probably best said with a northern English or Scottish accent.)

A man and his wife are looking into a shop window. He points and says, 'That's the one I'd get.'

Next moment he is attacked by a Cyclops.

YOMANK! [lol]

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Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer."
A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!"
"Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND
God Re-Animate Green Pork Bush

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spe934
Deck the Malls


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A husband and wife were resting on a beach when they noticed a girl with a travel bag. She would approach people with boom boxes and other electronic devices and speak to them. Occasionally she would hand them something and walk off.

"She's probably selling drugs," said the woman.

The man decided to see for himself. The wife watched as her husband walked across the beach to the girl with the travel bag. They spoke briefly, and then her husband returned.

"Is she selling drugs," asked the Wife anxiously?

"No, she's not," replied her Husband. 'She's selling batteries."

"You don't mean...?"

"Yep," finished her husband. "She sells c-cells by the sea shore!"

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband

The main difference between men and women is that women need a reason to have sex, and men just need a place.

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The Pikey Snow Queen
The First USA Noel


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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought he was a fridge.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

Disclaimer: I have a very peculiar sense of humour

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Brosandi. Hendumst hringi
Hldumst hendur
Allur heimurinn skr
Nema stendur

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Necko
Bone Apptit!


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There were two muffins sitting on a counter. All of a sudden, a hand started reaching for one of them. "Oh no! We're about to get eaten!' The first muffin said. "Oh my god! A talking muffin!" The second one said.
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The Pikey Snow Queen
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by Pink Floyd Fan:
There were two muffins sitting on a counter. All of a sudden, a hand started reaching for one of them. "Oh no! We're about to get eaten!' The first muffin said. "Oh my god! A talking muffin!" The second one said.

Must remember that one, highly amusing [lol]

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Brosandi. Hendumst hringi
Hldumst hendur
Allur heimurinn skr
Nema stendur

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RingKeeper
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Senior:
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs...

...in a ditch?
Phil

...in a hot tub?
Stu

...on your BBQ grill?
Frank

...waterskiing
Skip

...on a beach?
Sandy

...in a pile of leaves?
Russell

...on the wall?
Art

And what do you call his arms and legs?
Pieces of Art

What if he also doesn't have a tongue?
Tasteless Art

What do you call two guys with no arms & no legs hanging on a wall?
Curt 'n Rod

...with a shovel?
Doug

..in the water?
Bob

...on the floor?
Matt

...Bouncing off the walls?
Rick O'Shea


A burglar breaks into a house. As he is sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the room again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage in the corner. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

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There are just some things a dog can't explain to a monkey.

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The Pikey Snow Queen
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by RingKeeper:
quote:
Originally posted by Senior:
[qb] What do you call a guy with no arms or legs...

...in a ditch?
Phil

...in a hot tub?
Stu

...on your BBQ grill?
Frank

...waterskiing
Skip

...on a beach?
Sandy

...in a pile of leaves?
Russell

...on the wall?
Art

And what do you call his arms and legs?
Pieces of Art

What if he also doesn't have a tongue?
Tasteless Art

What do you call two guys with no arms & no legs hanging on a wall?
Curt 'n Rod

...with a shovel?
Doug

...Without a shovel? Douglas

...With rabbits up his bum? Warren

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Brosandi. Hendumst hringi
Hldumst hendur
Allur heimurinn skr
Nema stendur

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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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What is the name of a drink made with Christian Brothers Brandy and Folgers Instant Coffee?

An 'Onward Christian Folgers'. [Big Grin] [lol]

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Hillary K., fair and balanced
Deck the Malls


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This joke was told to me in 2004. It's gotten raves from everyone.

John Madden is standing on the sideline of the Tennessee Titans before a game. He notices that there is a phone by the bench. Puzzled, he goes to ask Steve McNair about the phone. "Oh, that," he responds. "It's a hotline to God. You can use the phone if you like, but it will cost you fifty dollars."

Madden thinks about it, and decides he wants help on his football picks this week. So he pays, and get all of his picks right that week.

The next week, he is at Indianapolis. He sees the same phone and asks Peyton Manning if he can use it. "Sure, but it will cost you a hundred dollars," Manning says. Madden pays, and once again gets his picks all correct.

The week after that, he's in New England. Seeing the phone once more, he asks Tom Brady if he can use the phone. "Yes, but you'll have to pay fifty cents," is Brady's response.

Madden is astounded. "Fifty cents? It cost me fifty bucks in Tennessee and a hundred dollars in Indianapolis! How come it's so cheap here?!"

"Well," Brady then says, "in New England, Bill Belicheck is a local call."

Hillary "it's funny! really!" K.

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"See that there is evil, and know that there is good."

Love can conquer anything. (for HR)

Home of the dynasty

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SchmooPie
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Hillary K., fair and balanced:
This joke was told to me in 2004. It's gotten raves from everyone.

John Madden is standing on the sideline of the Tennessee Titans before a game. He notices that there is a phone by the bench. Puzzled, he goes to ask Steve McNair about the phone. "Oh, that," he responds. "It's a hotline to God. You can use the phone if you like, but it will cost you fifty dollars."

Madden thinks about it, and decides he wants help on his football picks this week. So he pays, and get all of his picks right that week.

The next week, he is at Indianapolis. He sees the same phone and asks Peyton Manning if he can use it. "Sure, but it will cost you a hundred dollars," Manning says. Madden pays, and once again gets his picks all correct.

The week after that, he's in New England. Seeing the phone once more, he asks Tom Brady if he can use the phone. "Yes, but you'll have to pay fifty cents," is Brady's response.

Madden is astounded. "Fifty cents? It cost me fifty bucks in Tennessee and a hundred dollars in Indianapolis! How come it's so cheap here?!"

"Well," Brady then says, "in New England, Bill Belicheck is a local call."

Hillary "it's funny! really!" K.

The faithful Patriots fan that she is, my DW will love this one, thanks!

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"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
- C. G. Jung

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Half-Starved Samurai
Bone Apptit!


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Wow, surprised this one hasn't shown up yet.

There was a very rich man who had a son. Now, he'd do absolutely anything for his son, and his tenth birthday was coming up. So he sat down with him and asked, "Son, what would you like for your birthday?"

"White jeans with pockets all over them!" he chirped.

The man was astonished. "Of course I'll get them, but why?"

The son shook his head. "I can't tell you."

This went on for several years, and each year the son refused to tell his father why he kept asking for white jeans with pockets all over them.

Then one day, the man recieved a phone call that his son was in a terrible car accident and he didn't have long to live. He raced to the hospital, getting there just in time to sit by his son's bed.

"Dad," he said, "I don't have much time left."

"I know, son. But tell me one thing before you go?"

"Anything."

"Why did you always want white jeans with pockets all over them for your birthday?"

The poor son struggled to breathe. "Well...I guess I can tell you now. The reason I wanted white jeans with pockets all over them was--"

...And then he died.

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They revamped the airport completely, now it looks just like a nightclub-everyone's excited and confused.-TMBG

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Funkygranny
Eagle Opportunity Employer


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Two roads were sitting in a bar, having a drink and generally relaxing. Suddenly, a green road runs in, punches the bartender, knocks over some stools, breaks a window and runs out again.
"What was that?" Asked the first road, shocked.
"Don't worry," said the second one. "He's just a cycle path."

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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quote:
Originally posted by Half-Starved Samurai:
The poor son struggled to breathe. "Well...I guess I can tell you now. The reason I wanted white jeans with pockets all over them was--"

...And then he died.

Either I don't get it or that was the least funny joke ever.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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Heard on Terry Wogan this morning:

Man to wife: I've just swatted five flies. Three male and two female.

Wife: How can you tell?

Man: Three were on the beer and two were on the phone.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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abbubmah
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, " Life is so darn boring; We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

" You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $ 5.00 bill.

The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

" What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"

(mostly clean...)

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Fundamentally Unfundie since 1975

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Silas Sparkhammer
I Saw V-Chips Come Sailing In


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The Lead Reconstructive Surgeon at a Press Conference:

"The hard part was running the esophagus down the patient's leg to his foot. We had difficulties getting past the knee. Getting the trachea to run down the leg was easier in comparison. We co-opted the major nerve paths, and so on. Now, as for the actual implantation -- the glossa, palate, dentition, glottis, uvula, and so on -- that was simplicity itself: just a matter of 'open foot, insert mouth.'"

Silas

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chillas
Coventry Mall Carol


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quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
quote:
Originally posted by Half-Starved Samurai:
The poor son struggled to breathe. "Well...I guess I can tell you now. The reason I wanted white jeans with pockets all over them was--"

...And then he died.

Either I don't get it or that was the least funny joke ever.
It's intentionally not funny. I've heard a couple of variations on this one. The 'point' is to tell the joke making it as long as possible, drawing it out and really setting it up for a good punchline, then not delivering.

One of my sister's ex-boyfriends told me that one. I never did like him.

--------------------
Come on, come on - spin a little tighter
Come on, come on - and the world's a little brighter


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Funkygranny
Eagle Opportunity Employer


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You want long, drawn-out and pointless?

One day, a policeman was walking around doing his duties, when he saw a kitten tied up in a sack, about to be thrown into the nearby river. Being a kind-hearted gentleman, the policeman decides to take the kitten home and look after it. He puts down a saucer of milk for it, and soon the little kitten was lapping away. It was mainly white, with a few ginger patches. "I think I'll call you Reginald." said the policeman. Reginald hopped onto the policeman's lap and started purring. The policeman smiled contentedly.
Suddenly, he got an emergency call on his walkie-talkie and had to leave the house for a while. When he got back, there was no trace of Reginald! The policeman was distraught. He looked everywhere for his little kitten- in the kitchen, in the sitting room, in the bathroom, even in the garage- but he was nowhere to be found. Sadly, the policeman decided to go to bed and cry himself to sleep. However, just as he was getting into bed, he heard a faint 'meow!' He shot up. "That must be Reginald!" he said. So he waited for another 'meow', and he wlked towards the door. Then he heard another, so he stopped right next to his laundy basket, and sure enough, there was Reginald, huddled up in a pile of clothes. And you know what the policeman said?


"Kitten...you're under a vest!"

[Razz] I like to tell this joke to people who are in a hurry.

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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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GenYus,
About a page ago I sent a post on a similar non-joke. It seems there are deep meanings that we mere mortals cannot always grasp.

-------------------------------------------------

"That's like last "Without a Trace" I will ever waste my time on. At the end what's-his-face walks to tell two mothers what happened to each of their kidnapped children. We know one died and the other survived, but not which did what. He starts toward them where they are sitting together and you see their anguished faces, and it ends.

Whew! Too avant-garde or intellectual for me.

Been waiting to rant on that one."

-------------------------------------------------

[flame] [flame] Grrrrrr

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Lonely Mountain
Jingle All the Layaway


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quote:
Originally posted by candy from strangers:
quote:
Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England:
(Probably best said with a northern English or Scottish accent.)

A man and his wife are looking into a shop window. He points and says, 'That's the one I'd get.'

Next moment he is attacked by a Cyclops.

YOMANK! [lol]
I read this like 10 times and still didn't get it until I read it out loud very slowly. Great stuff. [lol]

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"Tis too much proved that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself." - Hamlet

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RangerDog
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Did you hear about the stuttering fellow who became a millionaire as a Bible salesman?

WWWould yyyou lllike ttto bbbuy aaa BBBible ooor ssshould III jjjust rrread iiiit tttto yyyyou?

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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish

Posts: 2036 | From: Virginia | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
frogpond
Jingle Sales


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Here's a variant of abbubmah's joke that I've heard.


At the old folk's home two little old ladies would try their best to get the attention of two old men who spent their time sitting in the rockers on the porch.

Every day the ladies would put on fancy new clothes and promenade in front of Vern and Earl.

Every day they failed to elicit any reaction at all from the old men.

Finally the little old ladies become frustrated. One says to the other, "Ethel, I don't even think they notice us at all. Why, if we were to walk past them buck-nekkid they wouldn't see!"

Ethel responds "Well, Mrytle, why don't we try it!"

So, that day the little old ladies strolled past the old men in nothing but their birthday suits.

After they passed Earl turned to the other man and said "well, Vern, what did they have on today?"

"I don't know, Earl, but it sure needed ironing!"

[fish]

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So many books, so little time.

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Lonely Mountain
Jingle All the Layaway


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What I am shocked is the lack of computer jokes. Being the nerd I am, I will supply some.

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There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

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Two bytes walk into a bar. The first byte turns to the second and says "I think I may have a parity error." The second byte turns to the first and says "Yeah, you look a bit off."

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How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

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There are no such things as software bugs, only undocumented features.

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A salesman, an engineer, and a programmer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, and the car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.

The salesman announces sadly, "Time to buy a new car!"

The engineer says, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it."

The programmer replies, "No, let's just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself."

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What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?

The car salesman knows how to drive.

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Silas Sparkhammer
I Saw V-Chips Come Sailing In


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My very favorite computer joke...because, of course, it's so true...

The user comes in complaining: "The computer must be broken. It did what I told it to, not what I wanted."

But the real punch-line is that there are some features of Microsoft Word which actual do what I wanted, not what I told it to do! Now that's programming!

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By the way, didja hear about the guy who made a computer out of rubber bands? It made snap decisions.

Silas

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Funkygranny:
You want long, drawn-out and pointless?
...snip
[Razz] I like to tell this joke to people who are in a hurry.

Speaking of long and pointless... (sounds dirty, doesn't it?)

Anyone know the joke about the car breaking down and the guy walks several miles...it involves telling about the many hills on the hilly road and you have to say "up and down and up and down" about a hundred times... then it ends with a statistic about breakfast cereal?

I don't remember the whole joke and I couldn't find it on the interweb.

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Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Lonely Mountain:
What I am shocked is the lack of computer jokes. Being the nerd I am, I will supply some.

Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT31 = DEC25

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"The large print givith, and the small print taketh away" -- Tom Waits, Step Right Up

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." -- Salvador Dali

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Four Kitties
Layaway in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by Lonely Mountain:
What I am shocked is the lack of computer jokes.

What do you get when you cross Dracula with Lee Iacocca?

autoexec.bat

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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Posts: 13275 | From: Kindergarten World, Massachusetts | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by robbiev427:
Anyone know the joke about the car breaking down and the guy walks several miles...it involves telling about the many hills on the hilly road and you have to say "up and down and up and down" about a hundred times... then it ends with a statistic about breakfast cereal?

I doubt if this is what you're thinking of, but...

Brother: There was this packet of cornflakes on the breakfast table. One cornflake gets out of the packet, falls in to the bowl, jumps out on to the table, on to the floor and runs out of the kitchen.

Another cornflake gets out of the packet, falls in to the bowl, jumps out on to the table, on to the floor and runs out of the kitchen.

Another cornflake gets out of the packet, falls in to the bowl, jumps out on to the table, on to the floor and runs out of the kitchen.

Another...

Sister: (interrupting) When's this story going to end?

Brother: It isn't ... it's a serial.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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