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Author Topic: The Clean Joke Challenge
Brad from Georgia
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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So an English lord dies, and his widow goes into mourning. She visits her husband's grave every day, faithfully, for six weeks. Finally, she thinks to herself, "Charles wouldn't want me to spend my whole life like this. I'm a young woman. I have a life to live!" She leaves his grave and hurries home.

She rushes into their palatial manor and encounters the butler. "Jeeves," she says throatily, "Please take off my dress."

"Yes, Madam."

"Now my slip."

"Yes, Madam."

"Now my bra and panties."

"Yes, Madam."

"And Jeeves--don't wear my clothes in future."

--------------------
"No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly
Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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quote:
Originally posted by Gg83:
Three elephants were walking along. Two of them fell on the ground and the third fell into a pool.

Ba-dum tssh!

I don't get it. [Confused]

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Mistletoey Chloe
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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That's the noise they made.

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~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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Okay, thanks.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Freshman
We Three Blings


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What's Andy Warhol and Lou Reed's favorite candy?

Nico Waffers! (Get it? Neeco and Nico?)

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"High-Five!" - Borat

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Gg83
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
quote:
Originally posted by Gg83:
Three elephants were walking along. Two of them fell on the ground and the third fell into a pool.

Ba-dum tssh!

I don't get it. [Confused]
quote:
Originally posted by Chloe:
That's the noise they made.

Indeed. To be said in classic rimshot style, like someone at a set of drums punctuating a joke. I suppose it works better told out loud, but even then people tend not to get it at first. I find it's worth telling twice, because people tend to say, "Huh?" the first time (so don't feel bad, GenYus), but when they do eventually get it, it's worth it for the groans alone.
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Brad from Georgia
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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How do you catch a unique squirrel?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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.
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.
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You 'neak up on him.

--------------------
"No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly
Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/

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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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How do you catch a tame squirrel?

The tame way.

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I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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You hear about the Arkansas family who frove to death at the drive in theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter"

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Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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Green Eggs and Spam
Deck the Malls


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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks agina accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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diehard
Deck the Malls


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Huh???? [Confused] [Confused]

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Daddy "You are my "Special Angel" 1942-1999"

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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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That's like last "Without a Trace" I will ever waste my time on. At the end what's-his-face walks to tell two mothers what happened to each of their kidnapped children. We know one died and the other survived, but not which did what. He starts toward them where they are sitting together and you see their anguished faces, and it ends.

Whew! Too avant-garde or intellectual for me.

Been waiting to rant on that one.
[flame]

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Dara bhur gCara
As Shepherds Watched Their Flocks Buy Now Pay Later


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Fella sees a job going for a Blacksmith's apprentice, so he goes down and has an interview. The Blacksmith asks him "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No, but I once told a pig to NFBSK off."

--------------------
This wrinkle in time, I can't give it no credit, I thought about my space and it really got me down.
Got me so down, I got me a headache, My heart is crammed in my cranium and it still knows how to pound


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candycane from strangers
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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[lol] good one, Dara.

--------------------
Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer."
A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!"
"Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND
God Re-Animate Green Pork Bush

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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Man walks into a pet shop and says "I'd like a wasp, please."
Shopkeeper smirks, "We don't sell wasps, sir."
Man replies "But you've one in the window!"
---
What's brown and sticky?
A brown stick
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What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same
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What's in the rabbit library?
Bucks
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What's brown, furry and parps when you sit on it?
A wookie cushion
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"My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead." - some dead guy
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What made the headlines?
Corduroy pillows
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
---
What does the purple policeman say when he puts you in purple prison?
Indigo
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How do you annoy a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
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What's the difference between snot and sprouts?
Kids won't eat sprouts
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So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
---
-"Waiter, waiter, my vinegar's lumpy!"
-"Those are pickled onions, sir"
---
Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?
Because if he didn't, he'd be called EeeWah WooWah.
---
"Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me!" -
"Next, please!"
---
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
---
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old one was.
---
Two cows standing in a field
Cow 1 : Are you worried about this mad cow disease?
Cow 2 : Why would I be, I'm a penguin.
---
What did Hannibal say before he led his army across the Alps on elephants?
"Okay men! Get on your elephants!"
---


And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Spikey
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by Neffti:
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same

I don't get it [Confused]

--------------------
"The fact that "uvula" and "vulva" look and sound similar was just a happy coincidence." - Lainie

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Dutch Angua
Deck the Malls


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That's the point.
Silly question, equalliy silly answer.

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Dude, where's my siggy?

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Spikey
Jingle Bell Hock


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Ok. Not a joke in my book, but to each their own. [Razz]

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"The fact that "uvula" and "vulva" look and sound similar was just a happy coincidence." - Lainie

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jw
The First USA Noel


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World Cup Jokes

Two English birds on an Easijet plane returning from Spain pre-world cup, talking about David Beckham.
First one: "He plays in Spain doesn't he? How can he play for us in the world cup?"
Second One: "I really don't know."

again pre-world cup
Overheard on a London bus
"Now that Wayne Rooney is injured, can we not play Thiery Henry instead? He's good isn't he?"


Overheard conversation in Co. Cork restaurant
Wife: "I see the world cup has started. Did we qualify?"
Husband: "No, dear."
Wife: "Never mind, you can shout for Barcelona so."

Read on a web thread yesterday.
Someone who drew Toga in a sweep..."I thought Toga was short for Trinidad & Tobago"

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On my old guitar sell tickets, so someone can finally pick it.

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Dutch Angua:
That's the point.
Silly question, equalliy silly answer.

Ok, here's another silly one:

Why did the duck cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by jw:
World Cup Jokes

Two English birds on an Easijet plane returning from Spain pre-world cup, talking about David Beckham.
First one: "He plays in Spain doesn't he? How can he play for us in the world cup?"
Second One: "I really don't know."

again pre-world cup
Overheard on a London bus
"Now that Wayne Rooney is injured, can we not play Thiery Henry instead? He's good isn't he?"


Overheard conversation in Co. Cork restaurant
Wife: "I see the world cup has started. Did we qualify?"
Husband: "No, dear."
Wife: "Never mind, you can shout for Barcelona so."

Read on a web thread yesterday.
Someone who drew Toga in a sweep..."I thought Toga was short for Trinidad & Tobago"

Hmm. I guess you have to be a soccer fan to understand.

--------------------
I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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Green Eggs and Spam
Deck the Malls


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FACTS OF LIFE -OR- THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the ampit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade--at any time of the year.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note--just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.

Every mother routinely cooks eggs, bacon, and waffles for her family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The mother will not be upset by this.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

All single women have a cat.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings--especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind him and talk to his back.

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

Having a job of any kind will make any father forget his son's eighth birthday.

Many musical instruments--especially wind instruments and accordions--can be played without moving the fingers.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

And the Capitol, the Washington Monument, and the White House are visible from any window in Washington. Side by side.


[Edited to add more examples (I found another list)] [Smile]

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starsplinter
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Like the one before...

What's the difference between an orange?
A vest, because a ball is round!

Great to tell and just watch people's expressions.

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Pork Chop
Anchovy of a 1000 Days


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A neutron goes into a restaraunt. He orders a triple cheeseburger, some chili fries, potato skins, and an extra large Coke. When the waitress brings him his food, he scarfs it.

The waitress comes back, and the neutron orders another Coke, a slice of cheesecake, and a slice of apple pie. The waitress brings him his food and just like before, he eats it quickly.

The waitress comes back one last time.
"How much do I owe you?" asks the neutron.
"For you, Mr. Neutron," replies the waitress, "it's no charge."

--------------------
Have you heard the Word?
Praise Hircine!

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IlGreven, Swan a-Swimmin'
Grandma Got Run Over by a Rain Check


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quote:
Originally posted by Green Eggs and Spam:
FACTS OF LIFE -OR- THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

Not true.

Sometimes you can only see the Arc de Triomphe.

Grev (Hey! This hotel window only lets me see a stupid arch! What a ripoff!)

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A gigantic force on the 'Net, and even BIGGER in person.

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Jay Temple
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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How do you get a 90-year-old woman to swear? Have another 90-year-old woman shout, "Bingo!"

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"Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy

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Green Eggs and Spam
Deck the Malls


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Why did Ronald McDonald go streaking?
He wanted to show off his sesame seed buns.

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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump.

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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And where does the Pink Panther live?

Dur-ham, Dur-ham, Durham, Durham, Durham

--------------------
Andrew, Ware, England

Posts: 1709 | From: Ware, England | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Green Eggs and Spam
Deck the Malls


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How many Hittites* does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Two -- one to stir the batter, and one to squeeze the rabbit.

Did you hear about the Hittite who was going to go on an elephant hunt?
He had to turn back because he developed a hernia from carrying the decoy.


*If you know an ethnic joke, you can change it to Hittite and no one will be offended since Hittites no longer exist. It probably would work for blonde jokes as well. [Wink]

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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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Put the coffee cups down. This is ethnic and slightly NFBSK:

--------------------------------------

A recruter for the Technocratic party is going through a Scandinavian area of the American Midwest back in the 1930's. He stops at a Swedish farmhouse and the lady of the house answers the door.

"Ya?"

He shows her some brochures, talks a bit, and asks if she might support the Technocratic Party.

"Sorry, I no Technocrat." the lady says.

"Well, how about your husband?" the man asks.

"I don't know." She says. "I ask Him. He upstairs." She turns and calls;

"Olie!",

No answer.

"OLIE!!"

Still no answer.

"OOOLLLLLIIIEEE!!!!!!"

Finally,"Ya?"

"Are you a Technocrat?"

"No I yoost shavin'"

Posts: 161 | From: California | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Louise
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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I don't get it.

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"Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England:
And where does the Pink Panther live?

Dur-ham, Dur-ham, Durham, Durham, Durham

Better than mine - What does the Pink Panther say when he spills his tea in the garden?

Dead ant, dead ant, deadantdeadantdeadantdeadantdeadaaaaaant, deadantdeadant dead ant.

Posts: 1157 | From: Westcountry UK "It's Bootiful" | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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Louise,

What else could "Are you a Technocrat" sound like if muffled by distance?

Where would Olie be if he was shaving? [Confused] [lol]

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Louise
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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oh, i get it. har har, very funny

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"Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain

Posts: 173 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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