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Author Topic: The Clean Joke Challenge
Richard Nixon
I Saw Three Shipments


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A lady was at her house watching TV news and she heard that there was a man who was driving backwards on the highway. She then realized that the highway the backwards car was on was the highway that her husband drove from work on. She called her husband to warn him. “Did you hear about the guy driving backwards on the highway?” The husband responded “There isn’t just one person driving backwards on the highway; there are hundreds!”
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Four Kitties
Layaway in a Manger


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Heard around the dinner table on Easter Sunday:

Q: Where does the Easter Bunny go for breakfast?

A: IHOP!

--------------------
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

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boogers
We Three Blings


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What's the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut behind the wheel.
_____________________________

Did you know that Nebuchadnezzar talked too much?

He did tend to Babylon.

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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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A customer steps up to the counter and orders a Polish sausage sandwich.
The guy behind the counter is quiet for a moment, then asks; "Are you Polish?".
The customer couldn't believe what he had just heard.
"What kind of a question is that", he said. "If I had ordered a salami sandwich would you ask if I am Italian? or if I'd ordered a corned beef would you ask me if I was Irish? Hey, this is 2006, isn't it about time we dropped the ethnic stuff?"
The man at the counter was silent for a moment, then replied quietly; "Sir, this is a hardware store"

Ka-thump

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Green Eggs and Spam
Deck the Malls


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How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of lightbulb and find a more efficient form of lighting--perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS: Don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.

PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE: It's your lightbulb--change it yourself. Unless... is there food involved??

POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.

BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI: LIGHTBULB?? We don't change no steenking lightbulbs!!

MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair.........

AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What lightbulb? So? We can play in the dark.

COCKER SPANIEL: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself - you didn't have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."

DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

CORGI: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER: Lightbulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb?

STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out--then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE: Just 1, and he'll rewire the house while he's at it.

WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the lightbulb to my "To Do" list...."

DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat ... no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it ... No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez ... do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)

IRISH SETTER: Only 1, but it will put in a really dim bulb.

PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb ... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let go of the light bulb??????

CHIHUAHUA: You are asking me?......I DON'T THINK SO!.......

GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: HUH????

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Green Eggs and Spam
Deck the Malls


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Here's another version of previously posted elephant jokes:

How do you fit four elephants into a yellow Volkswagen?
You put two in the front and two in the back.

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your refrigerator?
You can't close the door.

How can you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
You can't close the door and the peanut butter's gone.

How can you tell if there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
By the yellow Volkswagen parked out front.

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Green Eggs and Spam
Deck the Malls


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Definitions:

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official

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Green Eggs and Spam
Deck the Malls


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Martha Stewart vs. Reality

Martha's Hint #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Reality: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

----------

Martha's Hint #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

Reality: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

----------

Martha's Hint #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Reality: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

----------

Martha's Hint #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

Reality: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

----------

Martha's Hint #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

Reality: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

----------

Martha's Hint #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

Reality: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

----------

Martha's Hint #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

Reality: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

----------

Martha's Hint #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Reality: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

----------

Martha's Hint #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

Reality: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just too bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

----------

Martha's Hint #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Reality: Celery?

----------

Martha's Hint #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Reality: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

----------

Martha's Hint #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

Reality: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

----------

Martha's Hint #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

Reality: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

----------

Martha's Hint #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

Reality: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

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Martha's Hint #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Reality: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

----------

Martha's Hint #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Reality: Leftover wine?

----------

Martha's Hint #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Reality: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

----------

Martha's Hint #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

Reality: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

----------

Martha's Hint #19: Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Reality: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

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Ganzfeld
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I don't know which is more pitiful: Someone who can't cook without Martha Stewart's advice or someone who can't even cook corn on the cob.
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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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I saw a good Winston Churchill tale not too long ago:
George Bernard Shaw sent an invitation to Churchill saying:
"Please attend the opening night of my new play, and bring a friend, if you have one."
Churchill replied:
"Can't be there on opening night, will attend second night, if you have one."

--------------------------------------

An Irishman walks up to Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates and Peter greets him:
"Hello, and who might you be?"
"Patrick O'Mally."
"And what do you do, Patrick?"
"I am a bomber for the IRA."
Saint Peter is startled, pauses for a second then says:
"Excuse me Patrick, but that's pretty heavy and I am afraid I will have to go upstairs and talk to the Big Man before I can let you in. I cant make a decision like that myself."
Patrick replied:
"Oh, I'm not wanting to come in, I'm just here to tell you that you have ten minutes to get out."

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yogi cat
I Saw Three Shipments


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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.  As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

--------------------
We criticize a thinker more sharply when he presents us with a displeasing proposition; and yet it would be more reasonable to do this when his proposition pleases us.
--Nietzsche

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A Cat Named Easter
Catfish on a Hot Tin Roof


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I suppose I should have posted this last month...

The landlord's washing glasses in the pub one night, listening to all the usual customers talking and laughing, when a gust of wind blows the door open, and in walks a rabbit. Well you get all sorts of funny types in pubs so the landlord just raises an eyebrow and carries on cleaning the glasses. The rain's lashing down outside and there's thunder and lightning, but the rabbit kicks the door shut and strolls slowly over to the bar, the water running down his face, over his fur and down his hind legs and feet to the floor. He hops up on a barstool and sighs heavily.

"You alright?" the landlord asks the rabbit.
"Not so bad, not so bad" says the rabbit, wiping his face on a newspaper.
"Hard day?" says the landlord, hoping that the rabbit has money.

"Aye" says the rabbit, "I've been working like a dog all day, digging tunnels out in the rain, nicking carrots for the missus and the kids. I'm pig sick of carrots, you know, and I've hardly eaten today. I'm famished in fact. Do you do any food?"
"Well, not often" replies the landlord, but as the rabbit's whiskers droop, he says, "We could fix you a toasted sandwich"

The rabbit's ears perk up. "That'd be perfect!" he exclaims. "What kinds have you got?"
"We can fix you tomato and cheddar, ham or mozarella"
"You know, I just fancy a mozarella one"

So the landlord goes and a little while later one of the bar staff brings the rabbit out a toasted mozarella sandwich. The rabbit eats it in about a minute flat and thanks them, saying it's just what he wanted, and leaves, looking much perkier.
The next night the rabbit comes in again. The landlord asks him how he is, and he says he's been working all day, dreaming of the pub's toasties. "Except I'm not really in the mood for cheese today" he ponders for a while, then asks for a half pint of beer and a ham toastie.

The rabbit drinks his beer and starts eating his toastie, and everything's fine, but about a minute after he finishes his sandwich, he drops down dead on the floor.

The next night, the landlord's washing the glasses behind the bar, and the ghost of the rabbit saunters in through the door. The landlord looks at him, surprised. "Hello! We, errr... hadn't expected to see you around here again. Hard day?"
"Not too bad, not too bad" says the rabbit's ghost. "I've been working dead hard all day, scaring farmers into giving the missus carrots. Have you got any spirits for a tired rabbit?"

Well the farmer's glad the rabbit doesn't seem to be blaming him for his sudden and unexplained death, but while he's fetching the rabbit some gin, his curiosity gets the better of him. "I'm sorry," he asks him, "if it's a little insensitive, but, can you tell me why you died?"

"Ah" says the rabbit sadly, downing his gin, "They told me I died from mixing my toasties."

--------------------
I am the death that walks the night.
I am the bringer of dreamless sleep.

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noysey
The Swordfish in the Stone


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A man walks into a bar with a dog and he picks it up and sits it on the stool next to him. The bartender tells him he will have to leave because animals are not allowed.

"But this dog can talk", the man says, "If you will give me a free drink I'll have him talk for you".

The bartender gives him a drink and says; "OK, lets hear him talk."

The man asks the dog; "How would you describe a sea with twenty foot waves?" and the dog replys; "ROUGH, ROUGH." and the man says; "See, he is describing rough seas".

The bartender tells the man; "Thats not talking, I'm taking the drink back."

"Wait", the man says, "give him another chance."

The bartender says OK, so the man asks; "What is it over your head when you are home that protects you from the elements?"

The dog replies; "ROOF, ROOF", and the man says "See he knows that your roof is what protects you at home."

"What is this?" the bartender says, thats still not talking, get outa here."

"Give me one more chance", the man says, "He really can talk."

"OK, ONE MORE CHANCE, but it better be good", the bartender said.

The man asks; "who is the greatest baseball player?" and the dog replies; "RUTH, RUTH."

The man says; "See, Babe Ruth, the greatest of them all."

The bartender has had enough, grabs the drink and throws the man out.

The dog follows his master out and sits beside him on the curb.

The dog looks over at him and says; "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio."

---------------------------------

(The dog's replies in the bar are to be spoken in a woofy kind of way.)

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notorious fluffy g
I Saw Three Shipments


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what's white and floats up?
a confused snowflake

--------------------
"Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner."

* Sir John Lubbock

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notorious fluffy g
I Saw Three Shipments


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why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

to get to the bottom!

klunk [Big Grin]

--------------------
"Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner."

* Sir John Lubbock

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Louise
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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ye gad.

--------------------
"Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain

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forcadragons
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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A hypochondriac goes to his doctor's convinced that he's got some fatal disease. The doctor humours him by running all available tests which all, naturally, come back negative. The patient isn't convinced and asks the doctor if he's sure that's all the tests that are available. The doctor says that there are just two more tests he can do, but they're not standard procedure. The patient asks for them anyway. The doctor leaves the room briefly and returns with a cat and a labrador dog. First, the cat walks round the patient a few times, eyeing him up. Then the labrador does the same, giving the patient a good sniff. Both pets leave the room and the doctor says...

"There you go. Even the cat scan and the lab report were negative."

--------------------
We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

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snapdragonfly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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A guy was getting his haircut, sitting there at the barbers, and the barber says to him, "see that kid about to walk in the door?" The customer says, "yeah?" The barber says, "this is the dumbest kid you've ever seen. We play this game and the kid always does the same stupid thing. Just watch."

The kid walks in and up to the barber. "I'm ready to play the game!" he says. The barber pulls some change out of his pocket and extends a quarter in one hand, and a dollar in the other, to the kid, and says, "pick one." The kid grabs the quarter and runs off.

"huh," says the customer. "yeah," says the barber. "Darndest thing. He's been coming in here every day for a year now and he never, ever picks the dollar. Always takes the quarter."

The customer's haircut is done so he pays, and leaves. As he is walking down the sidewalk he sees the kid, happily licking a .25 ice cream, and stops and says, "hey kid, let me ask you something - you don't seem all that dumb to me, but the barber says you are the stupidest kid he knows - so why do you always take the quarter?"

The kid shrugs and says, "the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

--------------------
"Wolves, dragons and vampires, man. Draw the nut-bars like big ol' nut-bar magnets." ~evilrabbit

(snurched because one of my nutbar family members is all about wolves and another one is all about dragons...)(with apologies to surfcitydogdad)

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frogpond
Jingle Sales


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Here's a music joke I haven't seen on the thread yet:

How do you get two oboe players in tune?
Shoot one of them.

--------------------
So many books, so little time.

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Mr. Billion
The First USA Noel


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A doctor joke I haven't seen yet:

Guy walks into his doctor's office with a couple carrots sticking out of his ears and two pieces of celery sticking out of his nostrils. Hey says, "Doctor, doctor, I feel terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks him over and he says, "Well, to begin with, you're not eating right."

--------------------
"For the U.S. to get involved militarily in determining the outcome of the struggle over who's going to govern Iraq strikes me as a classic definition of a quagmire." ~Dick Cheney.

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Brad from Georgia
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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So the cop pulls a speeder over outside of Birmingham, Alabama, and asks to see his license.

"I ain't got one of 'em thangs," the driver says.

The cop grinds his teeth. "Well, have you got ANY I.D.?"

"'Bout whut?"

--------------------
"No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly
Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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quote:
Martha's Hint #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Reality: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Reality II: Take a lime, cut it in half, juice it, mix with tequila, triple sec, salt and drink.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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frogpond
Jingle Sales


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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possom it could be done!

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So many books, so little time.

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The Goof
Deck the Malls


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What to you get when you leave a pile of bones in the sun? A skeleTAN.

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"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid,than to open it and remove all doubt."- Mark Twain

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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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I have a pet newt named Tiny. I named him Tiny because he's my newt.

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I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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ASSOCIATED PRESS RELEASE

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement all the colour drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself & asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazilian?".

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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quote:
Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
You nearly killed me. I was eating pizza.

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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Gg83
Deck the Malls


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Three elephants were walking along. Two of them fell on the ground and the third fell into a pool.

Ba-dum tssh!

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diehard
Deck the Malls


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What happened to the grape when the elephant sat on it?

He let out a little wine!~!~! [Big Grin]

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Daddy "You are my "Special Angel" 1942-1999"

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Elphaba Fabala Elphie Fae
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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You're faced with an oboe player, a flautist, and a piccolo player. You have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?

The oboe player. Twice.


Har har. I've played the oboe for years, so maybe that joke is funnier to me than it should be.

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The Wicked Witch of the West was FRAMED!

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Megan'sMom
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Elphaba Fabala Elphie Fae:
You're faced with an oboe player, a flautist, and a piccolo player. You have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?

The oboe player. Twice.


Har har. I've played the oboe for years, so maybe that joke is funnier to me than it should be.

Having played flute and piccolo during my formative years with a sister who tortured an oboe, that joke may be even funnier to me than it is to you. [Smile] Thanks, Elphie!

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Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of --
but do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.

- Lazarus Long

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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Andrew of Ware posted:
How do you get five whales into a mini?
You can't. It's full of elephants.

How do you get two whales in a mini?

Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.

(Only really works out loud...)

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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What do you give an elephant with piles?

Plenty of room.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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Macheath
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Once when I was a child my uncle once came into my room in the middle of the night and woke me up.

"Hey," he said. "Jonathan, you want to see a dead body?"

I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, it was such an odd request. But my uncle waited for an answer, so I said, "Yes."

So then he laid his head on my lap and passed away.

Mack da "first time I heard that, it slayed me" Knife

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http://www.artcpodcast.org - There is adventure in sound!

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

>
>
>
>
>
>
>(its a real treat)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>(a masterpiece)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>(wait for it)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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