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Author Topic: The Clean Joke Challenge
Alyssa098
I Saw Three Shipments


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There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; "For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help." The atheist said, "I'm sorry God. If you can't help me, can't you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, "Bless me Lord for this meal I'm about to receive!"

Tracey

ETA: I got the only word of this post that I didn't copy wrong [Smile]

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Cleetus Awrightus-Awreetus
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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[scottish accent]

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings, but Walt Disney

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Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before ... he is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr

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monkey
Happy Holly Days


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An atheist was on his way to a job interview, but couldn't find parking. He drove around the block so many times that he was going to be late - and he needed this job! He prayed to God: "Lord, if you'll just give me a parking space, I'll change my ways and follow you." As he turned the corner, he saw it - the perfect space! Right in front of the building! He quickly said another prayer: "Never mind; I found one."

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http://sarahdwebber.wordpress.com/

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hudders
I Saw Three Shipments


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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his own field.

How long does it take a candle to burn?
About a wick.

What's E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs.

Why do bank managers carry briefcases?
Because briefcases can't walk.

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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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What's the safest place to be during a tornado in Chicago?
Soldier Field; there's NEVER a touchdown there!

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I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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Phil'sGirl
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by Nocturnal Goddess: The Masquerade:
Um, why are blonde jokes considered "clean"?

Nocturnal "Brilliant Blonde" Goddess

Probably for the same reason as atheist jokes being considered 'clean'.

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"Nobody ever looks like McCarthy, sir. That's how they get in the door in the first place" Toby on The West Wing

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yogi cat
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:
Originally posted by Dr. Winston O'Boogie:

OK, this one may be stretching the definition of "clean"....

What do you get if you take Bambi, and gouge his eyes out with a red-hot poker? No eye deer

What do you get if you take Bambi, gouge his eyes out with a red-hot poker, then cut his legs off? Still no eye deer

The final part of that one definitely puts it beyond clean...
What do you call him after you've chopped his balls off?
Still no f#&@ing eye deer.

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We criticize a thinker more sharply when he presents us with a displeasing proposition; and yet it would be more reasonable to do this when his proposition pleases us.
--Nietzsche

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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An Australian Bushland farmer decided one day that he would sell his cattle as a cash protection against a predicted drought. He called a cattle buyer who examined the bovines and set a price. Deciding it was far too low, the farmer decided he might do better by offering them for auction at the district fair. There, the cows broke loose and trampled down a gate leading to a tent where the district band was playing "Waltzing Matilda." They milled around the uniformed musicians and fortunately hurt no one. The crowd from the cattle auction followed the animals into the tent and cheered them on. When the auction resumed later, the cattle had gained so much attention they sold for twice as much as the original offer. This surely proves that a herd in the band is worth two in the bush.

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Ad astra per asparagus.

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Lgreywolf
Deck the Malls


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In a subway station a man has fallen from the platform and is standing on the tracks. The oncoming train can be heard but he just stares blankly at all the people shouting "Give me your hand!" and makes no move at all toward them. A wise old rabbi comes to the edge of the platform and asks the man "Excuse me young man, what is your profession?" The man answers "I'm an accountant for the IRS." "In that case," says the rabbi, "take my hand!" The man grabs the rabbi's hand and the rabbi pulls him to safety just before the train runs him down.

The rabbi says to the crowd, "You all had good intentions, but let this be a lesson to you. Never ask a tax man to give you anything."


Lgrey"possibly from the Big Book of Jewish Humor"wolf

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"Most Jewish holidays can be summed up very simply: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat." - my in-laws' Rabbi.

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Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Heard this one last night, singing with the church choir:

How many policemen does it take to push a man off of a building?

None. He jumped.

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"The large print givith, and the small print taketh away" -- Tom Waits, Step Right Up

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." -- Salvador Dali

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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This thread has a distinct lack of elephant jokes.

Until now...

Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.

What is the difference between an elephany and a post box?
You don't know? Well, I'm not asking you to post a letter.

How can you tell if you have an elephany in your fridge?
There are footprints in the custards.

What game do elephants play in a mini?
Squash.

How do you get five elephants into a mini?
Two in the front and three in the back?

How do you get five whales into a mini?
You can't. It's full of elephants.

I'd better stop before you all die laughing. I must get my book of elephant jokes out. It's ages since I last read it.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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Blue Fuzzy Thing
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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I'm embarrassed to admit this, but it took me a very long time (years) to get this joke:

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t, you get down from a duck.

Now, let’s not speak of this again.

Blue Fuzzy Thing

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People say I have ADD, but they just don’t understand that... Oh look! A chicken!

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NorthernLite
We Three Blings


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Music joke

Q: What's the difference between an electric bass and an electric guitar?
A: The bass burns longer.

Q: What did the drummer get on his music exam
A: Drool.

Q: What do you call a tone deaf person who hangs out with musicians
A: A drummer

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You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. -Blazing Saddles

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boogers
We Three Blings


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A boy scout comes home and says "Mommy, I did my good deed for the day. Me and Tommy and Joey and Bobby helped an old lady across the street!"

The mother says, "That's nice, dear, but why did it take so many of you?"

The boy scout says, "Because she didn't want to go!"

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Don Enrico
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England:

How do you get five elephants into a mini?
Two in the front and three in the back?


How do you know that five elephants are going to the movies?
The mini is parked in front of it.

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My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling, but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places. - Pooh Bear

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JoFo
Joy to the world, the Wii has come.


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A couple of particularly lame ones that popped into my head recently.

Q: What do you call it when a couple of fruits begin having marital problems?

A: Trouble in pear-adise!

Q: What do you call it when all of the crops in the world die out?

A: Farmaggeddon!

Q: What do you call a bug that would rather suck your blood than do something fun?

A: A "tick in the mud"!

Allow me... [fish]

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I'm not paranoid, I'm just surrounded by enemies!

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boogers
We Three Blings


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What did the boy melon say to the girl melon?


Honeydew you love me?
__________________________

What did the girl melon say to the boy melon?

Canteloupe now, my father's watchin'.

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Toys for big boys.
Deck the Malls


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Who is the coolest man in the hospital?

The ultra sound guy.


The following will only make sense to the British Snopesters:

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

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I am not taking lectures on physics from a man in tights.

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Richard Nixon
I Saw Three Shipments


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Three old ladies were driving on a highway. They were stopped by a police car. "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The lady driving asked. "You are driving extremely slow." The pliceman replied. "But the sign back there says 23!" The old lady argued. "No, that's the route number." The policeman cleared. The old lady steps out of the car and sees four other old ladies in the back of the police car. "What happened to them?" she asked. The policeman answered, "They just got off route 190." [lol]
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Mistletoey Chloe
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Toys: that was wonderful! I plan to memorize it and add it to my repertoire post-haste. It may well be the first clean joke so honored.

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~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~

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Richard Nixon
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:
Originally posted by Alyssa098:
There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; "For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help." The atheist said, "I'm sorry God. If you can't help me, can't you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, "Bless me Lord for this meal I'm about to receive!"

Tracey

ETA: I got the only word of this post that I didn't copy wrong [Smile]

He said no hate-ism! [flame]
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Mistletoey Chloe
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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[Confused] Was it anti-atheist? Anti-Christian? Anti-bear?

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~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~

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Richard Nixon
I Saw Three Shipments


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anti-atheist.
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notorious fluffy g
I Saw Three Shipments


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what's the best way to see a flying saucers?
startle your waitress.

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"Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner."

* Sir John Lubbock

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notorious fluffy g
I Saw Three Shipments


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whats red and white on the outside, and grey and white on the inside?

Campbells Cream of Elephant soup.

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"Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner."

* Sir John Lubbock

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
-Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
-Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door

The Lion King throws a party. All the animals are invited. Only one doesn't show up. Who?
-The giraffe. He's in the fridge.

You are walking through the jungle and you come to a river infested with crocodiles. They love human meat and eat anyone who tries to cross. Yet you cross in safety. How?
-The crocodiles are at the Lion King's party.

[Big Grin]

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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How do you make an elephant float?

A glass of root beer and two scoops of elephant.

--------------------
Ad astra per asparagus.

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Anyte
Jingle Bell Hock


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I'd always heard five elephants in a mini as "Two in the front seat, two in the back seat, and one in the trunk."

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Too broke to pay attention

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Anyte
Jingle Bell Hock


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Elephant waffles.

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Too broke to pay attention

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?

The ceiling is very close.

--------------------
Ad astra per asparagus.

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notorious fluffy g
I Saw Three Shipments


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A priest , a Rabbi and a minister go into a bar.

the bartender says "what is this? some kind of a joke?"

--------------------
"Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner."

* Sir John Lubbock

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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How many emergency room doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.

--------------------
Ad astra per asparagus.

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kmcm
We Three Blings


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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts.

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Of course this land is dangerous! All of the animals are capably murderous. Especially the penguins.

i'm a figment of my own imagination, sometimes i don't exist

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Kal
I Saw Three Shipments


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I'd tell you the one about the wall, but you'd never get over it.
Or there's the one about the bodysnatchers, but you'd only get carried away.
Then there's the one about the butter, but you might spread it.
And finally, and bordering on the unclean, did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

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Do the weetabix ask such questions? I think not!

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Richard Nixon
I Saw Three Shipments


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A lady was at her house watching TV news and she heard that there was a man who was driving backwards on the highway. She then realized that the highway the backwards car was on was the highway that her husband drove from work on. She called her husband to warn him. “Did you hear about the guy driving backwards on the highway?” The husband responded “There isn’t just one person driving backwards on the highway; there are hundreds!”
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