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Author Topic: The Clean Joke Challenge
trollface
The Bills of St. Mary's


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How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Phillippe Philloppe.

Why did the 5th monkey fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a new kind of game.

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seriously , everyone on here , just trys to give someone crap about something they do !! , its shitting me to tears.

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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quote:
Originally posted by ottercreek:
Q: How many Washington politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1536.....
435 members of congress to pass a congressional resolution saying that a lightbulb should be changed. 100 members of the senate to pass a similar resolution. 500 lobbyists to get pay-backs as a result of the future lightbulb changing. 400 people hired to do various government studies that ensure that the lightbulb changing will not detrimentially hurt the American people. 9 members of the supreme court to make sure the changing of the lightbulb is constitutional. 90 corporate big wigs who somehow make record profits off it all. One president to sign it into law....and his intern!

Note that the lightbulb has not actually been changed.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by Remarkgullabull:
What, no blonde jokes??? I guess someone has to start....


Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Er, hum. What about my 'joke' (told by a blonde broadcaster) made forty-six minutes before yours? Are you blonde? [Big Grin]

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Andrew, Ware, England

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Remarkgullabull
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Er, hum. What about my 'joke' (told by a blonde broadcaster) made forty-six minutes before yours? Are you blonde? [Big Grin]
OOPS! Sorry about that!! [Razz]

Remark "only a closet blonde" gullabull

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Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by Remarkgullabull:
quote:
Er, hum. What about my 'joke' (told by a blonde broadcaster) made forty-six minutes before yours? Are you blonde? [Big Grin]
OOPS! Sorry about that!! [Razz]

Remark "only a closet blonde" gullabull

That's all right. I hope I wasn't being rude.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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Remarkgullabull
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England:
quote:
Originally posted by Remarkgullabull:
quote:
Er, hum. What about my 'joke' (told by a blonde broadcaster) made forty-six minutes before yours? Are you blonde? [Big Grin]
OOPS! Sorry about that!! [Razz]

Remark "only a closet blonde" gullabull

That's all right. I hope I wasn't being rude.
No offense taken at all. [Smile]

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Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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James G.
Xboxing Day


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I've been trying to think up a few new jokes recently. Unfortunately all my eye jokes get cornea and cornea and my lung jokes are even scillia. I had experimented with jokes about plant reproduction but found that there was a stigma attatched.

And for all that I appologise.

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This is a public service announcement. The board is moving. Check Announcements Photos[/URL]

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Ardeco
The World According to Carp


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quote:
Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England:
Heard on Radio Two this morning (Sarah Kennedy):

A blonde lady is driving behind a lorry. They stop at some traffic lights. She hops out of her car and goes to the driver of the lorry.

Hello, my name is Sharon and you are dropping your load.

The huge gruff driver says nothing and they both drive off. At the next set of traffic lights the blonde lady again stops behind the lorry.
The lady hopes out of her car and goes to the driver.

Hello, my name is Sharon and you are dropping your load.

They drive on and at a third set of lights they again have to stop. The huge gruff driver gets out of his lorry and goes to the lady.

Listen. My name's Ron and this is a gritting lorry.

A blonde wakes up one morning and decides she wants to learn how to ice fish. So, she gets a pole and a drill and everything else she needs and goes out to the ice. She starts to drill a hole in the ice and suddenly she hears a voice from above:

"THERE ARE NO FISH HERE"

so she shrugs and moves to a different spot on the ice. She starts to drill again, and the voice says:

"THERE ARE NO FISH HERE"

Annoyed, she moves to yet another location, starts to drill, and the voice says once more:

"I KEEP TELLING YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!"

"Who are you? God?" The blonde asks?

"NO," replies the voice, "BUT I OWN THIS ICE RINK AND THERE ARE NO FISH HERE."

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mouse goddess
We Three Blings


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Some guys are in a wilderness survival class and they're being asked the one item they'd want if they were stranded in the wild.

first guys says a book of matches, if he can get his fire started quickly, he'll have more time to do other survival things.

second guy says a good knife, because its uses are limitless.

third guy says a deck of cards.

A deck of cards??

Yup...I figure I'll start a game of solitaire, and before I know it, someone will be along to say "you know you can put that black 9 on the red 10 there."

Any solitaire addict can relate.

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"this could increase your brain power, or it could kill you..." "Increase my killing power, ehh???"

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Stormfeather
Silver Sells


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Oooo, I love blonde jokes! Especially since the previous joke reminds me of one:

Three people get lost out in the woods, one of them a blonde. They're all hungry and need some food, so they all decide to go look for tracks to find some prey.

The first one goes out, finds some tracks and says "rabbit tracks!" She follows the tracks, finds the rabbit, manages to catch it, and brings it back.

The second person goes out, finds some tracks, and says "oh, deer tracks!" So after trailing the tracks for a while with the help the one firearm they had with them, she manages to shoot the deer and bring it back.

Then the blonde goes out, and finds some tracks, and decides to follow them. She was still trying to figure out what kind they were when she was hit by the train.

*******

And for some of the usual shorter ones:

Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence

Q: How can you tell when a blonde's been using the computer?
A: By all the white-out on the screen

Q: What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech-vroom-screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light

Q: Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s

Q: What do you call ten blondes standing side-by-side?
A: A wind tunnel

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-,-'-,-<<0

This space for rent

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Elizabeth Lemons
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a brandy.....................................and coke."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds, "I dunno... I've always had them."

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"El corazón del hombre es como el horizonte, una parte del cielo; pero como el horizonte, cambia noche y dia."

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JFB
Jingle Bell Hock


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A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I've heard this one before."
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IlGreven, Swan a-Swimmin'
Grandma Got Run Over by a Rain Check


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A few sports ones:

What do you call a hockey player that can't skate?
Goalie.

What do you call a basketball player that can't shoot?
Center.

A blonde was shooting 3-pointers, and he was missing...badly, airball after airball. A coach sees him miss 50 in a row, then comes up and says, "You know you're supposed to get 'em in the basket, right?"
The blonde says, "Yeah."
The coach says, "So what gives?"
The blonde says, "I'm building a house."

(Yes, this one was my own creation. Feel free to throw vegetables. Or fish.)

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A gigantic force on the 'Net, and even BIGGER in person.

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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar and Napoleon were in Hell, and of course, they were talking strategy. One day, Alexander said :

"Hey, guys, look at the USA... what impresses me most with them is all the tanks they have. True, I had the Phalanx and a fine cavalry, but with TANKS, nothing - not even war elephants - could have stopped me, and I would have conquered all of Asia !"

Then Ceasar said :

"Yeah, tanks are nice, but the most amazing thing these Americans have is that huge Air Force ! If there had been AIRPLANES in my times, I would have wiped out every enemy, easily transported my armies to far-away places - and the Roman Legions would have conquered the whole world.

Finally, Napoleon said :

"Youre right, my friends, all of this advanced equipment is very useful, but what impresses me most with the USA is FOX NEWS... If I'd had FOX NEWS back in 1815, the whole world would have thought I WON the battle of Waterloo !"

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Desperate, but not serious.

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trollface
The Bills of St. Mary's


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quote:
Originally posted by mouse goddess:
Some guys are in a wilderness survival class and they're being asked the one item they'd want if they were stranded in the wild.

Not really a joke as such, but if I was asked what one thing I'd take into the wilderness, my answer would be simple - Ray Mears.

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seriously , everyone on here , just trys to give someone crap about something they do !! , its shitting me to tears.

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Blue Fuzzy Thing
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by ottercreek:
Oldie but goodie:

There was this joke club. Every week, they got together and told jokes. After some time, people got so used to the old jokes that they began to just give them numbers to save joke-telling time. Someone would yell out, "number 17" and people would laugh. Then someone would yell out, "number 82". More laughs. Then one day, someone yelled out "number 23" and people laughed but this one guy was laughing like crazy. He laughed so loud and for so long. Someone asked him, "hey what's with you?" To which he responded, "I never heard that one before!"

I heard a similar joke, but different enough that I'll write it out:

Things weren’t going well for Bob, and he decided to stop by a local bar that he had never been to for some serious drinking. As he was working through his drink, he heard someone yell “number 12” and everybody else in the bar started laughing. Odd, he thought, but he quickly forgot about the incident, until somebody called out “number 25” and the bar broke out in laughter again. After this repeated several times, with various other numbers, Bob decided he had to know what was going on, and he waved the bartender over.

“Hey, what’s with the number calling?” Bob asked.

“Oh, well, this is a small bar, and everybody her has usually heard everybody else jokes to the point that we just assigned them a number. You call out the number, and everybody knows which joke you mean.” The bartender replied.

Bob made some more small talk, bought a few more drinks, then staggered his way home. A week later, Bob was feeling down, and decided to stop in again for a few drinks. As he was drinking, the number calling was going on just like the week before. Bob, feeling adventurous, decided to give it a try. So he stood up, raised his glass and called out “Number 25!”

The bar fell completely silent.

Awkwardly, he sat back down waved the bartender down.

“What gives, last week somebody called out ‘number 25’ and people were falling off their stools!” Bob asked.

The bartender replied, “Well some people can tell them, and some people can’t.”

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People say I have ADD, but they just don’t understand that... Oh look! A chicken!

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Floater
Xboxing Day


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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer ... the barman says, “hey you’re a duck!”

“Nothing wrong with your eyesight, observes the duck.

“Yeah, but I mean ... I’ve never seen a talking duck,” says the barman.

“Have you ever seen a duck drinking beer?”

“No!”

“You will as soon as you pour me one,” answers the duck.

The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, “So, what brings a duck like you to these parts?”

“Oh,” says the duck, “I work on the building site across the road.”

“We’ll be here for a couple of weeks, and I’ll likely be in every lunch hour,” the duck drinks his beer, wiggling his tail happily.

And, just as he said, each day, he waddles over from his job and has his lunchtime lager.
The next week, the circus comes to town. The circus owner wanders in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. “You should get this duck to join your circus,” he says. “Everyone would love to see a talking duck.”

The circus man nods in agreement, and the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.

The following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime, as usual.

The barman says to the duck, “You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you.”

“Really?” says the duck.

“Yeah, you could make a lot of money there. I can fix it for you easily.”

“Hang on,” said the duck. “You did say a circus, didn’t you?”

“That’s right.”

“That’s the one with the big canvas tents, isn’t it?”

“Of course,” replied the barman, “I can get you a job starting tomorrow. The circus owner’s crazy about the idea.”

The duck looked puzzled, “But why would he want to hire a plasterer?”

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Små hönor skall inte lägga stora ägg för då blir de slarviga i ändan

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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A tourist is being shown round a monastery and in a cell he notices a rope hanging down from the ceiling. 'What's that rope for?' he asks the abbot.

'Ah, my son. That I can't tell you. Not unless you become a monk.'

So the tourist decides to become a monk. For three years he trains and learns about the Bible. Everyday he looks at the rope. He is eventually accepted as a novice.

He goes to the abbot, 'Now will you tell me what the rope does?'

'Ah, my son. That I cannot tell you. Not until you become a full monk.'

So the man trains and studies and lives the life of a monk for seven years. Everyday he looks at the rope. At last he is accepted as a full monk.

He goes to the abbot. 'Now will you tell me what the rope does?'

'Ah my son. You can find that out for yourself. Pull the rope.'

The new monk goes to the rope.
He reaches out.
He grips the rope.
He tightens his grip.
He pulls gently.
He pulls slightly harder.

And ... and ... the light goes out.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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Cinnamon
The First USA Noel


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Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

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My blog - a continuing obsession with my weight plus much randomness
My opinions on books, music, and other stuff

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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So this guy who works in an aquarium gets summoned by his boss, who says to him: "I just walked by the dolphin tank and they're feeling very amorous. They're doing all sorts of things to each other. In two hours we've got three bus loads of second graders coming, and we can't have them watching those naughty dolphins behaving as if they were in a porno flick. Now the only thing that works as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins is the meat of baby seagulls, so I want you to take this bag, go to the seashort, fiil the bag with baby seagulls, and hurry on back. Oh, and be careful, a lion escaped from the zoo last night, and although he was heavily sedated, he still might be dangerous. Well, get going, and make it snappy."

So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest, fills the bag with baby seagulls, and coming back through the forest, takes a turn on the path and there, in front of him, is the lion. It's too late to run away, and the beast does look rather placid, so summoning up all his courage, he steps across the lion. Nothing happens. So with great relief, the guy continues on his way, when a policeman steps out of the forest, grabs the guy by the arm, and says "You're under arrest."

The guy can't believe it. He says "Tell me, Officer, what's the charge?"

And the policeman says "Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises."

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Ad astra per asparagus.

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TallGeekyGirl
O Read, O Read, The Manual


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Did you hear about the cowboy who got a pet dachshund?

Seems he heard someone sayd "git along, little doggie."

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See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact, an ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son? -- Stan Smith, American Dad

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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There's been some drummer jokes, some bassist jokes, a viola joke or two, but no accordion jokes. I shall remedy the situation.

What is a definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play the accordion but doesn't.

If you throw an accordion and a lawyer off a tall building, which one will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?
Nobody cries when they cut up an accordion.

What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

An accordion player was driving home from a concert. She stopped at a rest area to use the toilet. As she was washing her hands, she realized that her accordion was in plain sight in the back seat of her car. She immediately ran back to her car and her worst fear was fulfilled. Someone had smashed one of the rear windows and there were now two accordions in the back seat.

On a slightly different note (sorry, please don't beat me), here's Tommy Makem's comment about the bagpipes: "The Irish gave the pipes to the Scots, who still haven't got the joke."

Edited because I couldn't spell accordion.

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Ad astra per asparagus.

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Em
Happy Holly Days


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Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed lightbulb object should inherit the change from the generic lightbulb class.


ETA:

What's yellow and sits in the corner?

A naughty bulldozer.

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What the NFBSK does YOMANK mean?

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have yourself a Merry Little Galaxy
The First USA Noel


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From my corner of the IT world:

Q: how many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: hey, we only noticed the room was dark - we don't actually fix the problem.

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I love a sunburnt country, a land of sweeping plains - that's why I live in Melbourne, where it always bloody rains.

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Anyte
Jingle Bell Hock


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I used to have a whole collection of lightbulb jokes.

Q: How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, he grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.

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Too broke to pay attention

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SirKnight-Protector of Lady Visa
The First USA Noel


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Two Peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted. (say outloud)


What's Green and brown, has 4 legs, weighs 400 lbs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A Pool table.

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You have the Right to Remain Silent. Anything you say CAN and WILL be twisted around, taken out of Context and used against you.

All we need is love and beer. Old school metal and some holiday cheer to be happy.

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Rhea
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by SirKnight, Protector of the Raven:
Two Peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted. (say outloud)

OT: Funny that you say that (pun not intended). Just a few days ago, at dinner, my roommate's boyfriend attacked another kid with a salt shaker yelling: "Assault! Assault!"

I actually got it after 15 seconds, good for me.

(Since I don't know any jokes except anti-Swedish ones ( [Razz] ), this will remain an off-topic post. Carry on, please.)

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TallGeekyGirl
O Read, O Read, The Manual


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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer and a mop!"


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"


Two guys walk into a bar ... I don't know why the second guy did, he saw the first guy hit it.

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See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact, an ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son? -- Stan Smith, American Dad

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

Answer: Ten

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness,

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb,

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished",

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time,

8. One to viciously smear #7,

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along,

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb.

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Ad astra per asparagus.

Posts: 4806 | From: Groton, CT | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are totally unfounded, and the result of delusional "spin" assaults from the fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims its ego. Why do you hate freedom?

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Ad astra per asparagus.

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boogers
We Three Blings


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How do you drown Eddie Vedder?

Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.


I heard this one at a Sunday School, so I guess it qualifies as clean:

A couple has a little girl. They take her to visit another couple who are parents of a little boy. For a while the children sit patiently as the adults discuss their religious beliefs, but eventually they get bored. They go outside and wander about till they come to a creek with a good swimming hole.

It's a hot and humid day so they decide to cool off by going skinny dipping. They go into the bushes and take off their clothes. Then they emerge from the bushes.

The little girl looks at the little boy and yells, "I didn't know Catholics were THAT different from Protestants!"

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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So the Sunday School teacher asks the class "Where does God live?"

One little girl's hand shoots up and she says "God lives in our bathroom."

"Child," the teacher exclaimed, "how do you know God lives in your bathroom?"

"Because every morning my dad beats on the bathroom door and yells 'God, are you still in there?'."

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Ad astra per asparagus.

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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Inspired by Senior.

A little boy is in the kitchen with his mother.

Little Boy: Where is God?

Mother: He is everywhere.

Boy: Is he in England?

Mother: Yes.

Boy: Is he in this house?

Mother: (Dubiously) Y..es.

Boy: Is he in the kitchen?

Mother: (More dubious) Y....es.

Boy: Is he in this jam jar?

Mother: (Very dubiously) Y............es.

Boy: (Slapping hand on jam jar) Got him!

(This was told by David Watson, the great British evangelist,so it must be all right.)

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Andrew, Ware, England

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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Talking of elephants (which we weren't).

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits until autumn.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get it from a duck.

How can you tell if you have elephants hiding in the fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How does an elephant hide in your fridge?
He paints the soles of his feet yellow and lies upside down in a bowl of custard.

Have you ever seen an elephant in your fridge?
No? Show's how good their disguise is.

How do you get five elephants into a mini car?
Two in the front and three in the back?

What game do elephants play in a mini?
Squash.

Finally one for old British people (like me).
How do you stop a herd of stampeding elephants?
You make a trunk call and reverse the charges.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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Some (allegedly) true put downs by my hero, Winston Churchill.


Lady Astor (An idiotic Member of Parliament): Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee.

Churchill: And if you were my wife, I'd drink it.


Lady Astor: Mr. Churchill, you're drunk.

Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning.


Anthony Eden (a political opponant): Winston, can I borrow tuppence. I want to a ring a friend.

Churchill: Here's four pence. Ring both of them.

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Andrew, Ware, England

Posts: 1709 | From: Ware, England | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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