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Author Topic: The Clean Joke Challenge
GaiaP5
Cereal Killer


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Q: What do you get when Lassie and a cantaloupe mate?
A: Melancholy babies!

Ba-da-bump.

And this one might not work if not said aloud...

A chicken walks into a library. He walks up to the librarian and says, "Bok!" (book) The librarian shrugs, gives the chicken a book, and the chicken walks out.

The next day, the same chicken walks in, gives the book back to the librarian, and says, "Bok, bok!" The librarian shrugs, gives the chicken two books, which he sticks under each wing, and walks out.

The next day, the chicken is back with the two books. He says to the librarian, "Bok, bok, bok!" So the librarian gives him three books, which he sticks under each wing, plus one in his beak, and walks out.

At this point, the librarian can't stand it. He has to know what the chicken is doing with these books. So he follows the chicken out of the library, down the road, through the forest, to a pond.

Where a frog is sitting on a lilypad. The chicken drops the three books and says, "Bok, bok, bok!"

The frog looks at the books and says, "Read it, read it, read it."

[Smile]

--------------------
When other little girls were dreaming of being ballet dancers, I kind of wanted to be a vampire.

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NobbyNobbs
Deck the Malls


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My favorites have alays been...

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.


Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!

--------------------
Back in the days before electricity, we were forced to watch TV by candlelight.

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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This one has to be said aloud:

Q: What's yellow and travels backward?
A: [make a loud sniffing noise]

Q: What's blue and dingle-dangles from the ceiling?
A: A blue dingle-dangle.
Q: What's red and dingle-dangles from the ceiling?
A: A red dingle-dangle?
A: No. They don't make them in red.

Q: What's yellow and dangerous?
A: Shark-infested custard

*My apologies.

--------------------
"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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Oldie but goodie:

There was this joke club. Every week, they got together and told jokes. After some time, people got so used to the old jokes that they began to just give them numbers to save joke-telling time. Someone would yell out, "number 17" and people would laugh. Then someone would yell out, "number 82". More laughs. Then one day, someone yelled out "number 23" and people laughed but this one guy was laughing like crazy. He laughed so loud and for so long. Someone asked him, "hey what's with you?" To which he responded, "I never heard that one before!"

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Fowlplay
The First USA Noel


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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third moneky fall out of the tree?

He wanted to be like his friends.

--------------------
"Sometimes it will be fluffy bunnies and cotton candy. Sometimes it will be napalm and defoliants. Sometimes it is roasted bunnies." -Rhiandmoi

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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Q: What did the spider say when the centipede asked him for directions?
A: "Oh my goodness a talking worm!"


A man asks, "Excuse me do you know what time it is?"
The man he just asked then responds, "Yes."


Good Advice: "Never take a shower with money in your pocket."

And the roll here...

Q: What is the differnce between an elephant and a grape?
A: A grape is purple.
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Ooh look at those grapes!" (She was colorblind.)


Q: What did Tarzan, who is not colorblind say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: What did the non-colorblind frog say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill without sunglasses?
A: "Ribbit."

Q: What did the non-ribbit saying, non-colorblind elephants say when they saw the frogs coming over the hill without sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, elephants can't talk.


Q: What did the English speaking elephants say when the frogs came over the hill?
A: Nothing, after putting their sunglasses on, the elephants couldn't make out what they were.

Q: What did Jane who wasn't wearing sunglasses say when she saw the frogs coming over the hill?
A: Nothing she was too busy trying to eat the elephants she had mistaken for grapes earlier and had her work cut out for her.

Q: What did the grapes say when Tarzan, who was not confusing them for elephants, bit them?
A: They just let out a little wine.

Q: What did the frogs say when Tarzan bit them?
A: "Ribbit." (Again, just like before but with a little more painful tone to their voices.)

Q: What did the frogs say to Bugs Bunny?
A: "Rabbit."

Q: What did the bad frogs say at the bank?
A: "Robbit."

Q: What did the frog say to his wife when he had a sore back?
A: "Rubbit."

Q: What did the frog say to his son when they were out fishing?
A: "Reelit in." (Okay that's a stretch...)

Q: What did the other frog say to his son when they were out flyfishing?
A: "Ribbit." But if he could have spoken English he would have said, "You know son, I just realized something, why don't we stop wasting our time trying catch fish that we never eat anyway and just eat these FLIES on our lines and go home happy?"

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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Q: What did the chicken say after he crossed the road?
A: "Why did I do that?"

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Ardeco
The World According to Carp


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quote:
Originally posted by eif:
The Dali Lama walks up to the hot dog vendor and
says, "Make me one with everything."

"That'll be three dollars," says the hot dog vendor. The Dalai Lama hands him a five dollar bill. The hot dog vendor just looks at him. The Dalai Lama says, "hey, where's my change?" and the hot dog vendor says:

"Change must come from within."

quote:
Originally posted by Ean:
Ah, muso jokes...

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The keyboard player can do that with his left hand.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in his car? It took him an hour and a half to get the drummer out!

Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know if a guitar player is at your door?
A: The Domino's Pizza hat.
_________________________________________________

...and then there are always these:

- A dyslexic transvestite walks into a bra...
- A Freudian slip is an article of lingerie accidentally mailed to one's mother.
- A polar bear is actually a rectangular bear who has undergone a coordinate transform.
- A guy with a club foot walks into a bar... never mind, that one's lame.

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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Q: What did the frogs say when the human being asked them, "What did you do yesterday?"
A: Nothing, "ribbit" can't be said in the past tense.

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by Ardeco:
quote:
Originally posted by eif:
The Dali Lama walks up to the hot dog vendor and
says, "Make me one with everything."

"That'll be three dollars," says the hot dog vendor. The Dalai Lama hands him a five dollar bill. The hot dog vendor just looks at him. The Dalai Lama says, "hey, where's my change?" and the hot dog vendor says:

"Change must come from within."

quote:
Originally posted by Ean:
Ah, muso jokes...

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The keyboard player can do that with his left hand.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in his car? It took him an hour and a half to get the drummer out!

Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know if a guitar player is at your door?
A: The Domino's Pizza hat.
_________________________________________________


I love those music jokes...

Q: What do you call a man who in 3 years will be filling out a job application for UPS driver, where he has no experience?

A: An aspring musician who absolutely knows he is gonna make it big.

Q: What do you call music that is played while the bar is emptying?

A: "Originals"

Q: What is another name for the place you go to hear bad originals?

A: "Coffeeshop"

Q: What message do love-starved single men without much of a future write in the newspaper to possibly find a love connection?

A: "Original band seeks female singer."

Q: How do band members who don't practice and are getting bored, and not ever finding gigs say what is happening as thier band slowly fizzles out?

A: "We just don't feel our styles match."

Q: What is the "for sure the absolute last place" every original band will ever play before they get that contract with a major recording company and make it big?

A: "Open mike night."

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Franny
Jingle Bell Hock


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OOo I love frog jokes.

So this frog goes into the bank and asks about a second mortgage on his house. The teller sends him to the assistant bank manager Patrick McCartney. Mr. McCartney asks the frog what he can put up as collateral. The frog reaches in his bag and pulls out a three inch tall statue of a frog holding an umbrella. Mr. McCartney tells the frog he has to run it by his manager.

Mr. McCartney goes to the manager's office and says, "I don't know what to do with this frog, look what he gave me for collateral."

The bank manager looked at the statue and said,
"It's a knick knack Patty Mac. Give the frog a loan."

--------------------
I've been waiting here for like 20 minutes.

"It's you, but distilled into one place." - JK. http://www.theheldhand.blogspot.com/

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Joe Joe Joey Junior Shabadoo
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by Fowlplay:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third moneky fall out of the tree?

He wanted to be like his friends.

why did the giraffe fall out of the tree?
he thought he was a monkey

why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
he thought he was a giraffe

--------------------
I'm so broke; I can't even pay attention

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Amigone201
Happy Holly Days


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Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: THERE IS NO LIGHT BULB!!

--------------------
Check out my blog! http://fundiewatch.blogspot.com

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pit-bull?

A dog that rips off your arm, but then runs for help.

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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Xia
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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I can't believe no one posted--

Q: What's purple and wants to rule the world?
A: Alexander the Grape!

*****************

A boy came to school one day, and during his spelling lesson, the teacher asked him to go home that night and find the class some spelling words. So that evening, he goes home and talks to his sister, who is listening to music. "Gimme a spelling word," he says. "Ooh ooh baby! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" his sister sings, so he writes it down and continues. Next he goes to his mother, who is on the phone. "Shut up," she says, so he writes it down and continues down the hallway, and goes up to his younger brother who is watching TV. "Gimme a spelling word." "Superman!" so he writes it down. He goes into the kitchen where his father is baking. "Dad, I need a spelling word." His father opens the oven and yells, "MY BUNS ARE BURNING, MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"
The next day he goes to school, and his teacher asks, "Do you have the spelling words I asked you for?"
The boy says: "Ooh ooh baby! Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"What did you say to me?"
"Shut up!"
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"
"Superman!"
"What's WRONG with you!?" screams the teacher.
"MY BUNS ARE BURNING, MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

*****************************

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

************

I guess this isn't so good since it's not nice to lawyers, but oh well! [Big Grin]

Q: Why didn't the shark eat the lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy.

--------------------
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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NobbyNobbs
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by MapleLeaf:
Q: What's blue and dingle-dangles from the ceiling?
A: A blue dingle-dangle.
Q: What's red and dingle-dangles from the ceiling?
A: A red dingle-dangle?
A: No. They don't make them in red.


Reminds me of...

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: Hold his nose until he turns blue, then use the blue elephant gun.

--------------------
Back in the days before electricity, we were forced to watch TV by candlelight.

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Esprise Me
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "you know, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Irving?"

--------------------
"If God wrote it, the grammar must be infallible. Perhaps it is we who are mistaken." -MapleLeaf

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IlGreven, Swan a-Swimmin'
Grandma Got Run Over by a Rain Check


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How do you get rid of 150 lbs. of unwanted fat?
Divorce her.

Ba dum bum.

And my favorite new one:

The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff was giving President Bush his daily briefing. He began by saying, "Today in Iraq, three Brazilian soldiers were killed..." The President interrupted, yelling "Oh my God!" and putting his hands to his face in despair. The chairman had never seen the President so distraught, so he watched in stunned silence. After a few moments, the President looked at the chairman and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Boom-chika.

--------------------
A gigantic force on the 'Net, and even BIGGER in person.

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glisp42
I'm Dreaming Of A White iPod


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What do you do with a drummer who can't keep the beat?
Take one of his sticks away and stick him in front of the orchestra.

How many second violins does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they can't get up that high.

What do you call a bunch of skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

--------------------
What does "Bookachow", "YOMANK" and other lingo mean?

And we'll collect the moments one by one I guess that's how the future's done. -Feist

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by glisp42:
What do you do with a drummer who can't keep the beat?
Take one of his sticks away and stick him in front of the orchestra.

How many second violins does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they can't get up that high.

oooh, musician jokes!


How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes 5 to say, "Hmmmph. I could have done that!"

How do you get a trumpet player to play "fff"?
Write "ppp" on the music.

Why are trombone jokes so short?
So trumpet players can understand them.

Did you hear about the three trumpet players that collaborated on a book of scales?
Each contributed the one they knew.

Did you hear about the little boy that told his mother, "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up?" She told him, "You can't do both."

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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Blue Fuzzy Thing
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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A guy walks into a tavern and there’s a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy just stares at the horse, so the horse says, “Hey buddy, what’s the problem? You never seen a horse serving drinks before?”

The guy replies, “No, it’s not that... it’s just that I never thought the parrot would sell this place.”

--------------------
People say I have ADD, but they just don’t understand that... Oh look! A chicken!

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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More music jokes:

How do you tell when a viola is playing out of tune?
A: The bow is moving

Why is everyone scared when a man walks into a bank carrying a violin case?
A: They are afraid he has a machine gun in it.
Why is everyone scared when a man walks into a bank carrying a viola case?
A: They are afraid he has a viola in it.

What is a string quartet?
A: The Cuban Philharmonic Orchestra after a tour of the US.

Why was the oboe given two reeds?
A: To double the odds that it would be played correctly.

--------------------
IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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animal73
Deck the Malls


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Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

--------------------
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.

Canton Maddogs Rugby

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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How many oboe players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to go through 15 bulbs before he finds one he likes.

_________________

A drummer had some friends who suggested that he learn to play some "real" musical instruments like a a trumpet or an accordian. So he goes into a music store to look around. After a while he says: "I'll take that red horn on the wall over there, and that grey accordian against the wall behind you."

The store clerk looks inquiringly at the manager, who says quietly: "Sell him the fire extinguisher; but the radiator's got to stay".

____________________

A violin player goes into a library and says "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian smiles and replies quietly "This is a library."

The violin player says "Oh sorry!" then bends down and whispers: "I'm here to see the doctor."

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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Ramblin' Dave, quietly making noise
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and Barney?


One is a dinosaur with simplistic answers to everything. And the other is purple.


ETA my favorite musician joke:
Two pianists are relaxing backstage at an Easter concert. In light of the occasion, one of the pianists asks the other if he can play the Hallelujiah Chorus.
The other says, "Oh, I think I can Handel it."

--------------------
Another lifetime I'd have fallen in love with you
Swept away by my feelings, ashamed and confused
But just now it's enough to be walking with you
Let the mystery play as it will! -Lui Collins

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Four Kitties
Layaway in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by glisp42:
What do you do with a drummer who can't keep the beat?
Take one of his sticks away and stick him in front of the orchestra.

I told this one to my chorus conductor, who thought it was funny. Then the accompanist chimed in with, "Yes, but what if she's still no good? You take away the other stick and put her in the choir!"

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to do it, and four to complain that "it's too high!" (Apologies to whomever I stole that one from, it's from the last musician-joke thread.)

Four Kitties

--------------------
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by robbiev427:
What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pit-bull?

A dog that rips off your arm, but then runs for help.

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

A: An animal that not only gives you wool, but also the needles to knit it with.

Q: What do you call a cross between a firefly and a hornet?

A: Something where this happens to little kids in the early evenings with jars that have poked holes in the lids: "Ooh there's one, catch him...OOOOOUUUCCH!!"

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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Heard on Radio Two this morning (Sarah Kennedy):

A blonde lady is driving behind a lorry. They stop at some traffic lights. She hops out of her car and goes to the driver of the lorry.

Hello, my name is Sharon and you are dropping your load.

The huge gruff driver says nothing and they both drive off. At the next set of traffic lights the blonde lady again stops behind the lorry.
The lady hopes out of her car and goes to the driver.

Hello, my name is Sharon and you are dropping your load.

They drive on and at a third set of lights they again have to stop. The huge gruff driver gets out of his lorry and goes to the lady.

Listen. My name's Ron and this is a gritting lorry.

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Andrew, Ware, England

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Twenty One........
Ten to one by one "tehh yuzz za secret to gettin' ih-right de fuhst time", Ten to altogether remind you "how much fasteh Noo Yawkers changes za lightbulbs den anyone ehss in de wohld"...and one Jersey commuter to quietly actually do it.

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten.....
One to do it and nine to relate to the experience.

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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Q: How many Washington politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1536.....
435 members of congress to pass a congressional resolution saying that a lightbulb should be changed. 100 members of the senate to pass a similar resolution. 500 lobbyists to get pay-backs as a result of the future lightbulb changing. 400 people hired to do various government studies that ensure that the lightbulb changing will not detrimentially hurt the American people. 9 members of the supreme court to make sure the changing of the lightbulb is constitutional. 90 corporate big wigs who somehow make record profits off it all. One president to sign it into law....and his intern!

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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Q: How many West Virginians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It won't be changed, none of them have ever seen one before.

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Blue Fuzzy Thing
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by Major D. Saster:
What is dark brown, with four legs and one arm ?

- a pit-bull in a kindergarten.

I actually heard this one a bit differently:
What has four legs and only one arm?
A happy pit-bull

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People say I have ADD, but they just don’t understand that... Oh look! A chicken!

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Remarkgullabull
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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What, no blonde jokes??? I guess someone has to start....


Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

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Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Warning: dumb musician joke ahead

A guy is walking down the street and sees a sign on a bar that reads, "All drinks, 10 cents, all day, 7 days a week." He curiousity kicks in, so he goes in to see what it is about.

He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender if the sign is true to which the bartender says yes, so the guy asks how he can sell drinks so cheap.

The bartender tells him, "Several years ago, I hit the lottery for $200 million. My dream has always been to own a bar, so here I am. I sell the drinks at my cost, because I'm not trying to make money, I just wanted to own a bar."

The guys orders a drink, and while he is drinking, he notices three guys at the end of the bar, just sitting there. He asks, "What are those guys doing?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, they're trumpet players. They're waiting for happy hour."

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Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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