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Author Topic: The Clean Joke Challenge
Franny
Jingle Bell Hock


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Everyone should know at least one 'clean joke'.

Here's mine: What has eight arms and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A drowned barbershop quartet.

Bust out your clean jokes. Eternal glory will go to the best one. Let's see how many keyboards you can destroy!

Rules: must be suitable for british school kids, no sexual double entendre, no sexism, racism, or any kind of hate-ism, no bad words.

--------------------
I've been waiting here for like 20 minutes.

"It's you, but distilled into one place." - JK. http://www.theheldhand.blogspot.com/

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TwoGuyswithaHat
Happy Holly Days


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I only know dirty jokes so here goes...

Sally fell in the mud.

Wait, maybe I can clean that up...

Sally took a shower.

wokka wokka wokka

--------------------
In politics, absurdity is not a handicap - Napoleon Bonaparte

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Phil'sGirl
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Andy came to work one day limping something awful. One of his co-workers noticed and asked what happened.

"Oh, nothing, it's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while", Andy said.

"I didn't know you played hockey".

"I don't", replied Andy, "I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the Stanley Cup playoffs and put my foot through the television".

--------------------
"Nobody ever looks like McCarthy, sir. That's how they get in the door in the first place" Toby on The West Wing

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boogers
We Three Blings


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What famous singer sounds like a foghorn?

Looooou Raaaaaawls


What has 10 legs but can't play the bass?

Squid Vicious.


A wealthy woman named Julie becomes ill and goes into the hospital. She has a heart attack and as the doctors try to revive her she has a near death experience and meets God.

"It's not your time,Julie," God says. "Go back. You are supposed to live another 30 to 40 years."

She recovers and while in the hospital decides to have cheek implants, collagen shots, breast enhancment, and liposuction. She even gets her hair dyed. She figures with another 40 years to go she might as well make the most of it.

But when she leaves the hospital she is run over by a speeding ambulance.

She goes up to Heaven and asks God why he let her die after he promised her 30-40 more years.

"Julie, is that you?" God asks. "Sorry, I didn't recognize you!"

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Towknie
We Three Blings


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A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms."

"Why not?" asks the mushroom, "I'm a fun guy!"

A French mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms."

"Why not?" asks the mushroom, "I'm a fun gi!"

--------------------
Towknie: Ryda-certified as wonderful, enlighted, and rational.

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gamixa
I Saw Three Shipments


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"Why does the seagull fly over the sea?"

"'Cos if he flew over the bay, he'd be a bagel."

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “No, you idiot. It means someone has stolen our tent.”

___________________________

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called—you left your wheelchair there again.”

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by robbiev427:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “No, you idiot. It means someone has stolen our tent.”

___________________________

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called—you left your wheelchair there again.”



--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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BatBLover
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke!

Q: A dime and a nickel are sitting on a wall. The nickel falls off; why doesn't the dime?
A: It had more "cents"

--------------------
My rants and ravings

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Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Since the Danes seems to be a fair target, I'll do a clean joke about them:

The Danish cheese shop owner Preben stands outside his shop when a man approaches him.

"Preben, old friend, is that you?"

"No, no. It's just the cheese."

--------------------
/Troberg

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Don Enrico
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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So far, this "clean joke" topic has collected:

1 anti-barber joke
2 anti-disabled jokes
1 anti-cosmetic-surgery joke (including God making mistakes - that will count as anti-religious)
1 anti-french joke
1 combined anti-danish-anti-chesse-shop-owner joke

You call that clean? [Wink] [Wink] [Wink]

--------------------
My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling, but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places. - Pooh Bear

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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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Yeah, and you can add that one :

What is dark brown, with four legs and one arm ?

- a pit-bull in a kindergarten.

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

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dlew919
I Saw Three Shipments


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An old man lay dying in his bed. "Darling, when we lost the farm in the 20s, you were there. When the Depression hit, and I couldn't get work, you were there with me." At this point, he swallows, and chokes back a tear. "Then the war started, and I got drafted, and you were there with me. I went overseas, lost a leg, and came home. You were there waiting for me." He draws the last remaining bits of strength, and tries to complete.

"You helped me through the long, long therapy, and then the long unemployment. Then I was too old to work, and they knocked the pension back. You were there with me. YOu were still with me when the cancer hit me, and now it's ravaged my body, and you are still here."

Shifting in the bed for the last time, he looks up to his wife of 60 years. "Darling", he croaks. "You're ***** bad luck!"

Also

Whatsthesecretofagoodjoketiming.

--------------------
I am, therefore I think

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YeeMum
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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My 6yo says

What did the zero say to the eight?


Nice belt!

--------------------
Contact me for discounts
Charter member WNDMDC
"I am putting you on hold now.Listen to the elevator music and LIKE it."~My 'J'

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bajacalla
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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what's black, lives in a tree, and is the most dangerous animal in the forest?

a crow with a machine gun.


oh, did it have to be funny as well as clean?

--------------------
"pardon me, I swallowed down the wrong throat."

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dlew919
I Saw Three Shipments


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A man celebrates his 80th wedding anniversary. his mates remark that his wife never abuses him, never nags and never questions where he's been. On this auspicious occassion he agrees to share the secret

"On our honeymoon, we were in a horse and cart. We'd travelled about 50 mile, I guess, when the horse stumbled. I said, "that's once." About 30 mile later, the horse stumbled again. "That's twice", and on the third occassion, I said, "that's three times", pulled up the horse, went to the back of the cart, pulled out my rifle, and shot the horse.

"My wife went insane with rage. She compared me to animal waste matter, questioned the veracity of my paternal ancestry, suggested that my maternal influences were canine in nature, and generally cursed my name to the highest heavens and the lowest hells.

When she had exhausted herself, I looked at her and said, "That's once."


And finally (because once I start, they start flooding back)

A man suspects his wife is having an affair (this is possibly just beyond the pale, but it's ok - keep reading...)

So, he arranges time off work, pretends to go to work, sneaks back home, races up stairs and finds his wife dishevelled in bed. Angrily, he races to the window, where he sees a strange man running away from the house. In a fit of rage, he bounds downstairs, rips the refrigerator from the wall, runs back up stairs and throws the refrigerator at the suspect, hitting him fairly in the back of the head.

The strain is too much for him, and he has a heart attack and dies.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter is allowing the flock in. "Next! How did you die?" Our hero states ïn a fit of jealous rage, I threw a refrigerator at a man I suspected was having an affair with my wife. The exertion was too much, and my heart gave out"

"Ok", says St Peter, "In you go. Next!"

"Well, I was running late for my bus, when this refrigerator came out of nowhere and hit me on the back of the head!"

"Ok", says St Peter. "In you go. NExt"

"There I was, cold and naked in this refrigerator..."


(I've told all of mine at weddings with granmas, and they've all been appreciated...)

--------------------
I am, therefore I think

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Shadowduck
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Two wizards are walking down the street. One of them turns into a shop.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the oven 'til his (he's) Bill Withers.

No light bulb jokes yet? I'm amazed.

--------------------
But of course, I could be wrong.

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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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Three friends rented a boat and went fishing on a small pond. Suddenly, one of them stood up to haul a fish out, lost his balance, fell into the water and went straight to the bottom. His pals started to panic :

"Sam, Sam ! Oh my God, he can't swim !"

and they frantically started to search the muddy water... After a minute or two, one of them shouted :

"I've got him !" and pulled the poor guy, covered with mud, back on board... then : "Oh no ! He drowned already ! I have to breathe him mouth-to-mouth !"

After a short while, the would-be life-saver turned away and said :

"EEwwww, I never noticed Sam had such a terrible breath... Ewww - sorry, I can't stand it anymore", and he puked his breakfast overboard. Whereupon his friend said :

"Hey but look, that's not Sam ! - this guy has ice-skates on !"

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

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Jusenkyo no Pikachu
We Three Blings


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How many people of a certain culture does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. One to actually change the bulb and the rest to perpetuate a negative stereotype of the culture.

--------------------
"Never underestimate a nerd from outer space."
--Von, that alien from that Kids Incorporated episode.

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dlew919
I Saw Three Shipments


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A guy on a motorbike picks up a hitch-hiker. Anyway, they're travelling along pretty well, when the hitch-hiker taps the rider on the shoulder, and yells: "I'm really cold - is there anything I can do?"

The rider had years of experience, and said, 'Sure. What you do is put your leather jacket on backwards - the gaps in the zips and stuff let through the cold air, but putting it on backwards creates the perfect insulation." So they stop the bike, and the jacket is reversed.

So anyway, about 15 kilometers down the road, the rider goes to ask how the passenger now feels. He's not there! So, he turns around, and just a little way down the road, a crowd has gathered. Calculating that this must be where the poor benighted fellow fell off, he burst threw the crowd to find out what the situation is.

"how is he" the rider asks the man administering the first aid.

"well, he seemed fine, till we turned his head the right way round!"..


Oh dear, really...

--------------------
I am, therefore I think

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smallmac
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Always good for primary school kids:

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9

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dlew919
I Saw Three Shipments


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How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. One to do it, and the others to say "Huh, I could've done that better!"

How many drummers?

10 - one to do it, and the others to discuss how Neil Peart would have done it...


HOw many feminists?

One. And its not funny.

How many Male Chauvinist Pigs?

NOne - they're always in the dark.

How many surrealists?

The fish.

and finally,


How many bigots does it take to change a lightbulb? None - bigots never change!

--------------------
I am, therefore I think

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pirateslife
Deck the Malls


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What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And
a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And
Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

and finally...

Why did the guru refuse Novacain when he had his root canal?
Because he wanted to trancend dental medication. (if you don't get it, read it aloud)

--------------------
If the world were logical, men would ride sidesaddle. -Mama

I won't ask "Am I weird?" because that ship sailed long ago. -Kahuna Burger

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eif
Jingle Bell Hock


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So this string walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, we don’t serve strings here.’ The string goes back outside, ruffs himself up in the street, curls up, and walks back into the bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, ‘Hey, buddy, are you a string?’ The string says, ‘No, I’m a frayed knot.’

--------------------
Where I come from we believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it History.

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eif
Jingle Bell Hock


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The Dali Lama walks up to the hot dog vendor and
says, "Make me one with everything."

--------------------
Where I come from we believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it History.

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NocturnalGoddess- naughty or nice?
Carol of the Dells


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I've always been fond of:

How many frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. One to hold the light, and 9 to drink 'til the room spins.

And being blonde, I've often heard:

How many blonds does it take to change a lightbulb?

2. One to hold the light, and one to spin her around.

--------------------
"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, EVIL stuff... and I want in."- Homer Simpson

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Ean
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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How do you kill a circus?
Go for the Juggler.


The circus' human cannonball just quit
They're looking for someone of a similar calibre.


How do you make a bear cross?
You nail two bears together.


Rene Descartes walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for cod and chips.
The owner says "Do you want salt and vinager?"
Rene says "I think not.", and vanishes.


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all
of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


"Ees, a Ham Bush"


Apologies for all of the above.

--------------------
"Any more of this nonsense and we'll have a short, sharp visit from the Smack Fairy!"

"Music will get you through times of no love better than love will get you through times of no music"
- GiNGER - Something To Believe In

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Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
No light bulb jokes yet? I'm amazed.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The light bulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.

Q: How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real men are not afraid of the dark.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just make darkness the new industry standard.

Q: How many database programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to remove the old, one to put in the new and one to make sure no one else is trying to do it at the same time.

--------------------
/Troberg

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Ean
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were out, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise...

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...

Startled by this, he turned. To his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly...

It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...

BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP...

The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind.

Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside, slamming the front door behind him, shot into his front room and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again. As fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door...

BUMP... SCREECH... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH... HOP...

BUMP... SCREECH... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH... HOP...

BUMP... SCREECH... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH... HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges...

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the terrified lad.

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin...

Still it came...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it...

Still it came...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...

Still it came...

BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it...


The coffin stopped.

--------------------
"Any more of this nonsense and we'll have a short, sharp visit from the Smack Fairy!"

"Music will get you through times of no love better than love will get you through times of no music"
- GiNGER - Something To Believe In

Posts: 178 | From: Shropshire, England | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
NocturnalGoddess- naughty or nice?
Carol of the Dells


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Hmm, some more:

Q: A child, an honest politician, and Santa Claus all spot a $20 bill on the ground. Who picks it up?
A: The child. The other two don't exist.

You're sitting in your riverfront office one day, when you see a lawyer and an IRS agent drowning. You can only save one of them. Do you a) read the paper, or b) go to lunch?

Q: How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?
A: Paint its toenails red.
Q: How can you know this works?
A: Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks."- Emo Philips

Ms. Smith stopped to reprove Johnny for making faces: "Johnny, when I was small, my mother used to tell me that if I made ugly faces, at some moment it would freeze and stay like that". Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't forewarned."

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender is a bit surprised as the duck hops onto the bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't." Dejected, the duck hops off the bar and waddles out. The next night, the very same duck walks into the bar. He hops onto the bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender shouts, "Look, Duck, I told you last night that we don't have any grapes! Now get out of here, and if you come back tomorrow night and ask for grapes, I'll nail your beak to the bar with a hammer!" Terrified, the duck scampers out of the bar. The next night, the bartender warily eyes the door as the duck walks into the bar. The duck carefully climbs onto the bar and asks, "Do you have a hammer?" The bartender shouts, "No! Of course I don't have a hammer!" So the duck asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of a joke?"

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if the lightbulb really wants to change.

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin turns to another muffin and says "It sure is hot in here". The other muffins screams "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Nocturnal "I didn't claim all of them were funny" Goddess

--------------------
"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, EVIL stuff... and I want in."- Homer Simpson

Posts: 2161 | From: Delaware | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Ean
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by dlew919:
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. One to do it, and the others to say "Huh, I could've done that better!"

How many drummers?

10 - one to do it, and the others to discuss how Neil Peart would have done it...

Ah, muso jokes...

How do you know when there's a singer at the door?
He can't find his key and doesn't know when to come in.

How do you know when the drum riser's level?
The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?
The knocking slows down at the end.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they have machines to do that now!

What do you throw a drowning bassist?
His Amp.

Johnny says to his mum: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."
Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

How many sound technicians does it take to change a light bulb ?
One, two, one, two,

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?
Evidently all of them.

[Big Grin]

Posts: 178 | From: Shropshire, England | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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Why do politicians build more jails than schools?

They're very unlikely to go back to school.

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

Posts: 689 | From: Confoederatio Helvetica | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Ean
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?"
"Bass solo."

General Custer and his aide were in the fort.
The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over the hill a voice yelled, "He's not our regular drummer."

--------------------
"Any more of this nonsense and we'll have a short, sharp visit from the Smack Fairy!"

"Music will get you through times of no love better than love will get you through times of no music"
- GiNGER - Something To Believe In

Posts: 178 | From: Shropshire, England | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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I'm sure mgbdriver will like these, as well as any UK members or British car fans.

What are the three positions of a Lucas switch?
A1: Dim, flicker, and off
A2: Smoke, smolder, and burn

Why do British drink their beer warm?
A: Because Lucas makes refriderators too.

Lucas invented the intermittent wiper, but he didn't mean to...

Lucas also invented the self-dimming headlight.

Lucas did not invent darkness. But he did perfect sudden, unexplained darkness.

Why wasn't the Lucas plant bombed during WWII?
A: The Germans considered Lucas an ally.

Lucas holds the patent on the short circuit.

Lucas means Loose Unsoldered Connections And Splices.

Why don't the British make a computer?
A: They can't figure out how to make it leak oil.

--------------------
IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

Posts: 3694 | From: Arizona | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Four Kitties
Layaway in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by dlew919:
A guy on a motorbike picks up a hitch-hiker. Anyway, they're travelling along pretty well, when the hitch-hiker taps the rider on the shoulder, and yells: "I'm really cold - is there anything I can do?"

The rider had years of experience, and said, 'Sure. What you do is put your leather jacket on backwards - the gaps in the zips and stuff let through the cold air, but putting it on backwards creates the perfect insulation." So they stop the bike, and the jacket is reversed.

So anyway, about 15 kilometers down the road, the rider goes to ask how the passenger now feels. He's not there! So, he turns around, and just a little way down the road, a crowd has gathered. Calculating that this must be where the poor benighted fellow fell off, he burst threw the crowd to find out what the situation is.

"how is he" the rider asks the man administering the first aid.

"well, he seemed fine, till we turned his head the right way round!"....

cycle-a-chow

--------------------
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Posts: 13275 | From: Kindergarten World, Massachusetts | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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