snopes.com Post new topic  New Poll  Post a reply
search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hello snopes.com » Non-UL Chat » Fun House » Aphorisms that don't exist but should (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3   
Author Topic: Aphorisms that don't exist but should
Johnny Slick
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Johnny Slick   E-mail Johnny Slick   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Okay folks, snopes has become a giant pack of Bazooka Joe bubble gum and you are the slaves tied to your desks and beaten until you come up with witty aphorisms (a la "beauty is only skin deep"). They can either be 100% new or extensions of old ones. And be sure to make them profound! In this thread, as in the city of Austin, Texas, profundity is not merely a nice added bonus, it is life itself. I'll start with a couple examples:

Sometimes, when presented with the options of margarine and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and whatever "Country Crock" is, it's best just to buy the sticks of butter in the container where you can make the Indian girl on the cover look like she has big saggy boobies.

Never fry an egg in the nude.

A stich in time may save nine, but we live in the 21st century. If your clothes rip, just buy new clothes.

Inspiration is 1% perspiration and 99% marijuana, particularly if the inspiration in question is to crash at your parents' house and eat Cheetos all day.

The best way to get things you desire is to pretend you have no interest in them and then swipe them when nobody else is looking.

If you own a dog and you fart, blame it on the dog. That is what "man's best friend" is for.

--------------------
Give big space to the festive dog that makes sport in roadway. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

Posts: 4267 | From: Seattle | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
NocturnalGoddess- naughty or nice?
Carol of the Dells


Icon 1 posted      Profile for NocturnalGoddess- naughty or nice?     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
If you're in an argument with someone because they're speaking too quietly, and they're getting annoyed at having to repeat themselves, and they just said to you "Well maybe if you PAID ATTENTION" and you plan to reply "Well maybe if you didn't mumble!", make sure are actually *are* paying attention so you don't retort "WELL MAYBE IF YOU WERE ON-SALE!"

I've learned that from experiance

--------------------
"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, EVIL stuff... and I want in."- Homer Simpson

Posts: 2161 | From: Delaware | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Troberg     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Even a blind hen can cackle.

--------------------
/Troberg

Posts: 4360 | From: Borlänge, Sweden | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
NocturnalGoddess- naughty or nice?
Carol of the Dells


Icon 1 posted      Profile for NocturnalGoddess- naughty or nice?     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
E-mail tracking programs don't exist, and deals from Nigerians, you must resist

--------------------
"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, EVIL stuff... and I want in."- Homer Simpson

Posts: 2161 | From: Delaware | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
dookie_booty
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


Icon 1 posted      Profile for dookie_booty   E-mail dookie_booty   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Don't put your eggs into one basket.

The grass isn't greener on the other side.

--------------------
Don't blame me, my evil monkey did it.
-----------------
Just remember, When everything seems difficult, I'll be shining from a far, When it feels like things have gone away, I'll see you again.

Posts: 130 | From: Orange County, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Johnny Slick
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Johnny Slick   E-mail Johnny Slick   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by dookie_booty:
Don't put your eggs into one basket.

The grass isn't greener on the other side.

I think you may have misread the topic. Those are aphorisms that actually do exist. Okay, the original is "don't put ALL your eggs into one basket", but you get the idea. Now, had you said, "don't put all your gerbils into one terrarium", that would be acceptable. "The grass is greener over the septic tank" is something that Erma Bombeck came up with so that one would *not* be fine; however, "bears look cute from a distance but if you're right next to one it will probably eat you" would work.

A couple more:

Beware the lesson of the liger. Just because you and your SO are short does not mean your children will be.

A man cannot live on bread alone unless said bread has a lot of vitamins in it.

No man is an island but some can be peninsulae.

--------------------
Give big space to the festive dog that makes sport in roadway. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

Posts: 4267 | From: Seattle | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Minstrel gone caroling
Let There Be PCs on Earth


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Minstrel gone caroling   Author's Homepage   E-mail Minstrel gone caroling   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Don't cry over spilled milk (or other beverage). Just tell someone they owe you a new keyboard.

--------------------
Last year's goat was burned down by vandals dressed up as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man. They were never caught.
My blog. The Adventures of the Fish O'Thwacking.
Countdown: 177 days (or less!)

Posts: 4926 | From: NW Ohio | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


Icon 1 posted      Profile for robbiev - singin' off key   Author's Homepage   E-mail robbiev - singin' off key   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
They say rattlesnakes are more scared of humans than humans are of rattlesnakes, but I've never seen a rattlesnake standing in a puddle of pee.

Don't put your card before the Norse. They don't play poker.

A penny saved is a penny earned, but what the hell are you going to do with one cent?

Robbiev -sorry, I know they're dumb- 427

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

Posts: 1820 | From: Memphis, TN | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
LikeHeyScoob
The First USA Noel


Icon 1 posted      Profile for LikeHeyScoob   E-mail LikeHeyScoob   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Love is never having to say: "Sorry, wrong hole."

--------------------
Support you local community newspaper! CNN.com probably won't be covering your child's spelling bee.

Posts: 609 | From: Rhode Island | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
DawnStorm
Let There Be PCs on Earth


Icon 607 posted      Profile for DawnStorm   E-mail DawnStorm   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Brother Dave Gardner once said: Man cannot live by bread alone. He must have peanut butter!

--------------------
Leashes?! We don't need no stinking leashes!!

Posts: 4771 | From: The Berkeley of the East Coast: Montgomery County MD | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
I saw Mommy kismet Santa Claus
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


Icon 1 posted      Profile for I saw Mommy kismet Santa Claus   E-mail I saw Mommy kismet Santa Claus   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Dogs aren't more noble or honest than people, they just don't know how to talk.
Posts: 2115 | From: Texas | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Mad Jay
Let There Be PCs on Earth


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mad Jay     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Don't put all your baskets on one egg. It will break

Don't run naked in front of the cat

--------------------
Nico Sasha
In between my father's fields;And the citadels of the rule; Lies a no-man's land which I must cross; To find my stolen jewel.

Posts: 4912 | From: VA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Dog Friendly
Carol of the Bills


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Dog Friendly   Author's Homepage   E-mail Dog Friendly   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Beware of true believers with false perceptions.

If someone you've never heard of "swears this is true", it probably isn't. If they quote, without identifying, a friend of theirs who is "an attorney", it's absolutely not true.

Read The "Friendly" Manual!

--------------------
"Nobody ever got stoned and beat up his old lady" -- Spence, snapdragonfly's friend

Posts: 768 | From: North Hollywood, CA | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Mad Jay
Let There Be PCs on Earth


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mad Jay     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Don't burn your bridges before you cross them.

--------------------
Nico Sasha
In between my father's fields;And the citadels of the rule; Lies a no-man's land which I must cross; To find my stolen jewel.

Posts: 4912 | From: VA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Four Kitties
Layaway in a Manger


Icon 503 posted      Profile for Four Kitties   E-mail Four Kitties   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
How about one that exists here at the ULMB but nowhere else?

I'm speaking, of course, of the infamous "never get naked with a wet cat."

--------------------
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Posts: 13275 | From: Kindergarten World, Massachusetts | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
KingoHrts
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


Icon 1 posted      Profile for KingoHrts   E-mail KingoHrts   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
How about these?

Anyone who says, "No offense, but...." is about to offend someone.

Anyone who says, "I'm not prejudiced, but..." is about to prove he's a liar.

And my sig line is my favorite one of all time.

--------------------
Chuck K.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Posts: 44 | From: Virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Oualawouzou
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Oualawouzou     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Oh man... me and some friends came up with a truckload of them during two particularly boring French classes in high school. Our favorite to this day, because it feels like it should make sense but it doesn't really:

Truth is a doorknob.

--------------------
Le champignon arrive.

Posts: 4372 | From: Quebec | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


Icon 37 posted      Profile for robbiev - singin' off key   Author's Homepage   E-mail robbiev - singin' off key   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by DawnStorm:
Brother Dave Gardner once said: Man cannot live by bread alone. He must have peanut butter!

And woman cannot live by peanut butter alone. She must have the dog.

________________
Men reach their sexual prime about age 17. Too bad I let my prime slip right through my fingers.

________________
Once a young man hits his peak, it's all downhill from there, but it's lovely ride. (from a movie)

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

Posts: 1820 | From: Memphis, TN | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Ligeia
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ligeia     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Everything has cheese on it.

OK, that one has a really long back-story and I no longer remember exactly what it means, but I swear it is profound.

[Long Back-Story] Once upon a time I was an assitant manager at Taco Bell. My regular schedule included closing on Saturday nights and working a mid-shift on Sunday. But any time the third assitant went on vacation, the store manager always forgot to schedule someone to open the store on Sunday, so I ended up coming back three hours after my Saturday close to open back up.

On this particular Sunday, near the end of my ten hour shift a customer asked if a certain item had cheese on it. Since almost every item on the menu is made with some kind of cheese, I told him, "Yes, everything has cheese on it." Having been awake for close to thirty hours at that point, that statement struck me as incredibly profound. In fact, I declared "Everything has cheese on it" to be the meaning of life.[/Long Back-Story]

--------------------
Fight evil diaper rash!

Posts: 196 | From: Southwest Missouri | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
asnakeny
Deck the Malls


Icon 1 posted      Profile for asnakeny   Author's Homepage   E-mail asnakeny   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
The he-coon always walks by the light of the day.

(Political junkies will get this reference...)

--------------------
Is here no telephone?

Posts: 323 | From: Brooklyn, NY | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Chris J
Hotel California Roll


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Chris J     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Don't enter a feud with someone who has less morals than you do.
Posts: 1325 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Kabouter
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kabouter   Author's Homepage   E-mail Kabouter   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Johnny Slick:
No man is an island but some can be peninsulae.

That's a Solomon Short quote.

--------------------
"You're no help," he told the lime. This was unfair. It was only a lime; there was nothing special about it at all. It was doing the best it could.

Posts: 200 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
snopes
Return! Return! Return!


Icon 304 posted      Profile for snopes   Author's Homepage   E-mail snopes       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
When you flirt with danger, don't be surprised if it asks for your phone number.

- snopes

Posts: 36029 | From: Admin | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Johnny Slick
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Johnny Slick   E-mail Johnny Slick   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Kabouter:
quote:
Originally posted by Johnny Slick:
No man is an island but some can be peninsulae.

That's a Solomon Short quote.
Well, not really... it's a play on a John Donne quote that is really, really obvious. Is "let's go to the mall" a Martha Stewart quote?

--------------------
Give big space to the festive dog that makes sport in roadway. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

Posts: 4267 | From: Seattle | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
TwoGuyswithaHat
Happy Holly Days


Icon 1 posted      Profile for TwoGuyswithaHat   E-mail TwoGuyswithaHat   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Don't be ready to dance with danger unless your shoes are tied

--------------------
In politics, absurdity is not a handicap - Napoleon Bonaparte

Posts: 1801 | From: The Forest City, Ontario | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Johnny Slick
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Johnny Slick   E-mail Johnny Slick   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
If someone asks you "You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? I always ask that of all my prey", you are talking to someone who likes Batman the movie.

--------------------
Give big space to the festive dog that makes sport in roadway. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

Posts: 4267 | From: Seattle | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Ganzfeld
Let There Be PCs on Earth


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ganzfeld     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times... hey, cut that out!
Posts: 4922 | From: Kyoto, Japan | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Chimera
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Chimera     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Good lovin' is almost as satisfying as having a warm pizza in your lap.
Riv

Unkown:
"Always put all your eggs in one basket and watch that basket"

--------------------
"The question for joining the protected forum for real magicians should be:

What is the use of women?"
Steve W. from JREF's 'This is no fun'

Posts: 7622 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
IanKunX
Baby 100 Grand


Icon 1 posted      Profile for IanKunX     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
A bird in the hand will probably poop on it.

A cat in the hand really hurts.

When life gives you lemons, make lemon-pepper catfish.

Posts: 31 | From: Northern California | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
dookie_booty
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


Icon 217 posted      Profile for dookie_booty   E-mail dookie_booty   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Johnny Slick:
quote:
Originally posted by dookie_booty:
Don't put your eggs into one basket.

The grass isn't greener on the other side.

I think you may have misread the topic. Those are aphorisms that actually do exist. Okay, the original is "don't put ALL your eggs into one basket", but you get the idea. Now, had you said, "don't put all your gerbils into one terrarium", that would be acceptable. "The grass is greener over the septic tank" is something that Erma Bombeck came up with so that one would *not* be fine; however, "bears look cute from a distance but if you're right next to one it will probably eat you" would work.

A couple more:

Beware the lesson of the liger. Just because you and your SO are short does not mean your children will be.

A man cannot live on bread alone unless said bread has a lot of vitamins in it.

No man is an island but some can be peninsulae.

Okay, yea, I'ma dork. [lol] Knew what the object of the topic was but was too tired and late at night when I wrote my reply. [lol] Okay here goes again. [dunce]

Stop and smell the roses but then run like hell when that bee tries to sting you.

Wake up and smell the coffee and then kick the person's ass when he refuses to give you a cup.

--------------------
Don't blame me, my evil monkey did it.
-----------------
Just remember, When everything seems difficult, I'll be shining from a far, When it feels like things have gone away, I'll see you again.

Posts: 130 | From: Orange County, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Senior   E-mail Senior       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Before you criticize somebody, walk a mile in their shoes. Unless you and the other person wear the same size shoe, your feet will really hurt.

--------------------
Ad astra per asparagus.

Posts: 4806 | From: Groton, CT | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Minstrel gone caroling
Let There Be PCs on Earth


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Minstrel gone caroling   Author's Homepage   E-mail Minstrel gone caroling   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
You can lead a naked mole rat to jello, but you can't make him eat.

--------------------
Last year's goat was burned down by vandals dressed up as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man. They were never caught.
My blog. The Adventures of the Fish O'Thwacking.
Countdown: 177 days (or less!)

Posts: 4926 | From: NW Ohio | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
TrekkerScout
Deck the Malls


Icon 1 posted      Profile for TrekkerScout     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Life is like a box of chocolates. If you wait too long, all you'll be left with are the disgusting ones that nobody else wants.

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but he will still send the bill to collection.

If you take the road less traveled, you're quite likely to get lost.

Posts: 306 | From: Tacoma, WA | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Pork Chop
Anchovy of a 1000 Days


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Pork Chop   E-mail Pork Chop   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
If life hands you an orange, make screwdrivers!

Don't bathe in your pants, because you'll DIE!

--------------------
Have you heard the Word?
Praise Hircine!

Posts: 283 | From: Ohio | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Senior   E-mail Senior       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Here's an oldie but a goodie: If at first you don't succeed, maybe skydiving isn't for you.

--------------------
Ad astra per asparagus.

Posts: 4806 | From: Groton, CT | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
  This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post new topic  New Poll  Post a reply Close topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Urban Legends Reference Pages

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2