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- If you acquire a Quad Damage-type weapon powerup with a limited lifespan, the map will suddenly be absolutely deserted of other players until you have half a milisecond of powerup left, at which time you will find the room where everyone else on the map was hanging out and playing Magic: The Gathering. Then they'll kill you.

- If you use an elevator, no matter what you do, you will be facing the wrong way when it reaches its destination and you'll get shot in the anus.

- Your unstoppable kill-crazy rampage will be ended when you're killed by someone with one point of health, using the weakest weapon in the game.

- Remaining in the same place with a sniper rifle for more than 0.5 of a microsecond will cause everyone on the map to accuse you of being a "CAMPING FAGOT" and saturate your hideout with rockets.

- If you are on a ledge with a rocket launcher, firing it at anyone below you will cause the rocket to go off in your face as it impacts with a rogue air molecule.

- Your opponents are perfectly safe from your 10,000 RPM Vulcan cannon if they take cover behind a wire fence.

- If you have journeyed across the entire map to get to your favorite weapon, it will be snatched up by someone else when you're half a centimetre away from it. They will then kill you with it and wee on your carcass.

- You will respawn directly in front of somebody with a double-barrelled shotgun.

- Sniper rifles turn the other players into Jude Law in Enemy At The Gates, but they turn YOU into an Imperial Stormtrooper.

- If at any point you try to communicate with teammates or opponents via the keyboard, you will automatically be shot through the head.

- Enormous fatal drops in first person shooters exert a powerful magnetic field which attracts you specifically.

- When you are craftily hiding out in a concealed position waiting to zap somebody using your freshly-acquired best weapon in the game, someone will come up behind you and kill you by bashing you over the head with the worst one.

- The only actual player class in team-based first person shooters is Sniper. All the other classes are figments of your imagination.

- If you are in a nailbiting close-combat machine gun battle with another player, you will handily suffer five seconds of lag at precisely the worst possible moment, causing you to freeze helplessly in the air while the other player shoots you in the cock five hundred thousand times.

- Choosing a low-key colour scheme for the purposes of camouflage is pointless, as all the other players have their graphics set up so that they see all the other players as fat clowns in pink jumpsuits with glow-in-the-dark targets on their foreheads.

- Gigeresque "Biological" alien weapons are ****. Especially if they fire insects.

- Experimental energy weapons are useless Star Trek bollocks.

- You will only have the opportunity to use your super-powered nuclear weapon when doing so will cause you to melt as well as your enemy.

- Everyone else on the map has been playing the game since it was a primitive addon for Pac Man, and hence know exactly where every single powerup and weapon is, whilst you can just about manage to find the awful biological insect-gun and "health vial" that gives you one extra hit point.

- Your grenades aren't ready for life away from home yet, which is why they always come back to bum money off you and explode in your face.

- Nobody on your Capture The Flag team gives a rat's ass about the enemy flag, as it gets in the way of their sniping. On the contrary, the entire other team is composed of ex-SAS assassins capable of capturing your flag three times every ten seconds.

- Remember to travel with your team in close formation, as the gib-shower will amuse the enemy greatly when you all share the same grenade.

- When your currently equipped weapon runs out of ammo, you'll automatically switch to the weapon most likely to kill you if you fire it.

- Your combat skills are directly proportional to the number of confusing esoteric symbols and references to The Matrix/gangsta rap/death/Insane Clown Posse your stupid nickname contains. Command respect with names like "[{HardKoreKiLLahKlownz}]MorpheusMan2002-X".
Warning: Having a name like this makes you a tosser.

- When sniping, bare in mind that due to lag, the player in your crosshairs is actually an image of where they were ten minutes ago. Since they were there they've actually killed everyone and won the game, but you haven't realised yet due to your lag-induced timewarp.

- Additionally, every time you actually manage to kill someone, the mischevious Internet Gods "FUKIN LAG" and "AIMBOT" are to blame, and the person in question will forget the game in order to flame you for twenty minutes, during which time the most shockingly obscene statements you've ever heard will be thrown at you. When they kill you in revenge, it's because "U SUK" and "IM HARDCORE", and they'll stage a four-hour victory ceremony complete with parade and speech.

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Posts: 8929 | From: Norfolk, Virginia | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged | 

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- If you use an elevator, no matter what you do, you will be facing the wrong way when it reaches its destination and you'll get shot in the anus.

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uuuhhh, huhh huhhh huhh... he said... anus. that was cool.

Seriously, that was pretty damn funny and seems to be what happens to me everytime! (except for that anus part )

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"I'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back" -Stephen Colbert

Posts: 468 | From: Raleigh, NC | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged |