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Author Topic: Huge fight with my best friend
LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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(This is going to be a long one)

I've been friends with this guy for 5 years. We've been best friends for the past three. We hang out all the time, sleep over at each others' houses, and his parents are like uncle and aunt to me, and vice versa.

The past little while I've been getting really frustrated with him. We'll be hanging out and it just seems that every so often he's doing something (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying inadvertantly) that makes me want to kick him. If I don't laugh at a joke he makes, he'll mutter "douchebag" or "asshole" or something like that. Now, I know that sounds bad, but he's like that with everyone, and for the most part, we know he's just saying it for fun, and not to be mean. But he seems to be saying it to me every five minutes these past weeks, and when I tell him to stop he says he's just joking.

Also, he's a very good debater. He can rationalize things that he does, so that I end up looking like the bad guy. Often I end up apologizing for things I don't feel like I did wrong because he convinces me that I was at fault.

Today was a breaking point of sorts. I was driving him and a second mutual friend, and he mentioned that he didn't think he was going to be able to customize my entire drumset for my birthday, as he had previously said he would. (We're in a band together, and he was going to put the logo of our band on the drums as a birthday present.) He told me that it was too expensive (it is - about $100), and that he was going to just do the bass drum instead. I told him that I didn't really want that, and I'd rather he just get me something else entirely.

He flipped out and starting telling me that he wanted to get me my bass drum customized. I asked him why I couldn't choose my own birthday present, and he replied, "You know what I wanted for my birthday? How about I just get you what you got me the past two birthdays and Hanukkah!"

(For the record, the past two birthdays I took him out for dinner - about $20. I was prepared to get him whatever he asked for, but he insisted that I should just pick something I thought he would like. I made several suggestions, but he refused all of them and wouldn't tell me what he wanted...so it ended up being dinner. As for Hanukkah, he bought me a shotglass chess set this year, but I told him that I was sorry, but I really didn't have enough money to start buying Hanukkah presents [I'm about $600 in debt right now].)

He asked me why I didn't want it anymore, and I told him that what I had wanted was a customized drum set (which, he had told me the whole band was chipping in for, not just him), but I didn't really want just a customized bass drum - there were plenty of other things I'd rather have instead. He told me I was being greedy by wanting him to spend so much money on an entire customized drum set. I told him I wasn't being greedy, and that I didn't care that he couldn't afford to get the whole set done - just that if that was the case, I'd rather have a different present, and that the cost of the present had nothing to do with it. But by this point he had decided that his interpretation of what I had said was right, and he didn't want to listen to me anymore.

We ended up stopping at a convenience store a block from his house, and he decided that if I wouldn't apologize to him, he wanted to walk home. I refused to apologize, offered him a ride anyway, but he insisted on walking.

I ended up driving back to my other friend's house and ranting to him for about 20 minutes. He said he had noticed the same things as I had about the first friend, and that he didn't think I had anything to apologize for.

I've gotten about 6 cell phone calls, but I'm just too angry to have a conversation now - it would all be shouting, and my family is asleep.

I just can't apologize for this one. I want him to see how he's been acting the past while. But I'm afraid that when I talk to him about it he's going to try to turn it around on me again somehow.

[Frown]

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
happyholidaysfrog
Jingle Bell Hock


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From what you've written you have nothing to apologize for in the least. It's your drum set, it's your choice what goes and personally I think he should have asked if you wanted just the bass done.

He sounds like a bit of a control freak too(to put it mildly), flipping out and walking home over you not doing what he wants with your stuff.

I feel for you, I'm going through a tough time with a very good friend of mine. I've got to tell her something that I'm afraid she'll take badly, but I've got to do that or I'll pull away from her(which I've already done) too far(I don't want to abandon her as my friend). But I have to watch out for my mental health and I can't take care of her, it's a complicated situation to say the least.

Anyway, I hope your friend can listen to you, if he can't I would not beat my head against the proverbial wall(it's painful) or let him browbeat you into apologizing or doing things his way.

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~All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream~
E.A.Poe

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
~James Dean~

Posts: 516 | From: Anderson, Indiana | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Para
Deck the Malls


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Maple, the longer you wait, the worse the eventual conversation you'll have to have with him will be. But of course like you say, you don't want to have it while you're both really keyed up and there are people trying to sleep. Can you send him a text message or email telling him you DO want to talk, but a little later? That way he won't think you're just completely blowing him off.

I think you need to ask him why doing this band logo on your bass drum thing is so important to him. Maybe he wants to do it because he knew how important it was to you originally to have a customized set up and worked hard getting the other people in the band to help pay for it. Or maybe he sees it as an investment in the band. Maybe he's already sent the money to the person who was set up to do the logo, and can't get a refund?

It sort of seems like you're looking a gift horse in the mouth by telling him how to spend his money on you. To me, anyway. Maybe I've missed something. I'm not saying you're the bad guy here, I just think that maybe part of the reason he got so mad was that he thought you were presuming to tell him how to spend his money, and he took that to mean you thought he wasn't spending enough on you.

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"But what of the golden spider-duck and the squat crimson pig?"

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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quote:
It sort of seems like you're looking a gift horse in the mouth by telling him how to spend his money on you. To me, anyway. Maybe I've missed something. I'm not saying you're the bad guy here, I just think that maybe part of the reason he got so mad was that he thought you were presuming to tell him how to spend his money, and he took that to mean you thought he wasn't spending enough on you.
That's entirely possible. While I want to settle the drum thing, it's not the big deal here. It's really just the straw that broke the camel's back.

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Para
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by LeaflessMapleTree:
quote:
It sort of seems like you're looking a gift horse in the mouth by telling him how to spend his money on you. To me, anyway. Maybe I've missed something. I'm not saying you're the bad guy here, I just think that maybe part of the reason he got so mad was that he thought you were presuming to tell him how to spend his money, and he took that to mean you thought he wasn't spending enough on you.
That's entirely possible. While I want to settle the drum thing, it's not the big deal here. It's really just the straw that broke the camel's back.
From the way you describe it, it sounds like he's had something bothering him for a while now. The growling and "sarcastic" remarks make him seem bothered by something.

I hope it's something you guys can work through, and salvage your friendship. You guys sound like you are, or were, really close. Setting some ground rules about his behavior and his expecting you to apologise and/or ignore it seems like a good idea, though. Maybe you could spend some time while you wait to talk to him making a list of pros and cons about your friendship? That could help you debate his behavior and present your points a little better. It sucks, but if he won't listen to your points or take you seriously, then maybe for now at least you guys should spend some time apart. [Frown]

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"But what of the golden spider-duck and the squat crimson pig?"

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trollface
The Bills of St. Mary's


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Sounds to me like neither of you is really "to blame", just that you two have been so close for so long that something was bound to snap for both of you eventually. I don't think you're wrong, and I don't think that he is, either - 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Sounds like you've both been rubbing each other up the wrong way for a while. Maybe you just need to spend less time together for a time?

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seriously , everyone on here , just trys to give someone crap about something they do !! , its shitting me to tears.

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KaiTheInvader
Deck the Malls


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I agree with those who said maybe you need to spend a little less time together. not necessarily apart, it's just that it sounds like you guys are growing apart. you guys have been super close friends for a long time, but as we get older, our ideas and feelings and whatever else change, and we might not feel the same as we did when we were younger. the same thing has happened to me with various friends. I would be so close to them for a long time, but eventually I would start to realize little things that would bother me, or get in stupid fights that really weren't important to me in the long run. finally I just realized that as we both grew up, we grew in different directions. it's not a bad thing, and you guys can still be friends, and maybe even eventually you'll go back to being as close as you once were, when you grow back in the same directions. but don't try to force yourself to keep the same kind of friendship you had, be happy with being friends with him at all even if you don't see each other as much, rather than eventually getting so fed up you drive him away and lose him forever.

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Resurrection of mankind to careen in silent pace. Feeling lonely. I am the dream that nobody dreams of, but will you dream of me, and dream of eternal desire? If you dream of me, will you live for me? Will you? Will you?

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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quote:
Originally posted by trollface:
Sounds to me like neither of you is really "to blame", just that you two have been so close for so long that something was bound to snap for both of you eventually. I don't think you're wrong, and I don't think that he is, either - 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Sounds like you've both been rubbing each other up the wrong way for a while. Maybe you just need to spend less time together for a time?

I think this is good advice as well. It's natural that many of us will grow away from our "best friends" at some point in time. Your friend may be growing away from your whole crowd which might explain his snotty attitude lately. He's just not ready to make a clean break perhaps?

The real problem I see with you trying to do the distancing (aside from being in the band together) is if he is also the child of friends of your parents. I couldn't tell from your OP if that was the case or not. If so a break in the friendship won't be easy if your families all socialize together and you still live at home. I think an honest conversation, when you are calm enough might be a good idea as if you are going to cool the friendship you may need to lay down some ground rules you wouldn't ordinarily have to do.

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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Lapis Lazuli
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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I agree with Para-- would it be possible that your friend has been (silently) upset about something else?

A few months ago, I had a huge blow-out with my best friend; it was over a trivial matter, but like you, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She'd been snippy and insulting with me the two months or so leading up to the fight, which in turn made me short, and so it all ended.

When we finally cooled off and talked to each other again, she admitted she'd been nursing a pretty bad grudge towards me over some advice I'd given her months earlier. She'd been pretty severely insulted by what I'd said, and I had no idea I'd done anything wrong, and so to me her attitude had come out of nowhere.

I wouldn't have found out if I hadn't forced it out of her-- so yes, talking (or screaming, which is what we did) might be the way to go.

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Your pants will be legendary, even in Hell.

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vanilla
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Lapis Lazuli:
I agree with Para-- would it be possible that your friend has been (silently) upset about something else?

Like perhaps the gifts you have given him over the past two years?

Your argument seems to have stemmed from the fact that you want a different gift from him than the one he has planned to give you. It also sounds like he has given you gifts that he has put a lot of thought into to make sure you like them. You, however, sound like you haven't returned the favor and are using the excuse that he doesn't tell you what he wants as a reason to buy him a cheap birthday dinner (assuming the $20 covered both yours and his plates).

From his perspective, if the two of you are as good of friends as you say you are, you shouldn't need him to tell you what to buy him as he apparently doesn't need you to tell him. He puts time and effort into the things he gives you (and some cash as well) and you, instead of giving him a gift that shows how well you know him and care for him as a friend, give him a crap gift because you don't want to put out any energy in picking out a gift for him and then turn around and blame him for your lack of gift-giving skills. His gifts to you have been thoughtful items picked out specifically for you - yours could be seen as something you give an acquaitance you don't really like but feel obligated to give.

The straw on this camel's back may just have been "I give you great gifts and you give me crap (even though I totally understand why) and you think you have the right to tell me that my gift sucks*?"

*As in "you don't really want it if it isn't exactly what you want it to be".

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I swear, it was funnier in my head.
Yeah, I used to be pink. vanilla_pink.

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BeachLife
The Bills of St. Mary's


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I have to agree with Vanilla, the disconect on gifts was most obvious and this is you giving your perspective. Well thought out gifts don't have to cost a lot of money, but they mean so much more to the giver. As I've said before, the best gift ever is a framed photograph. Maybe he's feeling that he puts a lot more into your friendship than you do.

Beach...not even sure where else a drumset gets customized...Life!

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Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Jack Dragon, On Being a Dragon
Confessions of a Dragon's scribe
Diary of my Heart Surgery

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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Hmm, I agree that it's certainly possible that the friend is throwing a hissy fit because he doesn't think much of MapleLeafs gift giving skills but do most 20 year old guys really think and act like that? Not the guys I know anyhow!

The red flag for me that this really isn't about the gift *as* the gift as much as it is just a reason (an excuse?) to be nasty is that this isn't the first time the fellow has been nasty. This fellow is behaving badly on other occasions as well and if this is all down to anger over MapleLeaf's perceived lack of gift giving thoughtfulness, I'd suggest that this friend is very high maintenance and is looking for an excuse to blow up. Any excuse.

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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sparklygirl
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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I agree with those who say the gift thing isn't the real problem.
It sounds to me like you are trying to communicate more than he is. You have told him to knock off the name-calling, you asked what gifts he wanted and he didn't tell you, and you were up front about not apologizing but still wanting to give him a ride home. I think he needs to be more specific about what bothers him (instead of name calling) or what gifts he wants when he is asked. As for the drum thing it sounds like it benefitted not just you but the band also (It's your birthday-not the band's!). I think it is ok to not answer his calls for a day or two until you have calmed down, but then I would get together and talk it out. That he is calling probably shows that he wants to work it out. Sounds like he is one of those friends that can "never be in he wrong", but a good friend still. Good luck.
sparklygirl

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. -- Mark Twain
_ _______________________________ _

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

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