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Author Topic: Sisters! I can live without mine...
FullMetal
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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I know this is the season for family attempting to screw you over...

But this takes the cake.

Ok, I have a lovely relationship with my sister, or at least it used to be. This year I finally grew a backbone and was able to take my sisters abuse with gentle good humour. For the past 30 years she's treated me like spit every chance she had. often making me leave the room crying or just so frustrated that I couldn't take it anymore. This year tons of good things have changed in my life. I moved out (a point of contention the last 5 years or so) I got married, and I had a gorgeous baby boy. All very positive and good things. My sister had her 11th wedding anniversary this year as well. As all these good things have happened, I grew closer to my family, and have been able to take my sisters ribbing finally. I even was able to fire a few back myself. It's this that is biting me in the butt.

This year at our usual chirstmas dinner at my aunt and uncle's place, it was the first time our son was there. Now usually (as in what has happened the past 10 years) the conversation is usually kept away from me, as nothing exciting has happened in my life. And it tended to focus on my sister. on how her school/teaching was going, and the past few years about her skating. ok great. this year, it's all about me, my wife, and my son. About how cute he is, aww the poor guy has a cold, and teething at the same time. Poor little guy. and everyone was paying attention to him. I made an off the cuff remark during one of the conversations not about him. And it related to an incident around 20 years ago, where my sister had held me down and spit in my mouth. It’s kind of funny to look back on now, but gross all at the same time. So a perfect humorous jab at my sister who never missed an opportunity to throw a jab at me in the same situation.

Well yesterday I got a nasty e-mail from her, complaining about how that really hurt her, and that I should grow up and get over it because it happened 20 years ago. she goes on to say that she has spent so much money on me this year, she flew to Vegas for our wedding but spent the entire trip other than our wedding day (from about 5:00 when the wedding took place til 11:00 when our meal was finished) doing her own thing, because she had wanted to go to Vegas again anyway. And she spent a bunch of money for the baby shower. She ends the e-mail with how I have hurt her and embarrassed her many many times...

And this as the final line in the email
“I apologize for this email if it upset you, but you have made me cry MANY evenings with your hurtful words too.” uh, ok, in the past 10 years, she’s made me cry almost every time she visited, to the point where she'd come over to my parents place (where I was living) that I'd have to either leave, or just go to my room and play on the computer til she left. Just to avoid her talking to me so that I didn't end up crying. Where as just the last year I’ve spent time with her and sure I threw some jabs her way, but they were always in response to her jabs, so if they hurt her so much, why throw the first punch? Why not just leave it alone and maybe I won't fire a return volley... If you can’t take it don’t dish it out.

It’s funny, everyone I talk to seems to agree, she’s jealous. She’s been married 11 years and at the beginning never wanted kids, now she can’t have kids, and she sees how happy I am, and how much attention my son gets from family.

I want to reply to the e-mail, but I don't want to be the guy who ruins my son's first christmas. So i'm just going to wait til after christmas. Because heaven forbit I say something to upset her, and ruin christmas for everybody. Dispite the fact that she threw the first volley. I'll just ignore it for now, and reply on boxing day...

Posts: 153 | From: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Arrow-Tech IV
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by FullMetal:
I want to reply to the e-mail, but I don't want to be the guy who ruins my son's first christmas. So i'm just going to wait til after christmas. Because heaven forbit I say something to upset her, and ruin christmas for everybody. Dispite the fact that she threw the first volley. I'll just ignore it for now, and reply on boxing day...

I think that you're right to bring this rant here instead of immediately replying to your sister. Yes, she's jealous. She wants you to be the bad guy, so she's trying to provoke you to make you the bad guy -- or, if that doesn't work, to at least make you feel like crap.

In my opinion, from what you've said of her, she doesn't really deserve your attention or worried concern. Your life is good, so she wants to put you back where you used to be. Giving her very little attention will actually make a stronger stand than trying to fight point-by-point.

If you have to reply by e-mail, you might merely state that you finally determined why she's made so many painful, pointed comments to you all of these years, she was trying to "zing" you -- and by not participating in the "competition" she'd established and taking her remarks personally, your sibling relationship deteriorated. Now that you're trying to participate in the game she started, suddenly she's crying "foul".

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Mickey is a Hanukkah Bush
O Come Let Us Adore Sales


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If you don't want to be the guy who ruins your son's first Christmas, then don't be.

She's probably crying because you put up with her "spit", as you say, for so long, and are now able to get back at her, which is something she didn't expect. And now that it's hitting her, it hurts.

If it were me (and it's not, and I tend to be a bit blunt over this kind of topic), I would say "You teased me for so many years. Now I have the confidence to take your punches and give some too. If you can't take what you give, then stop giving it."

YMMV, but give yourself time to cool off, and then respond with a letter that reflects your age. Or call her. It'll show you have no harsh feelings, and you guys may be able to talk it out.

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My mom, about my nervousness with Jeopardy!: "Don't worry about it. Just get drunk and you'll do fine."
Blog Just call me Mickey 2

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LittleDuck
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Take the high road. Send a brief reply, something like, "Sorry I hurt you. That wasn't my intention," and leave it at that. I would bet dollars to donuts she's trying to provoke something more out of you. A short yet sweet apology is probably the last thing she expects.

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"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie." -Apu (The Simpsons)

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happyholidaysfrog
Jingle Bell Hock


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First of all GOOD FOR YOU!!!

As a 28 yo person living with my Dad, and also having a "lovely" sibling that would jab me with it (and anything else he could find) as often as he could I know the hell that that is.

Your sister sounds like a miserable person. The one thing miserable people hate is for other people to be happy and content. They are happiest when they are popping other people's balloons or pissing in their cherrios.

I lucked out that my problem sibling landed himself in jail this X-Mas, I didn't have to worry about him baiting me.

Now for your sister and her pathetic attempt to put you back where she thinks you belong. I would ignore it and do everything you can to distance yourself from her. The money she spent was HER choice and has nothing to do with you. And as for growing up? She is in need of that much more then you.

The dynamic has changed and she wants it back the old way.

My advice is to distance your family from her emotionally and to pity her that she can't take her happiness into her own hands and would rather have smuggness that nasty jabs give.

Unless she changes, she sounds like she has the potential to be a very dangerous person. Do what you need to keep yourself, and your family safe.

ETA, Little duck is right on, I should've waited and just put an ITA.

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~All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream~
E.A.Poe

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
~James Dean~

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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quote:
Well yesterday I got a nasty e-mail from her, complaining about how that really hurt her, and that I should grow up and get over it because it happened 20 years ago. she goes on to say that she has spent so much money on me this year, she flew to Vegas for our wedding but spent the entire trip other than our wedding day (from about 5:00 when the wedding took place til 11:00 when our meal was finished) doing her own thing, because she had wanted to go to Vegas again anyway. And she spent a bunch of money for the baby shower. She ends the e-mail with how I have hurt her and embarrassed her many many times...
I'm not sure why it matters that she "did her own thing" when not actively involved in your wedding. You clearly don't get along but she she did go to your wedding isn't that at least a step - ok maybe a baby step - but a step in the right direction?

She spent "a bunch of money" on your baby shower, a gesture you seem to dismiss as being unimportant.

It does sound to me like, at least in the last year, she has been making an effort to put the past behind her where your relationship with her is concerned. You dragging up a hurtful incident at a family gathering was probably taken by her to be a slap in the face and a clear signal that you don't want your relationship with her to change.

If you don't, that's fine and certainly your choice but IME it's rarely fault on one side alone when siblings battle.

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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happyholidaysfrog
Jingle Bell Hock


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Christie, what do you think of her throwing it at full metal as a guilt trip?

Relationships arn't fixed with money, especially when after the money is spent it's thrown back into the persons faces with a "look at all I've done, you should be ashamed" tone to it.

But I've been in his position of staying to my room because all it took most times was my presence for my brother to be hateful to me.

All I wanted was for him to BACK OFF and leave me alone, and all he wanted was to poke me in the sorest spots he could find and then go off on me if I dared to try to tell him to please leave me alone ("You can't tell me what to do!").

I took my families advice and stayed away from him and then he threw that back at me like I'm the mean one for not giving him the chances to hurt me.

And honestly, the hurtful incident didn't hurt her, it hurt heavy metal.

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~All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream~
E.A.Poe

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
~James Dean~

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tribrats
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Good for you! You are only in "stage 1" of ending the game. After the "hurt" and "guilt" phases (which it looks like she may be combining them), she will most likely go to the "pity" phase. She will try to show that you are the one that always ganged up on her and you are the one who should be made to feel bad. After that is the "Oh woe-is-me" phase. That is the hardest one (and the one we are on with my Mom). She will make herself out to be a helpless victim that you totally hate. Then, hopefully is "acceptance". She will see that you won't play the games and will try to save any relationship that may be left.

I've now done this with about 1/2 dozen family members and the hardest by far was my own Mom. She has finally come to the begining of accepting that we don't hate her but she hurts us with the digs and games. Some family members I don't speak with at all and others have figured out that I have no intention of carrying on the "Family Tradition". It's hard but you have to stick to your guns. If not for yourself, then for your son. It's a form of manipulation. And it can take years to break.

I don't know about your case but if others in your extended family also do this it will feel like you are swimming against the tide.

Good luck!

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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quote:
Originally posted by happyholidaysfrog:
Christie, what do you think of her throwing it at full metal as a guilt trip?

Why does that change anything about my point? I am saying that, at least from the sister's perspective she did something she saw as positive towards mending the relationship and she was hurt that, apparently, it counted for nothing. Maybe she isn't being sincere about it of course, but she did do something. Doesn't she get any credit at all for that? At the very least couldn't brother & sister declare a moratorium on casting up incidents from their childhood since these are clearly painful for both of them?

I honestly don't mean to say that the sister is a poor misunderstood sweetheart! I have siblings of my own who can be difficult to handle - to say the least. Just that, from my perspective it does sound like they could still salvage their relationship if both are willing to try.

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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cubbie
Deck the Malls


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Full I know how you feel, i have two brothers like that.

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i reject reality and submit my own

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happyholidaysfrog
Jingle Bell Hock


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I didn't read fullmetal brushing off his sisters money spent as "unimportant" at all. But I didn't find anywhere where she was trying to put their past behind her this past year out of the OP.

This is what I did get from the OP.
  • the e-mail was nasty.
  • she had regularly and repeatedly, over a long period of time, been hateful enough to him to make him cry
  • his life has changed(move, wife, baby), and with that he has changed and so the way he takes his sister's nastiness has changed (it's not one sided anymore).
  • Sis used to be the center of attention at family things
  • All the excitement of his life is center of attention at this family gathering
  • He relates in a humorous way something she did to him as kids
  • sister takes this opprotunity to unload on him telling her how HURT she is by his jab

I wonder if she ever cared how much her meanness had hurt heavymetal personally. Also, if she is trying to reconcile, why is she sending him nasty e-mails?

Now a couple more things, if they had apologized for the hurt they had done each other in the past and they were trying to start their relationship new, that would be one thing, but the OP gave no indication of that.

Also, IME in relationships like this the person going on about "you just need to get over it" is often the perpetrator of meanness in the original incident.

And hey, if I lived through my sibling holding me down and spitting in my mouth I would have the right to bring it up the rest of my life whenever I wanted. THEY made ME live through that, if they have a problem with it then they need to do whatever they need to do to make ME ok with the fact that they did that to me (show genuine repentance). It's his experience, it's not like he was the one who held her down and spit in her mouth, then twenty years later brings it up and laughs about it. She should be grateful that he CAN laugh about it twenty years later. I don't know if I personally could if it had happened to me.

Now about the money. She went to the wedding for herself, or she should have. And she did get a two-for-one vacation and family wedding. There is nothing at all wrong with this, but if you DO it, you have absolutely NO right to ever throw it in the person whose wedding it was as "I spent all this money on YOUR WEDDING".

I have major issues with throwing how much money a person spent on someone else in their face. The person spending the money is the one choosing to spend it. If they have issues with that it's not the fault of the person recieving the gift or the visit. Gifts should be given freely with no return expected and certainly not in a "I bought your baby gifts so you should never be mean to me" way.

People should go see their family because they want to see them and throw parties and buy gifts because they want to. If they don't want to see them they shouldn't be spending money to do so and if they do they have nobody to blame but themselves. They also should make sure that parties thrown and gifts they give are within their budget.

I'm not sure what your point was exactly, other then you think that surely heavymetal did his share of meanness to his sis(but isn't giving us the full story).

--------------------
~All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream~
E.A.Poe

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
~James Dean~

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Ramblin' Dave, quietly making noise
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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First of all, FullMetal, you're a better man than I for even letting your sister go to your wedding. I have a similar "relationship" with my sister (our equivalent of the spitting-in-your-mouth incident involved her pinning me down on my bed and sticking her finger...well, someplace I never really wanted anyone's finger to go!) and if I ever get married, I don't even intend for her to know about it if I can help it.

My advice is to ignore the e-mail. I may be projecting here, but if your sister is anything like mine, any response at all would mean she wins in a sense. From what you've said, she does sound a lot like my sister - prone to extremely hurtful behavior and completely oblivious to the fact that it has real consequences. (In my case this is because for her, it never did - at least not as far as our parents were concerned.)

And like you said, you don't want to spoil your son's first Christmas.

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Another lifetime I'd have fallen in love with you
Swept away by my feelings, ashamed and confused
But just now it's enough to be walking with you
Let the mystery play as it will! -Lui Collins

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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quote:
Originally posted by happyholidaysfrog:


I'm not sure what your point was exactly, other then you think that surely heavymetal did his share of meanness to his sis(but isn't giving us the full story).

My point was, and remains, that they are now adults and it is time to put aside their childish bickering. Heavymetal was wrong to cast up something that happened 20 years ago, and he acknowledges that. The sister was wrong to send a guilt inducing email.

But, let's be honest here, we all have our own perspective on what went on with our siblings/parents when we were growing up. Heavymetal remembers things his way, and no doubt his sister remembers things quite differently. Neither is probably remembering things exactly as they happened -- does anyone?

If they want to have an adult relationship they could try to build one. If they don't, that's their choice. Personally, I think it's worth trying. If HM and his sister do not that is entirely up to them!

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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happyholidaysfrog
Jingle Bell Hock


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Your point is valid, they are adults and we all have our own perspective on what happened as kids.

I do not agree though that HM was wrong to bring that up, and I do not think, from her actions that his sister wants an adult relationship with him. If she did she would not have sent that e-mail and she would have been HAPPY for her brother for all the blessings he has instead of being jealous, which is what HM and those around him think.

quote:
It’s funny, everyone I talk to seems to agree, she’s jealous.
From what I've gathered, HE'S trying to move towards an adult relationship, but she really would rather the dynamic stay the way it was.

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~All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream~
E.A.Poe

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
~James Dean~

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kjbrasda
Happy Holly Days


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I got the impression that she is *still* currently up to and including the day he brought up the spitting, giving similar jabs. So he responded in kind, which gives the impression that she's not exactly growing and moving on like an adult. Unless Full Metal isn't telling the entire truth, it sounds like light ribbing, which an adult should be able to take. An adult would have been apologizing over the long ago incident of spitting in her brother's mouth, not laying a guilt trip.

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"Long ago, when we all lived in the forest..."
Who are you? Who? Who?

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Ms. Kringle
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by kjbrasda:
I got the impression that she is *still* currently up to and including the day he brought up the spitting, giving similar jabs. So he responded in kind, which gives the impression that she's not exactly growing and moving on like an adult. Unless Full Metal isn't telling the entire truth, it sounds like light ribbing, which an adult should be able to take. An adult would have been apologizing over the long ago incident of spitting in her brother's mouth, not laying a guilt trip.

This is my take on the whole dynamic.

FullMetal, my advice is to ignore her. Don't respond to her e-mail, and if she decides to call you to whine at you about how you hurt her feeeeeeeeeeeeelings, mildly comment, "Yeah, I read your e-mail." And if she persists, get off the phone.

She wants to make you look like the bad guy. If you don't give her any ammunition, by not speaking to her about it, all she can do is whine to everyone about how meeeeeeen you were, and if they know her well, they'll tell her that she's been doing it to you for years, and if she didn't like the cheap shot directed at her, she shouldn't have directed them at you for so long.

Detach, detach, detach.

Ms. 'along the perforations, do not fold, spindle, or mutilate' K

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Bashful
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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I'm with LittleDuck. Just hit reply, say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry you were hurt; I didn't intend to."

quote:
Originally posted by happyholidaysfrog:
From what I've gathered, HE'S trying to move towards an adult relationship, but she really would rather the dynamic stay the way it was.

Well, why not? Sounds like it was a pretty positive relationship for Sis. Quite sad though that her happiness is tied up in her brother being UN happy.

FullMetal, hope you & your sister make it to the point of being happy for one another.

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It Takes A Village To Raise An Idiot

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nurple
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by LittleDuck:
Take the high road. Send a brief reply, something like, "Sorry I hurt you. That wasn't my intention," and leave it at that. I would bet dollars to donuts she's trying to provoke something more out of you. A short yet sweet apology is probably the last thing she expects.

I agree. Apologizing to her is probably the last thing you want to do, but I think it's best if you try to be the bigger person here. Your life is great now; why bother with the frustration that arguing with her will cause? A short, simple apology will show that you've moved past it all.

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"You better respect the Rap or the Rap won't respect you." Ledatru

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Fun with a 9mm
Deck the Malls


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I agree with Ms. Kringle. That's the only thing that got my long-contentious relationship with my brother to a point where we can be in the same room without getting snarky at each other. I quit responding to his snide comments, stopped letting him get to me.

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I'm not mean, you're just a big sissy. -Happy Bunny

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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quote:
Originally posted by kjbrasda:
An adult would have been apologizing over the long ago incident of spitting in her brother's mouth, not laying a guilt trip.

If it were brought up in private, sure, I agree with you, an apology might be a good idea - although really do many of us apologize to our siblings for incidents that happened when we were children? But it was brought up in public. It was a pretty embarassing thing to do to someone, who was, quite rightly, upset that this icky incident from her past was tossed out for public consumption.

I noticed that FM doesn't seem to feel any compassion for his sister and her inability to have children. Something that must cause her pain on a daily basis. That's too bad.

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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Elkhound
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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How about this:

"Dear Sis~

You shouldn't dish it out if you can't take it."

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"The bicycle is the most civilized conveyance known to man. Other forms of transport grow daily more nightmarish. Only the bicycle remains pure in heart."--Iris Murdoch

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Jocko's Jolly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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I have been the happy recipient of not one, but THREE similar emails from my sister. But hers were couched in the "no one else is the family is willing to tell you this, so I will -- here are all the things WE think is wrong with you" vein. Still having the same intention -- you are happy now, I'm no longer the center of intention, so I want to find some other way to bring you down a peg or two.

She's jealous and petty and tearing you down is the only thing she knows to do. It's what she's been doing for years now and she wants to continue doing so. The old way didn't work (taking digs at family gatherings), so now she's trying to do it through the "you're a mean, bad person who hurt my feelings" route.

If you apologize or acknowledge this in any way, she will continue, believe me. Just ignore it. If she calls, folows Ms. K's advice. What finally stopped my sister was me not only not responding, but actually forwarding her email to Mom with a note -- "Is this really how you feel, too?" Mom's answer was rather passive (well, we sort of agree, but she shouldn't have been so nasty about it), but she must have talked to sis, as the emails have stopped.

And if she keeps it up, delete her emails unread (what I have resolved to do if I get another one starting off, "I thought about this a long time before writing it...").

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Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe

Posts: 2211 | From: Harford County, MD | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
LolaRennt
The First USA Noel


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I fail to see how this incident could have ruined your child's Christmas unless a shouting match had started (which doesn't appear to be the case).

It's not clear whether or not you actually want an adult relationship with your sister. And you don't mention what you've tried in the past. I'm going to have to disagree with several others and say that if you want an adult relationship with her, then you have to address the issues between you and form some mutually agreed upon boundaries.

How about an email response along the lines of "dear sis, I'm really sorry my remark hurt you. I did not realize that you were that sensitive, especially since you have said things such as (insert concrete example here) to me. I've never enjoyed family gatherings because we always hurt each other's feelings. It would mean a lot to me if we could move beyond that." And then suggest some off-limits topics - such as childhood stories.

If you don't want anything to do with her, then just cut her out of your life (no invitations to son's birthday parties, etc) and don't talk to her at the family gatherings. Surely there are enough people there that you don't have to say a single word to her.

Either way something needs to be done or said because one holiday you will get into a shouting match if you leave things the way they are.

LR

Posts: 780 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by LolaRennt:
How about an email response along the lines of "dear sis, I'm really sorry my remark hurt you. I did not realize that you were that sensitive, especially since you have said things such as (insert concrete example here) to me. I've never enjoyed family gatherings because we always hurt each other's feelings. It would mean a lot to me if we could move beyond that." And then suggest some off-limits topics - such as childhood stories.

If you don't want anything to do with her, then just cut her out of your life (no invitations to son's birthday parties, etc) and don't talk to her at the family gatherings. Surely there are enough people there that you don't have to say a single word to her.

Either way something needs to be done or said because one holiday you will get into a shouting match if you leave things the way they are.

Lola is very wise, I think.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
FullMetal
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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well, I'm going to respond to a few of the posts, particularily Christie.
quote:
I'm not sure why it matters that she "did her own thing" when not actively involved in your wedding. You clearly don't get along but she she did go to your wedding isn't that at least a step - ok maybe a baby step - but a step in the right direction?

She spent "a bunch of money" on your baby shower, a gesture you seem to dismiss as being unimportant.

It does sound to me like, at least in the last year, she has been making an effort to put the past behind her where your relationship with her is concerned. You dragging up a hurtful incident at a family gathering was probably taken by her to be a slap in the face and a clear signal that you don't want your relationship with her to change.

If you don't, that's fine and certainly your choice but IME it's rarely fault on one side alone when siblings battle.

Well the point being that while she spent the money to come to vegas for the wedding, she got a lot more out of it than just the wedding, so she really shouldn't be throwing that all in my face as a huge expense solely for my benefit. if it was I'd have expected to see her more than 6 hours out of the 4 days they were in Vegas...
The money she spent on the baby shower was not dismissed, yeah it was in this e-mail but this e-mail was a rant remember... I appreciate everything she's done for the family. The fact of the matter is she hasn't been trying to reconcile. she came to vegas because of two reasons, one she felt she "had" to, and the other is she really wanted to visit the Luxor. she's an Egypt freak, and the Tutankhamen exhibit was there at the time and last christmas she was in Egypt, so she loved it for that.

She definately hasn't been trying to put the past behind us, I've just been making many positive moves in my life, that she's been left with little to make fun of me for. Truth is our relationship for the past 10 years has been mostly ribbing... unfortunately for the majority of those years it was very one sided. I've finally grown teeth and started firing a few jabs back, and something I mentioned only a handful of times (as opposed to calling me a troll about 100 times, teasing me about staying at home about 1000 times, making fun of the unemployment I went through 2 years ago, I could go on and on I'm not bitter, I'm just trying to show the one-sidedness the battle was for a very very long time.)

As for saving the relationship I'm all for it. I'm just saying this is not the way to do it after all these years. To claim that I've hurt her many many times, the only reasons I could have hurt her in the past is with my runnig to my room crying because I couldn't take her abuse anymore, no matter how good humour it was, she always made it seem very serious and direct. never with a smile on her face laughing about it like my teasing was done.
quote:
Doesn't she get any credit at all for that? At the very least couldn't brother & sister declare a moratorium on casting up incidents from their childhood since these are clearly painful for both of them?

Sure she does get credit, she already knows how much I appreciated her being there for the wedding, and for the gifts at the baby shower. I never said I never thanked her for all that.

And the moratorium on casting up incidents from our childhood? I'm all for that, if she'd stop bringing up the incident from when I was 2... (involved her being punished for something I did) then I won't bring up any incidents either. But the thing is the conversation was about stupid things kids do... I never brought it up to be hurtful. I'm genuinely sorry that it hurt her, I'm just angry at how she's attacking me for hurting her, and she's NEVER apologized once for making me cry every night for 5 years straight... Never even acknowledged that... That's whats getting me upset.
quote:
I noticed that FM doesn't seem to feel any compassion for his sister and her inability to have children. Something that must cause her pain on a daily basis. That's too bad.
Again this is a rant... so my compassion towards my sisters condition doesn't come through. truth is she still doesn't want kids, her inability to have them isn't as big a problem as one would think. She's a teacher, and has said up to last year that teaching grade 8 is the best birth control you could ever have. so unless something has changed in the last year that hasn't in the previous 10 she has been married.

And a reply to Lola
quote:
I fail to see how this incident could have ruined your child's Christmas unless a shouting match had started (which doesn't appear to be the case).

It's not clear whether or not you actually want an adult relationship with your sister. And you don't mention what you've tried in the past. I'm going to have to disagree with several others and say that if you want an adult relationship with her, then you have to address the issues between you and form some mutually agreed upon boundaries.

Well, had things been aired at the christmas day thing we had, it probabally would have ruined christmas, made everyone cry, and ruined the memories of Zach's first christmas by remembering the fight rather than the joy of Zach's first christmas. I actually chose to ignore the e-mail until I could think of the right way to say things, and if she asked me about it, lie and say I didn't have time to check my e-mails yet. Everything went well, she was happy and chipper. so whatever... I'd love to have an adult relationship with my sister. and heck that doesn't even mean we have to stop ribbing each other. just if we do know it's in jest. she's always attacked me for not "getting it".

I know something needs to be done, I just don't know why she can dish it out but not take it. I don't mind being equals, but equality is a double edged sword. I've been hit with my side of it... just don't be shocked when it swings back your way.

Posts: 153 | From: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Michigan Girl
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Your sister can't take it because she is a bully, plain and simple. Bullys don't like being bullied back! And several people here are putting you as the bad guy when you are giving her what she has given you for years. I believe you should get what you give (you in general). She needs to realize that (if it did hurt her and she's not just pissed off) everything she has done to you has hurt you the same way.

I don't believe the "blood is thicker than water" attitude. Sometimes people in your family are so toxic, you can't be around them.

I'm sorry about how your sister has treated you. I don't think you should apologize, she will then think she can continue to bully you. I think maybe a reply like "If you feel hurt by one thing I've done, think about how hurt I've felt for years. I deserve to be treated as well as you deserve to be treated. If you cannot treat me well, then I do not want to be around you."

I honestly think that some bullys can't (and don't want to) change. They don't realize how what they are doing hurts someone else, even if you treat them the same way and point out that's how you feel.

I have issues with my sister too, although she is not this bad.

Happy holidays!

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~ Yep, I'm in Michigan ~ My blog http://catsrule2k.blogspot.com/
I am not willing to give up my constitutional freedoms just because I have nothing to hide

Posts: 142 | From: Michigan | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Barbara
Layaway in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by Michigan Girl:
I don't believe the "blood is thicker than water" attitude.

Me neither. By its lights, we should forgive Jell-O everything.

Barbara "shaky premise" Mikkelson

Posts: 2511 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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quote:
Originally posted by Barbara:
quote:
Originally posted by Michigan Girl:
I don't believe the "blood is thicker than water" attitude.

Me neither. By its lights, we should forgive Jell-O everything.

Barbara "shaky premise" Mikkelson

I agree. That's the beauty of being an independent adult - if you can't get along with a family member you don't have to have them as part of your life or at the very least you can minimize contact. You may not need to forgive but you do need to move on! Otherwise the only person you are really hurting is yourself.

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
   

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