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Author Topic: rough week (and it's only tuesday)
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Warning: I just really need to describe all of the drama I'm being enmeshed in somewhere other than my Myspace blog. I tried to write this out in "Letters..." but it wasn't working.

BACKGROUND INFO: Okay. So my boyfriend asked me a few weeks ago how I would feel about not living together once our lease is up. He wants to learn more independent living skills, which is great. I think it's a sign that he's growing up and becoming more responsible. Selfishly, though, I'm bummed about it because I love living with him. We've lived together for two years. Also this means my living situation is pretty up in the air. Will I live by myself? Find a different roommate? Keep living here or more to San Francisco? I'm not very good with uncertainty. So that, in combination with the holidays which feel particularly depressing this year, is causing a base level of anxiety.

On top of that, one of my best friends is having brain surgery (as I mentioned elsewhere on the ULMB) for a pituitary tumor. It is a very common procedure and it is not that big a deal, but I keep having these awful thoughts of her dying or having complications. I am counting the moments until she's done with surgery and recovered enough for me to call her. She's in Orange County so I can't really go visit her.

MAIN POINT: Thirdly, and this is the major one today, is what happened last night. Our apartment-mate, whom I will call T, finished her last final of her last semester of college yesterday, so she invited us out to have dinner and some drinks. I have complained about her several times on this board- I love the girl but she has some extreme self-esteem issues and she seems to need drama in her life. Kind of the opposite of me in many ways.

She had been dating another friend of ours, whom I will call S. Boyfriend and I are pretty close to S, but he has had a lot of issues lately with depression and alcohol abuse. S and T broke up in May because S drunkenly slept with another girl. T proceeded to start dating the one person S begged her not to start dating (not that he has any right to tell her who to date) and she tried to hide it from him until last month, when he found out. They had many all-night crying-on-the-phone conversations about this, and started sort of seeing each other again, but T was still seeing the other guy too.

So last night we all came back to our house after the bar. It was already a little later than I ought to stay up to be properly rested for work, and I was having trouble getting to sleep because of the pre-existing anxiety. I get up for work at 5:30 am, just for background.

Around 12:30 am Boyfriend and I heard yelling and sobbing noises in T's room (which shares a wall with our room). Boyfriend said "What are they fighting about?" and I said "I don't know." and then we heard a ton of crashing, yelling, shit falling on the floor, and both T's bedroom door and the front door slamming. I put on some clothes and went to her room. Her records and all of her bedclothes were strewn over her floor and she was in a heap on the floor sobbing. I tried to comfort her and find out what happened.

Apparently they were fighting about this other guy she's seeing and he started really freaking out, shoved her on the floor, raised his hands to her (not sure if he was hitting her or what, she was understandably unclear), threw all of her stuff on the floor and stormed out. I went out to the living room and a bunch of big framed posters had been thrown on the floor, the coffee table was overturned, and he was (thank the lord) gone. I looked outside for some reason and he wasn't there, so I locked and deadbolted the door. Boyfriend came out and straightened up the living room, and I went and tried to console T some more. We got her back into bed and then we went back to bed.

About ten minutes later we heard pounding on the door. Thinking it was S, I yelled "Don't let him in," but it was actually the cops. I guess our neighbors heard the yelling and called (yay neighbors! really, if he had still been there it would have been awesome to have cops to take him away). Boyfriend and I didn't have to talk to them, and I don't know what T said, but I suspect she might have told them everything was fine or some such. I wish she had told them where he lived. He owns guns. I think after they left he called her because I heard her saying "The cops came and they're going to arrest you if you come back. Just stay there."

I told her he can't come over anymore. I also told her not to talk to him, but it doesn't sound like she's going to heed that advice. I'm so thankful that my boyfriend is not insane, an alcoholic, or violent. This makes me even more bummed that we won't be living together- it's really comforting to have a big strong man around when your roommate's insane ex tries to beat her up.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I want to help S get out of this spiral of depression, but I also don't want him ever to come to our house again.

Sorry this is so long. I really had to get this all out. Thanks for reading. I'm not really looking for advice but if you happen to have some I'll gladly read it.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Algae
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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I don't really have any advice for you, ThistleS, but good on you for being there and trying to help your friend. Ultimately, what to do will be up to her.

{{{{hugs}}}}

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Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive!

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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The only advice I can give is if the creep shows up again, don't wait for the neighbors to call the police, call them, yourself, and press charges. You haven't lived until you've had some jerk back you into a corner and hold a gun under your nose, threatening to kill you, while your little daughter sleeps in the next room. If he owns guns, drinks to excess and has a violent nature, he is dangerous.

Question: Is it possible that your boyfriend is trying to ease out of your relationship by finding another excuse to live apart? I hope that's not the case, but it would seem strange to me after two years for a boyfriend to want to move out for another reason.

**hugs**

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Signora: thanks for your advice. Coming from someone with your background it is good to hear that I should probably not be around him anymore myself. Honestly I have no idea what he will do next.

As for my boyfriend, I asked him if he was trying to gradually break up with me, and he said that if he wanted to break up with me he would just do it instead of pussyfooting around. I believe that he wants to learn more independence- he's never really lived on his own without a female (a girlfriend or his mother) to be his safety net except the year or so that he was homeless (before I met him), so now that he's going to school, working steadily, and generally being a responsible adult, he wants to try adulthood without the safety net. It makes sense in the context of his life but it is kind of a bummer for me. In the long run it will be good for us though.

Thanks for the *hugs*.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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It's a relief to hear that, but I should have known you would have already talked to him about it. After all, you weren't born yesterday! It probably will be better in the long run for him to learn to be more independent since you already are.

Yep, sad to say, I do know what I'm talking about there. It was my first husband, and I was expecting our son. I wish I had filed charges on him but didn't have the nerve. One reason was that back then, it was "Oh, it's just a husband and wife fight. No big deal." Thank DOYC that is no longer the prevailing attitude!

ETA: I hope T will be okay. She must be an emotional wreck. Tell her a nosy old lady you know said for her to stay the hell away from that guy. It'll more than likely only get worse. *hugs for T*

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I really appreciate your advice. You are one tough bird!

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Minor update: T texted me to say she's pretty much okay- she's going out to brunch and we're meeting after work for some therapeutic shopping. S just texted me the word "sorry" and I'm not going to reply.

This is all so strange- really childish and petty, especially with the texting, yet serious and kinda scary. Thanks again for reading, snopesters. It's nice to have fairly objective input.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
quiltsbypam
Happy Holly Days


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Thistles, I'm glad T seems to be ok, and you, too. The one thing I would add to Signora's wise advice is that if you press charges, don't drop them. That will only make S think you can be manipulated. FWIW. And good luck with your living situation. Upheaval isn't fun.

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"No Biblical hell could ever be worse than the state of perpetual inconsequence." Beatrice in Dangerous Beauty

Posts: 1816 | From: Cayuga County, NY | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Thank you, quiltsbypam. As far as I know there are no plans to press charges, but if T decides she needs to go that route I will give her that advice. I don't know that Boyfriend and I could successfully press charges at this stage since none of our stuff was actually damaged.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
snapdragonfly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Thistles, whoa, that's just too much drama for one person to have to deal with at the holidays.

*offers you some cocoa* Hope it all works out for the best for you.

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"Wolves, dragons and vampires, man. Draw the nut-bars like big ol' nut-bar magnets." ~evilrabbit

(snurched because one of my nutbar family members is all about wolves and another one is all about dragons...)(with apologies to surfcitydogdad)

Posts: 2397 | From: Texarkana, TX | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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thanks snapdragonfly. Things seem a lot better today. We're all in agreement that S can never come back to our house, now we just need to get him to stop calling T.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Oh, also, another mutual friend picked up T that same night, brought him to his house, and took all his guns away, so that's a relief. I'm going to give the mutual friend a big hug next time I see him.

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Officially Heartless

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quiltsbypam
Happy Holly Days


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Good deal. T might never have done anything, but it's a relief just knowing now that he can't. Guns and booze really don't mix very well. And here's a peppermint stir stick to go with the hot chocolate...

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"No Biblical hell could ever be worse than the state of perpetual inconsequence." Beatrice in Dangerous Beauty

Posts: 1816 | From: Cayuga County, NY | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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mmmm virgin grasshopper.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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I'm glad to find out that he no longer has guns. That was a frightening thought.

If he shows up again, you can call the police and tell them that you have an uninvited, unwelcome person at your house, and he won't leave. They will see that he leaves.

As for being a tough bird, I've had to be. I told my mother once that I must be pretty weak because I cried so much, and she said, "No, you are not weak. You are strong because you've survived and have kept your sanity." There might be some question about that last bit. [lol]

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Small update: he is using his health insurance to get therapy, and he is going to try to give up both pursuing my housemate and drinking. I spoke to him briefly and he seems disturbed by his own behavior and ready to change. He's still not welcome back at our house though of course.

Thanks again for all the replies. Snopes is an amazing place and you folks have been there for me in a couple of rough spots now. I'm glad to have found this community.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
bthyb
WiFi Christmas


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Glad it's starting to work out, hopefully he'll continue to get the help he needs.

Hugs for you, I'm sure your living situation will resolve itself. From what I've read, you're a pretty tough bird yourself.

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If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.

-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman

Posts: 1475 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
   

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