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Author Topic: 'Crimes' that Deserve Capital Punishment [Tongue in Cheek]
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I order lunch every day for everyone in my office. For everyone who asks me what I'm having, what's good from this restaurant, or who comes up to me while I'm eating to ask how I like it or complain about lunch, the punishment shall be NO LUNCH FOR YOU.

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Officially Heartless

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El Camino
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by DAnnino:
quote:
Originally posted by vfwchick:
quote:
Originally posted by LittleDuck:
Whoever continues to use the trash container in the kitchen, even though it is full, resulting in a cascade of NFBSK on the floor. Your punishment will be going out with the trash. No, I don't mean taking the trash out, I mean being part of it. This is also the punishment for failing to secure the new bag to the container so that half of what gets thrown out ends up on the outside of the bag.

I second that one!!!
Um, folks, if that one passes, I'm going to have to execute my wife and both daughters! [Eek!]

But how true.

I think this is the proper response...
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Cactus Wren
Jingle Bell Hock


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People who walk into a room talking -- who assume that everyone in the room wants to hear what they have to say, and never consider that other people might already have ongoing conversations or be concentrating on other things -- shall be punished with duct tape.

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.” -- Edward R. Murrow

IOToriSparrowANK!

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James D
Deck the Malls


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typing in all lower case letters, of course. why hasn't anyone mentioned that one yet?

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The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - )

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Clarity
Toys to the World


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El Camino, the Brick Testament is the funniest thing I've seen all day. Great link!

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Kevin: Pink Bunkadoo?
Randall: Yeah. Beautiful tree that was. Og designed it. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible.

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TurquoiseGirl
The "Was on Sale" Song


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quote:
Originally posted by Buckleupp:
Local TV station broadcasters who interrupt season finales, playoff games, and other shows to tell us for the ninth time that it's snowing, or to tell us that someone has been shot somewhere but nothing else is known, or that the local triple-A curling team has won a match.

Punishment shall be forced viewing of video of several hours of snowfall in a meadow, to be enforced during the Super Bowl. Punishment shall not be extended to those thoughtful broadcasters who chose to convey the information via a information feed at the bottom of the screen.

KRQE is the worst. "Now, Breaking news! The mayor has a splinter."

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There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe

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NorthernLite
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by James D:
typing in all lower case letters, of course. why hasn't anyone mentioned that one yet?

I DON'T KNOW BUT IT DOES SEEM ODD THAT SUCH A GLARING OMISSION WAS MADE.

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You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. -Blazing Saddles

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NorthernLite
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by James D:
typing in all lower case letters, of course. why hasn't anyone mentioned that one yet?

I DON'T KNOW BUT IT DOES SEEM ODD THAT SUCH A GLARING OMISSION WAS MADE.

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You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. -Blazing Saddles

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NorthernLite
We Three Blings


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oops

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You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. -Blazing Saddles

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Mouse
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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For the society of peoeple who believe using your turn signal is a tool of Satan and/or the communists: Death. Sorry but we really need to get rid of these people.

Anyone who's a jerk to minimum wage slaves: Before anyone butts in about jerk employees, I am referring those who generally gripe and run the poor employee ragged all because "the customer is always right", not understanding that being right doesn't give you the right to be a complete and total douchebag. My punishment in this case is very simple: the two parties will switch places. The jerk will serve the employee, while the employee will get the chance to make the jerk jump through hoops for her.

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"You see? The mysteries of the Universe are revealed when you break stuff." Coop from MegasXLR

"I distrust who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." -- Susan B. Anthony

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LittleDuck
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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To whoever is in charge of those blue screen "This is a test of the emergency alert system" things on the tv, and puts them up at the worst time during a program (the final few minutes when you learn who the killer was, during the ballgame when your team is running towards the goal, and such). I understand the importance of the warning system but there are better times to test it. And testing it twice the same day(the cable wide test, not individual stations)? Is that necessary?

Punishment shall be being locked in a room with a big screen television and surround sound system, the sound turned as high as possible, playing the EAS message and ear piercing beep until offender's ear drums rupture.

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"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie." -Apu (The Simpsons)

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smackmac
Jingle Bell Hock


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RE: implements in clothing
My husband does autobody work and sometimes uses razor blades in his work. When I checked his pocket before putting the work pants in the washer and encountered (thank DOYC) the blunt end of the razor blade, I told him he would empty his own pockets from now on and, if he didn't, anything that fell out was mine. I am about $275 up!

RE: pens in the washer
Each of my boys has cleaned the dryer after they forgot about crayons in their pockets. They have both learned their lesson.

Back OT:
When waiting on the sidewalk for a bus or a friend or the frickin' ice cream guy, those who wait in the middle of the sidewalk, impeding the rest of the pedestrians, should have to work their way from the back of Wal-Mart to the front - without touching another person - on the Saturday morning before Christmas. Should they fail, they start again.

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"Maybe getting in the last word doesn't really mean you win." - The Clarks

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Doug4.7
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Originally posted by smackmac:
RE: pens in the washer
Each of my boys has cleaned the dryer after they forgot about crayons in their pockets. They have both learned their lesson.

I think my #2 kid did also.... [Wink]

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And now for something completely different...

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Minstrel gone caroling
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Morning radio show hosts who spend most of the time laughing uncontrollably at their own jokes should have to spend at least 1 week straight listening to the obnoxious laughter of OTHER morning radio show hosts.

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Last year's goat was burned down by vandals dressed up as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man. They were never caught.
My blog. The Adventures of the Fish O'Thwacking.
Countdown: 177 days (or less!)

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STF
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Minstrel gone caroling:
Morning radio show hosts who spend most of the time laughing uncontrollably at their own jokes should have to spend at least 1 week straight listening to the obnoxious laughter of OTHER morning radio show hosts.

I wish they would punish Bob and Tom this way. I'm glad they're no longer broadcast in Atlanta.

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STF on MySpace

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HelloLlama
Jingle Bell Hock


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The person who designed the new intertwined traffic circles at the US 23 Lee Rd exit shall be forced the ride around in circles on them for all eternity accompanied by Clark Griswold as he repeats "Look kids, Big Ben!" over and over and over again.
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DaphHime
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Drivers who over stop on the white lines for pedestrans and buses that block the walk signal. Drivers of such shall be forced to walk inbetween two lanes of turning cars.

Certian roomates who talk or make dumb comments while other roomate and I are watching TV shall be punished by duct tape. Or having us talk and make dumb comments while she's watching her shows.

People who play their music so it can be heard outside their door will have their steros, radios etc. tossed out the window.

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"I was in one of those rare states where you curse someone else's misfortune."-Rikudo Koshi

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quiltsbypam
Happy Holly Days


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Everyone who drives in the passing lane because it's so pretty, blocking people who actually know where their accelerators are, shall have their vehicles repossessed. Said vehicles will be returned with an anti-governor, which will move the vehicle into the break-down lane and shut the vehicle off when their owners go below the speed limit.

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"No Biblical hell could ever be worse than the state of perpetual inconsequence." Beatrice in Dangerous Beauty

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Manic Soprano
Deck the Malls


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Truck drivers heading for the Canada/US border blocking the last intersection before the customs plaza, because they couldn't be bothered to wait one more light.

I say the punishment should fit the crime and they should find themselves 6 vehicles back at a green light, while a truck blocks the intersection.

Also, truck driver who do not note the signs that say "Trucks use middle lane" and drive in whichever lane suits them. They should find themselves behind an idling vehicle, while the passing lane contains a solid line of cars.

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Tally ho with a bing and a bong and a buzz buzz buzz!

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Mosherette
Deck the Malls


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People who arrange to pick up an item of furntiure from your house and don't show up at the appointed time. Or the next appointed time. Or the next one!



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Silence should never under any circumstances be construed as agreement. A lot of the time, it's simply a reflection that someone just said something so stupid that no response could possibly do it justice. - Ramblin' Dave

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TurquoiseGirl
The "Was on Sale" Song


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People who get drunk and let their dogs run loose on the coldest night of the year, to be found the next morning by a mild-mannered scientist on her way to work, who just happens to work with someone who recognized the dog.

They should be made to sleep outside all night with nothing to eat but some cheese that the aforementioned scientist and her friend the administrator found in the fridge.

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There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe

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Hans Off
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Look I can understand the objections to loud music in cars and music that can be heard outside of the room/vehicle that they are in... But can I raise a motion for Led Zeppelin? If someone is not playing it loud enough to be heard elswhere then they should be condemmed to be reincarnated as John Bonham's Bass drum skin.

That is all.

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"British English speakers point to Americans adding more syllables so that they can make even more noise without actually saying anything." Llewtrah


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MaxKaladin
The First USA Noel


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People who take up more than one space in the parking lot. I'm willing to give the benfit of the doubt to eople who end up close enough to the line that it inconveniences me but still remain in one space. The ones I'm talking about are the ones who can't even manage to fit their car in one space. Sometimes they're crookedly pulled in with one wheel and it's obvious the owner just couldn't be too bothered to park straight. Sometimes it's a nice car very carefully and purposely parked exactly in the middle of the two spaces to ensure that nobody's car is close enough to accidentally scratch their precious paint job.

The punishment shall be to be chained to their car as it sits there in the parking lot for the next 24 hours. During this time, they shall be required to offer a sledgehammer to each person who comes along. Said people are allowed to use the sledgehammer to smash up the offending vehicle as much as they wish. The offender is required to watch.

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ottercreek
The First USA Noel


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People who come to the United States, voluntarily, and day after day, in every situation, relentlessly and unreservedly tell everyone how bad things are here and how much better things are "where I come from" or "in my country we would never..." SHALL be placed on a catapult and flung, over the ocean, in the general direction of their utopian country.
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Gerard Morvan
Deck the Malls


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Those young (I suppose they're young) morons who spent their time talking out loud (even shouting) in the entrance hall of the building I live in (on the ground floor), until almost 2 AM. Especially when I have pulled a double shift at work (which means up at 5 am, and back home at 8pm) and went to bed early so I could recover.

Related, those (probably same) morons who throw garbage on what passes for my front lawn. Last saturday night, they even threw a bicycle over the edge!

Of course, I won't do anything violent against them. One reason is that one murder in the neighbourhood was one murder too much already.

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"Kentoc'h Mervel !"

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EeyoreCorbie
I Saw Three Shipments


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People who like to mess with parking lot "vultures". Just becouse someone dosen't have a handicap card dosen't mean they can walk a long ways. For you I have your choice of punishments.

  • You must park in the very back and then carry in two sick small children in the rain while you have the flu just to get some medicine.

    or
  • You must park in the back and walk in while 9 months pregnant and on crutches.


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It sure is bright in the dark future.
"He carries his anger around like a dead skunk."
Ignorance is sad. Willfull ignorance is bad. Willfully spreading ignorance is evil.

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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Those who defend parking lot vultures.

Mocking in my mind.

That is all.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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LittleDuck
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
Those who defend parking lot vultures.

Mocking in my mind.

That is all.

I secodn this, though my punishment is for the defender to have to sit, trapped, behind an endless line of vultures, unable to go around for variety of reasons, as, one by one, the vultures wait, then park, wait, then park. And then, finally get to park, get out of the car and have a parking vulture bump them with their car because they weren't watching pedestrians in their zeal to get to a potential parking spot (which also has happened).

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"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie." -Apu (The Simpsons)

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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People who park their shopping trolley in front of a display whilst they go further down the aisle to get something else.

It's even worse when they see you moving their trolley to get an item and they say, 'Oh, sorry. We didn't realise.'

No you're not and yes you did.

Their punishment? Stand with thirty items in a 'ten item or less' queue and when they get to the front are told to go to the next check out.

(I'm surprised I joined this thread as I am not normally a moaner.)

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Andrew, Ware, England

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LittleDuck
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Andrew, next time, move their trolley futher away. It usually makes steam come out of their ears [Wink]

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"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie." -Apu (The Simpsons)

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EeyoreCorbie
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:
Originally posted by LittleDuck:
quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
Those who defend parking lot vultures.

Mocking in my mind.

That is all.

I secodn this, though my punishment is for the defender to have to sit, trapped, behind an endless line of vultures, unable to go around for variety of reasons, as, one by one, the vultures wait, then park, wait, then park. And then, finally get to park, get out of the car and have a parking vulture bump them with their car because they weren't watching pedestrians in their zeal to get to a potential parking spot (which also has happened).
Do you make exceptions for parking lots where there are no spaces? Where, in order to park, you must wait for someone else to leave? I think the bigger offence is to purposfuly confuse others and sit in your car not moving just so someone can't park in your spot.

I understand the frustration of being stuck behind someone who's waiting for a spot when there is one open two down, that is penalty worthy. I also find it frustrating when I just want to leave and I'm stuck behind a line.

Generally I don't mind walking or not getting a spot in the very front. At those times I drive staight to the back and park. However, there are times when I just can't walk that far, when my hip and knee hurt so bad all I want to do is take strong drugs and cry, when the kids are sick and it's raining, but I still have to go to the store.

I guess my point is this, you don't know if the person waiting has a very good reason for being a "vulture" or if they are just lazy. Maybe a little concideration is in order. Maybe those lines for spots might be shorter if people just got in their cars and out of the spots as quickly as possible instead of trying to piss off someone with the audacity to want to park.

--------------------
It sure is bright in the dark future.
"He carries his anger around like a dead skunk."
Ignorance is sad. Willfull ignorance is bad. Willfully spreading ignorance is evil.

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bufungla
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by EeyoreCorbie:
People who like to mess with parking lot "vultures". Just becouse someone dosen't have a handicap card dosen't mean they can walk a long ways. For you I have your choice of punishments.

  • You must park in the very back and then carry in two sick small children in the rain while you have the flu just to get some medicine.

    or
  • You must park in the back and walk in while 9 months pregnant and on crutches.

quote:
Originally posted by LittleDuck:
quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
Those who defend parking lot vultures.

Mocking in my mind.

That is all.

I secodn this, though my punishment is for the defender to have to sit, trapped, behind an endless line of vultures, unable to go around for variety of reasons, as, one by one, the vultures wait, then park, wait, then park. And then, finally get to park, get out of the car and have a parking vulture bump them with their car because they weren't watching pedestrians in their zeal to get to a potential parking spot (which also has happened).
I cannot help but be reminded of the scene from Me, Myself and Irene where a young, athletic man quickly pulls into a handicapped spot and bounds out of his car and into the store. Jim Carrey's character immedaitely sets to smashing said car with a sledgehammer, only to be interrupted by the man trying to help his elderly, slow-moving grandmother into his now half-demolished vehicle.

buf 'all generalizations are always bad [Wink] ' ungla

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"Pardon him. Theodotus: he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature."

George Bernard Shaw, Caesar and Cleopatra

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LittleDuck
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by EeyoreCorbie:
]Do you make exceptions for parking lots where there are no spaces? Where, in order to park, you must wait for someone else to leave? I think the bigger offence is to purposfuly confuse others and sit in your car not moving just so someone can't park in your spot.

I understand the frustration of being stuck behind someone who's waiting for a spot when there is one open two down, that is penalty worthy. I also find it frustrating when I just want to leave and I'm stuck behind a line.

Generally I don't mind walking or not getting a spot in the very front. At those times I drive staight to the back and park. However, there are times when I just can't walk that far, when my hip and knee hurt so bad all I want to do is take strong drugs and cry, when the kids are sick and it's raining, but I still have to go to the store.

I guess my point is this, you don't know if the person waiting has a very good reason for being a "vulture" or if they are just lazy. Maybe a little concideration is in order. Maybe those lines for spots might be shorter if people just got in their cars and out of the spots as quickly as possible instead of trying to piss off someone with the audacity to want to park.

A vulture is one who waits, even if there are other available spaces. If it's a small lot, no spaces, of course I try to get gone in a hurry. A vulture is some0one who does it IN SPITE of available spaces, just because they want to be closer.

As for those who may need to park closer from physical liabilities, then they need to get handicapped plaques. My mom did and though she was in a wheelchair it took a long time, so I know from that. I myself have arthritis in both knees, have since I was thrown from a horse as a kid but I will park far away to avoid the vultures closer to the store.

It seems there's maybe a lack of communication and understanding here. a vulture is a diffferent beast from anything else in the parking lots.

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"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie." -Apu (The Simpsons)

Posts: 2026 | From: 10 miles South of Boston | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
EeyoreCorbie
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:
Originally posted by LittleDuck:

A vulture is one who waits, even if there are other available spaces. If it's a small lot, no spaces, of course I try to get gone in a hurry. A vulture is some0one who does it IN SPITE of available spaces, just because they want to be closer.

As for those who may need to park closer from physical liabilities, then they need to get handicapped plaques. My mom did and though she was in a wheelchair it took a long time, so I know from that. I myself have arthritis in both knees, have since I was thrown from a horse as a kid but I will park far away to avoid the vultures closer to the store.

It seems there's maybe a lack of communication and understanding here. a vulture is a diffferent beast from anything else in the parking lots.
[/QUOTE]

I see, and yes I agree with you. I guess my frustration from cruising the lot looking for any spot only to come across someone with their backup lights on who just sits there, only to leave as soon as I go past because a line was forming.

I drive a small car and am often parked between two large trucks and backing up, even with all care and caution is often blind and dangerous because I can't see beyond their cars. I appriciate vultures. If one is sitting and waiting for me to back out I know they're blocking all other traffic. (This does not mean i'm not still careful) There have been plenty of times where, if I hadn't been going very slow, I would've been creamed by someone speading down the rows because they're down shopping.

While I hate being stuck behind one, I appriciate when someone waits for me to back out, especially if they don't even want to park there.

So the moral of this rambling is, be conciderate of the other drivers around you. (although, if people actually did that, we wouldn't have this very amusing thread and we'ld have to pick something else to complain about. [lol] )

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It sure is bright in the dark future.
"He carries his anger around like a dead skunk."
Ignorance is sad. Willfull ignorance is bad. Willfully spreading ignorance is evil.

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quiltsbypam
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by LittleDuck:

A vulture is one who waits, even if there are other available spaces. If it's a small lot, no spaces, of course I try to get gone in a hurry. A vulture is some0one who does it IN SPITE of available spaces, just because they want to be closer.

As for those who may need to park closer from physical liabilities, then they need to get handicapped plaques. My mom did and though she was in a wheelchair it took a long time, so I know from that. I myself have arthritis in both knees, have since I was thrown from a horse as a kid but I will park far away to avoid the vultures closer to the store.

It seems there's maybe a lack of communication and understanding here. a vulture is a diffferent beast from anything else in the parking lots.

While I agree that a vulture is something different, it's not always an option to get a handicapped plate. Some days I'm pretty spry; other days any movement (including breathing) hurts like crazy. I'm just not eligible for the plates. But some days, I have to park closer.

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"No Biblical hell could ever be worse than the state of perpetual inconsequence." Beatrice in Dangerous Beauty

Posts: 1816 | From: Cayuga County, NY | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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