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Author Topic: confusion, rejection, communication woes
bthyb
WiFi Christmas


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Yesterday was my friend C's birthday, so a bunch of people met up at a bar to celebrate. An ex-band member of mine M was there, someone that used to be a close friend of mine before we had a falling out - not over anything specific, more over personality differences and pushing each other's buttons.

That falling out was not band-related - however, the band breaking up was a rather big negative thing in my life. I had formed this band, it was all girls and we had never played before we started this band.

If you've never been in a band, it's something like having a girlfriend-type relationship with 3 other people. And when it ended, it hurt just as much, if not worse, than the breaking up of some relationships I've been in.

G was also in this band, and she is currently with C. C started playing bass, my instrument, while I was in NJ, and they formed a band while I was gone.

So last night M and I talked for a while and everything was great. Then I found out that M was now in C and G's band - she's playing guitar and taking singing lessons so she can sing for them.

When I had moved back to LA, I had mentioned wanting to play with C and G. I had talked to C about how cool it could sound to have 2 bass players, and I had actually come by and jammed with them once and sang.

When I came by (with D, the now hubby) to jam that time, we both felt uncomfortable. We didn't know the third band member, J, that well at the time and we felt like she didn't want us there. Anyway, I sang and came up with some new stuff and thought it had gone well.

So yesterday when I find out that M is now in the band I felt awful. I started a band with M and G, and now they have another band and I'm not included. I felt rejected.

So I talked to G - she said she didn't think I was interested in being in the band. [Eek!] She said she didn't hear me express interest after that time I had come by to play with them.

Frankly, I wasn't about to beg them to let me play with them, and I figured it was a try-out situation and that they'd let me know if they wanted me to come back. I was pretty sure I had expressed interest in being a part of things - now I'm wondering if I had expressed interest to C and J, but not to G.

I think there's something wonky going on with the communication between C and G and myself. Other than this band thing, there's been two things recently (Thanksgiving, and a trip to Vegas) where I thought D and I had plans with C and G, only to find out they had made other arrangements when I called C.

I asked G about the Vegas trip last night (C had mentioned about us all going a few months ago, and then about 6 weeks ago I mentioned it again to see if it was still happening. I found out last weekend that they were going over Christmas, when my parents would be in town, and were planning on going just themselves.). She said that she didn't think I wanted to go on the trip because I didn't seem that intersted when we spoke last about it.

So I'm really unsure about what to do know. I know I need to have a talk with G and C, but I'm not really sure what to say, and I really don't understand what's been occurring. I don't get why G's just assuming I'm not interested in things without communicating with me, or whether C and her make new plans, and then she justifies stuff for herself. I've known G longer than C by several years, and frankly I blame C for at least part of this miscommunication, as I tend to communicate more with her because she answers her phone, while G often won't.

Anyway, it felt good to write that, and maybe someone will have some insight that I don't on this whole thing.

--------------------
If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.

-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman

Posts: 1475 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Seaboe Muffinchucker
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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It sounds like you come across as expressing interest tentatively.

Stop dropping hints and get detailed. Don't say "that sounds good, we should do it." Say "That sounds terrific, when can we all do it?"

If you still get the "I wasn't sure you were really interested" response, then maybe they were just being polite in asking.

Seaboe

--------------------
Education is not the filling of a hard drive, but the lighting of a bulb. -- Yeats via Esprise Me

Posts: 5562 | From: Seattle, WA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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Sounds like you need a bit of clarity there. The best thing is to ask C & G for it.

If this was happening to me, I'd decide to express some really clear interest in spending time with them / joining in with the band on a couple more occasions, and see how that goes. I'd also be definite about not giving examples of times I'd felt excluded, so that it didn't come across as an accusation.

If it went well, then problem solved. If I still got the "didn't think you'd be interested," I'd be better off spending my time with other people.

Good luck, anyway. I can understand how you would feel excluded on the band thing, but don't beat yourself up about it without giving it another chance first.

Posts: 1157 | From: Westcountry UK "It's Bootiful" | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
   

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