snopes.com Post new topic  New Poll  Post a reply
search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hello snopes.com » SLC Central » Rantidote » Cheating Friend

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Cheating Friend
Binxi
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


Icon 15 posted      Profile for Binxi     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I get to post my very first rant. Forgive me if it's slightly incoherent as I'm posting on about three hour sleep after a very big night out.

Background story:

My BF and I have two friends who are engaged, "John" and "Jane".

John has been engaged once before when he was much younger. His previous fiancee broke up with him because he was too young for it and took her for granted. He's since done a lot of growing up and is a completely different person.

Jane is his fiance and they have been together three years and engaged for eight months. Because John is scared of losing another girl, he pretty much lets Jane do whatever she wants while he gets jumped on for putting a toe out of line. There is a severe case of double standards going on in thid relationship.

When Jane and I go out we'll often go out and chat and dance with other men if our partners aren't with us. I'll have a joke around and a flirt with them- letting them know I'm off limits but just having fun anyway. Jane forgets to set the boundary and while I think she flirts way to much, she'd never done anything wrong.

Last Friday we went out together and met up with a bunch of mates (male) and were just drinking and mucking about together. I left early and she stayed there with "Brian" and the rest having a few more drinks.

We went out again last night to the local Karaoke bar after a few drinks at home. We left the boys at home (they had to work- so did I and I'm feeling a bit worse for it today!). We get to the bar and Brian is there with his mates. He and Jane start talking and I peel off I start chatting to other people. An hour or so later I asked one of the bouncers there (a friend of mine) if he's seen Jane. He takes me upstairs to where the couches are right at the back in the darkness, and there is Jane and Brian pashing on. [Mad] This wasn't an oops, we accidentally kissed, this was gee we'd be getting our clothes off and getting it on if we weren't in a public place.

I didn't say anything to her at the time but I really just wanted to go up and punch her! John is the nicest guy, sometimes a bit of a doormat because he's afraid he's going to lose her and she's out slutting around like this!

To make things even better, John and Jane fly out to Europe in ten days for five weeks.

Question: What do I do?

I was drunk when I got home and I told my BF what had happened. He's really close mates with John and wants to tell him what happened. I think he should know but it's just the worst possible timing in the world.

Help me wise Snopesters! (sorry it ended up being longer than I intended but I had to get it out)

Posts: 45 | From: South Australia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


Icon 1 posted      Profile for GenYus   E-mail GenYus   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I'd tell John.

--------------------
IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

Posts: 3694 | From: Arizona | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Errata
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Errata   E-mail Errata   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Thats a tough situation. I agree with you that it sounds like the worst time to tell him, yet I'd want him to know if I were his friend.

Whatever you do, you're going to be the bad guy. You'll be the bad guy for telling him, and you'll be the bad guy if you just ignore it. If you kept the secret he may never know that you knew and didn't tell him, but keeping secrets long term will eventually affect friendships too. If you tell him, he may irrationally resent you for it, even if he thinks he'd want to know, and if they don't break up over it, it could end up meaning you can't hang out with either of them anymore.

It sounds like you only know Jane through John. Do you care about his friendship more than hers, or are you really friends with Jane equally? Because you're probably going to have to sacrifice being friends with Jane if you want to intervene. If you're prepared to risk that, you could talk to her instead of him and suggest that she talk to him about it or your BF will.

Posts: 2018 | From: Santa Barbara, California | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Jocko's Jolly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jocko's Jolly   E-mail Jocko's Jolly   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I would also recommend your BF telling John. It would be better coming from him, as he's John friend and all. But you and he should be prepared to have Jane deny the whole thing, accusing you of lying, being drunk or whatever. And having John believe her, at least initially. My sister went through a similar thing when BIL cheated on her. He denied and she thought the girl telling her (BIL's best friend's GF) was just being a beeyotch (well, she was, but not in relation to this particular incident). Sis chose to believe BIL over the friend's GF. Until The Other Woman #1 (TOW1) called her and took her over to TOW2's house where BIL and TOW2 were caught in flagrante delecto.

There are several possible permutations here, you need to prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome, but it's ultimately up to you and your BF to decide what's the most palatable to you and your conscience(s):

(1) You don't say anything and continue the friendship with John, which requires pretending like things are fine when you're all 4 together.

(2) You don't say anything and break off the friendship with John because you can't stand pretending.

(3) You tell John and he believes you but chooses to give Jane another chance, which requires you to give her another chance as well (this is doable, but not easy, our family went through this when sis decided to work things out with BIL -- I'm still not through forgiving him, and it's been over 10 years).

(4) You tell John and he believes you and breaks things off with Jane and is insanely grateful to you for preventing him from another mistake.

(5) You tell John and he believes you and breaks things off and mopes about depressed that he's had another heartbreak.

(6) You tell John, Jane denies it and he chooses to believe her, effectively turning his back on you, since she will not want anything else to do with people who try to sully her good name.

Good luck, I'm not trying to be negative, I'm really not, but I went through this with sis and it's not pretty no matter which side you're sitting on.

--------------------
Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe

Posts: 2211 | From: Harford County, MD | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Roadie     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Errata:
If you're prepared to risk that, you could talk to her instead of him and suggest that she talk to him about it or your BF will.

I think one of the horsemen just thundered by. I agree with Errata. This would be my first step.

--------------------
"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

Posts: 2658 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Barbara
Layaway in a Manger


Icon 504 posted      Profile for Barbara   Author's Homepage   E-mail Barbara   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I think Jane should tell John, not you nor your boyfriend. Jane's and John's talking about this should come about after you've had a chat with Jane in which you help her figure out why she was snogging Brian. This is a gal who is supposedly in love with John and planning to marry him. So why was she necking up a storm with someone else? And I mean that not in a "You horrible hussy; how could you do that to a nice guy like John?" way, but in a "You're planning to marry one guy but were getting down and dirty with another - don't you think you should be examining the possibility that deep down in your heart you recognize that John's not the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?" way.

John and Jane need to talk. But not just about her carryings on in the bar that night; they need to talk about far larger matters, such as how they honestly feel about one another and about the idea of them being by each other's side for the next fifty or sixty years or so.

Barbara "marriage ain't for the faint of heart" Mikkelson

Posts: 2511 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Simply Madeline
The First USA Noel


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Simply Madeline     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Are you absolutely sure that they have an exclusive relationship?
Posts: 763 | From: Chicago | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Paulie Jay
O Little Down-Payment of Bethlehem


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Paulie Jay     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I would tell John immediately. He's already getting the rough end of a dud bargain.

Then I would tell Jane what I think of her.

--------------------
All the way with Paulie Jay

Posts: 476 | From: Sydney, NSW, Australia | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
MissEltoe
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


Icon 1 posted      Profile for MissEltoe     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
If you were my friend I would want you to tell me. Admittedly, I might be sad, even angry at you for telling me, but I would want to know if I was getting played.

Honestly Barbara is right, though. Jane should be the one to tell him. If nothing else, maybe you should talk to Jane about talking to John. (Does that make sense to anyone but me?)

--------------------
Licorice of the Lord! This is classy stuff...Should I be wearing a tie? Or, at least, pants?
~I'mNotDedalus

Posts: 975 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Ms. Kringle
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ms. Kringle     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Jocko's Jolly:
I would also recommend your BF telling John. It would be better coming from him, as he's John friend and all. But you and he should be prepared to have Jane deny the whole thing, accusing you of lying, being drunk or whatever. And having John believe her, at least initially. My sister went through a similar thing when BIL cheated on her. He denied and she thought the girl telling her (BIL's best friend's GF) was just being a beeyotch (well, she was, but not in relation to this particular incident). Sis chose to believe BIL over the friend's GF. Until The Other Woman #1 (TOW1) called her and took her over to TOW2's house where BIL and TOW2 were caught in flagrante delecto.

[slight thread hijack] Caught him in flagrante delecto? Holy NFBSK. I don't know what I'd do in that situation, maybe beat the living Jeebus out of my husband? [/slight thread hijack]

I would tell John. I've been the messenger fitted for a target before, and I'd rather tell him and let him decide what to do, instead of allowing Jane to go on doing whatever she wants, and possibly bringing home unintended consequences, in the form of a disease, a stalker, a pregnancy...you get the idea.

--------------------
Beware corporate zombies! They will purchase your brain on E-Bay!

Posts: 2310 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Errata
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Errata   E-mail Errata   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Barbara:
I think Jane should tell John, not you nor your boyfriend.

Well yes, but given the circumstances, Jane might turn out not be as emotionally mature and grounded as one might hope. Having a talk with her could result in her epiphany and a realization that she needs a big honest discussion with John. But thats kind of a long shot. More likely she doesn't and he finds out about her with yet another person later, after investing even more in the relationship.

Thats why you go into the conversation prepared for part 2, the part about how you let slip what happened to the BF that night, and you think he might say something to John, and wouldn't it be a good idea for her to confess first.

Some people just won't leave a relationship based on their own doubts, they want to move straight into another somewhat mature relationship, so they'll cheat until they have the next one ready. If that happens after the marriage, it will be quite a bit less convenient for John.

Posts: 2018 | From: Santa Barbara, California | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Finite Fourier Alchemy
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Finite Fourier Alchemy   E-mail Finite Fourier Alchemy   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Errata:
quote:
Originally posted by Barbara:
I think Jane should tell John, not you nor your boyfriend.

Well yes, but given the circumstances, Jane might turn out not be as emotionally mature and grounded as one might hope. Having a talk with her could result in her epiphany and a realization that she needs a big honest discussion with John. But thats kind of a long shot. More likely she doesn't and he finds out about her with yet another person later, after investing even more in the relationship.

I'll bet a nice shiny Internets that, once cornered, Jane will tell John a story of Binxi cheating on BF, so that if/when BF tries to tell John about her infidelity, John will be led to believe Binxi made up the story to hide her own transgressions.

(Why do I keep writing "Biloxi"?)

If you can't even wait to get married before you start cheating on the other person, I can't imagine what sort of dishonesty lies down the road.

Really, if Jane wants to be the one to tell John about what she's doing, she should have done so before she got caught. I have no sympathy, and I'd be surprised if this is her first infidelity. People never get caught the first time. Or the second. Or the third.

No sympathy.

--------------------
Thinking about New England / missing old Japan

Posts: 2603 | From: Virginia | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Barbara
Layaway in a Manger


Icon 504 posted      Profile for Barbara   Author's Homepage   E-mail Barbara   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Finite Fourier Alchemy:
(Why do I keep writing "Biloxi"?)

Chalk it up to a sudden attack of the blues.
Posts: 2511 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Friends of Alfred
The First USA Noel


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Friends of Alfred   E-mail Friends of Alfred   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I agree with Barbara that Jane should tell John. Howvere if this seems unlikely to happen, for whatever reason, for God's sake dont let John marry her without knowing what is going on. It is a lot easier to extract yourself from a relationship before you get married.

--------------------
There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Posts: 735 | From: Manchester, UK | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Monster Joe
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Monster Joe   Author's Homepage   E-mail Monster Joe   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I think that the chance that Jane will tell John is slim, at best.
I've been on the bad end in a cheating relationship, and I resented my best friend (who knew about it) for not telling me. I understand he was afraid I wouldn't believe him, but I still felt betrayed by two people instead of one...

If I were in this situation, I'd talk to John.

--------------------
You're saying "Long Live Rock n Roll!" not "Let's go home and drink a beer"

Posts: 43 | From: Belgium | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Monster Joe
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Monster Joe   Author's Homepage   E-mail Monster Joe   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I think that the chance that Jane will tell John is slim, at best.
I've been on the bad end in a cheating relationship, and I resented my best friend (who knew about it) for not telling me. I understand he was afraid I wouldn't believe him, but I still felt betrayed by two people instead of one...

If I were in this situation, I'd talk to John.

--------------------
You're saying "Long Live Rock n Roll!" not "Let's go home and drink a beer"

Posts: 43 | From: Belgium | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
pirateslife
Deck the Malls


Icon 1 posted      Profile for pirateslife   Author's Homepage   E-mail pirateslife   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I've been on the clueless end of a cheating relationship, too, and I really resented the people who didn't tell me. Especially since some of the people he was cheating with were supposed to be my friends. If you sleep with my boyfriend, I'd rather you tell me so I know that neither one of you really cares about me. One of the girls continued trying to be my friend, and even after all I'd been through, I was too nice to say, "I'm sorry, you got pregnant with my boyfriend, how does that make us friends?" I just avoided her and lived happily ever after (so far) with the wonderful man I started dating 20 days after I found out that I'd wasted my time on a cheating bastard. *sorry 'bout that, end mini-rant*

OTOH, a friend and coworker, Matt, would not believe at least 6 people telling him that his fiance was cheating on him. He just wouldn't listen. We all (in our group of friends) knew; at least half of us tried to tell him, but he went ahead and married her anyway. Divorced less than two years later- I don't know exactly how long their marraige lasted, but he was a handsome, loyal, fun guy who married a girl who only cared about her instant pleasure.

--------------------
If the world were logical, men would ride sidesaddle. -Mama

I won't ask "Am I weird?" because that ship sailed long ago. -Kahuna Burger

Posts: 394 | From: Memphis, TN | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Lady Moon
Jingle Bell Hock


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Lady Moon   E-mail Lady Moon   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Barbara:
quote:
Originally posted by Finite Fourier Alchemy:
(Why do I keep writing "Biloxi"?)

Chalk it up to a sudden attack of the blues.
Horrible pun, but thank you for the well-needed laugh!

Lady *giggly* Moon

--------------------
"We've got a fifth member of the band round here, and he's DEFINITELY out of tune!" -- Keith Moon

"If I had a thousand quid for every time I've introduced this song --- oh, I do!" -- John Entwistle

Posts: 584 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Cat Grey
Happy Holly Days


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cat Grey   Author's Homepage     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Let me start by saying that there are no good answers to this situation. You'll have to make your best judgement based on the personalities and relationships involved.

"Jane" has put you in a position where you have to betray someone: either her or John. Since she's the one who's actively doing Something Wrong - and thereby put you in a bad situation - I don't think you owe her anything.

Also, not only is there is no good solution, there also isn't any gentle way to handle it. Whatever you (and/or BF) decide to do, it's going to have to be definite. Either decide never to mention it, or confront John or Jane directly. Dancing around the issue will only make it worse.

My recommendation would actually be that you send BF to say, "I believe Jane has been cheating on you. Binxi came home last night and said she'd found Jane making out with someone on a couch in the club. Binxi wouldn't make something like that up, and I doubt she was mistaken. So... I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but you deserved to know." If John asks why Binxi didn't tell him herself, BF can say: "We thought you'd be less likely to freak out if you heard it from me."

Admittedly, this is the emotional equivalent of dropping a hand grenade in someone's lap: no telling where it might actually go off. Unfortunately, a gentler approach would be like trying to tear a bandage off slowly: it only adds to the discomfort.

Barbara's solution does offer a possible escape, but (as others have pointed out already) it's something of a gamble. If it doesn't go just right, then not only is Jane mad at you, but she also has time to think about excuses, denials, and alibis. Still, if everyone involved is a reasonable adult, it could allow you to avoid playing the Bad Guy.

Also... if you ever run into this situation again, I recommend that you do go hit Jane in the back of the head. Then storm out without answering any questions. It would probably have saved everyone a lot of angst.

Cat "violence is therapeutic" Grey

--------------------
"Beer assuages grief. No one tells you that." ~Arrow-Tech IV

Posts: 1612 | From: Darkest America (Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas) | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Purple Iguana   Author's Homepage   E-mail Purple Iguana   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I had a slightly similar situation in college. Not entirely identical, tho.

My friend, I'll call her Laura, was cheating on her boyfriend with a mutual friend of ours, I'll call him Wes. (Names changed for privacy and all that.)

Now, in college, a bunch of us would get together for coed sleepovers, but they were just that... a bunch of friends getting together and happenning to sleep in the same place that night. No hanky-panky. Being that it was a dorm room, this often meant 4-6 people cramming together on two twin beds because the floors were NFBSKing hard.

So the middle of one night, I get jostled and find Laura and Wes making out. Given that I am generally the kind of person who will allow one major f**k-up per person before getting in the middle of things, I was allowing for the fact that maybe they were both having a sexy dream and it was an oopsie.

But then it happened again... and again... and one time I saw as Wes made no attempt to be discrete about sliding his hand down the collar of her shirt. And one time, Laura told me about how they engaged in oral, and he was so enthusiastic that he didn't just want to make sure she climaxed, he wanted her to be exhausted from it.

Okay, so yeah, by this time, I've told her like a ZILLION times that she needs to either break it off with her boyfriend or break it off with Wes, because it was a BS situation and a truly despicable thing of her to do. She gave me the sheepish ducking of the head and said something like, "Well yeah, but they both have qualities that I like. I want to just take the good qualities and put them together to make the perfect boyfriend." I told her such a thing was impossible, and her ducking the issue didn't do much for her moral credibility.

I think what finally got through to her was the day when I said to her, "I nearly called your boyfriend last night to out all this crap... only I didn't know his last name and couldn't look him up in the campus directory." She went white as a sheet.

Now... she still associated with Wes after that, so I can't say with 100% certainty whether they broke it off or whether they just made more of an effort to hide it from me. But Laura told me that she talked with her boyfriend and told him everything. Go figure, they're married with 2 kids now!

So... I dunno, but your Jane and John need to have a big talk about this. John deserves to know what's going on behind his back. How you approach that to be as tactful as possible... I dunno the best way to advise you there. But it has to come out sooner rather than later. Just imagine if it comes out after they've been married for 5 years. Do you and your BF want to be confronted by a betrayed John, "You KNEW all this time and you never SAID anything?"

--------------------
They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

Posts: 2486 | From: East Stroudsburg, PA | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Lydia Oh Lydia
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Lydia Oh Lydia   Author's Homepage     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
I had something sort of similar happen.

I met and became friends with "Molly" while in school. Soon thereafter, I met her husband "Bill." I was certainly more friends with Molly than with Bill since Molly and I went to school together.

After graduating from school, Molly and another friend from school ("Debbie") came to visit me in my new apartment. (Bill was out of town for his job and at this point in time, Molly and Bill had been married for several years. They were going through some problems mostly related to his job schedule.). So, the school friends go out. We eat dinner, go to a couple of bars.

At one point in the last bar, I say "where's Molly?" Debbie and I find Molly totally wasted and making out with Random Dude(TM). Molly tells us she's going home with Random Dude! So, all of a sudden, Debbie and I lose our respective buzzes. Debbie takes Molly aside to talk to her while I proceed to tell Random Dude to leave her alone, she's married, she's not going anywhere, etc. In the end, Random Dude went back to the bar and the three of us headed back to my place.

After that, I considered telling Bill. But, the behavior was so out of character for Molly. Instead, I talked to Molly, asked her why she did that, and suggested that she talk things over with Bill. I don't think she ever told Bill what she did. (And Molly never talked to or saw Random Dude again). It's 7 or so years later and Molly and Bill are still married.

So, what should you do? Maybe you should have a discussion with Jane and be frank with her about your concerns. If this was a one time thing, maybe you let it slide. If it happens again, that's a different situation entirely.

ETA: Also, maybe Jane views cheating differently pre-marriage than you do. I had another friend, "Karen," who cheated (at least in my view) on her fiance a few times before they got married. Once she got married, she's been totally faithful to her husband. I think just due to a different view on what is acceptable before and after marriage.

--------------------
"My name is the symbol for my identity and must not be lost." Motto of the Lucy Stone League.

Posts: 1815 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Auntie Witch   Author's Homepage   E-mail Auntie Witch   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
There is a compromise: "You tell him, or I will. You have X days."

That way, Jane is given an opportunity to tell John, but if she doesn't, he will be told by someone.

--------------------
"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
Myspace about my mom, kids

Posts: 3289 | From: Missouri | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


Icon 1 posted      Profile for LeaflessMapleTree   E-mail LeaflessMapleTree   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Auntie Witch:
There is a compromise: "You tell him, or I will. You have X days."

That way, Jane is given an opportunity to tell John, but if she doesn't, he will be told by someone.

As has been mentioned, this can lead to Jane finding time to think up an alibi, so that when her time is up and you do tell John, she's all ready with an "explanation". IMHO, if you saw it happen firsthand, meaning you are 100% sure that you know what happened, just go straight out and tell John (or have BF do it).

--------------------
"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Jocko's Jolly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jocko's Jolly   E-mail Jocko's Jolly   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Ms. Kringle:
quote:
Originally posted by Jocko's Jolly:
I would also recommend your BF telling John. It would be better coming from him, as he's John friend and all. But you and he should be prepared to have Jane deny the whole thing, accusing you of lying, being drunk or whatever. And having John believe her, at least initially. My sister went through a similar thing when BIL cheated on her. He denied and she thought the girl telling her (BIL's best friend's GF) was just being a beeyotch (well, she was, but not in relation to this particular incident). Sis chose to believe BIL over the friend's GF. Until The Other Woman #1 (TOW1) called her and took her over to TOW2's house where BIL and TOW2 were caught in flagrante delecto.

[slight thread hijack] Caught him in flagrante delecto? Holy NFBSK. I don't know what I'd do in that situation, maybe beat the living Jeebus out of my husband? [/slight thread hijack]

I think the fact that BIL and TOM1 and TOM2 were all in law enforcement is the only thing that stayed her hand -- it's hard to hide three bodies, even more so when the entire police force is out looking for them! I had just started dating DH when this all happened, and we were all so devastated, BIL was definitely the sort that you would think "would never do that." But he did -- for over 5 years! Both families were (and are) extremely close, so it was a very difficult time. Sis found out who her friends really were. I told DH at one point, "I'm not as forgiving as my sister." I don't know how she did it, even with kids in the picture, I just don't think that's something I could get over and move on from. But, as my mom said, you never know what you're capable of unless you're in the situation yourself.

--------------------
Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe

Posts: 2211 | From: Harford County, MD | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Binxi
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Binxi     Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Thanks for all of your replies guys.

Sorry I posted and ran but my hangover caught up with me on Friday at work and I left shortly after posting this (no computer at home).

I had considered confronting Jane with what happened. But knowing this girl, I wasn't sure if she'd use the time between me telling her and John finding out (from whoever) to come up with a cover story.

John and my BF had been friends when they lived in another town four years ago and then we found out we were living in the same town earlier this year. Jane and I met the night we first caught up with them. I hang out with Jane more than John but only because when we get together it's normally boys hang out in the shed, drink beer and talk cars and the girls are sitting in the house drinking wine and talking shoes. Even so, I probably get along more with John than Jane. If I had to choose a side, my loyalties would lie with John, probably because of his longer friendship with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend got home from work Friday afternoon, and asked me to repeat what I'd told him when I got home the night before (not totally sober at the time). I told him again and he said that he wanted to go around and see John and tell him.

Apparently there were details with John's last breakup that I wasn't aware of. His last fiance also been cheating on him and it was only six months after they broke up that he found out. After he found out, all his mates told him they knew it had happened but they didn't tell him. Understandably, he was pretty peeved about the whole matter apparently.

My BF went round and told John what I saw, he said he felt like an absolute dog for telling him, but didn't want the same thing to happen as last time. John was angry but thanked BF for not letting him find out from some other random person (which could easily happen in a town our size). John went home to talk to Jane about it and we didn't hear anything until Sunday.

Sunday was Jane's birthday, I called around about lunchtime to give her gift but they weren't home. I left the present on her doorstep with a note to give me a call. A couple of hours later I got a message on my phone:

"Thankyou. I don't think I deserve a present from you. I'm sorry I've made things so shit for everyone" (insert appropriate number replacement for words etc).

I rang her back and they're talking about things and working them out. I'm glad to hear it. I really didn't want them to break up, I just couldn't see them every week and pretend that nothing happened.

The trip to Europe is still on as well which is a good sign! (or they just didn't want to lose the money on their deposits and flights....)

Posts: 45 | From: South Australia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
gnome
Deck the Malls


Icon 1 posted      Profile for gnome   E-mail gnome   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Lydia Oh Lydia:
ETA: Also, maybe Jane views cheating differently pre-marriage than you do. I had another friend, "Karen," who cheated (at least in my view) on her fiance a few times before they got married. Once she got married, she's been totally faithful to her husband. I think just due to a different view on what is acceptable before and after marriage.

I know this isn't how you think, but I must call BS on the whole concept. It's not about the behavior, or what the "rules" of marriage or pre-marriage are. It's about the deception. She's allowing him to believe she's being exclusive when she isn't.

I'm no saint. I've been the "Other man" involved with someone else's cheating once or twice when I was younger, though I've never cheated on one of my own lovers. But, I wouldn't say it was right or acceptable.

Posts: 418 | From: New Port Richey, FL | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Magdalene
Happy Holly Days


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Magdalene   E-mail Magdalene   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
In my experience....there's no right or wrong answer. My former friend "Ann" had a fiance who had cheated on her, she found out that people had known and hadn't told her, and she was furious that nobody had told her.

So she starts dating "Scott". Scott turned out to be a cheater too--he attempted to cheat on Ann with both myself and another friend of ours. We both told Ann. She blasted us for being jealous that she had a boyfriend and we didn't. (Which didn't make sense in and of itself--at the time I was on a dating streak where I'd been dating five guys in the space of three months, and she'd been teasing me about it just a few days before.)

So she's mad when people tell her, and she's mad when they don't.

So things were chilly between Ann and us, until Ann caught Scott cheating with some other girl. They broke up. She apologized and said she should have listened to us. We thought all was well.....then Scott apologized and they started dating again. We avoided him. She screamed at us again for being jealous. He cheated and got caught, they broke up again.

When they started dating for the third time.....the other friend and I told her to go to hell, we didn't have time for her junior-high school nonsense anymore. They got married. She catches him cheating on a regular basis.

*shrug* People say they want to know, but I'm not so sure they do.

Magdalene

--------------------
"Don't mess with me. I dance with swords."

Posts: 1656 | From: Colorado | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


Icon 1 posted      Profile for Purple Iguana   Author's Homepage   E-mail Purple Iguana   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
Some folks have suggested giving Jane a deadline to come clean with her fiance. Binxi says that she'd probably just use that time to come up with a good explanation/excuse. But I'm thinking Jane could well be using THIS time NOW to be coming up with that good cover story, so it needs to come out to John ASAP... if it hasn't come out already.

--------------------
They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

Posts: 2486 | From: East Stroudsburg, PA | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


Icon 1 posted      Profile for GenYus   E-mail GenYus   Send new private message       Edit/Delete post   Reply with quote 
John's been told. Check Binxi's post from 4 days ago.

--------------------
IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

Posts: 3694 | From: Arizona | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post new topic  New Poll  Post a reply Close topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Urban Legends Reference Pages

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2