posted
Dear Cardinal, Please stop attacking the window. I know you probably think your reflection is another bird, but it isn't. However, thanks for sticking around long enough for me to spot you- it's nice to know where the thumps were coming from.
The girl behind the glass
Dearest husband, I don't want you to have game Friday. I want to stay home and watch a movie and cuddle. It has been a long while since we've done that. You promised me a movie for my birthday, and I never got it. I haven't gotten much time to spend with you, and I will be back at school before you know it.
Love, Me
Dear landlord, Painting linoleum is a really bad idea. It was tacky when DH got home, and stuck to his shoes. Now the downstairs looks worse than before.
BTW, we want the electric in our bedroom fixed. I am now looking into rent escrow. I thought you would get it done, but the fact you were painting linoleum instead of fixing our electric, our broken windows, or painting the unpainted wall you never finished, shows me that you don't care. Maybe not getting rent will make you care.
Neener neener, One of your many tenants
-------------------- Whereas as you are dancing happily in the fields of ignorance through which the stream of stupidity bubbles and flows. -BlushingBride My my space. Posts: 656 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jul 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Raven Waift: Dear Cardinal, Please stop attacking the window. I know you probably think your reflection is another bird, but it isn't. However, thanks for sticking around long enough for me to spot you- it's nice to know where the thumps were coming from.
The girl behind the glass
Dear Raven Waift,
use some sellotape to stick a piece of tinfoil to the outside of the window so it can fly in the wind. The movement and the reflections will make the bird(s) stay away.
Don Enrico
-------------------- My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling, but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places. - Pooh Bear Posts: 2209 | From: Hamburg, Germany | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Dear Weather, Rain! Rain in Minnesota! In December! Why do you do this to us? It's going to freeze tonight, and make getting anywhere a right bitch. Please, please go away, and bring some snow in! Oh, and while you're on the way out, could you notify MnDOT to start sanding the roads now? Thanks much! Ladyknight
-------------------- Triumphs cannot be given. They must be taken, and the worse the odds, and the fiercer the resistance, the greater the honor. -- A Civil Campaign, Lois McMaster Bujold Posts: 638 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Hey Guys, Have you noticed that I'm actually the receptionist? I'm not in the compliance or accounting departments. However, the hotlines for those departments are readily available. Therefore, I would be most grateful if you would stop asking me complex questions about your healthcare plan, withholdings, W2s, and so forth. I really know nothing about them! Thanks, The girl who gets you your coffee
-------------------- Officially Heartless Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Raven Waift: Dear Cardinal, Please stop attacking the window. I know you probably think your reflection is another bird, but it isn't. However, thanks for sticking around long enough for me to spot you- it's nice to know where the thumps were coming from.
The girl behind the glass
Dear Raven Waift,
use some sellotape to stick a piece of tinfoil to the outside of the window so it can fly in the wind. The movement and the reflections will make the bird(s) stay away.
Don Enrico
Dear Raven Waift,
You can also put brown paper on the inside of the glass to stop the reflection. But be warned. I did that once and scared myself silly, whatever that means, when I tried to look out the window during a tornado warning and couldn't see out the window. Only excuse is I was rather stressed at the time, so I forgot the paper was there, and it was dark with no light on in the kitchen.
SDD
-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by AnglsWeHvHrdOnHiRdr: Dear Husband's Ex-Wife/Mother of My Step-Children:
Lady, ya best pull your head out of your fat ass with a quickness, because my inner sista is moments away from losing her shit all over you.
It is not your wedding; you've had two. Let K have hers, you psychopathic, narcissistic asshole.
Dear AnglsWeHvHrdOnHiRdr:
K's learning to put her foot down regarding her mother's interference is part of her growing up process. By saving her from her dragons, you delay her learning how to do that for herself.
Barbara "best wedding present you can give her is her independence" Mikkelson
I totally agree with that. I think K's handling her mother beautifully, but it has been hard on her (K). I would love it if her mother would just not be an ass about everything and let K enjoy this time to plan the wedding she wants.
And I don't ever say anything at all to the girls' mother. I am afraid I would experience some diarrhea of the mouth, unable to control what comes out of it. So I pixel little notes to her here every once in awhile.
-------------------- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."--George Bernard Shaw Posts: 19266 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Jun 2002
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-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Dear Anglrdr, Maam, it is with my sincere gratitude that I am not on your short list.
quote:Lady, ya best pull your head out of your fat ass with a quickness, because my inner sista is moments away from losing her shit all over you.
Your bestist pal, Rangerdog
-------------------- Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish Posts: 2036 | From: Virginia | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Dear Weather, Thank you! The rain has now turned to snow. I appreciate your prompt attention in this matter. Could you still tell MnDOT to sand the roads please? Thanks! Ladyknight
-------------------- Triumphs cannot be given. They must be taken, and the worse the odds, and the fiercer the resistance, the greater the honor. -- A Civil Campaign, Lois McMaster Bujold Posts: 638 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Holy hailstones, ladyknight, you got some major mojo working here!
Ranger "Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow" Dog
-------------------- Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish Posts: 2036 | From: Virginia | Registered: Jul 2002
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I guess you were feeling left out, but really, the headache and neckache are quite enough. You didn't have to join in too.
I'm "two tents" 20th Century Fox
-------------------- When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. Posts: 1765 | From: Greensboro, NC | Registered: Aug 2003
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Thank you for making me laugh. I've seriously been lacking in the belly-laugh department lately. I never thought NASCAR could be so funny. And the bloopers at the end, I almost cried from laughing.
~Grateful not-really-a-fan but getting there *****
Dear NASCAR,
You do realize he was making fun of you all? And you played along either from ignorance or an actual sense of humor. I find it hard to believe the guys have a sense of humor when you all fine drivers for stupid reasons. But still, thanks for letting the studio make that movie.
~NASCAR widow
-------------------- "Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?"~Pearl Forrester MST3K Die-Hard Engineers, Big Red One my Dad's website "Must be a 'snopes' thing..." ~my entire family when I try to explain something. Posts: 4524 | From: South of Madison, Wisconsin | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Dear whoever-you-were at my daughter's school today;
An elementary school is not an appropriate place to distribute Chick Tracts. Granted, the fact that you even HAVE Chick Tracts makes your judgement as to what is appropriate highly suspect. It is fortunate that I did not see you scattering them over the lunch tables. It is fortunate that "The Greatest Story Ever Told" is probably the ONLY Chick Tract that isn't incredibly offensive. Nothing that man commits to paper is appropriate for school children.
Sincerely, The woman who ignored her pulled muscle to gather them all up and throw them away.
-------------------- "He feeds the sparrows of the field, but He doesn't sit there and cram worms into their mouths." -- Mouse Posts: 396 | From: Pasadena, CA | Registered: Jan 2006
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Sweet ass move there sending my sister a message on the dating site where you met my mom.
Telling my mom you loved her and were coming to the states this month to meet her wasn't bad enough. She invested a lot of emotional energy on your stupid ass....I assume because you were telling a great bullshit story. You are a worthless bastard.
-------------------- Ralphie, get off the stage sweetheart. Posts: 2041 | From: Yuba City, California | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote:Originally posted by ThistleSoftware: Hey Guys, Have you noticed that I'm actually the receptionist? I'm not in the compliance or accounting departments. However, the hotlines for those departments are readily available. Therefore, I would be most grateful if you would stop asking me complex questions about your healthcare plan, withholdings, W2s, and so forth. I really know nothing about them! Thanks, The girl who gets you your coffee
Related ... Dear interviewers: I am not the receptionist. I also am not your boss. Your actual boss has her own extension, and she checks her voice mail dependably. Please stop calling my extension with matters where I'm of absolutely no assistance to you.
-------------------- "Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy Posts: 3572 | From: St. Louis, MO | Registered: Sep 2003
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I swear to God, if you go out of town this Christmas and leave my eight and a half months pregnant cousin at home alone, there will be pain. In fact, I doubt there'd be any power on earth that would stop the males in my family from hurting you. Very badly.
On the upside, I guess it means you'll already be at the hospital when W has the baby.
Chicky
-------------------- So many people are hung up on achievements. What did you do today? What are you planning? Sometimes, just getting through the day is an achievement in itself. Posts: 256 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Sep 2005
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Hey. You. Yeah, you. You deliberately ran my husband off the road, and then deliberately aimed down at his driver side door, and accelerated. If he hadn't see you, you would have gone straight through his door and he'd be in the ICU right now. Happily enough he saw you and accelerated himself, and you just crushed in the trunk and tore off the rear bumper. Oh, and laughing the whole while, including when the police showed up? Bad idea. And our witness, who is willing to testify? Oh, we also have the sound of your impact on the 911 tape. You'd better believe we're pressing charges.
The pissed off wife.
-------------------- Katesune: We still can't find the way to albuquerque, and glisp won't stop to ask for directions. Glisp42: Of course not. I know where I'm going, I just don't know where I am right now
No idea. He pulled off the shoulder and was looking down at his lap, so DH went to pass him, and he merged right back into him. DH managed to swerve because the person next to him saw what happened and slammed the brakes so he could get in. DH honked at him, and the guy flipped into road rage overdrive, apparently. For about three miles he alternated between trying to hit DH, and trying to make DH hit him. DH called 911, the sound of the collision is on the 911 tape. We should get the full police report tomorrow. I wasn't with him, I was at work. Happily I have an understanding boss who told me I could leave again less than an hour after clocking in, and even offered to drive me to the hospital. Luckily DH only sustained some internal bruising.
-------------------- Katesune: We still can't find the way to albuquerque, and glisp won't stop to ask for directions. Glisp42: Of course not. I know where I'm going, I just don't know where I am right now
No idea. He pulled off the shoulder and was looking down at his lap, so DH went to pass him, and he merged right back into him. DH managed to swerve because the person next to him saw what happened and slammed the brakes so he could get in. DH honked at him, and the guy flipped into road rage overdrive, apparently. For about three miles he alternated between trying to hit DH, and trying to make DH hit him. DH called 911, the sound of the collision is on the 911 tape. We should get the full police report tomorrow. I wasn't with him, I was at work. Happily I have an understanding boss who told me I could leave again less than an hour after clocking in, and even offered to drive me to the hospital. Luckily DH only sustained some internal bruising.
Glad your DH is okay. Smart chap to get to "damage" recored., Mega {{{{Vibes}}}} to you both
-------------------- Focus On The Family- An opinion group who think more about Gay Sex than gay people do- Rick Mercer Posts: 590 | From: Rawdon, Quebec | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Oh... just, wow LadyLockeout, more of those {{{vibes}}} your way. I hope they nail that psycho bastard and you all get a nice piece of money from him. Doesn't take away the utter terror you both had to go through though... thank DOYC he's ok.
Dear mice-
Ok, I've written to you before a couple of times already, but enough is enough. How many of there could there possibly be? I know my fluffybutt has killed about six, found one that succumbed to the bait, and two caught in traps. Just now I went to throw something in the trash can under the kitchen sink and I saw a mousiebutt scurry off. YOU AREN'T WELCOME.
-------------------- "There is a race between mankind and the universe. Mankind is trying to build bigger, better, faster, and more foolproof machines. The universe is trying to build bigger, better, and faster fools. So far the universe is winning." -Albert Einstein Posts: 1058 | From: Yakima, WA | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Dear S, We broke up about six months ago, and I was (and still am) happier than a clap than I am no longer with you and putting up with your narcissistic crap. So why today, when I saw that you were in a relationship, did my heart skip a beat? I mean, I'm in a new relationship myself! Stop making me feel bad about myself and my love life. Please. I haven't even seen you in a half a year and it's still going on.
Not yours anymore, Me --- Dear M, Thank you for everything you do for me. You're one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and I'm so lucky to be with you. You're also very, very cute, and the fact that you're "all talk until someone messes" with me, and you even admit it, makes you even more lovable. You treat me like a princess...even to the point of people commenting how much of a gentle man and a "Prince Charming" you are. How in the world did I get so lucky?
Lots of love, Teddy Bear --- Dear College, I can't wait to move onto campus and be an RA for you guys, I really can't, but do I really have to buy a whole new parking permit for $50, when I already paid $85 for a commuter's parking permit? That, plus books, a brand new meal plan, and all of my dorm accessories...Ouch, man. Just ouch.
Sincerely, Your newest Resident Assistant
-------------------- - ChildofMusic
"Music is one of the fairest and most glorious gifts of God." -Martin Luther Posts: 231 | From: Somewhere up in Pennsylvania | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Originally posted by ChildofMusic: Dear College, I can't wait to move onto campus and be an RA for you guys, I really can't, but do I really have to buy a whole new parking permit for $50, when I already paid $85 for a commuter's parking permit? That, plus books, a brand new meal plan, and all of my dorm accessories...Ouch, man. Just ouch.
Sincerely, Your newest Resident Assistant
If they won't let you trade one in for the other, see if they'll let you sell the commuter permit. Some colleges will let you do this OK.
-------------------- Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe Posts: 2211 | From: Harford County, MD | Registered: Oct 2005
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You rock. Seriously. You know I'm forbidden sugar by my doctor, and you went out and bought me sugar-free candy for my stocking, instead of saying "tough luck, I'm not buying sugar-free candy for one (fellow) employee." Thank you!
kitap, who will be thanking S in person
*******
Dear C,
Do I really seem like I am a 'cutesy' kind of person? No offense but I already gave part of that horribly cutesy gift to someone else...for their 7-year-old niece.
Sincerely, cutesy-less kitap
-------------------- "I have never in my life been more disappointed by a politician I voted for than I have been with George Bush. He is a total liberal."- overheard by me on the shuttle to the U of A game on Nov. 11th. Posts: 3878 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
Dear work, Any chance you'll let us go early today? My husband's office let him go already, and kiddo's only got a half-day of school today. It'd be nice if we could all get a jump-start on the holiday! Your grateful employee, Loyhargil
Dear kid still in beta, Ooooh, you're being nice and letting me eat Christmas chocolates without getting sick(er)! Your big sister didn't do that! That's very kind of you! Love, Mama
-------------------- Bender: Oh cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee. Posts: 1170 | From: Iowa | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Dear Baby Dragon, We're going to the doctor in a few hours. I hope she can figure out why you don't feel well. I'm hoping you don't still have that ear infection, but you might. That and the tummy bug would explain your crankiness these past few days.
Please just hang on a few more hours. I promise that between Dr. C and I, we'll make you better. I don't like you being sck, I feel useless
Oh, andplease eat something. Even a few sips of Pedialyte. I'd feel better knowing you're getting at least something.
Love, Mommy
Posts: 255 | From: New York | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Dear Jocko's Jolly, The actual permit is a sticker that goes on my back window, with a bar code attaching it to my car. You need a razor blade to get it off. Unfortunately, that makes it impossible to sell. Still grateful for the suggestion, ChildofMusic
-------------------- - ChildofMusic
"Music is one of the fairest and most glorious gifts of God." -Martin Luther Posts: 231 | From: Somewhere up in Pennsylvania | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Dear old house, You are beautiful. We did our part with the fresh, more neutral paint job, the miscellaneous repairs, and the new double-oven and microwave hood. It pained me to leave your glory, and please know I never would have abandoned you were it not for my dream job.
Now, though, could you do your part and please sell all freakin' ready? After nearly six months, we're tired of paying two mortgages and two sets of utilities. With the little one on the way, the money tied up in you would go to far better use finishing off the basement for extra space and equipping a nursery. So please, hurry it up. Love, Loyhar *are we really the only ones who think of you as the best house ever?* gil
Dear "Flip This House" groupie, You've come in with a stupidly low offer, lowered it two months later, and insulted all of the hard work we've put into that house. Do you realize we could continue to pay our current mortgage for the next THREE YEARS waiting out this buyers' market, and STILL clear more than your outrageous offer? And contrary to your near-psychotic assertions, the house is in great condition. Your claims otherwise, using the assertion that its failure to sell prove you right, neglect to take into consideration NO house is selling in that area right now. Your bravado and intimidation may work from time to time, but yeesh, you must think us real morons or really desperate. We are neither. Annoyed, Loyhargil
-------------------- Bender: Oh cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee. Posts: 1170 | From: Iowa | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Loyhargil: Dear kid still in beta,
Cute!
-------------------- This used to be the life, but I don't need another one. MyBandwagon Posts: 3254 | From: small town Texas | Registered: Jan 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Loyhargil: Dear kid still in beta,
Cute!
Yep, and seeing how I'm involved with computers, I was thinking this gave a definite twist to some of the phrases I'm used to, such as:
"Feature Freeze" (and echoes of mom telling us that if we keep doing that, our face will freeze that way)
"Bug Reports" Altho something tells me Loyhargil won't be finished with those even after the kid is out of beta
I don't know that I want to even touch the topic of "Uploading/Downloading"!
GB
-------------------- "It matters not, the size of dot, what colour skin, or paper thin; What matters more, to set the score; the heart within, and spirit kin." PLH 2006 Posts: 25 | From: Burbank, CA | Registered: Aug 2006
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Thank you! Being married to a self-proclaimed IT geek, it seems the natural designation. Although I will admit, the use of that particular phrase was inspired by this. Although I think beta is more appropriate in my particular pregnancy context than the onesie's.
Being gamers, we're also considering investing in this and this.
-------------------- Bender: Oh cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee. Posts: 1170 | From: Iowa | Registered: Aug 2004
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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
Dear agent at the box office:
Thank you for spending 10 minutes with me looking for the best ticket for Wicked. Front row, centre for that show was beyond amazing.
Canuck
Dear cast of Wicked:
You guys were awesome! What an experience the show was!
Canuck
Dear cheap seats:
I'm so through with you. You just don't do it for me anymore.
Canuck
-------------------- People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril) Posts: 8429 | From: New York run by the Swiss (Toronto) | Registered: Mar 2005
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You ladies ROCK. I mean, seriously R.O.C.K.!!! Having the idea to adopt a family instead of exchanging gifts? Great! Putting out a donation jar so the clients could chip in if they wanted? Wonderful! Dipping deep into your own pockets to give this family easily the BEST Christmas they've ever had? Brilliant! The look on the woman's and her kids' faces while we filled up their minivan and gave her the extra cash was the best Christmas present we could have given ourselves.
Next year, we start even earlier. We could probably get ten times the cash if we put the jar out at the beginning of the month -- but $100 in three days is not bad at all. Thank you clients, as well. You, too, rock!
[For all you Snopesters, we gave them a (used) TV in addition to over $1000 worth of clothes, toys, grocery gift cards, Target gift cards, a baby swing (theirs just broke) and some cash. And we still have more donations pouring in from clients. They live right on the way to my parents' house, so I'll probably stop by on the way up on Christmas Day and drop off the final amount. I am totally amazed!]
Love, the Front Desk Manager
ETA: There are 12 of us in the salon, so that's a phenomenal turnout!
Dear Flu Gods,
Get. Away. From. My. Kids. You better have a 24 hour life. You better be gone come tomorrow. There are no presents for you under OUR tree. Only coal for you. Now go far, far away!
Love, the Mommy/Doctor of the house
Dear Sweetie,
You are the best husband in the whole world! I know I tell you this and you just say some version of "Well, duh, it's my job!" But when you step up and help out it means the world to me. You could have gone on into work today and left me to tell my boss that I couldn't make it on what is easily the busiest day of the year (the Friday before Christmas), but you only thought about it for half a minute then said you'd stay home with the boys. And staying home with the kids tomorrow so I can go to the Christmas party? Another brownie point for you! I'm just sorry I couldn't find a sitter for the kids. I like it when you can go out with me, too. And the girls at work STILL haven't met you! And now that THEY love you too (they admit they're helpless without someone manning the desk)....Let me know when you want to cash in all those brownie points you've earned!
Still in love 15 years after we met, Me
-------------------- Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe Posts: 2211 | From: Harford County, MD | Registered: Oct 2005
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