posted
Firstly I'd just like to point out that the main point of this rant is to let me get things straight in my head. If anyone has advice or comments, I'd be glad to hear/read them, but mainly this is so I can put things down in print. I've been married for about 18 months now, been in the relationship for about 3 years previously, and am deeply in love with my wife. The problem is that I've not got the slightest clue whether this marriage will last or not. I knew when I met her, as she admitted, that she had issues to do with trust and can have panic attacks when forced to interact with people. And I've tried to be supportive, but she either ignores my offers, suspects them to be traps (like when I offered to let her stay at home when I went to visit my family, she assumed it was a test and came anyway) or ends up crying because she feels guilty about herself. For the last year or so she's been distancing herself from me, to the point where even a simple hug or a kiss is something that she'll avoid, and I really don't know what to do. I'd consider divorce, but I really do love her, and I'm fairly sure that she still loves me. I've suggested therapy or counselling, for both of us, not just her, but she refuses, which I can understand as it'd be a stranger to panic about and someone who she'd have to tell things to. Really though, I'm out of ideas. I can't see this relationship lasting and I hardly think of it as "our" relationship now, as she seems to be either ignoring it or assuming that I'll just be here forever. Sorry for the long-windedness and general unaimed quality of this but it's not an easy thing to coherently focus emotions into words.
-------------------- Do the weetabix ask such questions? I think not! Posts: 76 | From: Lytham, Britain | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I am somewhat similar to your wife, I think, though not to the same extreme. I do have some problems with trust, which was a problem at first with my husband. I don't like to interact with people much, either, and I still feel like my husband only comes to visit my family to make me feel guilty if I don't want to visit his (although I am pretty sure this is not true).
I finally built up the courage to talk to my doctor about these insecurities and also about some anxiety and depression issues. Paxil has really made a difference for me; I am more relaxed and worry less. You can't force her to ask for help, though; she has to be ready. It took me four years.
I don't know what other advice to give, other than what you have probably already heard. Talk to her, assure her of your love, help her to trust you by giving her no reason to doubt your trustworthiness, etc.
I will probably think of more advice later.
-------------------- saxea ut effigies bacchantis prospicit eheu | prospicit et magnis curarum fluctuat undis -Catullus Posts: 435 | From: Iowa | Registered: Mar 2006
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I would definitely recommend couples counseling for the both of you, and possibly some one-on-one counseling for your wife. My initial thought was "Wow, maybe these folks should take a break from each other," but before that thought was even fully formed, I started making a list of why such a thing would most likely cause some kind of nuclear meltdown.
What I would recommend is to try to get her to talk to you or... if she has difficulty composing her thoughts on the fly in a conversation, suggest she keep a journal of how certain situations make her feel and how she reacts to some things. Have her be as honest as possible. Then ask her to share this journal with you. Let her know that there will be no kind of judgment or ridicule or anything of that sort. You are simply trying to understand her better so that you can be more sensitive about not putting her in situations that cause her anxiety or possibly help her deal with her anxiety.
Share with her about things/situations that you have a similar reaction to. Let her know that you are not trying to minimize her stress or anything like that. You're just sharing something with her. And everyone has weaknesses. It's not a fundamental flaw or anything... but it's also important to not be consumed by it, or else you will eventually be unable to function at all.
But at the end of the day... and it is up to you to figure out the best way to say it... if you have bent over backwards to try to reach out to her and she has not done a damn thing to try to meet you halfway, you have to decide if this is something you want to commit to for the rest of your life. I mean, I'm sure you took her for better or for worse, in sickness and in health... but you never said you'd beat your head bloody against a brick wall.
However, this statement is not license to you or anyone to just give up when the going gets tough. If you love her, do EVERYTHING you can to help her though these troubles. If you succeed, you will never regret it.
-------------------- They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius
If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing. Posts: 2486 | From: East Stroudsburg, PA | Registered: Oct 2005
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If your wife won't try couples counseling yet, I think you should try counseling alone. The counselor might be able to give you some ideas. Also, once you've been going for a while, you might convince your wife to go as a couple.
-------------------- "My name is the symbol for my identity and must not be lost." Motto of the Lucy Stone League. Posts: 1815 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jul 2004
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I've tried to talk to her about things, but she ends up going to bed and crying rather than speaking. I don't put pressure on her to talk, just ask if she wants to, but that's enough to upset her. I think counselling sounds like a good idea, it'll just have to wait for a few weeks, until I get into the routine of my new job. Which, incidentally, seems to be causing problems for her too as she now needs to take responsibility for our daughter (her daughter, my stepdaughter really) and has to take her to school herself, and interact with the other parents there. I'm not going to give up on her if there are still options, it's just hard to see them myself.
-------------------- Do the weetabix ask such questions? I think not! Posts: 76 | From: Lytham, Britain | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I agree with Lydia, if your wife won't go to therapy, you should. The very fact that you're considering leaving means there are issues that need to be addressed. Someone who knows what they're doing (a therapist) would be better able to steer you in a good direction. Good Luck.
-------------------- "Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie." -Apu (The Simpsons) Posts: 2026 | From: 10 miles South of Boston | Registered: Oct 2002
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Kal, I'm so sorry. I do think counseling would be a good idea, for you and also for your stepdaughter, if you can make that happen.
How isolated are the three of you? Is there any extended family? If so, could any of them be a resource to help persuade your wife to get help, or to support you and your stepdaughter in dealing with her problems?
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I'll second the idea of your wife considering some medication (Paxil, Prosac, etc.) Hubby suffers from depression/anxiety. I've seen him both off & on medication & the difference it makes is amazing. He's also a big fan of this book. It teaches the reader to try to use cognitive therapy to adjust their outlook on things. But of course, you can't make her do any of this.
Unfortunately, aside from counseling, I can't think of much that you can do on your own to improve the situation. Reading the book yourself might help to bring you closer to understanding her state of mind. Speaking from someone who was in a similar position, it's incredibly difficult to love someone who has depression or anxiety issues...especially if they don't want to do anything about it. Panic attacks & the like are things that I don't think anyone can ever understand unless they have those issues themselves.
When she gets upset at your suggestions, try to emphasize that you only suggest these things because you want her to be happy, not because you're trying to "fix" her. She may see your efforts to help in that light, despite all your loving support.
Best of luck to you & your family.
-------------------- "I reject your reality and substitue my own!" - Adam Savage, Mythbusters Posts: 411 | From: Indiana | Registered: Dec 2005
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