posted
Maybe I'm getting tame in my old age, but my FIL embarrassed the living hell out of me last night, and from past experiences has no intention of stopping anytime soon.
So we go to a local BBQ place last night for FIL's birthday. I wasn't too keen on going--had a bunch of stuff to do, but we went anyway. Firstly, FIL complained about having to- gasp!- buy his own first beer! Secondly, the entire dinner conversation consisted of talking about titties, vaginas, and dicks--loudly. If a waitress or another patron walked by who looked nice, he would ogle, and say comments like "look at the tits on her!" Keep in mind there are little kids around with their families. People were turning and giving us dirty looks everytime he would make one of his comments. I was ready to crawl under the table, and everytime I'd express my discomfort his excuse would be that it's been a long time since he's been laid and can say whatever he wants.
The last straw came during the few minutes that he wasn't talking about sex. Actually, that involved sex too--he was talking about how our daughter would probably have firm titties when she got older, like "Grandma"--DH's MIL. He also inquired if we had picked out any baby names yet. While we were talking about it, the girl behind us (she was about 20-something) turned around and asked us why we were calling her name. Yes...her name was the name we picked out. And sadly, yes...her and her family probably heard every last bit of FIL's boisterous conversation--titties, vaginas, and all.
Maybe the conversation would have been more at place at a Hooter's, but for Chrissakes' this is a family restaurant! Short of duct tape, is there any way to make someone like this shut up? The sad part is this was after only three beers...
mrs.hi-c is mortified
-------------------- This song has no title...just words and a tune.
posted
Wow, the conversation about how firm your daughter's breasts would be really makes me uncomfortable. I hope this guy will never be alone with your daughter. And I hope you don't have to be around him yourself too often.
-------------------- Officially Heartless Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by mrs.hi-c scaredy cat: Short of duct tape, is there any way to make someone like this shut up?
Leave*. This especially works if he drove seperately.
*After paying the check
ETA: It sounds like he has been this way for years. If that isn't the case and this type of behaviour is relatively new, you might want to suggest he see his physician.
-------------------- IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan Posts: 3694 | From: Arizona | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
A really charming fellow. I wonder why it's been "so long since he got laid."
-------------------- "Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people." Posts: 997 | From: Maidstone, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Ahh.. gotta love those uncomfortable comments.
My grandfather in law is the same, only instead of talking about titties and the like, he talks about how stupid his grandson (my husband) is. If you figure out how to handle this I would love to hear it. His family seems to have his head in the sand about this situation.
And make no mistake, he knows exactly what he is doing, and is probably reveling in the fact that he can successfully manipulate you.
Posts: 69 | From: Renton, WA | Registered: Oct 2006
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Has he always been this vulgar with "family" conversation?
-------------------- Licorice of the Lord! This is classy stuff...Should I be wearing a tie? Or, at least, pants? ~I'mNotDedalus Posts: 975 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Your DH needs to put a stop to it before you go near FIL again. He needs to lay ground rules of what the two of you deem unappropriate behavior and that his father seems to think it is ok to act this way in front of you. Once he can tell him to lay off the crude behavior, a small warning (that will be followed through) of keep this up and we will leave. Period. If you brought him, call the waitress over, settle the bill, leave the establishment and take him home.
It is time to put control of the situation back in your hands and put a stop to the inappropriate behavior when he is around you and SO waaaay before any of your children come into the picture.
-------------------- I swear, it was funnier in my head. Yeah, I used to be pink. vanilla_pink. Posts: 2493 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2003
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Forgotten Fay
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales
posted
if anybody... ANYBODY commented on how my young/unborn child would/should have "firm titties" I would LITERALLY punch them to their ass and tell them they are not welcomed in my Life.
-------------------- "Smile for me when I cannot Smile anymore..." ~ Myself Posts: 174 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Ditto to what Fay said, I can't believe that a grandfather would say something so sexual and innappropriate about his future granddaughter. Just... ew.
I'm feeling very lucky that I'm going to have a FIL who would never say things like that. My sister's FIL is a bit of a homophobe and uses words like "fag" and "queer" around her kids and it drives her nuts. I've no idea how I would deal with being in a situation like that, nor have I any advice for you mrs. hi-c. I can only offer sympathy and tell you that you are most definitely not getting tame in your old age. I would hope most anyone would react with equal distain to such a situation.
-------------------- "That would be really dangerous, you know. Indiscriminately extricating someone from the petrified corpse of a supernatural creature." - My Husband Posts: 4308 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Yep, I echo Fay's sentiments. Ew. Wrong. Warning bells.
-------------------- "For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any." -Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
That is not appropriate conversation at all. Ever. And I think I need a shower. Eeeeuuuuuugh.
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Yep. Ewww. I've walked out of family gatherings for less, even if it meant waiting in the car. If this is going to be the norm around him, some ground rules definitely need to be laid. (Or maybe you could arrange for him....nahh.)
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
How old is this, ahem, gentleman? And seriously unless you are worrying about losing out on a sizeable inheritance there shouldn't be a next time. If your husband can't deal with his father and shut his dirty mouth for him then you need to make sure you are never out in public with this man again. Ever.
And I really would never ever let him near any future daughters of yours
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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posted
Okay, I'm not able to be nice this time. Slap the crap out of the old (_!_)head and take him home. Wait! Take him home and then slap the crap out of him. Don't want to cause another scene in the restaurant. And, keep him the hell away from your child(ren). It's hard to stay completely away from family members, but it can be done. Your husband could just check on his father occasionally to be sure he's not ill. As already mentioned, if this behavior has just started, somebody needs to contact his physician.
-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
And this isn't even about you being a prude either, or becoming "tame in your old age." It's about common courtesy. I've gotten used to some vulgar language amongst my friends at various points (although anything so blatant as you're describing makes even me uncomfortable), but a) the comment about your unborn(!) daughter is way inappropriate for her own grandfather to be making anyhow, and b) even aside from all that, it is just completely rude and *wrong* to be using such language, loudly, around a bunch of kids. You're lucky (or, come to think of it, unlucky) that no one complained to the management and got your family kicked out of the restaurant, IMHO.
-------------------- -,-'-,-<<0
This space for rent Posts: 275 | From: Maryland | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I'd leave... and I don't think I'd care if we had driven him there. Let him damn well find his own way home.
I can only assume your DH was equally horrified? If you've not spoken with each other about it, now would probably be a good time to make sure both you and DH are on the same page about the actions of FIL.
As others have said, if the behaviour of FIL you experienced has only been a recent thing and had something of a sudden onset then I'd certainly suspect there might be an underlying medical/psychological reason for it that needs attention. Of course, it might not be that... people can become an ass.
If this is just more of the same usual FIL behaviour then I'd really, seriously, think about cutting him from the family gatherings. As Christie said, unless you are hanging on for a pretty sizeable inheritence, I don't see that putting up with his behaviour & attitude is required (and certainly not healthy under any circumstance).
-------------------- "victory thru self-deception" Posts: 2211 | From: Western Australia | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
My FIL used to make little comments here and there, but it used to be just confined to home, or very quietly under his breath at a bar/restaurant. Okay...not a problem. In the past couple of months it seems like it's gotten worse where he just doesn't seem to give a flying NFBSK who hears him or what they think. We haven't gotten kicked out of any restaurants yet, but it's come close.
If my parents knew what he was saying, they'd automatically attribute it to him being a biker. However, the people I know from the group he rides with are not like that--especially since a lot of them have grandkids themselves. He's just a 50-something old horndog who seems to get off on embarrassing me in public. And the retort he gave about not getting laid is a joke--he's been fooling around with a woman DH and I call "the slut" for years.
I gave him the look of death last night, thinking it would get him to shut up. Nope...he only made a comment about the "look" and went right on. Bastard.
-------------------- This song has no title...just words and a tune.
posted
Right. He does this to embarass you. It's working. He's happy. So where is your husband while all this is going on?
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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quote:He's just a 50-something old horndog who seems to get off on embarrassing me in public.
This may be, but he crossed so far over the line with this:
quote:he was talking about how our daughter would probably have firm titties when she got older, like "Grandma"--DH's MIL.
that he can't even see the line!
ETA: Your title says this is not appropriate dinner conversation. In fact, that is not appropriate conversation ever. No grandfather should ever talk this way about their granddaughter. I would be very worried about his behavior.
posted
Sadly- it kinda sounds like my FIL. Unfortunately he waits until I am alone to do it. I had to tell my DH not to leave me along with him- he is a major PERV. He wants me to talk DH into us going to the nudist camp he belongs to. Uh- hell no, the last person I want to see naked is my FIL. He also makes other lewd comments and innuendos that make me terribly uncomfortable.
Unfortunately I am too creeped out by him to actually tell him off.
-------------------- "My Very Educated Mother Just Said Uh-oh! No...Pluto..."~ Steven Colbert Posts: 3256 | From: Somewhere in Ohio | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote:he was talking about how our daughter would probably have firm titties when she got older, like "Grandma"--DH's MIL.
Hey, wait a minute! Wouldn't "DH's MIL" be your mother? (DH=dear husband(?), MIL=mother-in-law(?) I get all these abbreviations mixed up.) He managed to cross two lines with one statement there. That would have been enough to cause me to leave immediately, without caring how he got home and without paying the restaurant bill. I need mind bleach.
-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
The term for that behaviour is sexual harassment - it is totally unacceptable. You should not tolerate it for an instant. I would also strongly endorse the statements of others that his comments in regard to your daughter's breasts indicate that he may pose a risk to her. If he cannot understand what is acceptable verbal communication what evidence do you have that he understands the limits on physical interference.
It is serious - it is not a minor issue or simply an embarassing situation. He needs to be told to either keep it clean or you will not see him. I personally would be requiring an apology before I would speak with him again.
Dropbear
-------------------- " The villagers had said justice had been done, and she'd lost patience and told them to go home, then, and pray to whatever gods they believed in that it was never done to them. -- (Terry Pratchett) Posts: 823 | From: Hobart, Tasmania | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I repeat what others have said. DO NOT ever let him near your children, especially your female children. As a matter of fact, do not let him near ANY female children if you can help it at all. This is not normal appropriate behavior in public or in private, at dinner or any other time (in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse). This is a dirty old man who may be willing to go beyond even that if given the chance. I know from personal experience how easily comments like his can go from talk to action.
Your DH needs to lay down the ground rules to his father now. Dealing with issues in his family is his job, whether or not he sees a problem with the behavior. It is upsetting to you and that should be enough for DH to act on it. You might ask DH to really stop and consider how he would feel if your (future) daughter were being talked about like that about any man, especially a man who should be treating her like the princess she is, not a sexual object.
He should tell his father calmly and firmly that such talk is totally inappropriate and makes both of you uncomfortable. And if he does it again, you will leave. Then do so. And continue to do so. He should get it after a few times (it will probably take a few, something tells me that he, like a spoiled child, will try to push the line a bit). If he doesn't stop, then you need to reconsider having a relationship with this man at all. If DH wants to continue to see his father, he can, but you don't have to subject yourself (or any future daughters) to this abusive, disrespectful behavior.
On the other hand, are there other extremes in your FIL's behavior that have occurred at the same time as this more outspoken behavior? Is he neglecting personal hygiene or housework or even upkeep on his bike? Is he missing or forgetting work or personal obligations? Is he having trouble over simple tasks or following driving directions? If so, these could be signs of a more serious mental or physical problem and should be looked into sooner rather than later.
-------------------- Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe Posts: 2211 | From: Harford County, MD | Registered: Oct 2005
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
I'd just get up and walk out next time....if there was a next time. I would decline invitations. I would say that I have spent a lifetime trying to avoid people who act like that and I'm tired of lowering my standards to accomodate FIL. If anyone wants to mock me for being a prude or overly sensitive or "can't take a joke", I would just smile and agree. Is FIL baiting? Who cares? If he would want to think he's won, that would be fine. But I'm the one who wouldn't have to deal with it anymore and it's hard not to think that's winning.
Yeah, keep your kids away from him. Never alone.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I was about to say "ew" but I don't think that properly conveys the digust I'm feeling right now.
I echo what everyone else has said about staying away from him and keeping him away from your child.
Also, rest assured this has nothing at all to do with getting tame in your old age. I'm 21 and have a pretty dirty sense of humor (in appropriate places!), and I would've walked out.
-------------------- Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer." A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!" "Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND GodRe-AnimateGreenPorkBush Posts: 3986 | From: Illinois, jealous? | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I think his behavior was inappropriate, but I think the "you must keep him away from your children!" cries smack a bit of pedophilia hysteria.
--Logoboros
-------------------- "If Men were Wise, the Most arbitrary Princes could not hurt them. If they are not wise, the Freest Government is compelld to be a Tyranny."
posted
Even if I had an older child I would keep him/her away from someone making sexual comments about them. It's not pedophilia hysteria as much as it is "stay away from the creepy guy"
ETA: as a matter of fact, in Mrs. Hi-c's situation I'd be keeping him away from my mom as well, since he insists on talking about her "firm titties"
-------------------- Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer." A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!" "Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND GodRe-AnimateGreenPorkBush Posts: 3986 | From: Illinois, jealous? | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Don't keep this guy away from your child, keep him away from *everyone*. Seriously, if he's lived all these years without learning what is appropriate conversation in a public setting, then I doubt he's going to start learning now. When I opened this thread I thought it was going to be someone overreacting to private conversation amongst family around the dinner table. But the fact that he's comfortable acting that way around not just family but strangers bothers me the most. He's reflecting on you as well as himself then, and he doesn't seem to care.
quote:Originally posted by Logoboros: I think his behavior was inappropriate, but I think the "you must keep him away from your children!" cries smack a bit of pedophilia hysteria.
--Logoboros
I respectfully disagree. Even if he's not a pedophile (and I don't see where anyone suggested he was, in any case), I would never want any child of mine to be subjected to comments like that from anyone. Especially not a relative. Imagine being a little girl and hearing your friends talk about their grandfathers coming to visit them for Thanksgiving with candy and toys and the like...and what can you say about your grandpa? "He says I'm going to grow up to have great tits." Now do you see why we think he should be kept away from his grandchildren?
-------------------- Another lifetime I'd have fallen in love with you Swept away by my feelings, ashamed and confused But just now it's enough to be walking with you Let the mystery play as it will! -Lui Collins Posts: 2669 | From: Jouy en Josas, France | Registered: May 2005
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Mrs. hi-C, do NOT have him around your baby girl. No way in Hell. Nuh-uh.
Do you want your sweet baby girl to tell you, when she's about three, "Grampy says I'm gonna have great titties and a nice snatch"? I didn't think so.
Time to put an end to any thoughts he might have had about seeing your child. Hell, I don't think YOU ought to have to be around him.
DH's father, DH's problem. If DH wants to see this dirty old lecher, fine. But why should YOU and your innocent child be dragged along for the ride?
I sincerely hope that DH was horrified by his father's behavior. And doesn't balk when you lay it on the line for him.
-------------------- Beware corporate zombies! They will purchase your brain on E-Bay! Posts: 2310 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
I'm agreeing with everyone else. Yikes! I'm stunned that any grandfather could say something like that about a grandchild. And his excuse that he hadn't gotten laid in a while makes it okay- ick! I'm surprised he wasn't asked to leave by the restaurant management.
I've gotten mouthy in my old(er) age and I would have flipped out on him and created a whole other scene in the restaurant.
My DH's grandfather used to tell me I didn't know how to breastfeed my baby (something he'd never witnessed) and it always creeped me out beyond belief to think about him thinking about my breasts.
Do we get a group rate on the brain bleach?
-------------------- "Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?"~Pearl Forrester MST3K Die-Hard Engineers, Big Red One my Dad's website "Must be a 'snopes' thing..." ~my entire family when I try to explain something. Posts: 4524 | From: South of Madison, Wisconsin | Registered: May 2005
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Bill
The Red and the Green Stamps
posted
Another one agreeing with the others.
This is not appropriate anywhere; it's bad enough in the home, even worse in a public place, and if I were the management I would tell someone like that to leave the establishment. And the comments about your daughter are just plain sick.
If it happens again, give him one warning, then ask for the check (separate checks), settle with the restaurant, and leave immediately.
I've seen people kicked out of restaurants for a lot less than that.
Definitely avoid the nasty old coot as much as possible. He should not be left alone with the baby!
(But I will also chime in to agree that if this is new behavior, his doctor needs to know about it.)
-------------------- Last year's goat was burned down by vandals dressed up as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man. They were never caught. My blog. The Adventures of the Fish O'Thwacking. Countdown: 177 days (or less!) Posts: 4926 | From: NW Ohio | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:Originally posted by mrs.hi-c scaredy cat: My FIL used to make little comments here and there, but it used to be just confined to home, or very quietly under his breath at a bar/restaurant. Okay...not a problem. In the past couple of months it seems like it's gotten worse where he just doesn't seem to give a flying NFBSK who hears him or what they think. We haven't gotten kicked out of any restaurants yet, but it's come close.
If my parents knew what he was saying, they'd automatically attribute it to him being a biker. However, the people I know from the group he rides with are not like that--especially since a lot of them have grandkids themselves. He's just a 50-something old horndog who seems to get off on embarrassing me in public. And the retort he gave about not getting laid is a joke--he's been fooling around with a woman DH and I call "the slut" for years.
Well there you have it. He will do anything to get a rise out of you. I don't know if it's an option for you to not spend any more time with him, but I think that's the best course of action. He is a bully and no reaction that you give him will make the behavior stop, IME.
quote:I gave him the look of death last night, thinking it would get him to shut up. Nope...he only made a comment about the "look" and went right on. Bastard.
Of course the look didn't stop him, he was specifically going for a look of some type, or preferrably an angry outburst. I agree with everyone who has said that simply leaving when he pulls this would be a good option if not being around him in the first place isn't possible. Don't attribute this behavior to his lifestyle or his alleged horniness- it's bullying pure and simple. I am very curious what your husband has to say about all of this.
-------------------- Officially Heartless Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:The last straw came during the few minutes that he wasn't talking about sex. Actually, that involved sex too--he was talking about how our daughter would probably have firm titties when she got older
Sorry to be the voice of aggravation once again, but this guy must be pretty used to having his jaw wired shut right? I'd have told him to shut up, and then, inevitabley, shut him up, because he doesn't sound like the sort of chap who listens to objections, but he's got some scummy mouth on him that's for sure...
-------------------- This is where I come up with something right? Something really clever... Posts: 6552 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2002
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