posted
DH and I had the fight we always have over the kids. He sets complicated, specific rules and expects me to back him up. If one of the kids doesn't follow the rule, then he believes I let them break it, so it is my fault. When I try to talk to him about these situations his response is, 'fine, I'll just let you handle the kids and stay out of it.' which he won't do and I don't want him to do, anyway. So now, once again, he's not talking to me because I told him I thought he was too harsh, and that being caught between him and the kids is making me physically ill. This is all bad for the kids, because they see him as strict to the point of unreasonable, and me as the mediator between him saying no and them getting to do what they want. Example: DS2, age 15, helps out with a bball league on Sunday afternoons. This has been going on for 4-5 weeks. While DH and I were napping, DS2 went to bball, leaving a note on the table saying where he was and he would meet us at church at 6:00 for evening service. Since this has been a usual Sunday afternoon occurence, I didn't take issue with DS2 not asking about going beforehand. DH wants to ground DS2 from bball for the next 2 Sundays. Since I said I thought that was a bit much, DH decided I didn't want to punish him at all and was oaky with DS2 taking off whenever he wants. DS2 is a good kid, keeps us informed about what's going on in his life, and has given us no reason to mistrust him. I would have appreciated a reminder about bball, and will probably say something to DS2 about saying something ahead of time, but I don't see that he needs to be punished. I could go on, but you get the picture. Our youngest is 10, so that means at least 8 more years until kids are grown and independent. I don't think I can make it that long. This issue is seriously damaging my relationship with DH, but I can't resolve it when he won't talk to me without getting angry and taking what I say out of context.
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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If you are right in saying that he can't discuss these sorts of issues without getting angry and/or misunderstanding what you are trying to say then you need to get a 3rd party involved. A marriage/relationship counsellor sounds like your best course of action at the moment.
You'll need to be very clear though. Am I correct in stating that you feel that if this continues for much longer you'll more than likely seek a divorce? Then pretty much, you need to spell it out -- that he needs to agree to seek counselling with you to resolve these matters or that things are over.
You can soften it a little by using "we"... as in "we have a problem", "we need someone to help us reach a compromise", etc. Even if it is all his fault, putting it in those terms might put him on the defensive. Trying to take the blame yourself might lead him to dismissing the issue.
I can't imagine having to face the situation you are in right now. I think you're very strong for even acknowledging the problem in the first place. Whatever happens, I hope it works out for you.
-------------------- "victory thru self-deception" Posts: 2211 | From: Western Australia | Registered: Jun 2005
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Wow. I'd think leaving a note is a perfectly good thing to do. Especially since you say it has been a normal thing for over a month to do this on a Sunday.
I have a similiar situation with my husband. He either goes completely militant on the kids or the total opposite and let's them get away with everything. They get nothing but mixed messages. My only rules are curfew-enforcement, asking before doing (in a new activity, not a set one) and letting me know where you are.
I wish I had some advice for you, but I am in the same place as you- the middle. I've used the "we" method, but it doesn't work on my husband (I'd like to try and blame the brain damage). When he goes militant and I point out that it is too strict (as in, the punishment far outweighs the crime), he goes off on that whole: "Fine! YOU deal with it! I'll stay out of it!" or the ever-popular: "Oh, I'm just too stupid to deal with this!" and stomps away. And I don't contradict him in front of the kids- I take him aside, speak quietly and his response is blown-up and loud.
All I have are 'net ((hugs)) and if you want to vent and rant to someone who knows how you feel, PM me.
-------------------- "Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?"~Pearl Forrester MST3K Die-Hard Engineers, Big Red One my Dad's website "Must be a 'snopes' thing..." ~my entire family when I try to explain something. Posts: 4524 | From: South of Madison, Wisconsin | Registered: May 2005
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I thought this discussion would be about baseball's Designated Hitter!
But seriously, good luck. It definitely sounds like it's time for a marriage and family counselor. Yesterday. My nephew and his wife may be splitting up over conflicts in child-rearing philosophies. Whoever is right or wrong about that, you all need help to avoid breaking up the family, or staying together and you being miserable.
Is being too strict with the kids the only thing, or are there problems with the DH's work or other areas of his life? Is he irritable in general? I had undiagnosed depression for a long time, and it frequently manifested as irritability or apathy, which was harmful to my marriage. In any case, counseling is the only way to save the marriage if you feel so trapped and frustrated by the current situation. If that doesn't help, you'll have done your best. Best wishes.
-------------------- Only when we remake ourselves can we remake the world. - Outer Limits (2001) Posts: 559 | From: Santa Cruz, CA | Registered: Aug 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Frog_Feathers: Wow. I'd think leaving a note is a perfectly good thing to do. Especially since you say it has been a normal thing for over a month to do this on a Sunday.
I agree, especially for a 15YO. Giving teens that kind of responsibility and independence is, IMO, essential to their growing into competent adults.
It does sound like you and your husband would benefit from counseling. If he's not willing to go, you should consider seeing a counselor on your own, to deal with the stress and to determine how you will go forward.
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
He's not strict, he's a classic control freak. And his behavior towards you when you don't follow or enforce his complex and unnecessary instructions sounds psychologically abusive.
Leaving a note instead of waking his parents before going off to fulfil an ongoing committment to help with the bball league is mature, appropriate behavior for a 15 year old. If anything he should be commended -- and thanked for not waking you -- not punished.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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At least he left a note. It would have been different if you had awakened from your nap with him gone and no note.
The kid was trying to be considerate (in both leaving the note and not waking you both up). If he is going to be punished, it needs to be for actually doing something wrong.
-------------------- Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket? Posts: 782 | From: Arlington, TX | Registered: Jul 2005
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Surfcitydogdad, you hit part of the problem. DH has fybromyalgia, which often has a component of depression. There's other pressures at work, which he has suddenly decided don't bother him, and then there's pressure at church, with someone wanting him to take on more responsibility than he feels prepared for. When its just DH and me things are great, but the kids seem to set a lot off.
I'm not leaning toward divorce, but getting to where I want to tell him to stay out of raising the kids and enforcing it. I know that's not really a workable solution, either, though.
DH and I have gone to counseling before, and while we're going he's much better, but once things improve he wants to stop. I think its been about a year or so since we went, so I guess its about time to go back. Thanks all.
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
As others have said, I don't see as your kid did anything wrong. Honestly, I don't see why he should even be chastised to remind you ahead of time. I feel bad for the kid, he will have such a difficult life if he is taught to feel that nothing he does is good enough.
I defintiely agree the counciling is needed, and I'm not big on conciling. But, you husband needs to back off on his draconian rules a bit. Not for just for you, but for your kids.
posted
I have to concur with the majority here. Your son did the mature, considerate, and responsible thing, and your husband is being unreasonable to think that punishment or even chastisement is warranted.
You can try counselling, but I'm not sure how much use it will be, since your husband sounds like the kind of guy who's got to be right all the time.
Nonny
-------------------- When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 10141 | From: Toronto, Ontario | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted
My DH and I have run into similar disagreements occasionally too. He's gotten a lot better since he's gotten a bit more comfortable with DD but for a while it did seem like he was making up an insane number of rules and I was "undermining his authority" by disagreeing with him. (quotes used to quote, not define silly statement)
We've gotten past that issue for the most part because he's loosened up a bit and I've been more clear about the fact that I'm not undermining him, I'm trying to give DD more responsibility for her own actions. For example: I no longer ask her to bring dirty clothes to the back porch. I won't remind her to clean them up either. When she wakes up and has no clean pants, she'll learn the lesson of being more prepared. She forgot a couple of times but now she's much better at remembering it than any amount of yelling or punishment could have produced.
-------------------- Conforming meant that everyone liked you except yourself Rebecca Posts: 682 | From: Jacksonville, FL | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I also have to agree with the majority here. I can just imagine how much my DW would freak out if one of our kids woke us up from a nap, and she'd freak even more if it was just about something that has been going on for the past few weeks.
I wish I had some advice on how to deal with your DH. My wife & I are opposites when it comes to the punishment thing. She is (usually) more laid back, where I'm a rules guy, & if you break the rule there should be some sort of punishment. Although I've defintately never been accused of being unreasonable. We've talked things out, but I see your situation is a little different. I hope you can get things worked out.
-------------------- I've got a pen in my pocket does that make me a writer? Standing on the mountain doesn't make me no higher. Putting on gloves don't make you a fighter. And all the study in the world doesn't make it science. -Paul Weller Posts: 199 | From: Kalamazoo, MI | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I also don't see a problem with what your son did. My son will be 16 next month and it wouldn't bother me.
Are you correcting or disagreeing with your husband in front of the kids? Maybe that is the real issue. If you and he discussed the problem and came up with a solution prior to talking to or punishing the kids about it maybe it would help.
Posts: 332 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Scari at haunted home: He's not strict, he's a classic control freak. And his behavior towards you when you don't follow or enforce is complex and unnecessary instructions sounds psychologically abusive.
I agree with this completely. I've seen more than one marriage end because one partner was a control freak. It really is abusive behavior and, at least in the families I know, it didn't end with psychological abuse.
Take care of yourself Lynda and do what's best for your kids!
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Scari at haunted home: He's not strict, he's a classic control freak. And his behavior towards you when you don't follow or enforce is complex and unnecessary instructions sounds psychologically abusive.
I agree with this completely. I've seen more than one marriage end because one partner was a control freak. It really is abusive behavior and, at least in the families I know, it didn't end with psychological abuse.
Take care of yourself Lynda and do what's best for your kids!
I also concur. There is nothing wrong with having rules, even strict ones. But having rules so strict that they are arbitrary is a sign of another problem.
I wonder, though, did you as a family have plans for which DS2's presence had been requested earlier? If there were no standing plans, then DH's behavior seems out of proportion to the offense (which is really non-existent). But, if there was something that was previously agreed to, then it might be a little more understandable.
-------------------- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."--George Bernard Shaw Posts: 19266 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Scari at haunted home: He's not strict, he's a classic control freak. And his behavior towards you when you don't follow or enforce is complex and unnecessary instructions sounds psychologically abusive.
I agree with this completely. I've seen more than one marriage end because one partner was a control freak. It really is abusive behavior and, at least in the families I know, it didn't end with psychological abuse.
I've been a party to such a marriage. The abuse never became physical during our marriage, or with my daughter; but I have reason to believe the same is not true of his second wife and youngest child.
Even absent physical abuse, it's an extremely painful, damaging way to live.
quote:Take care of yourself Lynda and do what's best for your kids!
Seconded.
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Scari at haunted home: He's not strict, he's a classic control freak. .
I was going to say the same thing.
Dawn--ouch, that spanking hurt!--Storm
-------------------- Leashes?! We don't need no stinking leashes!! Posts: 4771 | From: The Berkeley of the East Coast: Montgomery County MD | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Just to clarify, there is no abuse. I would not tolerate that. Most of the arguements stem from me not going along with what he wants and insisting that we talk things out. When I don't go along with his manipulations he clams up and either leaves or goes to bed and goes to sleep to avoid talking about it. I would consider it abuse if I were afraid to speak my mind or were afraid to intercede on the kids' behalf. What we have is differing parenting strategies coupled with poor compromising skills.
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I have no idea if this will work... LyndaD, does your DH understand the importance of sticking with a course of antibiotics until the end, even if the symptoms clear earlier?
If so, perhaps try impressing upon him that counselling is the same deal. You stick with it until the end, not just until the intial problems appear to have cleared.
It probably won't make a difference, but the analogy struck me when I got out of bed this morning so I figured I'd share.
-------------------- "victory thru self-deception" Posts: 2211 | From: Western Australia | Registered: Jun 2005
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quote:Originally posted by LyndaD: Just to clarify, there is no abuse. I would not tolerate that. Most of the arguements stem from me not going along with what he wants and insisting that we talk things out. When I don't go along with his manipulations he clams up and either leaves or goes to bed and goes to sleep to avoid talking about it. I would consider it abuse if I were afraid to speak my mind or were afraid to intercede on the kids' behalf. What we have is differing parenting strategies coupled with poor compromising skills.
Regrettably I have to say that the sort of behaviour you describe is abusive in that it is essentially interpersonal bullying. It's not physically violent but it is emotionally violent if it goes on for an extended period of time and becomes entrenched as a pattern. Everybody occasionally gets in a snit and retreats sometimes - when it becomes a pattern that is used to consistently ensure that a person gets their own way its a serious problem and needs to be stopped short.
From what you describe (and acknowledging this is on the basis of very limited info) I'd suggest your husband is seriously depressed and is retreating into controlling behaviour at home as a way of coping with the things outside the home, and in his own body, that he doesn't feel able to deal with. This does not mean you should tolerate it in any way. It just means its understandable.
Your DH needs to know that his behaviour is not acceptable and that he needs to find another way of dealing with things than the strategies he is currently using. The longer it goes on the more entrenched the behaviour will become and the harder it will be for him to shift out of it.
Dropbear
-------------------- " The villagers had said justice had been done, and she'd lost patience and told them to go home, then, and pray to whatever gods they believed in that it was never done to them. -- (Terry Pratchett) Posts: 823 | From: Hobart, Tasmania | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
A lot of people have addressed the big picture so here is my suggestion for the individual situation. At my house the big calendar in the kitchen rules. Whatever gets written up there goes.
Posts: 1168 | From: Missouri | Registered: Oct 2005
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I couldn't agree with Dropbear more. The clamming up (for days, if necessary), sulking because he didn't get his own way and taking himself off somewhere else were just what my ex started to do when our relationship began to go wrong.
And yes, the ex was seriously depressed, and no, he never went for help. Please don't make the same mistakes we did: please ask someone for help. (I can't advise who, because I don't know how it works over your way.)
-------------------- Silence should never under any circumstances be construed as agreement. A lot of the time, it's simply a reflection that someone just said something so stupid that no response could possibly do it justice. - Ramblin' Dave Posts: 8528 | From: Nottingham, England | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote:Originally posted by LyndaD: Just to clarify, there is no abuse.
We disagree on what constitutes abuse.
quote: Most of the arguements stem from me not going along with what he wants and insisting that we talk things out. When I don't go along with his manipulations he clams up and either leaves or goes to bed and goes to sleep to avoid talking about it. [snip] What we have is differing parenting strategies coupled with poor compromising skills.
Are you sure that you, plural, have poor compromising skills? What you're describing sounds more like him having an inability (or unwillingness) to compromise. Unless, of course, you are also manipulating, sulking and withdrawing when he refuses to go along with what you want.
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Salamander: If you are right in saying that he can't discuss these sorts of issues without getting angry and/or misunderstanding what you are trying to say then you need to get a 3rd party involved. A marriage/relationship counsellor sounds like your best course of action at the moment.
I would echo Salamander's (and other's) suggestion.
The "rules" are not the problem. The problem is that you and he are not on the same page about the rules. THAT needs to be fixed ASAP (and before any other issues). You need open and honest lines of communications or things are not going to work out. You need to come up with a plan for rules, bending of rules, enforcement of rules, re-negotiation of rules, etc. Everyone, in a moment of anger, will set the rules too high (or punishment too high). You two need a way to bacl off without making it look like your DH has caved in. My wife & I have worked out ways of doing that for each other, but it might not work for you two. "Professional help" would be a good idea here.
BTW, I would not call what is going on "abuse". He is feeling powerless and is lashing out (I can understand where he is coming from). You need to TALK this out and work out a plan, ASAP before things degenerate further.
-------------------- And now for something completely different... Posts: 4164 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Doug4.7, I agree the 'rules' themselves are not the problem, but the fact that his expectations are much different than mine. He expects adult behavior from kids, while I expect them to act like kids. He also tends to take misbehavior personally (they're doing this to ME) rather than as normal acting out for kids.
DH grew up w/o his father, and often without his mother. He has no idea what average kids do. Also, he does not know how to discuss w/o feeling personally attacked. One thing I have done that I shouldn't is NOT said some things in an attempt to spare his feelings. I said some of them the other night (i.e. being caught in the middle is making my pysically ill, you don't always live up to your own expectations, but are deeply disappointed when the kids don't live up to your expectations).
We should be meeting with a pastor/counselor either today or tomorrow. I'm expecting the call back this morning.
Thanks for your input.
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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quote:Originally posted by LyndaD: ...his expectations are much different than mine...He also tends to take misbehavior personally (they're doing this to ME) rather than as normal acting out for kids... Also, he does not know how to discuss w/o feeling personally attacked.
In some respects, he sounds a lot like me. For a while, I had "issues" with the way my wife would "countermand" my orders to the kids. I was having some self confidence issues and the discipline of the kids became the symbol of my problems.
Once we had a couple of good talks (we are lucky is that we CAN talk honestly with each other), we came to a solution. If I set a rule too strict, or set a punishment too severe, she would tell the child that she would discuss it with me and "I" could change the punishment/rule. That way, I was "still in charge" and didn't "lose face" in front of the kids. For this to work, I had to be willing to "bend" the rules, but that was not the problem. For me, the problem was that I would set a rule/punishment and she would just disregard it, making me feel like I had no authority. It reads a bit silly now, but it did work for us. YMMV.
quote:We should be meeting with a pastor/counselor either today or tomorrow. I'm expecting the call back this morning.
Good idea, and good luck!
-------------------- And now for something completely different... Posts: 4164 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Doug4.7: In some respects, he sounds a lot like me. For a while, I had "issues" with the way my wife would "countermand" my orders to the kids. I was having some self confidence issues and the disapline of the kids became the symbol of my problems.
Was this just a figure of speech or do you really give your kids "orders"? Personally the only orders I ever give are along the lines of "I'll have fries with that" to a server.
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Doug4.7: In some respects, he sounds a lot like me. For a while, I had "issues" with the way my wife would "countermand" my orders to the kids. I was having some self confidence issues and the disapline of the kids became the symbol of my problems.
Was this just a figure of speech or do you really give your kids "orders"? Personally the only orders I ever give are along the lines of "I'll have fries with that" to a server.
I don't know. When I tell one to "Do the dishes", or, "Take out the trash", is that an "order" in your definition? Now they don't answer, "Sir, yes sir!" or anything like that (usually they whine...).
Now if I want them to do something a bit silly (like get Dad a glass of water because he is too lazy to get up from the chair), I do "ask" them to do it.
-------------------- And now for something completely different... Posts: 4164 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2005
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I don't tell my kids what to do - haven't done it in years. We talk about what needs to be done, we agree on who does what and then I leave them to get on with it. Seems to work so far. I guess we're pretty laidback though. But asking has always been more my style than telling. And, believe it or not, I'm the tough one - my husband is, well, mellow where the kids are concerned. In any event ordering kids around is not my style and when it leads to the kind of control freakish behavior exhibited by Lynda's husband I have a hard time thinking I should reconsider my approach. I believe in treating people the way I'd want to be treated.
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
I think the problem is with the rules. I have read nothing that makes me think this is a couples/marriage problem but a very serious issue with controlling behavior on the part of LyndaD's husband. The example in the OP is not a "rules" issue, it is an illogical desire to control the behavior of the other people in the household. Couples or marriage counselling might only strengthen her husband's belief that he correct in his thinking and that the purpose of the counselling is to convince Lynda that she should comply. I suspect the only problem DH thinks he has is that Lynda won't do what he says.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Scari at haunted home: Couples or marriage counselling might only strengthen her husband's belief that he correct in his thinking and that the purpose of the counselling is to convince Lynda that she should comply. I suspect the only problem DH thinks he has is that Lynda won't do what he says.
I strongly disagree.
The rules are only a symptom of the problem. Right now, modification of the rules means he loses face, which is not an easy thing for a guy to handle (I know). What is needed is a way out of the corner he has painted himself into. The counseling sessions SHOULD help set up a mechanism for compromise and behavior modifications. The neutral third party should be able to suggest ways to solve the crisis. Obviously, it is up to the couple to enact the suggestions.
I think to reject the idea of counseling is a bad suggestion. Counseling will not solve EVERY problem, but NOT going will solve NOTHING.
-------------------- And now for something completely different... Posts: 4164 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2005
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I think another warning sign is when you see the line about "When you're 18, then you can do whatever you want, but until then, you do what I say!" -- which in my experience (watching some of my cousins' families where the father did this) most often indicates a conception of the rules that isn't about helping the child grow and learn, but about establishing authority and control.
In one case, when one of my aforementioned cousins started to have a real rough time in college and whose behavior became dangerous and self-destructive, my aunt's mantra over and over again was "But we can't do anything -- he's 18!" Which proved that the only real strategy they'd ever had for helping (or even relating to) their child was compulsion. Once they could no longer punish him, they had no other conception of parental options.
--Logoboros
-------------------- "If Men were Wise, the Most arbitrary Princes could not hurt them. If they are not wise, the Freest Government is compelld to be a Tyranny."
quote:Originally posted by Scari at haunted home: I think the problem is with the rules. I have read nothing that makes me think this is a couples/marriage problem but a very serious issue with controlling behavior on the part of LyndaD's husband. The example in the OP is not a "rules" issue, it is an illogical desire to control the behavior of the other people in the household. Couples or marriage counselling might only strengthen her husband's belief that he correct in his thinking and that the purpose of the counselling is to convince Lynda that she should comply. I suspect the only problem DH thinks he has is that Lynda won't do what he says.
Why would counselling strengthen DH's belief that he is correct? This seems like a rather arbitrary statement -- assuming that the counselor will 'side' with DH. We've worked with this pastor/counselor in the past, and if it can be said that he sides with anyone, its with me.
We will be meeting with him on Friday, which is the soonest our schedules coincide. In talking with him on the phone for a few minutes, he feels that DH is attempting to control one area of his life (relationship with kids) because other areas (relationship with twin brother, responsibilities at church, work, etc.) are beyond his control. DH likes and respects this pastor, who also knows DH's family and the dynamics going on there. I know one meeting is not going to fix everything (that's why we are going back to him), but DH agreeing to go is a good start.
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:Originally posted by Doug4.7:
quote:Originally posted by Scari at haunted home: Couples or marriage counselling might only strengthen her husband's belief that he correct in his thinking and that the purpose of the counselling is to convince Lynda that she should comply. I suspect the only problem DH thinks he has is that Lynda won't do what he says.
I strongly disagree.
That doesn't surprise me.
quote:The rules are only a symptom of the problem. Right now, modification of the rules means he loses face, which is not an easy thing for a guy to handle (I know). What is needed is a way out of the corner he has painted himself into. The counseling sessions SHOULD help set up a mechanism for compromise and behavior modifications. The neutral third party should be able to suggest ways to solve the crisis. Obviously, it is up to the couple to enact the suggestions.
It's up to him to change. Involving others in his therapy only enables him to put the responsibility for his changing on others. And gives him someone to blame when he doesn't.
quote:I think to reject the idea of counseling is a bad suggestion. Counseling will not solve EVERY problem, but NOT going will solve NOTHING.
I didn't say to reject couselling, I said that it isn't couples/marriage counselling that is needed.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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