posted
Hoo-boy. I'd like to preface this by explaining that this is not an angry rant as much as it is a self-defeated one.
I broke up with my girlfriend in January. We had been dating for a year and a half. I was single for 5 months, then dated another girl for 2 months, and have been single for another month since then.
A week ago, my ex (the longtime one, not the most recent one) tells me she has to "confess" that she has slept with 4 people in the last 3 weeks (all of whom she picked up drunkenly in bars). I knew she had slept with another guy since me, and that was a guy she had liked for a while. This news came as a complete shock to me, since she had previously said that she could never bring herself to have a one-night-stand, as she thought it was embarrassing and lowly.
Alright. She can do whatever she wants...she's not my girlfriend anymore. But she tells me that she did it because she's lonely without me, and because her friends left her alone at the bar and she was drunk so she "couldn't help herself". That hurts a lot.
Also, whether I have any right to be jealous or not, I am jealous. She seems to be able to pick up guys for the night effortlessly. Meanwhile I can't even catch the attention of girls in bars.
Before she dropped this news, we had talked seriously of the possibility of us getting back together one day. Apparently, she told me this because she said that if we were going to get back together, she didn't want to hide anything from me. But now it hurts really badly and I have trouble even thinking about her in any context without it hurting inside.
But I still love her. There's still a soft spot for her in my heart, and I still care about her deeply. I've tried telling myself I hate her and she's trying to manipulate me and I shouldn't talk to her again...but I keep thinking about how she's so (I don't want to say "right"...) special.
And now I feel shitty and inferior.
(Yes, I know it's possible that she could be lying about the 4 guys in a twisted attempt to hurt me on purpose. However, the way she said it was very believable, and she seemed angry at herself for doing it. So I believe her.)
-------------------- "For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any." -Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Firstly, let me say that I'm sorry you have to go through this. You seem like a nice guy.
I dunno, maybe I'm naive, but it seems to me it's just possible she means exactly what she said. I think she's had some sort of post-you crisis and it's manifested itself as temporary, albeit rampant, whoredom. It happens. You said yourself you envy the ease with which she.. um.. you know. Given the opportunity, would your behavior have been so different?
If I were in your shoes, I would consider her confession a sign that she really is interested in your relationship. Why would she bother telling you if it was never going to be an issue in her life? I think maybe she just wanted to restart things with a clean slate.
Of course, she could be evil incarnate and torturing you just for fun. I'm guessing no, though.
Good luck.
Posts: 54 | From: New Orleans | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by MapleLeaf: Also, whether I have any right to be jealous or not, I am jealous. She seems to be able to pick up guys for the night effortlessly. Meanwhile I can't even catch the attention of girls in bars.
Very minor point. She's a girl. All she has to do to pick up guys in a bar is have a pulse. For guys, its generally a tad bit more difficult. This is absolutely nothing to be jealous about - its just the way things are.
(I know this doesn't really help, but...)
-------------------- Q. What's the difference between a Computer saleman and a Used Car Salesman? A. The Used Car Salesman knows when he is lying. Posts: 421 | From: Victoria, Australia | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
The reason we broke up was twofold. First, we both wanted some more experience with more partners, since we were each others' firsts(which we both got, albeit she has had a bit more). Second, we were a little nuts and being too possessive of each other. We both have some psychological issues that we need to get worked out.
And yes, I know that it is much easier for a girl to pick up a random guy in a bar than vice verse (most of the time), but the fact of the matter is that lots of guys manage it. Yes, I'd do the same thing if I were in her position, but not out of loneliness. Just to get my NFBSK on.
It's my jealously talking, but I couldn't fathom dating her at this point in the midst of such sexual inequalities.
-------------------- "For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any." -Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
OK, you can take this for what its worth, but...
Firstly, I know I will have to turn in my "Males of the World" membership card, but IMO, the whole "experience" thing is vastly over-rated. Its much more preferable to know who will be sleeping beside you when you wake up in the morning. Don't believe everything the soaps tell you - the more familiar you are with someone, the better it gets. If all you want to do it get part of your anatomy wet then there are plenty of easier ways of accomplishing that that don't require the complexities of a relationship.
Secondly, however, if you do both have issues that you need to sort out, then I would strongly suggest that you sort them out with outside help, and not try to inflict it on each other. If you are emotionally bound to each other, then you will not be able to help - trust me, I tried with my ex and failed. Sort yourselves out first.
Note that outside help does not nessesarily mean paying through the nose - there are generally a lot of helpful people out there. You will need to do the searching yourself, but there may be community advice centres, self-help groups, phone lines, Ministers of Religion, even older family or friends can provide someone to listen to you. It depends on what the issues are and what is around your neck of the woods.
-------------------- Q. What's the difference between a Computer saleman and a Used Car Salesman? A. The Used Car Salesman knows when he is lying. Posts: 421 | From: Victoria, Australia | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by MapleLeaf: Also, whether I have any right to be jealous or not, I am jealous. She seems to be able to pick up guys for the night effortlessly. Meanwhile I can't even catch the attention of girls in bars.
Very minor point. She's a girl. All she has to do to pick up guys in a bar is have a pulse. For guys, its generally a tad bit more difficult. This is absolutely nothing to be jealous about - its just the way things are.
That doesn't go very far to explaining my more than a year drought
-------------------- Silence should never under any circumstances be construed as agreement. A lot of the time, it's simply a reflection that someone just said something so stupid that no response could possibly do it justice. - Ramblin' Dave Posts: 8528 | From: Nottingham, England | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote:Originally posted by MapleLeaf: Also, whether I have any right to be jealous or not, I am jealous. She seems to be able to pick up guys for the night effortlessly. Meanwhile I can't even catch the attention of girls in bars.
Very minor point. She's a girl. All she has to do to pick up guys in a bar is have a pulse. For guys, its generally a tad bit more difficult. This is absolutely nothing to be jealous about - its just the way things are.
That doesn't go very far to explaining my more than a year drought
Well if you ever plan on migrating to Melbourne, Australia, please give me a call...
-------------------- Q. What's the difference between a Computer saleman and a Used Car Salesman? A. The Used Car Salesman knows when he is lying. Posts: 421 | From: Victoria, Australia | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by MapleLeaf: Also, whether I have any right to be jealous or not, I am jealous. She seems to be able to pick up guys for the night effortlessly. Meanwhile I can't even catch the attention of girls in bars.
Very minor point. She's a girl. All she has to do to pick up guys in a bar is have a pulse. For guys, its generally a tad bit more difficult. This is absolutely nothing to be jealous about - its just the way things are.
That doesn't go very far to explaining my more than a year drought
Point taken! I think what he said probably is true in the case of women who have no standards, but we guys tend to forget that caveat sometimes.
Now then, if there's a UK snopesters get together any time soon, I'm not too far off...
-------------------- Another lifetime I'd have fallen in love with you Swept away by my feelings, ashamed and confused But just now it's enough to be walking with you Let the mystery play as it will! -Lui Collins Posts: 2669 | From: Jouy en Josas, France | Registered: May 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Michael Cole: Very minor point. She's a girl. All she has to do to pick up guys in a bar is have a pulse. For guys, its generally a tad bit more difficult. This is absolutely nothing to be jealous about - its just the way things are.
(I know this doesn't really help, but...)
Sorry, but this attitude really, really bothers me. It's simply untrue. A woman can pick up a guy for random sex if she has no standards and is willing to be penetrated by any drunk schlump in the bar. If a woman went up to every guy in the bar and said, "Hey, baby. Wanna go have mediocre sex with me in the backseat of my car?" Yeah, eventually someone will say yes. But you know what? That'll work for a guy too if they ask enough people.
-------------------- "Are we talking misdemeanor trouble or squeal like a pig trouble?" Posts: 618 | From: Ann Arbor, Michigan | Registered: May 2006
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quote:Originally posted by MapleLeaf: A week ago, my ex (the longtime one, not the most recent one) tells me she has to "confess" that she has slept with 4 people in the last 3 weeks (all of whom she picked up drunkenly in bars). I knew she had slept with another guy since me, and that was a guy she had liked for a while. This news came as a complete shock to me, since she had previously said that she could never bring herself to have a one-night-stand, as she thought it was embarrassing and lowly.
Alright. She can do whatever she wants...she's not my girlfriend anymore. But she tells me that she did it because she's lonely without me, and because her friends left her alone at the bar and she was drunk so she "couldn't help herself". That hurts a lot.
Dealing with the break-up of a serious relationship is difficult. Different people will deal with it in different ways. It would seem that your ex was having difficulty adjusting, and when she was actually by herself (as opposed to with friends) for any amount of time, she was forced to deal with the fact that she didn't have the stability of your relationship to fall back on. So she turned to sex (which can look and feel a lot like a relationship when one is depressed and feeling insecure). It's not an excuse for her behavior, but a possible explanation.
quote:Also, whether I have any right to be jealous or not, I am jealous. She seems to be able to pick up guys for the night effortlessly. Meanwhile I can't even catch the attention of girls in bars.
She was looking for sex. You appear to have been looking for a date or a relationship. Believe me, if you simply wanted to find a warm body for a night without the hassle of caring about what she thinks or feels, you could do it easily.
quote:Before she dropped this news, we had talked seriously of the possibility of us getting back together one day. Apparently, she told me this because she said that if we were going to get back together, she didn't want to hide anything from me. But now it hurts really badly and I have trouble even thinking about her in any context without it hurting inside.
But I still love her. There's still a soft spot for her in my heart, and I still care about her deeply. I've tried telling myself I hate her and she's trying to manipulate me and I shouldn't talk to her again...but I keep thinking about how she's so (I don't want to say "right"...) special.
You can care about someone VERY deeply and not date them...even an ex. You don't have to hate her in order to get over the relationship (which is dead from all appearances).
I can't possibly imagine that if you got back together things would be different than before (and you'd have that added pressure of constantly knowing about her sexual exploits during your time apart). But there's nothing stopping you from slowly getting to a point where you can interact socially and eventually be comfortable as friends.[/QB][/QUOTE]
-------------------- "The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him." - G.K. Chesterton Posts: 1514 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Obviously, you are different than me, but if I heard that my previous girlfriend who I still had feeling for was sleeping around like that (I would call it slutty, but I am a prude), it would eliminate any thoughts I had about getting back together with her.
Do you really want to be with a person who is that "easy"? If all it takes is a bit of alcohol for her to get "loose", then why would you want to be with such a person? What do you think the chances of her being "faithful" to you if you did get back together?
Move on, get out in the world, and be yourself. Chalk her up to a good learning experience (not the sex thing, but knowing about how people really are).
Your experience reminds me of a song I used to hear on the radio a lot (by The Offspring?).
-------------------- And now for something completely different... Posts: 4164 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Methuselah: I can't possibly imagine that if you got back together things would be different than before (and you'd have that added pressure of constantly knowing about her sexual exploits during your time apart).
Good point, that. MapleLeaf, that you and your ex aren't each living the life of Riley in your post-breakup lives doesn't mean the cure for that is the two of you getting back together. Whatever problems there were in the relationship before are going to be right there waiting for the two of you if you go back. Plus, as Methuselah points out, you'll now have some new ones to wrestle with too.
Couples break up. Generally, at some point in the aftermath of many partings, one or both of the people involved has second thoughts. And generally those second thoughts tend to prove out to not be about missing the other person but about not having immediately found happiness hard on the heels of the breakup.
Barbara
Posts: 2511 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Doug4.7: Obviously, you are different than me, but if I heard that my previous girlfriend who I still had feeling for was sleeping around like that (I would call it slutty, but I am a prude), it would eliminate any thoughts I had about getting back together with her.
Perhaps you aren't the type to have one of your reasons for ending being to gain more experience. Some people like to sleep around after break-ups. I always do. All of that new flesh....
quote:Originally posted by Doug4.7: Do you really want to be with a person who is that "easy"? If all it takes is a bit of alcohol for her to get "loose", then why would you want to be with such a person? What do you think the chances of her being "faithful" to you if you did get back together?
What on god's green earth does someone's behavior out of a relationship have to do with their behavior inside a relationship. personally, doug, this is really bad reasoning. I'm a slut when single, but faithful to a ridiculious degree in a relationship. And why not want someone who enjoys casual sexual encounters? Dosen't mean they are a bad person or likely to cheat....
quote:Originally posted by Doug4.7: Move on, get out in the world, and be yourself. Chalk her up to a good learning experience (not the sex thing, but knowing about how people really are).
How they are? They were broken up. She wanted to discuss re-establishing relations. She was honest which is a good thing. She actually did the right thing here, the mature thing. That should buy her some respect.
Look at it this way, Maple Leaf, she cares enough about you to be honest with you, and let you know upfront any facts that might change your opinion. She's being honest and brave, and that should count for something. Your response is quite a bit like my last ex's. He wanted us to break it off, date other people. i did, letting him know I would sleep with the ones I liked. I slept with them. he went ballistic. Refused to talk to me for 6 months. Now, he's quite sorry he lost that window of opportunity. no way would I date him again after his temper tantrum. Think deeply before you exclude her.
-------------------- So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus: Posts: 3216 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I can't remember for sure, but wasn't it you, MapleLeaf, who wanted to break up for a while to see other people and to have more sexual experiences? It has been a long time since I read that thread.
If I am correct, I must ask, "What's your problem? If it were you who had myriad sexual experiences, told your former lover and indicated that you now wanted to resume your relationship, would you expect her to feel the same way you are now feeling, or would you, as I suspect, expect her to jump at the chance?" ::Goose/Gander::
If, however, I am incorrect, please so inform me, and I shall apologize forthwith.
-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Michael Cole: Very minor point. She's a girl. All she has to do to pick up guys in a bar is have a pulse. For guys, its generally a tad bit more difficult. This is absolutely nothing to be jealous about - its just the way things are.
(I know this doesn't really help, but...)
Sorry, but this attitude really, really bothers me. It's simply untrue. A woman can pick up a guy for random sex if she has no standards and is willing to be penetrated by any drunk schlump in the bar. If a woman went up to every guy in the bar and said, "Hey, baby. Wanna go have mediocre sex with me in the backseat of my car?" Yeah, eventually someone will say yes. But you know what? That'll work for a guy too if they ask enough people.
That is true. My exH, in addition to the woman he picked up in a bar and chose to have an affair with, has had three girlfriends since then (and who knows how many one nighters).
I, on the other hand, have not seen any action in about 2.5 years (if you include the 6 months before I was divorced). I don't think I am abnormally ugly or undesirable or anything.
I also feel that flippant comments like "it's easier for girls" to discount my experience.
I can understand Maple Leaf's jealousy on that side. The "what the hell is wrong with me" business.
But I agree with Barbara that the answer is not to get back together. It is to get yourself whole and then see where you stand.
-------------------- There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe Posts: 6995 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Ryda Wong: Perhaps you aren't the type to have one of your reasons for ending being to gain more experience. Some people like to sleep around after break-ups. I always do. All of that new flesh....
For me, that would be a deal breaker. However, I did say I was a prude...
quote:Originally posted by Ryda Wong: What on god's green earth does someone's behavior out of a relationship have to do with their behavior inside a relationship. personally, doug, this is really bad reasoning. I'm a slut when single, but faithful to a ridiculous degree in a relationship. And why not want someone who enjoys casual sexual encounters? Doesn't mean they are a bad person or likely to cheat....
At least for my experiences, previous behaviors are a good indication of future behaviors. So if she sleeps around now, she will sleep around later. Maybe not while "in" the relationship, but what if they have a big fight? Is that grounds for sleeping around? The potential behavior (which I diagree with) is there.
quote:Originally posted by Ryda Wong: She was honest which is a good thing. She actually did the right thing here, the mature thing. That should buy her some respect.
In general, I would agree. However, what she revealed is something I would not want in partner. Again, did I mention I am a prude about these things? Her actions would be a deal breaker for me, YMMV. For me, it was the COMBINATION of alcohol and sleeping around that really got to me (although either the sleeping around OR drinking to excess would be bad enough in my book).
I know that people who sleep around when they are drunk and "single" can make good partners ( ) for some people, but not for me.
Yes, that might make me a prude, but I at least wanted to get my perspective out there. It is just another data point... To each his/her own.
-------------------- And now for something completely different... Posts: 4164 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2005
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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:Originally posted by Signora Del Drago: I can't remember for sure, but wasn't it you, MapleLeaf, who wanted to break up for a while to see other people and to have more sexual experiences? It has been a long time since I read that thread.
If I am correct, I must ask, "What's your problem? If it were you who had myriad sexual experiences, told your former lover and indicated that you now wanted to resume your relationship, would you expect her to feel the same way you are now feeling, or would you, as I suspect, expect her to jump at the chance?" ::Goose/Gander::
If, however, I am incorrect, please so inform me, and I shall apologize forthwith.
I have to echo this. If I am remembering correctly you were very concerned about missing out on all the sex there was out there and that was a big part of the breakup. Now it seems that you are mostly jealous of your ex's ability to find sexual encounters - not that she has violated some sort of special relationship with you.
I think she is being truthful that she wants to be with you, she is being promiscuous because she misses you, and that she wants to be honest if you are going to get back together.
I also think that you need distance from her. I don't think that you are having a problem getting over her per se, I think you just thought that sex was going to be easier for you to find, and you are angry that she is living out your plan when she wasn't really all that interested in it in the first place.
If I am wrong, I apologize.
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
posted
I may be way off base here, and shall accept any pummelling I deserve, but I really don't think she should have told you in the first place. You aren't dating, so who she sleeps with isn't any of your business, any more than who you sleep with is hers. Even if you were to get back together, what she did while you were apart is irrelevant, all that should matter is what she does while you are a couple. The key here is why she really confessed. Was it to make herself feel better? Because it certainly wasn't to make you feel better, and you could have probably lived your whole life without needing to know this. There's a Dear Abby thing going on here - something to the effect of if it doesn't help to confess something like this, then don't do it because it's actually quite a selfish thing to go stirring the pot.
I hope this makes sense of some kind, the words are being a little out of my grasp, so I hope it does. If not, listen to all the other wise snopes-folk and disregard me. Or maybe someone will be able to psychically figure out what I meant and translate . All I know is that, hypothetically speaking, if someone judged me by "in relationship" standards when I wasn't actually in a relationship, that would pretty much end any chance of them getting to relationship status with me. As always, YMMV, and you are the only one who can decide what you value.
quote:Originally posted by Rhiandmoi: ...she is being promiscuous because she misses you...
Okay, this is the prude again, do people actually do that? Have sex with (random?) people because they miss someone else? I would always thought it would be the opposite: you have NO sex because you are missing your "significant other"?
Yes, I know, I have lived a very sheltered life...
-------------------- And now for something completely different... Posts: 4164 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2005
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First, you broke up because "you wanted experience." You got exactly what you asked for. I'm not entirely sure why you thought encouraging her to have sex with strangers was going to not bother you.
Second, I really have a hard time believing that you really broke up for this reason. I had a sort of related breakup once, where I broke up with a girl because I felt we were both too immature and the relationship a bit poisonous, but the more obvious reason was that I just wasn't happy.
I've been in the same place, and second-guessed myself months afterward, thinking I could have settled for one girl or another and not end up sad and alone like Zoidberg. But I broke up because that person didn't make me feel the way I wanted to feel, and getting back together wouldn't change that.
I'll also echo NeeCD and point out that someone who wanders back into your life to vomit drama all over your front stoop is providing pretty strong evidence that breaking up with her was a good idea. What she did was her own business. That she forced it to become your business too should be a deal-breaker. Why would you want to stay with someone who hurts you?
-------------------- Thinking about New England / missing old Japan Posts: 2603 | From: Virginia | Registered: Mar 2001
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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:Originally posted by Doug4.7:
quote:Originally posted by Rhiandmoi: ...she is being promiscuous because she misses you...
Okay, this is the prude again, do people actually do that? Have sex with (random?) people because they miss someone else? I would always thought it would be the opposite: you have NO sex because you are missing your "significant other"?
Yes, I know, I have lived a very sheltered life...
It depends on the person obviously. I know people that have been promiscuous because they were looking to fill a void after a breakup, and people that were promiscuous because they liked sex but disliked relationships.
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
posted
"A week ago, my ex (the longtime one, not the most recent one) tells me she has to "confess" that she has slept with 4 people in the last 3 weeks (all of whom she picked up drunkenly in bars). [and also].... I keep thinking about how she's so (I don't want to say "right"...) special."
Every person is special. If you don't think she's "right" -- meaning, "right for you," then don't pursue a relationship.
If you're curious whether her additional partners have made her a better lover, then just go out with her once, let her get herself drunk, and let her take you home.
Just make sure to wear a condom -- anyone drunk enough to pick up 4 new partners in bars in 3 weeks was likely too drunk to think about using protection.
[edited to add: I just realized that those she picked up in bars might not have been strangers, so I substituted "new partners."]
Posts: 13 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Sharon Blue: Just make sure to wear a condom -- anyone drunk enough to pick up 4 new partners in bars in 3 weeks was likely too drunk to think about using protection.
Why, exactly, would you make that assumption? I mean, the condoms are a great idea, and should absolutly be used, however, you don't have to be that drunk to pick up four f**** in three weeks. That's actually pretty restrained in my book.
Oh, and counseling someone to get another person drunk so they can f*** them? Not really the best (nor most legal) idea in the world.
-------------------- So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus: Posts: 3216 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Dec 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Finite Fourier Alchemy: I'll also echo NeeCD and point out that someone who wanders back into your life to vomit drama all over your front stoop is providing pretty strong evidence that breaking up with her was a good idea. What she did was her own business. That she forced it to become your business too should be a deal-breaker. Why would you want to stay with someone who hurts you?
What is your evidence that she did this simply to vomit drama? She might have wanted to reestablish things with ML. She may have wanted to give him all the information so he could make an informed decision. It's his problem that he's hurt by it (no offense, ML, but it is).
She's given him the information, now he needs to bite down and make a decision.
What, exactly, would all y'all have preferred she'd done? Lie? Obfuscate? Just avoid disclosing?
No wonder people make messes out of relationships.....
-------------------- So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus: Posts: 3216 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Dec 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Ryda Wong: No wonder people make messes out of relationships.....
I know, right! Don't these sniveling shits realize just how much easier their lives would be if they altogether dropped everyone and anyone who throws a temper tantrum, gets angry, critical, sad, desperate, or altogether made the ridiculous mistake of acting like a human being. Ants, all of you!
-------------------- The salty fragrance of L’EauD’I’mNotDedalus - made entirely of and entirely for sea turtles. Posts: 1983 | From: Chicagoland, IL | Registered: Feb 2005
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quote:Originally posted by MapleLeaf: Also, whether I have any right to be jealous or not, I am jealous. She seems to be able to pick up guys for the night effortlessly. Meanwhile I can't even catch the attention of girls in bars.
Very minor point. She's a girl. All she has to do to pick up guys in a bar is have a pulse. For guys, its generally a tad bit more difficult. This is absolutely nothing to be jealous about - its just the way things are.
(I know this doesn't really help, but...)
In the World According to My Husband, that is very true, he's said exactly the same thing so many times. Regardless of how things have or should have changed and so forth - this is how it still, simply, is, for a lot of people -
so you should not take it as proof of anything like your worthiness of love or a good relationship.
So on that point, at least, please don't beat yourself up.
-Of course Oceanic Aura's point is true too, - if a girl only will permit herself to be "picked up" by a guy who is handsome, smart, charming, gainfully employed, funny, etc, etc, etc, she will probably have a harder time.
I've heard too many guys come right out and say they don't care as long as it ...(NFBSK type remark in here), though, and I've yet to hear a girl say something similiar.
And I'm in a very backwoods part of the world so sexual roles are still very "traditional" here. I'm not saying that this is how things SHOULD be, but it IS how things are. Around here.
-------------------- "Wolves, dragons and vampires, man. Draw the nut-bars like big ol' nut-bar magnets." ~evilrabbit
(snurched because one of my nutbar family members is all about wolves and another one is all about dragons...)(with apologies to surfcitydogdad) Posts: 2397 | From: Texarkana, TX | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
I need to put at least two more cents in here:
I truly believe that the desire for 'more/other sexual experiences' was/is a symptom of an unstable relationship, not the cause of one.
-------------------- "The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him." - G.K. Chesterton Posts: 1514 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Ryda Wong: No wonder people make messes out of relationships.....
I know, right! Don't these sniveling shits realize just how much easier their lives would be if they altogether dropped everyone and anyone who throws a temper tantrum, gets angry, critical, sad, desperate, or altogether made the ridiculous mistake of acting like a human being. Ants, all of you!
Actually, that wasn't even leveled against ML. It was leveled against everyone who's assuming this girl is pure crap for being honest. ML has a right to be jealous. It's emotion. It happens. It shouldn't, however, overrule a reasoned, logical response.
-------------------- So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus: Posts: 3216 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Dec 2005
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I'm pretty sure she knows you well enough to guess what your reaction would be to her news. Her telling you now is alot better than you finding out on your own later.
It's obvious to me that you still have pretty strong feelings for this girl. If she wants you back and you truly do love her, then you should give your relationship another chance. What's the worst that could happen? You break up again? In my opinion, that's much better than wondering what could have been.
Also, do your best to control your jealousy. If you don't, you'll poison the relationship for sure.
-------------------- "I believe you believe that, but I just think you're confused." Posts: 311 | From: Mississippi | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Ryda wrote, "Why, exactly, would you make that assumption? I mean, the condoms are a great idea, and should absolutly be used, however, you don't have to be that drunk to pick up four f**** in three weeks."
In the OP, Maple Leaf wrote of the partners, "all of whom she picked up drunkenly in bars." If the girlfriend were an Ethical Slut (good book), she likely wouldn't have felt the need to blame alcohol for her actions.
"Oh, and counseling someone to get another person drunk so they can f*** them? Not really the best (nor most legal) idea in the world."
You misread my post: I said Maple Leaf could "just go out with her once, let her get herself drunk, and let her take you home." All drinking and carnal action would be initiated by the ex-GF.
Posts: 13 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Sep 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Ryda Wong: Actually, that wasn't even leveled against ML. It was leveled against everyone who's assuming this girl is pure crap for being honest. ML has a right to be jealous. It's emotion. It happens. It shouldn't, however, overrule a reasoned, logical response.
Apply reasoned logic to relationships!?! Blasphemer! That just…gah! That just makes a mindless Rachael Ray recipe out of what would’ve been a fabulous Giada intricacy for this comedy gelato of errors.
Nah, I was just pokin' fun at the notion of a mess-free relationship. As I understand it, the ones that last are often some of the messiest. Forgiveness or acceptance the gak that glues this cuckooishesqeness. Hmmm...but too much glue will get ya high and daffy and so forgiving that you start eating the relationship paste and mistake the Barefoot Contessa’s toe-jam for plum pudding . Common ground, why have you forsaken us!
I don't know what ML should do or what the right response is to any of our assumptions about this woman. I often trap myself with Steve Carell's advice: "I respect women! I respect women so much I completely stay away from them!"
But I think I made my point. Did I? What? Okay. Thumbs up! Lunch time!
-------------------- The salty fragrance of L’EauD’I’mNotDedalus - made entirely of and entirely for sea turtles. Posts: 1983 | From: Chicagoland, IL | Registered: Feb 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Sharon Blue: Ryda wrote, "Why, exactly, would you make that assumption? I mean, the condoms are a great idea, and should absolutly be used, however, you don't have to be that drunk to pick up four f**** in three weeks."
In the OP, Maple Leaf wrote of the partners, "all of whom she picked up drunkenly in bars." If the girlfriend were an Ethical Slut (good book), she likely wouldn't have felt the need to blame alcohol for her actions.
Normally, I preferred a bit of liquor (or a bunch) before I went out trolling. I didn't see anywhere where he indicated she was blaming the liquor, only giving circumstances. And there's still no indication that she didn't use protection. I'm not sure why you'd make that leap.
quote:Originally posted by Sharon Blue: "Oh, and counseling someone to get another person drunk so they can f*** them? Not really the best (nor most legal) idea in the world."
You misread my post: I said Maple Leaf could "just go out with her once, let her get herself drunk, and let her take you home." All drinking and carnal action would be initiated by the ex-GF.
Still, not the best advice. Especially since he's pissed at her for doing the same thing with other guys....
-------------------- So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus: Posts: 3216 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Dec 2005
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quote:Originally posted by I'mNotDedalus: Apply reasoned logic to relationships!?! Blasphemer! That just…gah! That just makes a mindless Rachael Ray recipe out of what would’ve been a fabulous Giada intricacy for this comedy gelato of errors.
Nah, I was just pokin' fun at the notion of a mess-free relationship. As I understand it, the ones that last are often some of the messiest. Forgiveness or acceptance the gak that glues this cuckooishesqeness. Hmmm...but too much glue will get ya high and daffy and so forgiving that you start eating the relationship paste and mistake the Barefoot Contessa’s toe-jam for plum pudding . Common ground, why have you forsaken us!
Wow. I think you've been into the glue a bit too much as it is.... I really and truly don't think I understood that at all!
Congrats!
-------------------- So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus: Posts: 3216 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Dec 2005
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I think you've been into the glue a bit too much as it is.... I really and truly don't think I understood that at all!
