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Author Topic: My daughter hates me - UPDATE
I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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I donít mean to be crying woe-is-me because Iím not the sort of person who feels sorry for herself. But I am feeling very down right now. My daughter, whoís 27 years old and has been married for over 3 years, called me at work the other day and cussed me out for being a bad mother. Actually, there was no cussing involved, but you get the picture. The day had started when sheíd emailed me and implied that I lied about what I was doing the other night.

I guess a bit of back-story is in order before I go any further.

My dad died in April after being diagnosed with acute leukemia 6 weeks earlier. I sold my condo and moved in with mom. I also started dating again, after being single for 8 years. My daughter is very close to my parents, since she never knew her dad (my first husband). I was married briefly to him but left before her birth because he threatened to kill her and me. I was 20 when she was born. I was single for about 9 years and then married again, but he rejected me immediately after the honeymoon so that only lasted a few months. Then she and I were alone again for about 5 years, when I married my 3rd hubby. That lasted 5-6 years then ended over 8 years ago. So she saw a lot of instability in our lives, but my folks were always there for us and were major positive influences in her life. They think/thought of her as more than just a granddaughter. So my dadís death has been hard on her. She also had brain surgery this summer (chiari decompression). My boyfriend and I broke up but eventually got back together, and she has not approved of this, and she told me so. She started a new job last month but hates it. Her husband works 2 jobs and is not at home several nights a week.

Up until Wednesday, I thought she was handling things very well. Even though Iím in a relationship, I still made time for her, going shopping twice in the past month, getting pedicures together, talking once or twice a week on the phone, and occasionally exchanging emails.

But apparently Saturday, she found proof that my BF and I are being intimate with each other (we both live with our mothers so on a couple of occasions we have gotten a hotel room for an afternoon Ė the hotel room keys/cards are what she saw in my purse on Saturday). She has been so worried ever since I started dating the BF (once known on here as the f***ing liar) that I would get married and move out and leave grandma stranded at a time when she needs someone. But Iíve told both my daughter and my mom that even though yes, we are looking at marriage, we have decided to wait until sometime next year (February) to get engaged, and then get married in October. By then we will have been together a year and a half, which is longer than two of my marriages together lasted! And Iíve told them that we wonít even do that unless we have ALL come to an agreement about momís living situation. Currently Iím living with her where she and dad lived Ė b/c I didnít want her to have to worry about selling the house right on the heels of my dadís death. She can hardly go into the master bedroom where dad slept (and where he died) even now. So that is my bedroom. She sleeps in one of the guest rooms. We live miles away from town out in the country, and have about 3 acres that we have to get someone to mow (my Son-in-law mows it and we pay him). I figure that sometime next year, me and my 3 brothers and mom will get together and talk about selling the house and getting her something smaller and closer to town and church (like a condo). She has some health problems but is not an invalid, and is in better health now than before my dad died.

But my daughter has, ever since I started dating BF 5 months ago, kept bringing up ďwhat about grandma? Donít you care what happens to her?Ē Well, yes I do, as I keep telling her. And I keep telling her that NOTHING is going to happen this year. I am bending over backwards to not make the same mistakes Iíve made before in men, and to not rush into marriage.

Yet DD emails me at work on Wednesday, talking about gma being lonely, and implying that I lied about where I was this past Tuesday. She snooped and found out the shag club I was at was closed on Tuesdays; but we DID have a make-up class Tuesday, then regular class last night.

I emailed her back (I donít know her work email so it went to her home email) that I didnít appreciate the innuendo that I lied about where I was. So she emails me when she gets home and lets me know that she saw the hotel stuff in my purse: ďoh i see. just funny, thats all, considering what i saw in your purse on saturday. believe it or not, i dont like feeling wrapped up in your life. but i have to listen to grandmas sighs, and then it makes me wonder. i am glad you have such a wonderful boyfriend. just seemed like you were more interested in everyone else when you were having problems. i am tired of feeling like i have to compete for your mothership. maybe you should have got me some counseling as a child. i just feel our relationship is superficial and toxic.Ē

So she calls me later around 6:15 when Iím still at work and just lets me have it. How I always put myself first, and never think about anyone else. How I never pushed her to be better in school, or try out for sports, or get a college degree. And that she just canít stand to talk to me or be around me because sheís so mad at me, and that all I am to her is her biological mother, and she just wishes I would go away.

Although I was caught a little off-guard by her fury, I tried to reason with her. I told her that I was a single mom, and I did the best I could, and that my love for her is always there and has always been there. And that if she needs me Iím just a phone call away. That I donít want to intrude. She said sheís tired of mothering me (?) and worrying about me, and that I shouldnít have moved in with gma if I was going to get involved with a man. She took some comments my mother made to her and twisted them around and said that gma said that I was waiting around for her to die. She was so filled with hate for me.

After she got off the phone, I burst into tears (Iíd already cried that morning from the first emails). This time, BF had come to work and picked me up so he heard my end of the conversation. I NEVER cry in front of anyone, but I cried great big sobs by the end of that phone conversation. She made me feel that I was a failure as a mother, and it sounds like she wants to be ďemancipatedĒ from me, because I apparently cause her so much pain. BF had me call my mom, and I sobbed my heart out to her and she re-assured me that she didnít say those things, that DD twisted some innocent remarks out of hand.

Mom said that the bit about me waiting around for her to die was completely taken out of context. She was trying to tell DD that she has no problems with my BF, and that we seem very much in love, and that itís not like Iím waiting around for her to die. And while I wish my mom wouldnít talk quite so much and say some of the off-the-top-of-her-head comments (like the waiting for her to die one), the same can be said of DD Ė she will draw things out and instigate things.

Maybe weíre all a little too close. And maybe DD is jealous of the relationship I have with mom. DDís started going to our church, so we see each other every week. Weíve had her and SIL over to eat several times and like I said at first, she and I go shopping quite frequently together Ė two times at least this month.

I am just frustrated and hurt and sad, and I donít know what to do. I called her back Wednesday night to make sure she was OK, and I told her I loved her, but she barely spoke to me. She called the house this morning, but wanted to speak to mom.

I know sheís hurting or she wouldnít have lashed out at me; part of me wants to rush over there and hold her and apologize for all these long-ago hurts (that I thought weíd gotten past a long time ago). But Iím afraid of her rejecting me, that sheíll feel any display of contriteness on my part will be artificial and forced. I think she wants in me a different kind of mom. But I canít change my whole persona and be Donna Reed; I also canít be my mom. Iím just me, and Iíve loved her the best I know how.

I would appreciate any advice. I love her and hate to see her hurting.

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KatrinaDuck
Jingle Bell Hock


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I'm *kinda* in a similar position as your daughter. My father's done a lot of asshat things (and continues to do so) and there are times (I'm ashamed to admit) when I get so stressed out that any little thing that he does will make me yell and scream at him.
***Not that you're doing asshat things!***
Sometimes it just feels like everything comes down at once, and I'm sure she's under a lot of stress, especially with the loss of her grandfather. When she found the hotel keys, she was probably upset already, and it pushed her over the edge.

Personally, I'd suggest just letting her cool off for a few days, and then when you run into her at church (as you know you will), say hello, apologize for making her angry, and tell her what you told us. Maybe by then she'll be able to have an adult conversation with you without letting emotions take over.

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It is, after all, the dab of grit that seeps into an oyster's shell that makes the pearl, not pearl-making seminars with other oysters. -Stephen King

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Nick Theodorakis
We Three Blings


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{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Maybe some family therapy for the both of you?

Nick

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I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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Thanks KatrinaDuck; I wasn't sure if me letting her "cool off" would back-fire, but if you can give that advice, then perhaps that is the best thing. I do think I'll mail off a card to her this afternoon, that she'll get tomorrow, that simply says I'm glad she's my daughter and that I love her - nothing else, no apologies.

The worst she can do is tear it up.

And yes, I'll see her Sunday and hopefully she'll have mellowed out a little. Thanks again for your input.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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Nick, I suggested that during our conversation on Wednesday. She didn't seem opposed to it, nor did the conversation go back in that direction.

I think that would be very helpful. Thank you for the suggestion.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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My take on the subject is that you should stop beating yourself up because you made a few mistakes in your life. We all have. And you owe your daughter no apologies. Of course, you love her, but she has no right to treat you with such disrespect. You've tried to show her love, you've apologized enough, and you owe her no explanations about where you've been nor about what you were doing and with whom you were doing it. It will be hard, but the best thing for your daughter is to listen to her rant, if you feel you must, then say that you regret that she feels that way and you love her. Then hang up the telephone or walk away. Yes, she is hurting from the loss of her grandfather, but dammit all, you lost your father, and your mother lost her husband. Be kind to yourself. She'll probably come around one of these days, and when she does, just be glad and don't throw this up in her face, the way she's throwing things up in your face. This is so sad. Best wishes and good luck to you and to her. I hope your mother doesn't let this situation stress her out too badly. She's caught in the middle.

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~IímNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent DíOnofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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I completely agree with the Signora. You owe your daughter no apologies or explanations. She owes you one helluva an apology for her immature behavior and hopefully one day she'll wise up and realise that.

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Signora is wise. Listen to Signora.

Your daughter is being very unfair to you. She may have her reasons for doing so, but those reasons don't excuse it.

Also, she doesn't seem to have a very clear sense of boundaries. It is none of her business whether you and your BF are intimate.

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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Sounds like someone hard hit by the death of her grandfather and panicking at the thoughts of losing her mother (to a new husband) and/or gma (to an imaginded death). Sounds like someone trying to control you so that those things don't happen. Sounds like too much going on in her life and she's scared silly of losing her mom and gma, two people whom she apparently leans on hard for support. A variation on the stages of grief?

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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So... I'm a little lost... she's an adult, nearly 30, and her biggest concern with your new relationship is... what... that you'll move away from your mom and never speak to her again? Or that you're living with your mom now, but your mom will be so very lonely if you get married and move out? [Confused]

It's good that your DD is close to her grandmother, and it is fabulous that she is close to you, but it kinda seems to me she might be a little TOO close. If my mom were back on the market, I'd be more concerned that whoever she found made her happy. I wouldn't care if they were sneaking out to a hotel to play bunk monkies or whatever. It's her life, and she is fully permitted to live it. Now, if I suspected that her new beau were abusive or something, I would beg, plead, grovel, and possibly hire someone to non-violently kidnap her to get her out of the situation (okay, overboard on that last one there [Wink] ), but the long and short of it is, it's her life.

I'm not trying to belittle your relationship with your daughter in any way, but you do not need her approval or permission to carry on with your life, date, remarry, what have you. And your mom may well be lonely if you move out of the house, but if your daughter is nearly 30, then I'm gonna put you at maybe 20 years older than her... you don't need to be living at home with mom anymore. She is a wonderful woman for letting you stay with her if the circumstances demand it (yay gramma!!), but I just don't know what your daughter's thinking if she expects you to live with your mom forever just so that she'll never be lonely.

That's why God invented "visiting family."

Provided you are not hurting anyone else, you do what makes you happy. Your daughter's not always gonna approve. She'll get over it.


This opinion brought to you by a former 15-year old whose folks split up only to have her mother remarry a few months later to a man she confessed to her 15-year old daughter that "technically" she'd been having an affair with new hubby before the divorce was final... one seriously pissed off teenager who GOT OVER IT.

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dmason61
I Am Curious, Yellowtail


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Signora is right on!
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I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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Wow! I am impressed with all the terrific insights you're sharing with me. It is truly helping me deal with the pain. I thank each and every one of you.

I think the "too close" is hitting the nail on the head. For some reason, she thinks she'll be abandoned, and/or I won't love her anymore. Or she fears Mom/Grandma will be abandoned. But I have three brothers. I don't think any of them expect me to give up my life forever for mom. At the time, when I moved in, I didn't have a SO and I did look on it as a permanent move. And when I got involved with SO, I made it clear to him that I had just moved in and that this would be a factor in any relationship I entered into with him.

If I was an only child, I can see some of DD's worry. But two of my brothers live in town. All of our names (the 4 kids and Mom) are on the lease so anything that happens will have to have all of us in agreement.

In the meantime, I am in agreement with Signora, too - be kind to myself and give her time to get over herself.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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Esprise Me
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Your daughter's behavior sounds like me at twelve or thirteen. I was a horrible child sometimes, despite having the most loving, stable home any two people could have provided. I agree with everyone who thinks her grief and fear is causing her to lash out at you--parents are sometimes the whipping boys for unhappy children--but she is not a child and her actions are totally inappropriate. Hugs and vibes in hoping she comes around to realizing that.

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tribrats
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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She cuts you down, lies to you, cuts down your boyfriend and snoops through your stuff? If I ever did that to my folks, I could never bring myself to look them in the eyes again! If anyone here has a right to be angry, its you!

While she has the right to mourn the loss of her grandfather, she has no right to be disrespectful to you. Agreeing with Esprise Me, if you hadn't told her age, I would have thought early teens.

Sounds to me like you are handling things the best you can. She is the one acting superficial and toxic right now and needs to grow up.

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Wild Card
Jingle Bell Hock


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I'm Foxy- It sounds like you both really care about each other. The only thing I can suggest is time and space.


Tribrats, when did the daughter lie?

(Edited ((twice)) to fix typo, even if "when did the laughter die?" was a much more poignant question.)

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"It's a perfect system...unless it screws up." -Biology Professor

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I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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Update - of sorts - there is still no change, but I am just going on with my life and trying to not let it bother me so much. I'm disappointed in her and yes, I am angry. This has also hurt my mother.

Thanks for the comments and support - it has helped me so much, maybe more than you'll ever know.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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tribrats
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Wild Card, twisting the grandmother's words around to fit her needs is in my opinion lying.

ETA: Oops, I read it as "when did the daughter lie". I didn't say anything about the daughter dieing.

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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That sounds like a rotten day. Sounds like you are both hurting a lot for a whole host of reasons and a blow-up had to happen about something at some point. Often if you scratch a person you love who is directly angry with you, you find someone who wants more attention from you. Sometimes, cliche, we hurt the ones we love the most.

However, soaking up and diffusing all that anger is potentially damaging for you. I think a cool-off period for you both is a good idea, but you should let your daughter know how much her words have hurt you. She's entitled to her feelings, but she's not entitled to pull your character to pieces because of them. Her snooping to find out whether you're telling the truth is low too. I also agree with tribrats that her being outraged "on behalf of" her Grandma is just an attempt by her to paint you in her own mind as a bad person, thereby justifying her anger at you. This casting around for "evidence" of your wrong-doings would indicate to me that your daughter knows deep down that you don't deserve her wrath.

I've recently been on the receiving end of some very hurtful remarks from a family member, both to my face and behind my back, and I'm afraid it's made me crave a more superficial relationship with that person as it's the only way that I can protect myself without causing hurt to them at the same time. It hurts like hell, because you don't want to respond with more anger, but at the same time you're so crushed and low in self-belief after what they've said that you begin to doubt even the most loving of your own intentions. When someone pulls your character and years of your life apart all in one big shock like that, you need to give yourself some time to rebuild your confidence, and that can mean a temporary superficial relationship while you find ways to recover elsewhere. Please remember that whatever she has said about you, it is only ever her opinion, and probably not an opinion she holds permanently. As a parent I know that the desire not to let a child down is enormous, but it's an imperfect world and since we none of us can make it perfect for them, we need to forgive ourselves for that as often as possible.

Everyone just wants to be understood and loved, but after the tangle of difficult things you've both been through, it's bound to be a struggle. Wishing you strength and confidence in yourself to get through it.

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I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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Thanks Neffti.

This weekend my daughter had fainting spells, and went to the ER but they didn't find anything wrong with her. So that has brought us back together but we haven't discussed what happened Wednesday. I feel right now is not the time. But she's talking to me and saying she loves me, when I tell her I love her. I want her to go back to her doctor today and tell her EVERYTHING that's been going on, so she can find out what the problem is. A healthy, 27-year-old just does not pass out for no reason.

So I'm worried now; the anger is shelved for the time-being. I'll keep you posted.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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Barbara
Layaway in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by I'm Foxy:
A healthy, 27-year-old just does not pass out for no reason.

While you're right to be concerned and to want her to pursue getting this investigated, it can indeed happen that an otherwise healthy gal can faint for no good reason. I passed out once when I was about 19 or 20. Not felt faint, mind you - passed out cold. As in, everything went black, and I later came to on the ground. (Which was *not* a pleasant experience. There is something incredibly horrid about coming to after fainting.)

I followed up that mysterious episode with a trip to the doctor, and he checked me out, including having me go through the 4-hour diabetes test. Nothing ever manifested that explained why I'd keeled over that day. And it never happened again, either.

Barbara "fainted lady" Mikkelson

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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What Barbara said, plus the reason may have been something as episodic as standing up too fast or not eating enough.

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I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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Thanks, I hope it is just an isolated thing.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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Doug4.7
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Stress is always a good source... (i.e., fainting).

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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Has you daughter started taking any new medications within the past 3 months or so? A lot of what you are describing -- anger, aggression, irrational thinking -- along with fainting spells can be psychiatric side effects to a number of commonly prescribed drugs.

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Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread.

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babyshoes
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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/about fainting/ From the age of about 15 to almost 30, I regularly fainted. (Definately not a fun experience.) Okay, so I was a little slow on the uptake, but it turned out that, gee, I need to drink water! Dehydrated me = me on the ground

Foxy, hope all turns out right.

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"When Jesus said to love your enemies, I think he meant don't kill them." from a song by Linda K. Williams

Posts: 124 | From: Rappahannock County, VA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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I just spoke to DD, she is at home (thought she could work all day but got to feeling bad) and will go see her doctor at 4:00. From all your comments, and what little bit of research I've done, she may be having panic/anxiety/anger attacks. She says her heart is racing and she just feels bad.

The bad thing is, she's an RN so she has all these worst-case scenarios flashing through her mind!

She's not on any new drugs that I know about.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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KatrinaDuck
Jingle Bell Hock


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Oh, I'm sorry. Panic attacks are no fun at all. I've never fainted from one, but I did used to get very dizzy from it, and I can see it happening.
I'm glad you're speaking to eachother again, though, even if it is because of bad circumstances.

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It is, after all, the dab of grit that seeps into an oyster's shell that makes the pearl, not pearl-making seminars with other oysters. -Stephen King

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Enjal
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I have to say, reading the OP made me think of a similar situation I went through about 7 years ago. I was 25 and having trouble in my relationship and through self-analysis decided it was my mother's fault because she never had a normal relationship when I was a kid. I said something to her about it and immediately felt guilty. I was having an immature stupid moment, she knew this and let it pass.

So my first thought was - your daughter is having some trouble in her life (she might be having some trouble with her hubby and/or she's bummed about her crappy job) and is trying to blame you for it because it's easier than blaming herself or doing something about it now. She's an adult. If she regrets not getting more schooling or whatever else, it's not too late.

All you can do is continue to do whatever you can to encourage and support her and hope it all passes soon.

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"I'm a leaf in the wind"
New Lungs for George

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Amigone201
Happy Holly Days


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Well, Foxy, your daughter's fury is certainly misplaced and inappropriate. She has some issues that she needs to resolve, and hasn't chosen the healthiest way to express that.

But I suspect her ire has more to do with your choice of boyfriend than what will happen to Grandma.

The boyfriend troubles me too, I have to tell you. He was "once known on here as 'the f***ing liar.'" Who called him that? You? Your daughter? Why?

I also believe your daughter thinks it's a bit too early for you to be talking about marriage. You've only been with him for five months. When did you START discussing marriage? Also remember, in the past, relationships have been a little rocky for you, so, in my humble opinion, you may need a little more time than five months before you decide this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I don't think your daughter's words were appropriate, and I'm not defending her; in actuality, I think she was quite rude. But please, Foxy, don't rush into getting married until you know you're sure. I know in your own mind you think you're sure, so I don't expect you to call off your marriage because I raise a red flag. But please, just try to give it some more time. There's really no rush, is there?

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Check out my blog! http://fundiewatch.blogspot.com

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I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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Amigone201, I called him the "f***ing liar" back around the end of July, because he had lied to me. We eventually worked through his problems - he came clean, told me everything, and has been re-building my trust in him day by day. We are definitely not rushing anything, but are enjoying the dating experience and getting to know each other. Since both of us have rushed into marriage in the past, all we are doing right now is talking marriage. There's no ring or wedding date yet. We are both on the same page that even when we do get engaged, we'll still wait several months before getting married (like, a year from now). And he's the one that started talking about marriage.

Babyshoes, DD just called, and said the doctor doesn't think it's anxiety, but is referring her to a heart specialist just to be safe. DD had taken a benadryl Friday due to allergies, and she probably was a little de-hydrated. So, no real news yet.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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Wild Card
Jingle Bell Hock


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I'm Foxy-
Is this the guy you're referring to?

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"It's a perfect system...unless it screws up." -Biology Professor

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Barbara
Layaway in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by Wild Card:
Is this the guy you're referring to?

Ah geez, I hope not. Because all other issues aside, in this post Foxy/Anya said she'd been dating the hoon for only about two months. I would really hate to think that a woman who's been married three times is here, in October 2006, talking marriage with a fella she first took up with in May 2006.

From Foxy/Anya's first post in this thread:

quote:
But Iíve told both my daughter and my mom that even though yes, we are looking at marriage, we have decided to wait until sometime next year (February) to get engaged, and then get married in October.
Four-and-a-half months, Foxy, and this question is even coming up, let alone its answer been worked out between the two of you?

Barbara "must be that new speed dating thing I've been hearing about" Mikkelson

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bufungla
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Barbara:
quote:
Originally posted by Wild Card:
Is this the guy you're referring to?

Ah geez, I hope not. Because all other issues aside, in this post Foxy/Anya said she'd been dating the hoon for only about two months. I would really hate to think that a woman who's been married three times is here, in October 2006, talking marriage with a fella she first took up with in May 2006.

Given this description:

quote:
Originally posted by I'm Foxy:
Amigone201, I called him the "f***ing liar" back around the end of July, because he had lied to me. We eventually worked through his problems - he came clean, told me everything, and has been re-building my trust in him day by day.

it pretty much has to be the same guy.

Not to mention, if her daughter ever heard about this:

quote:
Originally posted by I'm Anya:
I've done some more digging and found more lies. On the Saturday he was supposed to help me move, he claimed he was running late because he overslept. But I checked his myspace page, and tracked down his lady friends, and found numerous messages from him on that date. The times were 9:41 am, 9:38 am, 10:11 am, and 9:40 am.

Also on last Saturday, when he was supposedly sick as a dog and I didn't hear from him until 9:45 pm? He wasn't too sick to post comments at 1:24 pm, 12:53 pm,1:40 pm,12:57 pm, and 12:55 pm.

So I just did a probably terrible thing: I sent messages to several of these ladies saying that if they were more than friends of his, to investigate him thoroughly, because I didn't want them to get hurt like I was by his lies.

I also emailed him at work and told him I was doing that.

There. Let HIM panic for awhile.

I'm ~now I have closure~ Anya

I really can't blame her for being worried, upset or whatever distressed adjectives you care to list.

Foxy, by your own words, your daughter has been through this:

quote:
Originally posted by I'm Foxy:
My daughter is very close to my parents, since she never knew her dad (my first husband). I was married briefly to him but left before her birth because he threatened to kill her and me. I was 20 when she was born. I was single for about 9 years and then married again, but he rejected me immediately after the honeymoon so that only lasted a few months. Then she and I were alone again for about 5 years, when I married my 3rd hubby. That lasted 5-6 years then ended over 8 years ago.

and now you're talking marriage with a guy whom you had cristened "the f***ing liar". Is the fact that she doesn't approve a surprise to you?

quote:
Originally posted by I'm Foxy:
I would appreciate any advice. I love her and hate to see her hurting.

Nick already posted the best advice - you and your daughter (at the very least) should talk to a professional. There's way too much going on here for a message board to help with.

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"Pardon him. Theodotus: he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature."

George Bernard Shaw, Caesar and Cleopatra

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I'm 20th Century Fox
Happy Holly Days


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I'm afraid the question came up without me ever bringing it up. When we first started dating, DD was already asking "what happens when you get married?". We are trying to REASSURE everyone that we are not getting married anytime soon.

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When my chin is on the ground I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

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Barbara
Layaway in a Manger


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That your daughter asked this question doesn't mean you were obligated to have an answer worked out for it. What if you had been able to say to her, "I have no idea; I haven't even thought about it," and that indeed have been the case because it *hadn't* entered your mind?

You're not racing to the altar with your fella; you're putting that off for a year at least, and that's good. But it's the mindset that worries me, the "I just started dating this guy; hey, it's time to discuss marriage" of it all.

For anyone other than a starry-eyed, dippy, giggly, imperious, then crying the next moment teen girl to be thinking about marrying the guy she's only just begun seeing is, well, scary. You've been through this three times. You therefore know that as much fun as dating a new man is, that what goes on for the first four or five months has little to do with what you'll need to know about him, you, and the two of you as a couple when it comes time to work out "Is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with?" Yet, even knowing that, you're of the "We'll announce the engagement in January or February and get married next October" frame of mind.

Was it always so for you?

Barbara

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