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Author Topic: Paranoia about pregnancy?
Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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Okay, I'll try to post this is in an unbiased a light as I can manage. Thank goodness this place is anonymous. There will be TMI in this too.

I lost a baby in March/April. It took 6 weeks for me to get better, with a late surgery and a few hospital stays.

Mid June, my sister announces that she is 8 weeks pregnant and that it was planned. Of course, I put a really brave face on it and said how happy I was for her, but she wouldn't stop ringing me to ask my advice about morning sickness, maternity clothes etc, and one day I completely lost it, became incoherent and had my first ever attack of the screaming ab-dabs. I said nothing horrible to her, I can just recall shouting "I can't do this, can't do this, can't do this" and next thing I knew DH had me lying down on the sofa saying "It's alright sweetheart, you're back, I've got you."

A couple of days later when I'd calmed down we had a teary heart-to-heart. I told her that I knew it was no business of mine, but I honestly couldn't make peace with the thought of her deliberately making babies while I was in hospital having the remaining bits of mine scraped out (sorry TMI). She never came to visit me in hospital either (we live in the same town). She couldn't really answer me, and so I thought okay, I've gone too far, it's just life and I need to suck it up and get on with it. Also, she's pregnant, she doesn't need this stress and if I'm having bad feelings I need to deal with them elsewhere. I have a new niece or nephew's well-being to think about now.

Since then, I have had the feeling very often that she is trying to make me lose it again. Little things, like she keeps giving me clothes that she is too big for now, saying she won't need them. I have been telling myself that she can have no idea how hurtful these things are, her insensitivity isn't deliberate and she's just trapped in the happy pregnancy bubble. I try to keep busy and out of her way but my whole family lives in the same town and you can guess how hard that is. I have been doing really well and getting right on top of it, boosting my self-esteem and finding plenty of opportunities for fun with my lovely DD before she starts preschool. Also feeling really happy about my soon to be niece/nephew, wondering what they'll look like and everything.

This weekend something really upset the applecart. She and I were out with friends, when she suddenly leans across the table and says, "What names did you have picked out had DD been a boy?" I thought "I'm sure I've told you this," but I said it anyway: - "Arthur," but it stuck in my throat a bit because naturally DH and I had picked out names for the baby we lost, and Arthur had come up again as first choice for a boy. "Oh, how funny!" she exclaims. "I want Arthur for MY baby!" And I do quote. The friends we were with - well, their jaws hit the table. At that moment I felt like I had a choice between causing some criminal damage, or smoothing the situation. I thought "She's pregnant - be careful" and went for the latter and said something like "Yes, Arthur's a lovely name isn't it?" and my wonderful friend rescued me by picking up the conversation with a story about what she would have been called had she been a boy.

Four days later, I'm trying not to get wound up but I've got the shakes. If my sister calls her baby by a cherished name I had picked out for my baby, I think I'll crack, and so will our relationship. But I do recognise that I'm not in great shape right now. Our baby's due date is approaching and I'm not making great decisions. I also recognise that I have no right to expect anything from my sister, and that she is entitled to carry on without reference to me. I genuinely want her to have a peaceful and happy pregnancy, but not quite at the expense of me having a breakdown.

So here's where Rantidote comes in. Should I mention to my sister that using that name is like twisting a knife in my heart? And if so, how? Or do I just keep on smiling, waving and sucking it up? And if so, how? Or can anyone else think of something in between the two?

Oh wow it feels so much better to get that lot off my chest, if nothing else, and thank you if you've read this far. ETA - probably relevant to know that for both of us it is/was a second baby.

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guruwan2b
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Losing a baby is hard to get past. I won't say get over, because it will be with you always.
Did you have any kind of memorial? I think it may help you get past the heartache. Maybe releasing a bunch of balloons on the baby's due date would help.
As for your sister I don't think she could possibly understand how much she is hurting you. I would write a letter telling her how much it would hurt you to have her use the name you picked out.

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GenYus
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If she's got you so wound up, you need to stop contact with her. I know that is very easy to say, but you need to do it.

To try to avoid hurt feelings and estrangement, make it all about you. "Sis, I know you are happy about your pregnancy, and I am very happy for you, but it is very hard for me right now. I'd like to be there for you, but I can't right now. And using the name I had picked out for my baby will be a continual reminder of my lost baby. I'd love to be a great aunt to your baby, and I'm afraid that will be hard if your baby has the same name as my lost baby would have."

While she is happy about her baby, being pregnant is not an excuse to not give a shit about anyone else. If she still acts this way after she knows how much it hurts you, she is an ass and you're better off without her.

ETA: I am terribly sorry for your loss.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Seaboe Muffinchucker
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I can't help you, except to say you have my sympathy, for what that's worth, and I'll send vibes for strength no matter what you decide to do.

Seaboe

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Education is not the filling of a hard drive, but the lighting of a bulb. -- Yeats via Esprise Me

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missiebreathe
I Am Curious, Yellowtail


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Your sister sounds insensitive to me. She is happy for her own child, which is great, but needs to think of someone other than herself. In my opinion you are doing really well around her. What a tough situation. You have sucked it up a lot, I am impressed by you. I don't know that I could do the same.
Tell her about the name though. Let her know how you feel. Is that her way of honoring your child you lost? Maybe as a middle name?
Hang in there, you are being a wonderful Aunt and sister! Just try and bring things up before they become heated. Those surprise moments are fueled by emotion.
Best wishes and my condolences to you and your family.

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babyshoes
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First, Neffti Neta, I am so sorry you lost your baby. My second pregnancy ended in the same way.

I don't know your sister (or you!), but in your place I would probably tell my sister (well, if I had one) how hurt you are. Are you two close? Or might she be deliberately pushing you? I'm guessing here that she has never had a miscarriage. The "something in between" might just be pointing out to her that you are happy for her, excited to meet your new niece/nephew, but she is causing you hurt.


Again, I am sorry. It takes a long time to get over it.

Peace.

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"When Jesus said to love your enemies, I think he meant don't kill them." from a song by Linda K. Williams

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Neffti, I'm so sorry, both about your baby and about the issues with your sister. I was glad to hear the bit about your husband helping you when you lost it -- he sounds like a good nurturing person, and you need and deserve that.

GenYus may be right about cutting off contact with your sister, at least for the time being. It might be worth giving her one more chance, by telling her honestly how you feel about her using the name, and about the other issues. But that may not make any difference, and if it doesn't, you need to take care of yourself.

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DemonWolf
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I know what you are going through. I suspect that your sister is, as you said, lost in the happy pregnancy bubble. She is probably trying to include you and does not know how much it is hurting. I suggest that you call her up and invite her over to talk. Let her know that you are still greiving for your lost child and that talking baby talk is still very painful. Let her know that you love her very much and that you are very happy for her, but it is a subject that is too painful for you to discuss. Have a friend or an neutral relative there as well to help you explain it.

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kitoboo
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I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like your sister doesn't realize how much pain you are in. Either that or she is incredibly insensitive. I don't know which since I don't know her. I think it would be a good idea to talk to her about how you feel about her using the name. If you don't want to talk to her about it maybe your husband or your parents could explain how you feel to her.

Have you considered grief counselling? It sounds like you have a very supportive husband but it might help to have someone else to talk to. You can rage to a professional in ways that you often can't to friends and family.

Best wishes.

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ThistleSoftware
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If your sister DOES understand even a little bit what pain she is causing you, I think she is a terrible person.

Therefore, I think it is more likely (unless you and she have previously had a malicious relationship) that she just doesn't get it. I second the suggestion that you write her a letter, making sure to go over it a few days after you write it and before you send it out. Express to her that you realize you cannot dictate her choices but that it would mean a lot to you if she would choose a different name, lay off the baby talk for some time, and so forth. Perhaps asking as though it were a favor to you rather than a demand or something she ought to have known would help. Even if she can't quite understand the pain you're in, surely as your sister she can do a few relatively small things to make you more comfortable.

I really hope she's just obtuse and not a total jerk. If it's the later I second the suggestion that you cease contact with her, for your own mental health.

Last, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope time helps to ease the pain although I know one never forgets.

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Officially Heartless

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The Year Without A SeaPea
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Didn't you have a "heart-to-heart" and explain this to her already? Well, giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe the message wasn't clear enough. So like pretty much everyone else is saying, maybe you should explain it one more time...but then if it continues to be difficult for you and she still doesn't get it, avoid her.

She might just be in the happy pregnancy bubble, and might not even be thinking about you. So you need to think about you, and take care of yourself. Do what you need to do for YOU, so you can be the best Auntie when niece/nephew arrives.

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you can't fight biology...

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Nobody Important
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quote:
Originally posted by missiebreathe:
Your sister sounds insensitive to me. She is happy for her own child, which is great, but needs to think of someone other than herself. In my opinion you are doing really well around her. What a tough situation. You have sucked it up a lot, I am impressed by you. I don't know that I could do the same.
Tell her about the name though. Let her know how you feel. Is that her way of honoring your child you lost? Maybe as a middle name?
Hang in there, you are being a wonderful Aunt and sister! Just try and bring things up before they become heated. Those surprise moments are fueled by emotion.
Best wishes and my condolences to you and your family.

I agree with missie. A calm, face-to-face boundary-setting conversation may help defuse some of the hurt. I hope so.

The sister has the right to be pregnant. However, some of the sister's actions in the wake of her pregnancy do seem insensitive.

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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There's a difference between being obliviously insensitive and intentionally insensitive. The difference between the two is whether or not you know where the line is drawn before you cross it.

I also think it is poor taste for her to choose the same name. Even if it were purely accidental on her part that she picked the same name, it would be more respectful for her to pick another one.

I do not honestly think she got pregnant just to spite you or anything like that, but a lot of the things you have posted lately seems like she's kind of rubbing your nose in it. Maybe it's because you post when you're angry, or maybe that's how she really is acting... I don't know. But it seems truly awful of her.

I agree that you need to take a break from her. How long is up to you, but it doesn't seem that she is doing you ANY good and is only making you feel horrible. I would advise that you make it absolutely clear with her where the line is drawn, tell her that--however unwittingly--she has crossed it MANY times, and that if she continues to cross it, you are forced to avoid her until such time as you feel like you can stand the sight of her again.

I hope to god she never knows what it feels like to lose a baby. Maybe she needs to be told THAT to wake her up.

BIG HUGS

ETA: Feel free to PM me any time if you need to vent. Head it "NRN" (no response needed) if you are just getting something off your chest. Leave off the NRN if you want me to reply. MORE HUGS

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

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LolaRennt
The First USA Noel


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Has your sister always been a cruel bitch? You had a heart to heart. You had a freak out session. What more does she need?

If you want the relationship to be amicable, then you could try another heart to heart talk with her *and* her husband about the name thing. Maybe he has a conscience or at least will feel bad enough to fight her about naming the baby Arthur.

If you feel that having any interaction with her is bad for you, then stay away from her and don't provide an explanation to family members. Just tell them that you need to be left alone right now. I'm certain that some of your friends think less of her after the name bit. I certainly would and would make a point of spending time with you but not including her.

LR

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Enjal
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I agree that another heart-to-heart is needed and I especially like LolaRennt's idea of including her hubby during the conversation about the naming issue.

Trying to explain to her how you feel may be difficult. Start by making it clear that you are happy for them but that because you are still dealing with your loss that it's just very difficult for you now.

Maybe put it in different terms like: think of how you would feel if you lost your spouse and then 3 months later received an invitation to be a friend's maid of honor. While you may be thrilled for your friends happiness, it will be difficult if not impossible to share in the celebration because you are still in mourning.

I hope that's not an insensitive comparison. I've never been pregnant so I can't honestly relate with the pergnancy or loss there of but I can relate to loss of a spouse/partner.

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"I'm a leaf in the wind"
New Lungs for George

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Phaedra
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I'm so sorry you are going through this Neffti. It's bad enough when random strangers bang on about babies. I sobbed my heart out for days when my ex sister in law complained bitterly about being pregnant again soon after my third miscarriage.

I agree with others that your sister is being insensitive or at the very least in determined denial that her own baby may be at risk.

A heart to heart is a good idea but may be very difficult for you while you are still experiencing such intense emotions. Have you considered writing to her to explain what has upset you and how you feel about it? You could perhaps ask your husband or a trusted friend to help you with it.

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FrogFeathers
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I have nothing to add in the way of advice that others haven't said. Having been through a miscarriage I understand your pain.

I think you're handling yourself quite well around your sister. All I can offer is (((hugs))). I hope you can get this worked out.

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"Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?"~Pearl Forrester MST3K
Die-Hard Engineers, Big Red One my Dad's website
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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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Flipping heck. I am so touched by everyone's responses - really, you lot have helped me to trust my feelings on a night when I feared I was losing it. Thank you everyone.

Me and DH have set the evening aside to talking about how to deal with this. He has very bravely offered to talk with my sister's SO about the situation, just asking him did he know that Arthur was our first choice name for a boy and taking it from there. We are still mulling it over, and I think the letter suggestion is a very good one so we may come back to that.

We're going to take a couple of days to think, but not too long, because soon they will be having the scan that will reveal the baby's sex and then it could be a done deal in their minds - I need to speak up in some way before that happens.

I want to thank you all personally for your help and intend to do so when my head is spinning a bit less.

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Ms. Kringle
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Neffti,

Why, exactly, does your sister go out of her way to push your buttons, especially HUGE buttons like your loss?

That's not being oblivious, and that's not being wrapped up in Happy Pregnancy Land. That's being deliberately cruel, IMHO.

I think, for your own sanity, have that talk with her SO about Arthur being your chosen baby boy name, and appeal to his conscience. And then stop speaking to your sister for the time being, since she can't seem to stop herself from deliberately being an insensitive bitch.

My PM box is always open. I've miscarried too, and it's really painful, both physically and emotionally.

Ms. K

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Little Pink Pill
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Neffti Neta:
Me and DH have set the evening aside to talking about how to deal with this. He has very bravely offered to talk with my sister's SO about the situation, just asking him did he know that Arthur was our first choice name for a boy and taking it from there. We are still mulling it over, and I think the letter suggestion is a very good one so we may come back to that.

I was going to ask you if your husband might be willing to say something to your sister. After all, it was his baby, too, and maybe a comment like, "Do you know how hard it will be for us to hear you call a child by that name?" would help pop her selfish little bubble. Siblings are sometimes a little more polite with family they didn't grow up with. Sometimes.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there. Feel free to PM me if you like.

Pink

ETA--Oops, or Ms. K. Sorry, I missed that. [Smile]

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The technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.--House

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VersesBatman
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I wish you well. Your husband sounds like a real gem. You're so lucky to have him.

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Ana Ng
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Jesus. I was shocked reading the OP and I understand that emotions can make things seem worse. I mean, if I were in that position with my sister, I would hardly be able to talk about the new baby at all, much less choose the same (not too common name) and laugh about it. Either she's really socially inept here, or there's something bigger going on.

I'm sorry, Neffti- I hope she can see how mean-spirited her behavior seems and cop on, soon. [Frown]

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Ryda Wong, EBfCo.
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Neffti: Nothing more to add, but to say how sorry I am for your loss and her behavior. I hope she really is just in a "pregnancy bubble" and will realize, when told, how much she's hurt you.

May you find peace and healing.

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Zorro
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Nefti, to echo what others have said here, sort of: I'm happy about being pregnant, but I try not to talk about it around people in my life I know who have suffered miscarriage, simply because I know it can't be an easy thing for them. And none of these people are related to me. I think your sister's being insensitive, and I hope, when that is pointed out to her, she realizes the error of her ways. [[[hugs]]]

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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How about telling your sister that you and your husband DID name your lost baby that name? As in, "I know you're wanting to name your baby Arthur, but after we lost ours we held a private ceremony at home where we named our baby Arthur."

It'll be fairly non-confrontational, and should indicate exactly WHY you don't want her using that name (even if you did no such thing)

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snapdragonfly
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Aww, Neffti. I'm so sorry for your loss. And now this salt in the wound.

You got great counsel from the previous posters so I don't have much to add.

Again, I'm so sorry for your pain.

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"Wolves, dragons and vampires, man. Draw the nut-bars like big ol' nut-bar magnets." ~evilrabbit

(snurched because one of my nutbar family members is all about wolves and another one is all about dragons...)(with apologies to surfcitydogdad)

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LeaflessMapleTree
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quote:
Tell her about the name though. Let her know how you feel. Is that her way of honoring your child you lost? Maybe as a middle name?
I was thinking the same thing. Perhaps if she named the child something else, and Arthur was his middle name, you'd be able to look at it as a memorial to the baby you lost, rather than a jab at your pain. And she'd still get to have the name in there somewhere, but not as the first name.

Now you may not like that idea. But it's on the table anyway.

{{{{SUPERVIBEHUGS}}}} from me, and I hope you get this all straightened out soon.

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

Posts: 3239 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Just stick with it, and try to think of it as your baby who made a second try to get into this world.

When my father died, within a couple of days one of my coworkers had a child. Even though I don't believe in the reincarnation stuff, it still gave me some comfort. Something was taken away, but something had also arrived.

I think it will be easier for you once the child is born, and may even help you put some closure to your tragedy. Stick with it, and don't automatically assume that your sister is doing it to spite you. She is happy right now, and that sometimes makes it hard to see the pain of others. She might not recongnize that the happyness she is feeling and trying to convey to you is actually hurting you.

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/Troberg

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Zorro
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I would have thought that maybe it (the name) was her way of honoring Neffti's loss, too, except for the fact she seemed very flippant about it- if she had phrased her response more seriously, maybe asking Neffti if it was okay, then I could see it that way. But as it was written in the OP, it just sounds to me like the sister is incredibly insensitive.

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"Seize the day! Make your lives extraordinary!"
-John Keating, "Dead Poets Society"

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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Zorro's right (and thank you Zorro for coming here and talking about miscarriages when I know you don't have long to go in your pregnancy now - that's brave of you). There is a world of difference between coming to me and DH privately and saying "We are considering Arthur and wondered how you might feel about that," and saying, "I want Arthur for MY baby" across a table in a crowded bar. Granted, she claimed she didn't know I wanted that name, but I know we have talked about it before, and even if she was surprised to hear that name on Sunday and thought "What a coincidence!", she should have handled it more sensitively than that.

Troberg is right about my probably feeling better when the baby arrives. I have already gained a nephew since my miscarriage (DH's brother's son) and I love him very dearly, he's like a tiny little punk with his cross fists and his spikey hair.

More thinking still. I have decided that, when I next see my sister, I will choose a moment when I can say to her, "I'm sorry, but I think I gave you a false impression on Sunday night. I have found the thought of a nephew called Arthur extremely difficult, since I was hoping to have a baby next week and name him Arthur, and I wanted you and SO to have all the facts before you make your minds up." I might also mention the name we had chosen for a girl as well (Madeleine) so that she doesn't feel it's all about me attacking her choices. If things kick off after that, well, I am going to take a long holiday from her, knowing that I did my best and it's time to look after myself now.

We are like chalk and cheese, and she does have a sensitivity chip missing whereas I had an extra few installed. She is fiercely competitive whereas I am a (reasonably!) contented downshifter. It's your standard sibling rivalry I suppose, but I'd like to hope that there are limits to that - and this is too much.

Posts: 1157 | From: Westcountry UK "It's Bootiful" | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Neffti... anytime you need a hug, you let me know, okay?

HUUUUG!!

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Saran Wrap
I Saw Three Shipments


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A similar situation happened to me.

Three and a half years ago my husband and I lost twins. Six months later both my brother's wife and my husband's sister announced that they were pregnant. It was very difficult during their pregnancies and birth experiences, but I was able to keep my resentment for my situation from affecting my love for my nephews. My MIL wasn't so lucky. She was furious at her daughter for having a baby so soon after I lost mine, and to this day she acts like she wishes my nephew hadn't been born. [Mad]

My sisters-in-law were very understanding. It wasn't possible to avoid them completely during their pregnancies, but they never tried to chat baby-talk with me, and they understood if I left the room if the subject came up in a crowd. My brother's wife is now pregnant again, and they think it's twins. I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle that. However, after the babies are born I seem to be able to be around them without climbing the crazy tree.

It sounds like you have a wonderful husband. Please don't make my mistake: I sometimes got so wrapped up in my own grieving that I forgot my husband had lost his children, too.

If your sister refuses to acknowledge your pain, I would try to avoid her as much as is possible. After I lost my babies I had near-strangers that were so concerned over my reactions that they would't mention babies around me; your sister has no excuse for her actions.

I strongly recommend:
(a) naming your child (mine were Lydia Rose and Joshua Wyman). It helps to think of them as real people.
(b) erecting some sort of memorial as a visual focal point for your grief. I buried mine and planted Easter Lillies (I lost them on Good Friday), but I would also suggest a statue or an engraved stone. I visit the flower grave during important dates that I want to remember and contemplate, and then when I walk away I'm able to leave a little bit of my grief there, instead of carrying it everywhere with me.
(c) Fill out a baby book with all the details you can remember. It helps to keep it from going over and over in your head, and you can know that years later you won't have "lost" some of the memories.
(d) Write a letter to your baby, telling what your hopes were, your dreams, how you miss him, etc. Once again, it helps get it out of your mind, and helps validate your grief.

I hope that this has been helpful, and not just a bunch of useless words.

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"I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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Thank you for your advice Saran Wrap, and for telling me your story. I am sorry that you know how it feels.

It's interesting that you mention other family members and the pressure they can bring to the situation. My Mum has put a lot of pressure on me to make things right. She is terrified that this situation is going to blow the family apart and asks for a lot of reassurance from me that I am handling it. The one time I really got upset and went to her she became hysterical and said some very hurtful things to me. She has since apologised and admitted that she was just trying to "bang our heads together" (me and sis). I have gently pointed out to her that this isn't a competition about who's got the best mobile phone, this is something much more difficult, adn we can't be jollied or shaken out of it. Since then she begs me to talk about it and says I am shutting her out, but I am just afraid of showing my hurt again. This weekend I did speak to her again, quite calmly about how hard I'm finding it, with the due date being the 7th and all (tomorrow - eeek). She gave me a hug and said a few kind things, then looked me in the eye and said "Now, you need to stop getting yourself in a flap." I told her that that comment was hurtful to me and then endured a long spiel about being oversensitive and eventually tears from her and the usual comment that she was just doing her best. With Mum it just seems to be a case of, "Come here into my arms" and when I get there it's "Here's a list of your faults." She's just trying to fix things and is probably in a great deal of turmoil herself, but her clumsiness is hurting.

I don't know where to turn at times, but thank goodness for DH. You are right Saran Wrap, he has lost a baby too and I am so sorry that I have to bring all this extra crap to the table for him to help me mop up. I try to stay mindful of his feelings.

Wow another rant there. But it's all making me feel so much better. Thanks again snopesters.

Posts: 1157 | From: Westcountry UK "It's Bootiful" | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Saran Wrap
I Saw Three Shipments


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Neffti, my mother just wants to act like it never happened. That's what she did when she lost her baby, so that's what I need to do. [Roll Eyes] I just don't talk with her about it anymore. It does take a while to figure out who you can show your grief to without being criticized. Unfortunately, it seems like a mother ought to be one of the most supportive people to talk to, not the least.

One of the scary statistics that was quoted to me shortly after my loss was that a high percentage of couples seperate within 3 years of the loss of a child. That scared the bajeebers out of me, and yes, it's sometimes hard. There were many months when I had this weird association of "love making=babies=death=pain" which made things difficult on us. My husband just labored under the "man must not cry" burden, which didn't help.

Oops, here I go talking too much again. Sorry. I'll shut up now.

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"I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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Saran Wrap, please don't shut up! It's helping!

I can see how couples would be more likely to separate under these circumstances. DH and I have dealt with bereavement together before, but this feels more personal to me as it happened inside me, a funny kind of mixture of being alive and dead at the same time. Luckily we spotted a few months ago that we were beginning to avoid talking about it, and worse still were starting to avoid talking much to each other about anything at all in case it came up. When we spotted what was going on, we booked a holiday immediately (our first in two years - he's self-employed and rarely takes a week off most years) and it was a very healing time for both of us.

I also should say that I have two wonderful friends who are supporting me. I have known them since school, but coincidentally they are both only children whose mothers went on to try for another baby and suffered miscarriages and a stillbirth. I'm ashamed to say that I never gave this a great deal of thought until it happened to me, but now their experiences have a new resonance and I think they are also finding it helpful to talk about what it means to be the only child of parents who still grieve for siblings that never made it.

ETA - I'm glad you posted about "sex=babies=death=pain". Luckily our holiday helped us to heal the first part of that list, but I will say that I am still terrified of getting pregnant, because to me at the moment it signifies the loss of another life and possibly mine too. That's part of the problem I have with my pregnant sister - I sometimes want to shout "Run away, run away, don't do this to yourself!" I worry that pregnancy - mine or anyone else's - might never be happy news for me again. An announcement of pregnancy is a terrifying thing right now. Babies aren't so bad, although their noises and smells can make me a little weepy about what I've lost. Babies are survivors in my mind, and I'd rather feel wistful than terrified any day.

Posts: 1157 | From: Westcountry UK "It's Bootiful" | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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