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Backstory: A little over 8 months ago, my older cousin (about 25) suddenly went missing from family stories, parties, and even her grandmothers funeral. Every time we asked my aunt and uncle what had happened, she was always too busy or at home babysitting. We knew something was up, but we also knew that it was kind of none of our business if her parents and her had a bit of a falling out.
We got a call from her today. She was never at home babysitting. Evidently, she fell in love with a friend of hers that she had met in the Bahamas. This was over a long period of time, it wasn't overnight. The guy is black.
So here's the short version: She got married to him , she's incredibly happy and he treats her like a princess. They're living in a gorgeous two bedroom apartment in an amazing town. She's also six months pregnant (AHH! Yay!). We asked her if she was happy, and she told us that she was never happier.
On the other hand, because her husband *is* black, her family not only disowned her, but they kicked her out, didn't tell her that her grandmother died, and they refuse to acknowledge that they'regoing to have a grandchild.
Oh, but that's only a little bit: Evidently, she had to get a restraining order against her father. My uncle. My Godfather. He broke down their apartment door and he put a gun to his daughter's head. They've been in and out of court, it's been on CBS news...Oh jeez.
Geting past the fact that we knew NONE of this, and we're practically brothers and sisters, my Godfather put a gun to my cousin's head and was about to kill her and her husband. If he doesn't get rid of every gun he owns (he's a hunter), he'll go to jail.
I'm in shock. I have no idea what to do. My mom and I are planning to go visit her and bring her wedding gifts, baby things, the whole nine yards. We are also going to welcome her husband with wide open arms. I'm disgusted at my aunt and uncle for what they've done.
I mean, how could a parent do that to their own child??
-------------------- - ChildofMusic
"Music is one of the fairest and most glorious gifts of God." -Martin Luther Posts: 231 | From: Somewhere up in Pennsylvania | Registered: Oct 2005
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I have heard some hideous and disgusting stories of cruelty from parents via their offspring for issues like this and similar, but this has to be one of the worst (the worst being the same scenario, only the parent does pull the trigger). It's things like this that make me want to expedite the paperwork on my change of species application. We're living in a supposedly enlightened country and age, and then things like this happen.
What are they really afraid of? That your cousin's wonderful husband who obviously has more intelligence and kindness and common human decency in his pinky finger than they have their entire bodies is somehow going to pollute your family tree just by virtue of being black? Your aunt at least (since your uncle is obviously too fargone for self-evaluation) should stop and take a good, long look at this situation and figure out which is worth siding with: the gun-toting white guy who is absolutely infuriated over the color of a man's skin, or the man who treats your cousin the way any mother should want her daughter to be treated, and who just happens to be another race?
In the end, it's really their own loss if they want to cut such wonderful people (including you and your mother) out of their lives and alienate themselves from their grandchild and any future grandchildren over such a stupid and petty reason. One can only hope that someday your aunt at least (if the protection order is put on your uncle, he has no choice) will eventually come around, realize what she has done, feel some sense of remorse, and try to make amends. Although it would serve her right to be shut out, maybe your cousin, being the bigger person, will let her do so.
Good on you and your mom for supporting her and her new family, too. Give them my best and I hope they have a happy, healthy, beautiful baby, who will hopefully be raised away from such ignorance and intolerance, or with a minimum of it.
-------------------- “I really feel like this is part of my life's work....It's part of what I want to do with my time here....So if I can make a difference at all by talking openly about myself, I'm glad.” - Anthony Rapp, Without You, pp. 206-207 Posts: 592 | From: Kenduskeag, ME | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:Originally posted by A Guy Named Goo: What are they really afraid of? That your cousin's wonderful husband who obviously has more intelligence and kindness and common human decency in his pinky finger than they have their entire bodies is somehow going to pollute your family tree just by virtue of being black? Your aunt at least (since your uncle is obviously too fargone for self-evaluation) should stop and take a good, long look at this situation and figure out which is worth siding with: the gun-toting white guy who is absolutely infuriated over the color of a man's skin, or the man who treats your cousin the way any mother should want her daughter to be treated, and who just happens to be another race?
Unfortunately, my aunt has already chosen. She lied for my uncle in court.
The problem is, that family does think that a color of a man's skin, no matter how he treats their daughter, is going to pollute the family tree. To them, it doesn't matter if he wins the "Best, Most Loving Husband" award. As long as he's black, he's worthless.
I'm so disgusted with them I would be happy to disown them myself.
-------------------- - ChildofMusic
"Music is one of the fairest and most glorious gifts of God." -Martin Luther Posts: 231 | From: Somewhere up in Pennsylvania | Registered: Oct 2005
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Your aunt and uncle sound like supreme idiots. When my aunt's boyfriend died we found out that nobody knew where his daughter was because she had been disowned for marrying a black man. Some people are so stupid. I do hope, for your cousin's sake, that things get worked out.
-------------------- "I have a very cunning plan." Posts: 506 | From: Texas | Registered: Jul 2003
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So the dates in this retelling are going to be a bit off (as I've been generally an impartial observer and was also to young at the time to care much), but it's sort of relevant.
My family has a friend who is gay and came out... somewhere between 15 and 20 years ago. My parents and I, of course, could care less but unfortunately the friends own parents had a different perspective on the issue. In fact both the mother and father almost completely disowned him and didn't talk to him for over a good 10 - 12 years.
I grant you that the parents in this case didn't threaten their sons life with a gun to the head (or anything else for that matter), but they did completely cut him out of their lives and only some 12 years later began to accept the fact he was gay. Even then the father took another 2 or 3 years after that to warm up to the truth.
It's sad that prejudice can still rule a persons' life and your Godfather should definetely not be forgiven (at least immediately) for what he has done. Chances are both his and his wife's opinions aren't going to change anytime soon (if ever). And likely, this won't be the last you've heard of it... Unfortunately if they are ever going to change their opinion it will have to be something the two of them recognize for themselves; Alienating them, generally, will not help the situation now, nor will it further down the line.
In this case, sadly, one just have to have faith that they will in fact realize their mistake and turn themselves around even if it isn't for a few decades.
ETA: IMHO, YMMV
-------------------- When p.c. actions become so inane they're absurd, my opinions won't be far behind. Posts: 102 | From: Regina, SK, Canada | Registered: Nov 2005
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ChildofMusic, I don't understand how someone could do that to their child, either. Maybe we should be glad we don't understand it.
Good for you and your mom for siding with your cousin. If your uncle and aunt "disown" you over that, I think you can count it as a net gain: you get rid of them and gain your cousin's new husband and baby. Sort of like having your beater car stolen and getting a new Beamer.
Congrats to your cousin and her husband.
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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I can't believe parents would dissown their child over something like this. they couldn't be happy that their daughter had found a wonderful, decent man to marry?
it's a pity that they want nothing to do with her. but if they're that set in their ways, they won't change.
Posts: 39 | From: California | Registered: Dec 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Lainie: ChildofMusic, I don't understand how someone could do that to their child, either. Maybe we should be glad we don't understand it.
Good for you and your mom for siding with your cousin. If your uncle and aunt "disown" you over that, I think you can count it as a net gain: you get rid of them and gain your cousin's new husband and baby. Sort of like having your beater car stolen and getting a new Beamer.
Congrats to your cousin and her husband.
Lainie, I love your analogy!
Child, I hope you and your parents give your cousin and her husband all the support they will NOT be getting from your aunt and uncle. Having dealt with family disowning situations, I know how tough they are. Obviously your cousin is not of the same ilk as her parents.
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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You've already chosen side, just make sure you do it clearly so that everybody involved know. The best way to handle people like this (the aunt and uncle) is to freeze them out until they realize they are wrong or go away.
-------------------- /Troberg Posts: 4360 | From: Borlänge, Sweden | Registered: Nov 2005
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Something similar happened in my extended family in that a young cousin had a child with and eventually married a black man (they are now about to have their second child).
Her immediate family was not known as the most open-minded people so I was concerned about how they would react. I was pleasantly surprised - they have really embraced her new family.
I hope somehow your aunt and uncle have a change of heart and realize how much they are missing.
Posts: 482 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2004
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Well, I have experienced this firsthand. I am in a bi-racial marriage of 16 years. My parents were the same way, except I was in Alaska when they found out or they would have broken down the door and put a gun to my head. I knew how they would react so I chose not to tell them right away. I was disowned and didn't speak to them for about 2 years. Then it seems my father started therapy for panic attacks he was having. Through the therapy he realized what he did was wrong and asked for my forgiveness for the things he said to me and the way I was treated. He passed away in 1999 and I am so glad we were able to overcome this and make our peace with each other.
So, hopefully over time you cousin's family can forgive and be happy.
-------------------- And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!! Posts: 521 | From: St. Louis, MO | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Originally posted by ChildofMusic: I'm so disgusted with them I would be happy to disown them myself.
That sounds like an excellent idea.
-------------------- Officially Heartless Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by ChildofMusic: I'm so disgusted with them I would be happy to disown them myself.
That sounds like an excellent idea.
I'll third the notion.
By the way, when dealing with uncle & aunt do not let negative emotions (anger, despair, etc) get in the way.
If you want to make statement that really, really leaves a mark... be cordial, even polite with them as you're telling them that you're about to cease acknowledging that they even exist. Ranting at them might make you feel better but it is easier for them to dimiss you.
I suppose they've never sent you some sort of present that has monetary or sentimental value (something they would clearly recognise as a gift they gave you)? If so, returning it to them would be fairly symbolic.
-------------------- "victory thru self-deception" Posts: 2211 | From: Western Australia | Registered: Jun 2005
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I don't think you should disown them. If there is ever going to be reconciliation the lines of communication should remain open.
If the best revenge is living well there has to be someone who can let the evil aunt and uncle know how the cousin is doing. Say things like "The baby is so cute. I think s/he looks just like you."
I think it would also be go to remind the aunt and uncle in person that what they did was not acceptable. You could sprinkle convrsation with stuff like "not even if you put a gun to my head."
Now, if you really think they would get violent over these subtle jabs then all bets are off and ignore the suckers. It's their loss.
Posts: 1168 | From: Missouri | Registered: Oct 2005
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My family (distaff side) disowned a cousin for this reason. The stress of this led, in part, to a divorce. At which point, they told her she was welcome back. Boggles the mind. Apparently, for hyper-fundies (like my family, not necessarily the one in the OP), a divorce (which they hate and see as highly immoral) is better than having a person of a different race in the family.
As to the OP, I'm surprised that the gun-waving father isn't in jail already. I'd think that even removing all guns wouldn't remove the danger.
Brrr. Scary
-------------------- So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus: Posts: 3216 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Dec 2005
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Yikes, and yuck. I'm so sorry. All I can say is to love your cousin and her new family as much as you can. This world needs more love and less hate.
-------------------- If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.
-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman Posts: 1475 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Jan 2006
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I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Be there for the child and family. The rest may eventually get it. I wouldn't count on it but I think you've picked the right side.
As far as "teh gay" goes, I've dealt with that. My Godfather is gay. When I was very young I wasn't allowed to visit with him because my family thought there would be questions about his "room mate". I still wonder about that... if they died that's the people I would've lived with. I felt terribly unwanted. It wasn't until I was about 12 that I realized what was going on. When I was 5-6 I just didn't know why I couldn't go over to play with the guiena pig (a stupid thing to be upset by but I was a child). We always met in public or away from his home. To this day I don't know why they didn't want me to find out he was gay. We had plenty of gay friends. I didn't understand the sex aspect of it back then but I knew there were same sex families. Heck even at 21 my parents were reluctant to mention the male couple we were vactioning with were gay (even though we send the couple x-mas cards every year). I hate to tell them but I kind of figured out the relationship long before the cruise. I believe my father honestly thinks people can catch "teh gay" (but only if they know about "teh gay"). Oddly my godfather was his friend (since kindgarten) that he choose... he just wouldn't acknowledge the fact that he was gay. Ok dad, he's not gay, he's just 'married' to a man... I got it.
Luckily race has never been an issue in my family. In fact Mary Louise would always sign her cards "your black grandma". She's actually mixed* (although her husband was really dark). I don't think anyone is "pure" in today's society. The world has just gotten smaller. You can fly to the other side of it in a day.
Sorry this was longer than I intended but I think its really sad that such stupid things can cause family troubles. One would've thought we've come further than that as a society. It does hurt the children. In my case I had access to my godfather but not at his home. It made me feel completely unwanted by the person who was to take care of me if something were to happen to my parents... all to try and hide the fact he was gay.
I think showing your approval of the wedding and especially the child is the best thing you can do. You can't change (or perhaps even understand) other people. But you can be there for your family.
*"black grandma" is light skinned but defined herself as black. This was always incredibly funny at certain dinner parties. I know one elderly guy that tells racist jokes and he'll look around for black people before he tells them. Although he never notices Mary Louise is black. I don't like laughing at such jokes but that just cracks me up every time.
Seriously though she was married to a dark black man in Montgomery Alabama in the late 40s and they couldn't even find a resturant to serve them (and he was in the military, protecting this country, at the time). They spent their honeymoon eatting popcorn in the park. Her husband, James Diggs, founded the Diggs gallery at Winston-Salem State university. They never let predjudice hold them back but I'm not going to deny that it did exist... and I guess it still does. Pitty.
-------------------- "The question for joining the protected forum for real magicians should be:
What is the use of women?" Steve W. from JREF's 'This is no fun' Posts: 7622 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2002
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I think the best thing you can do right now is what you're already planning on doing -- to be as supportive as possible of your cousin and her new family. She's had her support network violently ripped out from under her, and with a new baby coming, she's going to need help. You can also show her husband that not ALL of his new wife's family are raving psychos.
Hopefully, her husband's family are treating her better than her family are.
Personally, I don't think a reconciliation is something that should be considered for a very long time. There are some things that burn bridges in such a way as to make them nearly impossible to rebuild, and I'd say that holding a gun to your daughter's head is probably one of those things. I know that if I were in your cousin's position, it would be a very, very long time before I was willing to allow my father in the same house as my child, and I would also feel that it would be an insult to my husband for me to forgive him.
Posts: 533 | From: Davis, CA | Registered: Apr 2006
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I say support her as well but don't make her feel overwhelmed by your gifts (pregnancy hormones) I have to gather my thoughts about what I want to say about my father before I post (so you get the whole gist) but he has only seen my son less than 5 times and I'm ok with that, its HIS loss. My husband is spanish...you would think he would be happy he isn't black right? (I'll elaborate later) Blah!
-------------------- "Fate is like a strange, unpopular resturant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never ask for and don't always like."-Lemony Snicket Posts: 1119 | From: Bronx, NY | Registered: Dec 2005
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I recently found out one of my cousins also had a child by a black man, and I nearly wept as she told me that my uncle was telling her not to bring the child here to see us! He had apparently kicked her out many times for dating black guys. He JUST NOW, after a year or so, is playing with the poor kid but never calls himself grandpa or anything like that. I was totally stunned, and just sat around shaking with anger for a long time..
Posts: 35 | From: GA, USA | Registered: Mar 2006
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Some of the anecdotes I'm reading are so sad, but the words of wisdom are very appreciated.
My mom and I have decided that we will do everything that her family refuses to do. Her husband has agreed that he would call us as soon as she went into labor, so we could be there for her at the hospital. We're also getting her a gigantic basket of baby things.
Personally, I can't wait to meet her husband. He sounds like a great guy, and anyone that makes someone in my family so happy deserves to be welcomed with open arms and big hugs.
I found a newspaper article on the whole thing online. Just seeing it there in print made it so much more real, and I broke down in tears.
And the problem? We can't tell my aunt and uncle that we know. She told us in confidence. We have to pretend that everything's hunky-dory around them, when I can barely stand to think about them right now. If they knew, not only would they make it that much worse for my cousin, but Heaven only knows what they might do to us.
-------------------- - ChildofMusic
"Music is one of the fairest and most glorious gifts of God." -Martin Luther Posts: 231 | From: Somewhere up in Pennsylvania | Registered: Oct 2005
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
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I've thought about this, about how someone could do that to his own child. I have decided that he could do it only if he never loved that child to begin with. The parents who do things like this see their children only as extensions of themselves and worry only about how their society with judge them (which is why they often say "How could you do this to me?"). It's all about the parent
And women who chose a man -- even the child's father -- over a child never loved the child very much. They are desperately miserable self-centered women.
Can you tell I feel just a tad strongly about this sort of thing?
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:Originally posted by ChildofMusic: Some of the anecdotes I'm reading are so sad, but the words of wisdom are very appreciated.
My mom and I have decided that we will do everything that her family refuses to do. Her husband has agreed that he would call us as soon as she went into labor, so we could be there for her at the hospital. We're also getting her a gigantic basket of baby things.
Personally, I can't wait to meet her husband. He sounds like a great guy, and anyone that makes someone in my family so happy deserves to be welcomed with open arms and big hugs.
I found a newspaper article on the whole thing online. Just seeing it there in print made it so much more real, and I broke down in tears.
And the problem? We can't tell my aunt and uncle that we know. She told us in confidence. We have to pretend that everything's hunky-dory around them, when I can barely stand to think about them right now. If they knew, not only would they make it that much worse for my cousin, but Heaven only knows what they might do to us.
CoM, I'd like to open by saying that I agree with you that your aunt and uncle have behaved rather...badly. (what a mild way to put it!) I think it's wonderful that you and your mother are stepping in to welcome this man into your family, and support your cousin. BUT:
You're worried about what they would do to you when they find out. And at this point, it really is just a matter of when. Nothing stays a secret forever, sooner or later something is going to slip. I don't understand why your aunt and uncle even still have access to make it worse for your cousin after what has already transpired. Are they violating the restraining order? And if you're that worried about what they'll do to you and your mother, then maybe you should rethink your relationship with them. Don't go to their functions. Don't pretend everything is ok. I don't know the ins and outs of your family, and I don't pretend to, but in a similar (though not racial oriented) situation in my family, I made damned sure that no one was going to have an effect on how I viewed my family members. If your aunt and uncle are threatening you, or start threatening you, take legal action. Don't let them get away with this. I have no doubt that your cousin is going through some great difficulty right now with the whole situation. Is she seeking counseling? Perhaps that would be a good idea. I can't even imagine what I would feel like or how I would sort it out if my father did something like this to me.
I guess what I'm more or less trying to say is that at some point, you're going to have to draw a line, and it's probably better done sooner than later. Not right this second, but certainly before they can even have a chance to fire off the "how could you do this behind our backs!?!?!?" ammo.
Good luck to you and your cousin and all involved.
-------------------- Katesune: We still can't find the way to albuquerque, and glisp won't stop to ask for directions. Glisp42: Of course not. I know where I'm going, I just don't know where I am right now
Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
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quote:Originally posted by Salamander:
quote:Originally posted by ThistleS:
quote:Originally posted by ChildofMusic: I'm so disgusted with them I would be happy to disown them myself.
That sounds like an excellent idea.
I'll third the notion.
I was going to fourth it, but then I reconsidered... and then again, considering the gun business, it's absolutely beyond the stage where you should be wondering what to do anyway so this is irrelevant.
I've no idea how your family dynamic works, so this may be a ridiculous and obvious suggestion that you've already tried. And given the fact that violent assault and possible jail sentences are already on the table then it's probably far too late anyway, and social situations simply won't arise.
But theoretically, if it was earlier in the "situation" and you'd had the same conversation with your cousin (minus the gun part), then I'd say that the next time you see your Aunt and Uncle you should simply ask why your cousin wasn't there, tell them that you'd heard she was married, and keep pressing it until they came clean and told you what was going on. Hopefully they would be ashamed. Hopefully you could help to change their mind, simply by questioning whether their viewpoint was reasonable at every stage, and making it clear that you disagreed.
If that failed to have an effect then you could disown them.
Then again, given the gun and the possible prison sentence, this is no longer an issue. It's already happened and is out of your hands - simply wait for it to resolve itself (edit - I mean, legally resolve itself; there may be no other resolution and you're already on the right side as far as taking sides goes) and support your cousin and her husband. There's nothing else you can do. I wouldn't want to talk to your Aunt and Uncle either.
I guess I'm coming from a family where strong family relationships are important and we try to be supportive all round. So this would never have happened in my family in the first place and therefore the optimistic, "everybody is nice really", advice doesn't apply.
Posts: 8725 | From: Ipswich - the UK's 9th Best Place to Sleep! | Registered: Feb 2000
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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
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Sometimes stupid ideas are some burnt into your brain that you can't let them go. Stupid ideas like "it's wrong to be gay" or "the races shouldn't mix." They are so burnt in that you don't even see that they are stupid. And you try to raise your children to have the same stupid ideas that you have. When they turn out to think that those stupid ideas are in fact stupid you feel disappointed. When they grow up and are gay or have a mixed race relationship you feel extremely disappointed and like a horrible failure. You might resort to violence to beat your stupid ideas into your children's heads. Or you might be so dissapointed in how your child turned out that it is easier to pretend you never had a child than to acknowlege your failure as a parent. Sometimes people invoke tough love for things that the rest of the world doesn't understand.
If the parents really hold their own small mindedness and bigotry close to their hearts, marrying out of the race and having a mixed race baby is like going on a crime spree, doing drugs, and then stealing from the family. It is about the worst thing a person can do.
Support your cousin and her hubby, but stay out of their relationship or lack or relationship with her parents. Not only is your uncle out of control about this, but it is their problem to work out or not work out on their own.
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
quote:Originally posted by Rhiandmoi: Sometimes stupid ideas are some burnt into your brain that you can't let them go. .... If the parents really hold their own small mindedness and bigotry close to their hearts, marrying out of the race and having a mixed race baby is like going on a crime spree, doing drugs, and then stealing from the family. It is about the worst thing a person can do. .
My dad had such ideas. When I was in collge, I mentioned to him that one of my friends that he had met once had a black boyfriend. He was so emotionally distraught because "she seemed like such a nice girl" (Well, she IS, Dad...) He just about made himself sick over it, wondering if her parents knew and if he should find some way to let them know.
One of my HS friends has a similar situation with her cousin but without the violence. When she found out the reason for the shunning, she just thought, "Oh well that makes sense then."
I doubt anything will change your aunt and uncles' mind for a long time, so I would also tend to be low key, without lying, about your support of your cousin.
Posts: 326 | From: Hawaii | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by infoseeker822: I can't believe parents would dissown their child over something like this. they couldn't be happy that their daughter had found a wonderful, decent man to marry?
it's a pity that they want nothing to do with her. but if they're that set in their ways, they won't change.
I feel that any parent who would disown their child for this reason don't really love the child and the child is better off without them in their lives. It is amazing that people are that hung up on the collar of someones skin. You'd think they'd be happy she met a man who teats her like gold. Which would they rather have a white man who beats the crap out of her or a black or any other minority for that matter man who treats her they way a woman should be treted. It amazes me some parents can be so shallow. I"m glad to hear you and your mom sided with your cousin and if your Aunt and Uncle disown you too. Well, you're better off without them. Congrats to you're cousin and her husband on the upcomming birth of their child. p s Do they know if it is a boy or girl. congrats to them again.
Ever notice how we always fall in love? We never climb gently in to love, or step lightly in to love. If love is such a good thing than why is it described as a fall. Posts: 918 | From: La Salle Illinois USA | Registered: Sep 2003
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quote:Originally posted by ChildofMusic: I found a newspaper article on the whole thing online. Just seeing it there in print made it so much more real, and I broke down in tears.
And the problem? We can't tell my aunt and uncle that we know. She told us in confidence. We have to pretend that everything's hunky-dory around them, when I can barely stand to think about them right now. If they knew, not only would they make it that much worse for my cousin, but Heaven only knows what they might do to us.
Well if it was in the paper then you could let your aunt and uncle know that you know and just say you found out from the paper/tv whatever. You don't have to let them know that your cousin ever told you anything.
Posts: 177 | From: Orlando, Florida | Registered: Jan 2006
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A guy I graduated from high school with came out of the closet a few years later, and his parents disowned him. My mother used to be quite friendly with the parents, since this guy and I were in school together since kindergarten, but when I told her about that, she let me know what she thought about any parent who would disown their child for anything, especially something like that, in language not fitting for this forum.
She was not friendly with them anymore. And they moved out of town a few years after that, so she hasn't spoken with them in close to ten years.
I just don't get the whole disowning thing. Apparently, neither does my mother.
-------------------- "Seize the day! Make your lives extraordinary!" -John Keating, "Dead Poets Society" Posts: 2861 | From: New Jersey | Registered: May 2004
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Well, they told my parents last night. Everything. Evidently, since their court case landed all over the papers, they figured that if they don't tell us, we would figure out in another way.
The stories differ a bit, but I'm still going with what my cousin said. My uncle is telling us that the guy married my cousin to get his greencard. For some reason, I just don't believe that. Especially since they're so happy together. I think my uncle is trying to "justify" what he did. Yeah, right.
We don't yet know whether the baby is a boy or girl. We were only able to talk to her once so far, and that's when she was telling us what went on. We're going to call her again really soon so we can find out whether she knows. Then, baby shopping!
I don't know what my parents did when they told them. My dad actually seems to believe my uncle. However, he has the same thoughts and views, unfortunately. I was once in an interracial relationship, and my dad made my life a living hell. Even though the guy treated me like an angel, I couldn't bear what my dad was doing to us and let him go.
My mom is with me. We're siding with my cousin. And we're still going to welcome her husband joyfully.
-------------------- - ChildofMusic
"Music is one of the fairest and most glorious gifts of God." -Martin Luther Posts: 231 | From: Somewhere up in Pennsylvania | Registered: Oct 2005
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:Originally posted by Zorro: A guy I graduated from high school with came out of the closet a few years later, and his parents disowned him. My mother used to be quite friendly with the parents, since this guy and I were in school together since kindergarten, but when I told her about that, she let me know what she thought about any parent who would disown their child for anything, especially something like that, in language not fitting for this forum. She was not friendly with them anymore. And they moved out of town a few years after that, so she hasn't spoken with them in close to ten years.
I just don't get the whole disowning thing. Apparently, neither does my mother.
I hope those parents don't think people like your mom stopped being friendly because their son is gay rather than because of their response to his being gay.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Me too. Although, if they disowned their own child, I'm really not sure I care too much what they thought.
-------------------- "Seize the day! Make your lives extraordinary!" -John Keating, "Dead Poets Society" Posts: 2861 | From: New Jersey | Registered: May 2004
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:Originally posted by Zorro: Me too. Although, if they disowned their own child, I'm really not sure I care too much what they thought.
I wouldn't want your mother's actions (with which I agree) to have supported the parents' perception that the son being gay is sooooo bad that their friends would stop speaking to them because of it. It would just encourage them in their thinking that he[/]i ruined [i]their life, making reconciliation even more unlikely.....if that's what the son might want. If.
ETA: Let me be perfectly clear -- I want people like those parents to know that their behavior is unacceptable to your mom and good people like her. I want it perfectly clear to them that they are the assholes of the world. I want them to know that with no doubt or reservations. I want them to know that they are shunned because they chose to shun their son.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
In defense of my parents, let me explain a little further. My parents are older, I was married at 21. My parents were in their late 30's when they had me, so they were 59-60 when I got married, they were born in the early 1930's, they were raised in a time that it was common to feel that way about mixed marriages. Not that I am saying that excuses their actions, but I can understand the way they felt. And I knew growing up that's how they felt. My parents were NOT racist or prejudiced, that's just how it was. I don't feel as though they did not love when they disowned, but they were extremely disappointed in me. I knew I was doing nothing wrong and I even said "would you rather me marry a white guy who'd gonna beat me" and my dad said yes. But, I knew somehow, someway, they would come around eventually and they did. That's the important part.
-------------------- And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!! Posts: 521 | From: St. Louis, MO | Registered: Mar 2006
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