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Author Topic: A *birthday* registry?!
Ryda Wong, EBfCo.
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Rhiandmoi:
I know that doing the default just because it is the default is your least favorite thing in the entire universe, but some people like having an unexplored life and like doing the default because it is the default. And what if through careful exploration the majority of people decide that this is the most important thing they will do in their life?

Perfectly fine if they want to do that. That doesn't mean we shouldn't analyze, shut down conversation, or that those that make decisions of that sort should react with dismay because it irritates others. Just because they made a choice doesn't mean that everone has forfitted the right to commentary.

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So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus:

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Mistletoey Chloe
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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If I'm not interested in the direction a thread is taking, I tend to stop reading it. Or skim the posts I'm not interested in to focus on the ones more related to the part of the discussion I find interesting, which may or may not be the part most closely related to the OP. This saves me from complaining that other people are not posting properly.

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~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~

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Ryda Wong, EBfCo.
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Look. The first responses were along the lines of "Oh my god! What WAS she thinking." My point was that she had a point and a genuine reason to be annoyed, and that, even if the way she expressed it was gauche, it would be helpful to all concerned if they understood her point.

Other people disagreed with my analysis. I responded. If they didn't want to have the conversation, I would have stopped posting responses.....

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So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus:

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Sue Bee
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Ryda Wong:


And the ridiculious amount of attention paid to couples getting married is part of the reason the cousin is so ticked (read the OP).

I did read the OP. I spend far more time reading than I do posting.
I really find that you're stretching a wee bit on this to make your POV germane to the OP. That's all. I think that you have such powerful views on this that perhaps it would be better to start a new thread to explore why it is that this society has promoted the concept of marriage to be so important to a female, instead of accomplishment. You'd possibly get a lot more participation and discussion related to this topic because, well, it's the actual topic.

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NeeCD
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Ryda Wong:
Look. The first responses were along the lines of "Oh my god! What WAS she thinking." My point was that she had a point and a genuine reason to be annoyed, and that, even if the way she expressed it was gauche, it would be helpful to all concerned if they understood her point.

All well and good except that the cousin is getting married in the near future and so has no excuse. "oh, I'm jealous that my friends are getting gifts" is stupid when you consider that in less than a year she will too. I think that's the point.

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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
What does "Bookachow", "YOMANK!" and other lingo mean?

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Para
Deck the Malls


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Meanwhile, back at the OT... In my family, only immediate family ever bother to get you birthday presents after you reach school-age. Obviously she's older than that. I realise this is only my upbringing talking, but it seems tacky to me for her to be *expecting* her extended family to get her anything at all.

ETA: Whoops, forgot the grandparents! They'd send you things too, if they remembered.

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"But what of the golden spider-duck and the squat crimson pig?"

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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Ryda Wong:
quote:
Originally posted by Rhiandmoi:
I know that doing the default just because it is the default is your least favorite thing in the entire universe, but some people like having an unexplored life and like doing the default because it is the default. And what if through careful exploration the majority of people decide that this is the most important thing they will do in their life?

Perfectly fine if they want to do that. That doesn't mean we shouldn't analyze, shut down conversation, or that those that make decisions of that sort should react with dismay because it irritates others. Just because they made a choice doesn't mean that everone has forfitted the right to commentary.
I am just wondering because you seem to think that if only people thought more they would all agree with you. As for the right to commentary, outside of message boards commentary is extremely rude, so I hope you don't harp on happy brides in your real life.

I mean I happen to agree with you, that getting married is a minor event in the scheme of things and that graduation, buying a home, and having a baby are much bigger deals. But your attitude seems to be very smug and condenscending and "Boy are all these people excited about weddings stupid" and while you rail on about stereotypes and all that, you are still going to get married. And I would bet that you will be excited about it. And you will want the people around you to share your excitement. And while it might not be the most important thing you ever do, I'll bet you will find it in your top 10, and definately something that you will feel like celbrating in some way. And if I'm wrong I'll send you a cookie.

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I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.

What is .02 worth?

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PallasAthena
Xboxing Day


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Part of what makes weddings a big deal is the fact that two families are becoming one really big family. That's how it worked for me anyway. Now, my parents and my in-laws hang out, email, and are great friends. We even all got together for Christmas this past year and had a grand, noisy time. My Mom and MIL are hillarious when they get together. They are like sisters. I guess that's not normal, but I think it's something to celebrate.

Just to be clear, I don't have a problem with the institution of gift giving. What I have a problem with is people who feel they are entitled to get stuff any time something happens.

The cousing in the OP is behaving in an extremely childish and inappropriate way. Not only do her friend's weddings have nothing to do with her, but she has her own wedding coming up soon where she is sure to receive many gifts from those around her! Unbelievable.

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"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about." --Ray Nagin

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mattie
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Rhiandmoi:
....snip

But your attitude seems to be very smug and condenscending and "Boy are all these people excited about weddings stupid" and while you rail on about stereotypes and all that, you are still going to get married. And I would bet that you will be excited about it. And you will want the people around you to share your excitement. And while it might not be the most important thing you ever do, I'll bet you will find it in your top 10, and definately something that you will feel like celbrating in some way. And if I'm wrong I'll send you a cookie.

I could be wrong, but I think that Ryda isn't saying that getting married isn't an exciting event, just that in her life, the people around her place that far above her scholarly accomplishments.

Of course all perceptions are skewed. My parents would be happier with a promotion than a wedding, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be happy if I were to decide to wed.

Some of my other family members, however, are more the type to ask "but when is she getting married?". They do see marriage as the "end all be all."

ETA - I wish birthday registries were "allowed." Having just been through mine, I spent more time trying to help my friends and family think of gifts for me than actually celebrating! [Wink] It would be nice to tastefully have a list of possibilities rather than go through the whole song and dance with people that insist on being nice and getting me a gift - to the point of harassment when I try to protest the need/want of anything. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have so many caring people, but sometimes it went past the point of ridiculousness.

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I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies, all I want is someone to believe.

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Rebochan the Retail Reindeer
Good King Wal-Mart


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Ryda, as pointed out elsewhere, my cousin *is* getting married in the future and *will* likely have a bridal registry and all the attendant wedding stuff. Therefore, the behavior is hypocritical.

It's also rude to hop into a tangentially related thread and just complain about a personal topic with no relevance. You have the power to do it, but none of us here are required to accept it and are more than welcome to tell you your opinions are not related to the subject. I wanted advice, not a compeltely different rant. Rantidote is plenty large enough for you to have your wedding rant and clearly, more than a few people are willing to join you - when it is relevant to the topic.

Nobody here is saying my cousin has no right to be jealous - if all that happened was my cousin was jealous of her friends getting married and had unloaded it on me, then I wouldn't be posting here because her feelings are not a rant and I would actually feel somewhat in synch with her, though I'm far further from being married than she is.

What we are objecting to is her attitude - she dealt with her jealousy by feeling she is entitled to something for her birthday. Just a birthday! Not a housewarming, not even a helpful suggestion to someone asking her for gift ideas. And your standards indicate that "existence" is probably worth the same as marriage because you haven't done anything at all, just processed oxygen.

So bring societal views of marriage into the equation at all when clearly my cousin's views on marriage were completely irrelevant to the entire discussion?

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"One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings." -- Diogenes

"Vote Republican! We won't burn you at the stake for your religious beliefs or slaughter your family and steal your land." -- Ramblin' Dave

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Mistletoey Chloe
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I was unaware that beginning a thread gave you the right to control it.

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~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~

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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Is she approaching a milestone birthday?

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I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.

What is .02 worth?

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Rebochan the Retail Reindeer
Good King Wal-Mart


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quote:
Originally posted by Chloe:
I was unaware that beginning a thread gave you the right to control it.

I wasn't trying to control it, I was trying to point out to Ryda why her comments in this particular thread weren't being well-received. I didn't realize the person who started a thread had no right to say anything about the direction it was taking.

Rhiandmoi, she's turning 25, which is a nice quarter-century number, but after 21, I always figured it was the round numbers. But I also try to do my gift-giving specialties on birthdays instead of Christmas anyway.

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"One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings." -- Diogenes

"Vote Republican! We won't burn you at the stake for your religious beliefs or slaughter your family and steal your land." -- Ramblin' Dave

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Ryda Wong, EBfCo.
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Super Sloppy Rebochan:
I was trying to point out to Ryda why her comments in this particular thread weren't being well-received. I didn't realize the person who started a thread had no right to say anything about the direction it was taking.

Point taken. I didn't consider them off-topic, but I accede that others certainly did. I apologize for derailing.

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So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus:

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Mistletoey Chloe
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Well, thank goodness for that. Perhaps now we can get back to which language is the most difficult..

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~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~

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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Super Sloppy Rebochan:
quote:
Originally posted by Chloe:
I was unaware that beginning a thread gave you the right to control it.

I wasn't trying to control it, I was trying to point out to Ryda why her comments in this particular thread weren't being well-received. I didn't realize the person who started a thread had no right to say anything about the direction it was taking.

Rhiandmoi, she's turning 25, which is a nice quarter-century number, but after 21, I always figured it was the round numbers. But I also try to do my gift-giving specialties on birthdays instead of Christmas anyway.

I think that turning the big 2-5 has something to do with the upsurge in childish behavior. I was pretty miffed that no-one in my family seemed to notice when I turned 25. But I tend to get miffed around my birthdays anyway. Stupid holiday birthday.

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I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.

What is .02 worth?

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Morgaine La Raq Star
The "Was on Sale" Song


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quote:
Originally posted by Chloe:
Well, thank goodness for that. Perhaps now we can get back to which language is the most difficult..

Why, its Klingon of course!

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I cannot live without books-Thomas Jefferson *~* A child educated only at school is an uneducated child - George Santayana
I'm going to pummel you with such zeal, Buddha will explode! *~* Never miss a good chance to shut up - Will Rogers

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bthyb
WiFi Christmas


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quote:
Originally posted by Rhiandmoi:
But I tend to get miffed around my birthdays anyway. Stupid holiday birthday.

You too? My birthday is Christmas.

It's cool now, though - I have a party that night, and most people show up, because they're done with family stuff earlier in the day.

And I'm Jewish, so the presents thing wasn't an issue.

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If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.

-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman

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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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My birthday is late November and is always brushed aside for Thanksgiving. I have become quite unreasonable about my birthday. The major tantrums of my adult life all have to do with feeling like no one cares that it is my birthday. Now I know that most people really don't care. But I think my grandparents and ya know the Boyfriend ought to. I have declared that I will never eat turkey on my birthday again so if I get stuck with the fourth Thursday I will be thankful for the pilgrims not starving to death that first winter some other day. On this I will not budge. Is there an icon for pouting and stamping feet?

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I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.

What is .02 worth?

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mgbdriver
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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My birthday is New Year's Eve. Everybody tells me how cool it is that everybody has a party on my birthday.

It's just that I'm never invited to any of them.

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"Chuck E. Cheese called. They want their band back."

my blog
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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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You share your birthday with my aunt mgbdriver. She says the worst thing is eating KFC every year because she doesn't want to cook on her bday, but she doesn't want to pay $100/person to go out to dinner either.

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I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.

What is .02 worth?

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Jocko's Jolly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Morgaine La Raq Star:
quote:
Originally posted by Canuckistan:
That's a really good idea, Morgaine. For kids. With grandparents far away.*

It's very different when you set up one for yourself just because you want gifts.

Any sympathy I had went out the window after that little act.

*I may get my sister to do something like that for my nephew when he gets a little older. That way, no guessing what he needs.

Well, I *did* set it up because my kids want gifts. And I do have my own wishlist I send my brother every Christmas & he does the same. What I usually do is a physical list with a link to their Amazon.com wishlist so the grandparents can look & see what a Silly Sally Sparkles doll looks like & about how much she costs before they go to the store.

I realize it is different. I just remember past threads where people have argued that any kind of birthday or Christmas wishlist is inappropriate. I was trying to say that while what she was doing was inappropriate, there is a time & a place for a wishlist.

My family has always done lists, from when we were kids and went through the toy catalogs, but then we were a Navy family, so relatives were usually far away. I'm of two minds about the lists, so I tend to do the general ones -- DD likes Barbie, DS#1 like Star Wars, etc. DH doesn't understand about the lists at all, but then his family gives money a lot, which my family would "never" do, so there you are. We came up with our own compromise: nieces and nephews get prezzies until about 10 or so, then money or gift cards until 18, then nothing. Graduations and weddings are money, showers and births are prezzies, christenings are a present and a bond. Parents and siblings always get prezzies even in his family, so that was easy. We don't do Christmas presents with his siblings and don't do birthday presents with siblings on either side (unless it were a special one, for which there would be a party).

It can be complicated, but it works for us.

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Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe

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Jocko's Jolly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Aud:
Why is it that gifts between two people is okay but the gift I give a friend on the occassion of their wedding isn't. That's still between two people.

Okay - baby showers. We really couldn't have done it without the baby showers. Too much money was tied up with lawyers and the social workers. Sorry, I didn't pass a bowling ball but I was the one doing 2 am feedings.

Now, it did weird me out to see so many presents at the party after the baby's baptism. I thought maybe the Godparents would give little religious gifts and that would be it. I didn't expect a bunch more clothes.

I'd like to have a little party to thank all those all those who helped with the adoption process, the ones who wrote reference letters or helped with the birth family etc. Now I'm afraid it will look like we're trolling for more presents. Sigh.

Invite them out for dinner or lunch. Make sure the emphasis is on them -- "We're throwing a party to thank the people who helped and supported us during this process." I certainly wouldn't expect to take a present to such an occasion. And if anyone asks about prezzies, direct them to a worthy adoption or foster child charity. If anyone does show up with a present, thank them and let them know that you're overwhelmed already with everyone's generosity, so it will be donated to [name your charity or shelter here]. I think it's a wonderful idea, btw, to celebrate those who helped you.

If you want help wording the invitations, PM and let me know -- it's what I do!

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Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe

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BeowulfGirl
Happy Holly Days


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My own experience with Gimme, Gimme was when I was still married.

Val and Bill were friends of mine from college. They moved in together and threw themselves a housewarming party. They expected gifts for that.

Then they both graduated college, and held a joint party. They requested gifts for that, too, and specified "money." [Roll Eyes]

Two months later, they got engaged and again threw themselves their own engagement party. They wanted gifts for that, too. (I sent a card).

A year letter, the wedding finally rolled around. Val asked me to be a bridesmaid. She expected individual gifts from each bridesmaid for both the shower (which we paid for) and the wedding. Then, of course, she expected the bridesmaids to give her a collective gift; she specifically requested a microwave.

All this, of course, was coupled with the expenses of we bridesmaids buying our own dresses, our own jewelry, our own hairstyling, and, most expensively, the shower itself. [Mad]

God help us if she ever gets pregnant.

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Please visit my blog and leave a comment! It's all pretty and pink and quite funny. Go here: http://beowulfgirl.blogspot.com/

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PallasAthena
Xboxing Day


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It's my understanding that housewarmings are like showers. It is in very bad taste to throw one for yourself as it's generally viewed as gift grubbing. Is this not the case?

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"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about." --Ray Nagin

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Cervus
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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It depends. Most people I know would invite their friends over for a party in their new place once they've gotten settled. Asking for gifts, of course, is tacky, but throwing a housewarming party for yourself isn't necesarily in bad taste. How are your friends supposed to know when you've "settled in" after the stress of moving?

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"There is no constitutional right to sleep with endangered reptiles." -- Carl Hiaasen
Won't somebody please think of the adults!

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Four Kitties
Layaway in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by PallasAthena:
It's my understanding that housewarmings are like showers. It is in very bad taste to throw one for yourself as it's generally viewed as gift grubbing. Is this not the case?

A housewarming party is not supposed to be a gift-giving occasion.

Housewarming etiquette

A bridal or baby shower, however, is a gift-giving occasion, which is why it should never be hosted by a family member -- this gives the impression of gift-grubbing.

My bridal shower was hosted by an old friend of my mother's. My baby showers were hosted by my boss and my best friend. Of course my mother and I were consulted, but only to the extent of where to be at what time. Yes, I registered for both occasions; but a registry is a wish list, not a requirement to shell out cash.

When CatNip and I sent out our wedding announcements, we told our mothers to tell people who asked "no gifts" since we knew folks would call our mothers to congratulate them and to ask where we were registered. Some people sent us gifts anyway, which were gratefully (and I hope graciously) acknowledged, but we made it very clear that the announcement was just that: an announcement.

The only circumstances under which it is appropriate to ask for a contribution of any sort at an occasion one hosts is if it is a fund-raiser for a cause, and then only if it is made clear in the invitation.

Four Kitties

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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

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NeeCD
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by PallasAthena:
It's my understanding that housewarmings are like showers. It is in very bad taste to throw one for yourself as it's generally viewed as gift grubbing. Is this not the case?

I had heard that too, and subsequently did not have any kind of party when I moved. About 8 months later, I went ahead and had a barbecue as a belated housewarming - better late than never.

However, everything I've read says it is absolutely appropriate to host a party for yourself, but you shouldn't ask for (or expect) gifts. Evidently there's even a new trend to register for housewarming parties, but that is definitely a huge no-no. What boggles my mind is that people actually need to be told this. [Confused]

[spanked again]

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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
What does "Bookachow", "YOMANK!" and other lingo mean?

Posts: 1720 | From: Stafford Hamlet, OR | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
PallasAthena
Xboxing Day


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Great link 4K! Thanks!

As far as telling a guest that their gift will be donated, I think that might not be appropriate. If I had spent time and thought picking something specific out for someone I care, I'd be a little hurt that they'd just give that thought away.

I think you should just thank them, write a note, and let that be the end of it. If anyone asks what to give you, then a reccomendation to donate to a charity directly following a "Oh, no. It is not necessary for you to buy us a gift." would be the best way to handle it.

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"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about." --Ray Nagin

Posts: 1325 | From: Missouri | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
PallasAthena
Xboxing Day


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I was disgusted when I went with my best friend to help her register at Dillards and they handed her a stack of registry cards to stick inside her invitations. Actually both of us were shocked. We told the lady why this was completely inappropriate and she seemed confused. I could see a young couple who didn't know any better falling easily into that trap. Ugh.

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"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about." --Ray Nagin

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Raven Waift
The First USA Noel


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They give you those registry cards when you register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I was amazed that they would do that, but I just threw them into the trash.

I don't expect gifts at my wedding, however, I do realize that many people will want to buy gifts, and that having a registry for them would be helpful. The only thing stopping me from saying 'no gifts' is the fact that I have the mismatch home stuff of a college student. I will admit that I am selfish enough to want a set of silverware that matches, not a single item from 50 different sets.

Yes, it would be nice to get some pretty home stuff, just to make our house more adult and refined, but honestly we do have everything we need. If no one buys us anything, I won't be upset. I probably would not buy something for someone who *expects* a gift- unless they are a child and it is their birthday.

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Whereas as you are dancing happily in the fields of ignorance through which the stream of stupidity bubbles and flows. -BlushingBride
My my space.

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ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by PallasAthena:
Great link 4K! Thanks!

As far as telling a guest that their gift will be donated, I think that might not be appropriate. If I had spent time and thought picking something specific out for someone I care, I'd be a little hurt that they'd just give that thought away.

I think you should just thank them, write a note, and let that be the end of it. If anyone asks what to give you, then a reccomendation to donate to a charity directly following a "Oh, no. It is not necessary for you to buy us a gift." would be the best way to handle it.

Did someone say they would tell their guests their gifts would be donated?

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
PallasAthena
Xboxing Day


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I think Jocko's Wild did, but I could have misunderstood...

quote:
Invite them out for dinner or lunch. Make sure the emphasis is on them -- "We're throwing a party to thank the people who helped and supported us during this process." I certainly wouldn't expect to take a present to such an occasion. And if anyone asks about prezzies, direct them to a worthy adoption or foster child charity. If anyone does show up with a present, thank them and let them know that you're overwhelmed already with everyone's generosity, so it will be donated to [name your charity or shelter here]. I think it's a wonderful idea, btw, to celebrate those who helped you.
Emphasis mine.

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"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about." --Ray Nagin

Posts: 1325 | From: Missouri | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by PallasAthena:
I think Jocko's Wild did, but I could have misunderstood...

quote:
Invite them out for dinner or lunch. Make sure the emphasis is on them -- "We're throwing a party to thank the people who helped and supported us during this process." I certainly wouldn't expect to take a present to such an occasion. And if anyone asks about prezzies, direct them to a worthy adoption or foster child charity. If anyone does show up with a present, thank them and let them know that you're overwhelmed already with everyone's generosity, so it will be donated to [name your charity or shelter here]. I think it's a wonderful idea, btw, to celebrate those who helped you.
Emphasis mine.
Whoops, I somehow totally missed that. Sorry!

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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