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Author Topic: My Mom Is Nearing a Nervous Breakdown *New Input Please*
Starla
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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...and I think she's waiting for my visit to completely fall apart!

Some of you may know that my dad's health is bad and my mom is his sole caretaker. He has severe post-polio syndrome. Since Christmas he went from being able to dress & make his own meals to losing all function in one arm and only being able to feed himself with the other (he can't even lift a Cornet plate with food on it). He's going to need to be placed in a home soon, but they can't afford it [hired a lawyer, it's impossible. They would take dad's Social Security which means they couldn't cover their bills & my mom would lose their house. Plus most of the local homes don't take some who is only 60 years old.] I haven't seen him since Christmas and am flying out with my daughters on Friday for a 5 week visit.

I was already dreading the trip. I don't want to see the reality of how badly my Daddy his doing. Then my mom called.

Since I was a child I felt as though my mom has shared her worries with me in a way that was not appropriate in a parent-child relationship. I knew all about the finances, details about my dad's health that were overwhelming for a kid, missing romance, lots of stuff she should have saved for a girlfriend or therapist. When I got older I asked her to stop, but it never has it's just often prefaced with, "I know you don't want to hear this, but..." As an adult I don't know how to deal because I feel I should be able to handle more but I really don't want to hear things like her telling me last night that she lost it and started yelling. But I wonder if it's okay for me to stop her from telling me that stuff.

Anyway, in getting ready for this trip I've been anxious because I've also always felt that I am unappreciated. I was a good kid but my mom took it for granted, nitpicking little things and taking the good stuff for granted. I was expected to share in the physical and mental burdens as an adult. When I go home now, part of me still feels like that 16 year old girl screaming that no one appreciates me.

Last night my mom called to share the latest overwhelming stuff and in it she said something about how me coming out makes more work for her. I didn't say anything, but I felt ready to cry. When I go out there I work 10xs harder than I do at home. I take over cooking meals and my mom complains that I didn't do the dishes after (I was cleaning up my kids, their toys, and getting them in bed). I clean the house and when someone drops in to visit she blames the piles of her clutter to me being there. I'll fly in at 10 at night only to find not only is my bed not made, but the sheets are dirty (I started bringing sheets for my kids with me). She talks about how this is her only vacation (it's MY only vacation too!).

It's hard enough feeling like a jerk for wishing I had a real mom. I understand my mom is burnt out, I don't blame her. She's overwhelmed, needs help, is near bankruptcy and not a dollar of that debt is from anything fun or frivolous. So while I mourn that I never got a mom who takes care of me, who looks to give me a break, who mothers me- I understand why that is and I don't blame her for it. But then she constantly points out how she deserves to be mothered by me, while at the same time nothing I do is enough no matter how hard I work. It's overwhelming.

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 5 weeks.

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This used to be the life, but I don't need another one.
MyBandwagon

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Arriah
The First USA Noel


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I don't know how to help but I offer supportive vibes and hugs from Florida. I have to say that I feel a bit sorry for her too, she's obviously in way over her head.

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Conforming meant that everyone liked you except yourself
Rebecca

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Lydia Oh Lydia
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Starla,

That situation really stinks. I know it's hard to do, but I would say not to let the comments bother you. (Yes, yes, I know. Far easier said than done). I guess I have a few questions.

Why are you going for 5 weeks? Can you go for a couple and then have a real vacation with you and the kids? Even if it's a vacation at your own home?

When your mom starts telling you "I know you don't want to hear this ..." can you say "You're right, I don't. I think that you should talk to one of your friends about this" and walk away?

I've heard about assisted living places where both spouses can live there, even if one doesn't need assistance. Some of those places are apartments, condos, cottages. Based on the financial situation, I would think your parents would need to sell their current home to accomplish this. Your mother might not *want* to do that, but it might be a reality. Perhaps you could mention this to her.

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"My name is the symbol for my identity and must not be lost." Motto of the Lucy Stone League.

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ladyknight
The First USA Noel


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Starla,
I'm sorry to hear about your father. It cannot be fun watching him fall apart like that.
I have to ask too why you're going there for five weeks. Would it be possible for you to take some "mini-breaks" for a day or two and go do something with your kids that you'd enjoy? Those might help you be able to deal with your mother.
In the same vein as Lydia Oh Lydia, I've also seen assisted living facilities that would accept both your parents and allow them to still live together. It doesn't seem like the best solution, but it's certainly an option.
Other than that, nothing to offer except *vibes* from Minnesota.

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Triumphs cannot be given. They must be taken, and the worse the odds, and the fiercer the resistance, the greater the honor. -- A Civil Campaign, Lois McMaster Bujold

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Kitten in the rain
Jingle Bell Hock


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I have to echo the others about why you're subjecting yourself to this for five weeks? Your mother has given you a -great- out to shorten the trip while still looking very attentive to her. Tell her that you decided to shorten your stay because you don't want to be an undue burden on her.

I think you and she also need to sit down and have a talk about caregiver burnout. I know the medicare has programs where you can get someone to come in and be an in-home caregiver every now and again, and that might take a little bit of the weight off of her shoulders. Also, as the others have said, it might be a good idea to see about an assisted living center where she can go as well, or if not that, then one in some other area where she could move to. It's not something she might WANT to do, but there you go. If she's going to sell the house, now is a good time to do so, while housing prices are still high.

ETA: I also know how you feel, BTW, about wishing you had a "real" mom. It's awful, sometimes. My mother never talked to me about stuff parents shouldn't expose their children to, per se (well, until she and my father split up, that is -- but in that case, she was trying to use those things to make me hate my father) but she did give me a lot of 'If I didn't have you, I could be doing X with my life'. Sometimes I envy people who had mothers who were actually mothers to them, and who can have a good relationship with their mothers in their adult life. Mine alternately ignores me and complains to her mother that I ignore her.

Something you might consider to fill the void that has helped me with feeling resentful towards my mother is finding another woman of mother-ish age and striking up a close relationship. I'm very close to Boyfriend in the Rain's mother (something which has the nice side effect of ingratiating me to the family) and also my father's mother.

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Morgaine La Raq Star
The "Was on Sale" Song


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Starla, I'm *so* sorry. You know my PM box is always open.

I do think your mom may have to look at an assisted living facility for both of them. Yes, they'd have to sell their house but your mom could live there with him & they'd take care of him. They're use to couples with different levels of care needs. They could have a 2 bedroom apartment.

I'm not telling you this, but your mom might be able to sign over the house to you & that would help them qualify. But as I said, I didn't say anything. I'm not a lawyer either so I could be wrong.

Hugs!!

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I cannot live without books-Thomas Jefferson *~* A child educated only at school is an uneducated child - George Santayana
I'm going to pummel you with such zeal, Buddha will explode! *~* Never miss a good chance to shut up - Will Rogers

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Starla
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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My mom has looked into assisted living where she can stay, but it's not an option for them. My dad does not qualify for assisted living, he needs round-the-clock nursing care which is harder to find, much more expensive and the few that even take people my dad's age don't allow spouses, especially one that's 54 years old! It would meaning living in basically a hospital room and when my dad dies she'd have no assets and no place to live.

They hired a lawyer that specializes in MediCal; there is nothing to be done about the finances as long as they stay in CA. Seriously, there are no options. After talking to them the lawyer did not charge them b/c he felt so bad about it. They may move to OR and my mom is flying up there while I'm out to check into it more but it may not be a possibility. My mom has spent years working at her job to get to the level they are now (she's a therapist- and a quite good one- ironic!) and if they move she has to start over.

The reason I'm staying for 5 weeks is that my dad's 60th birthday is Saturday. Two weeks later is a bachelorette weekend for my best friend, two weeks later is her wedding (which I am in). Plus originally my mom was going to take a brief vacation knowing I was there in case the nurse she'll hire didn't show up (it's happened). Now she's going to OR instead.

I couldn't fly out for all 3, and I wanted to give my mom a break, they rarely see the grandkids, etc. I almost decided to skip the bachelorette weekend (not my cup of tea, really) but decided not to and to stay the whole time because, honestly, the way things are going I'm not sure how much time I have left with my dad.

He could be this way for years, but it seems like he may not have a long time left. I know I'd regret not spending that time with him, even if it will be hard. And I genuinely want to do what little I can to help my mom. It's just a bit overwhelming.

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This used to be the life, but I don't need another one.
MyBandwagon

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Kitten in the rain
Jingle Bell Hock


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Starla, why not work out with one of your friends that if things get too heated with your mom, you can go and stay there? I know that I would be a lot calmer going into a situation if I knew I had an "out" if everything went to hell.
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PallasAthena
Xboxing Day


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Starla, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I am sending vibes and thoughts your way. It sounds like a very difficult situation and I certainly hope you guys are able to find a reasonable solution.

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"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about." --Ray Nagin

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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No, dear, don't try having your parents sign the house over to you. If you do anything like that just so they'll qualify for aid of some kind, it's fraud and more than likely will be found out. In Oklahoma (I don't know about other states.), I think < two years prior to needing the aid negates any transfer of funds or of property in determining eligibility.

I feel sorry for all of you. I wish I could help since I know what you are going through. Just try to ignore the hurtful things your mother says. Of course, that's much easier to say than to do. BTDT, got the t-shirt. In the meantime, keep venting here, and we'll all keep you in our thoughts and wish you well. *hugs*

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

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Elkhound
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Signora Del Drago:
No, dear, don't try having your parents sign the house over to you. If you do anything like that just so they'll qualify for aid of some kind, it's fraud and more than likely will be found out. In Oklahoma (I don't know about other states.), I think < two years prior to needing the aid negates any transfer of funds or of property in determining eligibility.

Here in WV if a relative is living in the home when the person goes into the skilled nursing facility, s/he can stay in the home after the person dies--the state won't claim the house until the relative dies or moves, and in the meantime the relative has the option of buying the house back for the appraised value, the fair market value, or the actual cost of the person's care (whichever is the least). Also, if the relative is a SPOUSE, given that most married couples own the family home jointly, the state can only take a 50% share of the house--which, as I said, the widow(er) can buy back.

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"The bicycle is the most civilized conveyance known to man. Other forms of transport grow daily more nightmarish. Only the bicycle remains pure in heart."--Iris Murdoch

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Starla
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Elkhound- 50% of a house is California is still a lot of money! The state won't claim my parent's house either, but if even they managed to pay for nursing care and not end up being foreclosed on, whatever my dad's half of the estate would owe the state in the end would be impossible for my mom to pay. They live in a 40 year old, 1200 square foot house so down-sizing is not an option. One bedroom apartments go for more a month than they pay on their mortgage.

Kitten (and others)- Things don't get heated with my mom. We don't fight. I just feel frustrated that she doesn't seem to appreciate me. She doesn't flat-out accuse me of things like not cleaning up, she does it in a passive way like, "now I have to clean all these dishes since no one else will do it." Well, since my dad can't, who else does that leave?

My mom really is a good person. She's not horrible to me. She just doesn't have anything left to give. She's so burnt out and overwhelmed that she can't see that she's hurting me. I understand that in a way because when I had postpartum depression I thought my husband was the world's biggest asshole. While he could have been more supportive, when I got better I saw that he was doing a hell of a lot, but I was hurting so much and needed much more than he could ever give. It felt like he was doing nothing because I couldn't see it, but he was doing a lot. As I got better I thought he was changing but later I realized he'd stayed the same, I could just appreciate it again.

I'm amazed by all she does, she truly loves my dad. The whole thing breaks her heart. She's just totally burnt out and because I am a safe person she uses me to vent. I wonder if I should speak up, but I don't want to add any more hurt/stress to her very fragile self.

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This used to be the life, but I don't need another one.
MyBandwagon

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Starla, I think we understand that your mom isn't a mean person and just has more than anyone should be expected to handle without losing it, but we also understand how difficult it is for you. That's why we're saying just try to ignore the hurtful things she says and does. You know she loves you, and you love her, but sometimes life just gets so difficult you have to get things off your chest. Venting here is a good outlet for you because it probably helps you to manage not to blow up at your mom. Will you have access to a computer while you're away from home? I certainly hope so because I think you're going to need a place to escape once in a while. *hugs* Your mom has a large burden to bear, but so do you, so take care of yourself.

As I said in another thread about mothers [Wink] , she's doing the best she can do, and that's all you can ask of anyone. By the same token, if you do happen to lose control one day and blast away at her, just remember that you're doing the best you can do, too. I hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, maybe it will clear the air, and that's what hugs and "I love you" are for. Another thing, when your dad dies, you won't have to wish you had done more, so you will at least be spared that regret.

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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I know this is probably going to be way off base, but from just your first post, it seems like your mom wants you to be her girlfriend, her therapist, and (when you visit) a personal chef and maid. From your other posts, it seems like she is something of an "agony aunt," always complaining about one thing or another.

Now, I know that is somewhat unfair of me to say. I am sure that all she has to do to take care of your father is VERY stressful on her and she probably just wants a vacation away from all that responsibility. Honestly, who wouldn't? However, I don't think it's entirely unfair of me to say that, because there are certain aspects that you say she has ALWAYS been like that... insomuch as the information she imparted to you and generally having a borderline inappropriate mother/daughter relationship in terms of information sharing.

No, she's not being horrible or anything... but the way she's being is rubbing you totally the wrong way, and I don't think you need to subject yourself or your children to that any longer than you want.

But I think you need to speak up about it, since it clearly bothers you. You might need to do something more sternly than "I don't want to talk about X," as it will just get you more comments that start with "I know you don't want to hear about X, but..." You don't have to be a bitch about it or anything (even tho there's a chance that you might feel like that's exactly what you're doing--women aren't often taught to stand up for themselves in a forceful manner, as it is considered "bitchy"), but be very definite and straightforward about it. Leave little or no room for loopholes or "wiggle."

"Mom, I know you do so much to help out with Dad... more than most people would... more than most people have the strength to do. I know that is taking a serious toll on you and you need to have an outlet or it's gonna drive you crazy. But I am NOT that person. I am not remotely qualified, and I honestly cannot handle it. I. Cannot. Help. You. With. This. And I do not appreciate it when the things I do to help around the house get entirely ignored so you can complain about the things I haven't done YET. I love you, Mom, but if you continue like this, you're only going to drive me away. You're my mom, and I don't want to lose you."

Of course, that's just a suggestion. You know better than I do what would work best with her. HUGS and lots of luck that this works out!

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Dear Babby
Deck the Malls


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Hugs/vibes/prayers for you all to get through it and enjoy the the happy events that gave you the reasons to go in the first place.

Your childhood friends there must know about your situation. I hope you can count on some support from them too.

Just wondering, does your mom see a therapist? Could you get any family counselling while you're there? (I guess therapists probably don't do trades like massage therapists...might get a bit sticky....)

That reminds me...Let me add massages to hugs, vibes and prayers.

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FrogFeathers
Grandma Got Run Over By a Gift Card


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I know how your mom feels- about losing things in the marriage- but I would never (and I hope that I haven't unconsciously) over-shared intimate details with my kids. (They were 5, 3, and 1 year(s) old when he had the stroke 11 years ago).

I understand her stress too and I consider myself lucky that my husband can at least do the basic care for himself. My role is limited to the things he would need two hands for (like trimming his nails) and things he needs *these are his words* "a brain for" (I refill his meds, which requires a lot of numbers, which confuse him).

I wish I had some kind of magnificent statement that would make you feel better, but I don't. All I can say is that after reading what you do for your mom in the limited time you have with her- I appreciate it. I just hope that when our time comes, and my husband has degenerated (or I have, considering my recent health) I have someone like you who can offer even a few days (or weeks) reprieve for what we'll be going through.

(((big hugs)))

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"Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?"~Pearl Forrester MST3K
Die-Hard Engineers, Big Red One my Dad's website
"Must be a 'snopes' thing..." ~my entire family when I try to explain something.

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Para
Deck the Malls


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Starla, is there any possibility of your parents qualifying for home health care? Meals on Wheels? Any sort of home asistance at all? We've gone through this with my grandmother, and the easiest way to handle it was (as Signora has suggested) signing the house and assets over to the kids so that the state would see the grandparents with so few assets that they easily qualified. I think you should talk to a lawyer about this, and see if it's remotely do-able. Even though someone coming in every day or every other day and cleaning and/or bring meals wouldn't take all the strain off your mom, it could help alleviate some of the work, at least.

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"But what of the golden spider-duck and the squat crimson pig?"

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Starla
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Para- It's not abut the assets. It's that my mom's income is great than $2,000something a month so the state will take my dad's Social Security check to cover part of his care. If they do that, my mom will not be able to pay all their current bills (which would not get lower with my dad in a nursing home). If they don't use Medical the average nursing home for his needs is $5,000 a month.

After my dad turns 60 on Saturday Meals on Wheels will go from $6.50 a meal to $3.00 (I looked into this for them). So then it may be an option. I'm going to talk to their pastor about someone from the church bringing meals the nights my mom works as this would be more helpful then someone coming at noon when she's still home. They just started sending someone once a month to do some cleaning for them, so that's good (it meant A LOT to my parents too).

What I think is that they need to move near me. For many very good reasons me moving is not an option, but if they moved here they'd be out of debt, I could help more, and they would be able to afford in-home care. But my mom doesn't want to move to TX. [Roll Eyes] I'm going to suggest it more though.

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This used to be the life, but I don't need another one.
MyBandwagon

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the Virgin Marrya
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Oh, Starla.


I even looked under the bed, but I STILL can't find that damn magic wand to make it magically all better - I so wish it was possible!

You're an amazingly stong, compassionate, incredible woman. Whatever happens over the next few weeks - keep hold of that image of yourself.
Does it help to see it that both your parents are disabled, it's just that your Dad's disability has a medical name, and textbook symptoms.
And, in the same way that it's heartbreakingly unrealistic to expect him to do things he just can't do - it's the same for your mum.

There must be a huge list of things you wish your Dad could do for or with you. And he can't and that's tragic, and you might get angry about it, but you realise that there's no point asking him for those impossible desirable things. and, there's a huge list of things you wish your Mum could do for or with you. And she can't , and that's also tragic. You have every right to feel angry about that, too. But you have to see it as an area where she has lost an ability [or never had it] rather than a deliberate attempt to annoy/hurt/sabotage/whatever you, and not waste energy looking for that kind of response from her

And, I know there are times when it feels like a physically disabled person is just doing it to make you mad, so how much more when it's an emotional disablilty?!
But, in the same way that no matter how much you do to help your Dad, it doesn't cure him, it just makes his day-to-day smoother, the same goes for your mum - you probably won't change her, no matter what you do, so just do what you can to help her day to day and KNOW that it is enough. Try not to ask for things that she can not give.

Which sounds all terribly high horse ish. and I don't mean it that way.

I don't envy you, not one bit.


One other thought about the financial situation: you mentioned that they may be heading towards bankruptcy, anyway? So in that sense, what do they have to lose, if the govt. takes all, and they have a few easier years ahead. She may be able to save, or the wider family could make a future plan for the years when that level of care is no longer required - it's a shame she's not that sweet granny that you'd all be fighting over to have her come and live with you....
If the govt can only take half the house [and they'd lose the house to bankruptcy] can her half be carefully invested, and some plan for her future be made? Again, if they're thinking of moving out of state for better benefits, it may be that that half a house would buy a lovely thing in a smaller town, or in another part of the country?
Oh, I don't know, the law is so different here, I have no experience of this kind of situation -

I should stop doing the bloke thing of trying to fix it, and just say [with complete sincerity!] "oh, honey, that sounds really tough! I know you can handle it. If there's anythinn you need from me, just ask!"


Hugs and extra patience [I had some lying around unused]
M

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Windows cannot open this file. To open this file correctly, defenestrate, then try running the file again...

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TurquoiseGirl
The "Was on Sale" Song


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Starla,

First of all, hugs and vibes to you and your family.

I know this is going to sound callous, but I wonder if some of the financial strain would be solved if your parents divorced and one or both of them declared bankruptcy? That wouldn't keep the house, though, I am afraid. But your dad might be eligble for more benefits than he would with a working spouse. I know it's horrid to contemplate. They could still live together and socially be a unit.

Also, I think your mom might be eligible for some sort of respite care for your dad. My exMIL got some of that when her husband got bad.

As far as the rest, the mourning not having a real mother, you are entitled to that mourning. I know you have posted before about how you do a lot when you go out there and it is not appreciated. I so understand how not being appreciated for being a good kid hurts. I really, really do.

But I do know that despite that, you have been a real, no a great mother to your kids. Which is not easy to do if you haven't been properly mothered yourself.

My PM box is also open.

Hugs and many vibes.
TGirl

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There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe

Posts: 6995 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Algae
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Marrya! Where have you been lately?

Starla, I wish I had some advice for you. I've been trying to think of something, but I don't and can only off lots of hugs and vibes. My PM box is open.

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Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive!

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Seaboe Muffinchucker
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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TGirl, I'm afraid the divorce idea runs into the same fraud problems as signing the house over to Starla.

Basically, anything that can be done rests on StarlaMother's shoulders--and she is probably so paralyzed by fear that she has negated all the options. While understandable, it does not solve the problem.

Seaboe

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Education is not the filling of a hard drive, but the lighting of a bulb. -- Yeats via Esprise Me

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TurquoiseGirl
The "Was on Sale" Song


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Seaboe, I hadn't thought of that, but I can see where it would be fraud. Leaves their hands rather tied, doesn't it.

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There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe

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the Virgin Marrya
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Algae:
Marrya! Where have you been lately?


Attempting to cure/deny my internet addiction.

I've proved it wasn't a snopes addiction [Big Grin]

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Windows cannot open this file. To open this file correctly, defenestrate, then try running the file again...

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Starla
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Seaboe Muffinchucker:
Basically, anything that can be done rests on StarlaMother's shoulders--and she is probably so paralyzed by fear that she has negated all the options. While understandable, it does not solve the problem.

This is exactly the problem.

As for bankruptcy, I remember years ago my mom said something about the possibility of losing her practice if they ever declared bankruptcy. Something about the ethics of being a self-employed counselor and bankruptcy. I don't know. If things continue exactly as they are now they won't go bankrupt, they'll just never get far enough ahead to make a difference.

Marrya- You didn't sound high horse-ish. You said what I already know, it's just that some days that truth is harder than others. [Smile]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. They really do mean a lot. I rarely talk about this much IRL because it's too hard. And I don't want to give people who know them the wrong impression of my parents. So it helps be be able to vent here a little.

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This used to be the life, but I don't need another one.
MyBandwagon

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Para, it wasn't me who suggested signing the house over to Starla. I pointed out that it would be considered fraud. [off topic]Have you seen the notice about the Oklahoma meet? It's in the "Announcements" thread.[/back on topic]

Starla, I've been thinking and thinking, but the only thing I've come up with is 'meals on wheels,' and somebody beat me to it. All I can do is sympathize, and I'm doing plenty of that.

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

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NewZer0
Happy Holly Days


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about divorcing --

I work for the state of Nebraska right now, doing social work stuff for the elderly and disabled. There's a process where one half of a couple is impoverished -- it's just like a divorce, without an actual divorce.

I work for aabd -- aid for the aged, blind, and disabled. Surely California has something similar, if not the same thing. That might be worth looking into.

Does your father receive social security because of his disability? Does he have medicare?

Here is the page on respite care: Respite

This looks like the page for the California version of what I do in Nebraska: Social Services

Here are the eligibility requirements; it sounds like your dad might qualify: Eligibility


Maybe something in the above links will help your parents.

Regardless, I'm sending vibes your way. It's a sticky situation no matter how you slice it. Take care of yourself.

--NewZer0

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I study medieval literature because that's where the money is.

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Starla
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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NewZer0- Thanks, I'll show that link to my mom. They have been visited by a social worker before so maybe they have already looked into this but it can't hurt.


I leave in a few hours. Not sure how often I'll be able to snopes- I'm at the mercy of my brother's willingness to share his laptop. Hopefully I'll be able to check in (and do more than complain!).

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This used to be the life, but I don't need another one.
MyBandwagon

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Para
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Signora Del Drago:
Para, it wasn't me who suggested signing the house over to Starla. I pointed out that it would be considered fraud. [off topic]Have you seen the notice about the Oklahoma meet? It's in the "Announcements" thread.[/back on topic]

Oops, sorry about that! [Embarrassed]

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"But what of the golden spider-duck and the squat crimson pig?"

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Bettie Page Turner
Happy Holly Days


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Bankruptcy can be a good thing in situations like this. There is no shame in being in an uncontrollable situation. Although it may mean that dad goes into a NH and mom loses the home and moves into a small apartment, the mental relief could be worth it. Would your mom even want to remain in the house by herself after dad is in a home? Many older folks find that giving up the responsibilities of home ownership for a cheaper, low-maintenance apartment lifestyle is desirable.

This situation must have some sort of resolution. It cannot go on as you have described it. Dad needs 24 hour care. This is a fact, and I have seen many families work themselves ragged to avoid it. Mom cannot pay the bills and provide for the 24 hour care. (Who could? The price is outrageous.) Bankruptcy is not fun, but it could be a start in the best direction.

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You fail to consider, for such is the tyranny of fashion, that the swan is not a slim animal... -Jincy Kornhauser, Melinda Falling

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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But Starla has already said that:

A: Her mom could lose her practice if she goes bankrupt, and

B: A small apartment in their area would cost more than keeping the house.

Nonny

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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Seaboe Muffinchucker
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by our next contestant, Nonny Mouse:
But Starla has already said that:

A: Her mom could lose her practice if she goes bankrupt, and

Actually, Nonny, I believe she said her mother once said something Starla vaguely remembers about bankruptcy having a negative effect on her practice.

Which isn't anywhere close (given her mother's way of shooting down all suggestions) to saying she'd lose her practice.

Seaboe

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Education is not the filling of a hard drive, but the lighting of a bulb. -- Yeats via Esprise Me

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quiltsbypam
Happy Holly Days


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(((Hugs))) Starla. I hope your brother will share the laptop. Good luck, enjoy the wedding, and we're here for you!

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"No Biblical hell could ever be worse than the state of perpetual inconsequence." Beatrice in Dangerous Beauty

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AQB, Max's DHB
Santa eBayby


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Yes, Starla, what qpb said. I've been following this thread with furrowed brow, trying to come up with something useful to add. I got nuttin but good wishes that you and your daughters will have some fun, that you will have valuable time with your dad, and that your mom will (maybe even a little, even if she doesn't say so) enjoy and appreciate having you there.

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"The Potato Festival will never be the same without Evelena." (from an obituary in the Charleston, WV, Gazette)

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Jocko's Jolly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Starla, (((HUGS))). First let me say that you are doing a heroic job of helping out your parents even though you don't feel it is appreciated. I think your mom is unable to get proper perspective on her life right now and can't see that you are helping more than hurting her situation.

Second, BTDT that got the heartache to prove it. FIL had alzheimer's and MIL worked herself into the grave (unfortunately, literally) to care for him ong past the point where she should have gotten help.

I recommend that you contact whatever regulatory board there is in CA that covers your Mom's field of practice. I don't think she's correct that there would be an ethics issue if she were to declare bankruptcy. I have a feeling either she misinterpreted this somehow or she just came up with this as a way of deflecting a suggestion she doesn't want to consider.

I think you're going to have to sit your mom down and be really brutal about the options and consequences open to her. You need to point out to her just how long she can continue down that path she's going (how many more months she can afford this), then address her options and how they would affect the financial picture. It sounds like they are: bankruptcy and its subsequent financial reorganization OR move to TX and its subsequent upheaval. This is what we had to do with DH's mom and it's the only thing that finally got through to her (well, that and her quintuple bypass).

We were able (with the assistance of a lawyer who specialized in geriatric issues) to get FIL into a home and cover enough assets for MIL to live on. Unfortunately, she dies a few months later (lymphoma came back for the fourth time and her body just had no resources left to fight it). MIL was not working, so I can see that this would be a different issue entirely in your case. Without knowing the details of what expenses (other than mortgage) your mom is dealing with, I won't presume to offer any concrete suggestions other than what I've already stated.

Please feel free to PM if you need to vent or anything else. This can be VERY frustrating to deal with. There were times when I just wanted to say, like to a recalcitrant kid, "just do it because I SAID SO!!!"

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Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe

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