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Author Topic: My sister... again
Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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I really, really do not like calling my mother and having her burst into tears when I offer to help her. I guess mom's having a miserable time with this round of chemo, and can't even walk between the heartburn and other issues it's causing. She told me that she had "a bit of a crying today" because she was "sick of being sick". That's understandable. Then I asked if there was anything to do. She said no. I said, "Well, are the dishes done? What about dinner?"

That's when Mom started to cry. "Your sister is supposed to do that."

I said, "Mom, I know that, but that doesn't mean she will. Do you need me to come out?"

"No, she'll do it, your father talked to her. I broke down when he came home and he said something to her and then she accused me of complaining about her and..." Then I heard mom cry some more.

My mother didn't even cry at her own father's funeral. I offered a few more times, then I said that if she needed anything, even if it was at three in the morning, to call and I'd be right there. She started crying even harder, so I let her go before I upset her more.

[Mad] [flame] [Mad] [flame]

Why the NFBSK should my parents have to ask my sister to do anything, anyway? Why am I the only one trying to help? I live three miles away. I have a husband and two kids. I have a job. My sister is unemployed, has one child (I would kill to have a child as easy as my niece, except that she's starting to become a brat from lack of attention and discipline from her mother, that's a whole other issue), lives with our parents rent-free. My parents buy all her groceries, diapers, and all she has to do is pay for her car and insurance with her spousal support. There are months she doesn't even get that accomplished.

What business is it of hers if my mother complains to my dad if she's not doing stuff for her? And gee, why would mom have to say anything? It's pretty damn obvious when he comes home to a wife who can't get out of bed and there are dishes piled in the sink, plates of food in the living room, and dirty diapers on the floor that my sister hasn't done a damn thing!

I really, really wish there was a way to let my sister know how much she's hurting Mom. The thing is, she's so selfish I doubt she'd know. The other day my grandma made a comment to me that "S is so selfish I don't think she even loves L, truly. I don't think she knows how to love anyone more than she loves herself."

[Mad] Part of me almost wishes she lurked here and read this. If she does, I hope she realizes what she's doing. At this point, I could care less what it does to our relationship, and if it weren't for fear of her running off with my niece, I would call her up now. [flame]

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"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
Myspace about my mom, kids

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Morgaine La Raq Star
The "Was on Sale" Song


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I have no solutions but I'm very sorry this is happening to you. If I lived closer, I'd go to your moms house & help her out.
I sincerely hope your family can find a solution.

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I cannot live without books-Thomas Jefferson *~* A child educated only at school is an uneducated child - George Santayana
I'm going to pummel you with such zeal, Buddha will explode! *~* Never miss a good chance to shut up - Will Rogers

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VersesBatman
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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It's one thing not to help out if your parents are in good health, but when they are sick?

I hope things work out for you.

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It's like they took a bunch of movies, put them in a blender and turned it on really fast!-Mystery Science Theater 3000

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Kitten in the rain
Jingle Bell Hock


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As long as there are no consequenses, your sister is not going to change her tune. I remember reading about this in a previous thread, and I thought the same thing, then. You can scold her all you want but, like a child, she won't change her behavior so long as that behavior has no consequenses. Until your parents are willing to lay down the law that she has to do certain things or they are going to do X thing that would make her stay considerably less comfortable (start charging rent, password protecting the computer and the cable box so she doesn't have access to any form of entertainment, etc) and then DO IT, her behavior isn't going to change.

It also may be that your sister is suffering from a certain amount of anxiety and depression and that her behavior isn't going to change no matter what your parents do unless that gets looked at by a professional.

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Little Pink Pill
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Kitten is right. It looks to me like your sister is not going to start helping out from the goodness of her heart anytime soon, and, well, to some extent, your parents have let her get into the habit by allowing her to take advantage of them.

Something like this happened with my brother-in-law a few years back, and we were all seeing it. Finally, my husband took my father-in-law aside and pointed out a few things to him, and helped him recognize that he shouldn't be letting anyone treat his wife like that, let alone his own son.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is your dad's problem. He has a wife who is ill and needs help, and a selfish, freeloading daughter who is upsetting her. He talked to her once, and your sister took it out on your mom. I think he needs to sit his daughter down again and say, "If you ever do that to your mother again, especially while she is sick, you are going to find somewhere else to live, chickie.

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The technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.--House

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Kitten in the rain
Jingle Bell Hock


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Little Pink Pill, I remember from the previous thread that the barrier to tossing the sister on the street was her daughter, who doesn't deserve to be homeless just because her mother is a screwup. That's why I suggested implementing other consequenses, like the removal of entertainment.

But really, I have a sneaking suspicion that there are some mental health issues happening here that are helping to cause this problem. I don't think that anyone who's fully in control of their actions and emotions would behave so heartlessly -- usually when someone is THAT self-centered, it's because they're being consumed by depression to the point where they can't see past their own pain.

If I recall correctly, Auntie Witch's sister has recently been divorced, and I can see where a situation like that, getting divorced and moving back in with the folks, would set off a depression, especially if the marriage was exceptionally rocky before it ended. I think these problems are unlikely to be solved without professional help.

A professional could also help the parents come up with workable strategies to get her to help out a bit more.

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by VersesBatman:
It's one thing not to help out if your parents are in good health, but when they are sick?

When you're an adult, and your parents are supporting you and your child, it's not okay not to "help" even if your parents are in good health. And cleaning up after your own kid (as opposed to leaving dirty diapers on the floor [Eek!] ) isn't "helping." It's meeting your responsibilities.

I second what LPP and Kitten said. And the grandmother's comment is interesting: this woman may be a clinical narcissist. They rarely respond to treatment (or even consent to undergo it), but mental health professsionals can teach other people techniques for "managing" them.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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Little Pink Pill
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Kitten in the rain:
Little Pink Pill, I remember from the previous thread that the barrier to tossing the sister on the street was her daughter, who doesn't deserve to be homeless just because her mother is a screwup. That's why I suggested implementing other consequenses, like the removal of entertainment.

Ah, I missed that part. Sorry, Auntie Witch. In that case, I agree, Kitten, that other consequences would be better.
quote:
I don't think that anyone who's fully in control of their actions and emotions would behave so heartlessly -- usually when someone is THAT self-centered, it's because they're being consumed by depression to the point where they can't see past their own pain.
While the more cynical side of me suspects that supreme selfishness can feed quite happily upon itself alone, your take on this particular situation is a much more compassionate one, and probably correct. [Smile]

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The technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.--House

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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She's been seen for depression. I think she was even on something for it. I don't know if she is anymore, though.

My sister has always been self-centered. If a bunch of family members were to sit down and have a talk with her, she wouldn't see it as, "This is what my family sees me doing, I should consider making changes", but rather as, "My family has ganged up on me. They hate me. I haven't done anything wrong, but they all think I have and now they're being mean to me. How unfair."

I don't want to further enable my sister. I wish there were a way to help mom without doing so. But she's getting retaliatory. For her to lash out at mom when papa got onto her for not doing the dishes tells me that anything negative directed towards her will fly back at mom two-fold.

[Frown] I don't know how to make her see what she's doing to mom, because she seems very resentful that mom had the audacity to get cancer in the first place. [Roll Eyes] The week after mom's mastectomy she even had the nerve to say something to the effect of, "You're not the first person to have surgery. It's not like you're dying." [flame]

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"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
Myspace about my mom, kids

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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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The problem is, every time you go over there to do what S should have done, you are enabling her to be a selfish brat. [Frown] . It is a no win situation for your mom. It's a tough spot to be in. Maybe talk to your dad about charging her rent, and using the rent money to have Merry Maids come through every week.

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I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.

What is .02 worth?

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vanilla
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Rent is an execellent idea. Or, stop buying something for her (groceries, diapers) since it appears that she not only lives rent free, but with extras too.

Unfortunatly, AW, there is really nothing you can do about this other than going over to your parents' place, doing what your sister should be doing and charging her something for you to do it for her. Remember the car idea? Perhaps it is time to implement it.

For your sister to take everything out on your mother, however, your father has to put a stop to that himself. He needs to sit down with your sister and tell her that he can see what is happening with his own eyes and does not need his wife to "complain to him" about his daughter's behavior. He will have to start putting up rules and enforcing them, one rule will have to ensure that the taking out of aggression and/or non-performance of duties is not done to your mother.

Because it sounds as if your sister is not doing well financially, it may be time to put that bluff of taking your niece away to the test. It does not appear that she has anywhere else to go, nor any way to care for her daughter. If she did, she may have tried to do that some time ago. Of course, I really don't know the full extent of the situation and YMWillV I am sure.

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I swear, it was funnier in my head.
Yeah, I used to be pink. vanilla_pink.

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Para
Deck the Malls


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Auntie Witch, the whole situation sounds intolerable. Your mom is sick and stressed out, your dad is probably feeling a lot of strain just from trying to take care of her and the household and probably doesn't want the additional worry of a huge confrontation, and your sister is a complete brat whose presense is helping do nothing except make them feel worse.

As many have already said, she needs to feel some consequences for her inactions and her lousy attitude. And if she can't pull her own weight, then she really doesn't need to be staying with your parents. If she can't take care of her child, then she doesn't need to have custody. If she's unhinged enough to psychologically torment a very sick woman, there's no telling what else she's capable of.

Were it me, I'd be sorely tempted to hand her the names of some low income housing institutions and info on debt counciling, change the locks, change the phone numbers if need be, and tell her that when she graduates herself from diapers the rest of the family out here in the adult world will be waiting for her. But no one ever accused me of being overly sympathetic.

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"But what of the golden spider-duck and the squat crimson pig?"

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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Bottom line is that you can't really do anything to change your sister or her behavior. I think the only thing you can do is exactly what you have been doing. Help out as much as you can. Pretend your sister had never moved back to the States and do for your mom exactly what you would have done if she and your dad were on their own right now.

While I haven't been in your exact shoes I have been (and still am) in a situation where I can see the way one of my sister's has taken repeated advantage of my parents. I want to say something. I want to make her smarten up, grow up and stop being a leach, but there really is nothing I can do about it.

It is between my parents and their daughter. Not between my parents and my sister. If that makes sense!

Same goes for you. And that's what makes it so hard!

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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kingfan1978
Deck the Malls


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I know I'm chiming-in late but I've gotta agree with the idea that it's in your father's hands to make her change.

My grandmother has this same problem with my cousins, but it's because the cycle started with their mother over 20 years ago. My GM's youngest daughter (my aunt) had multiple relationships with men, had two children out of wedlock (however, she was married twice--just not to either of their fathers [Roll Eyes] ), and basically dumped them on my grandparents. Grandparents had legal custody & raised the kids on their own, but they let them get away with the same kind of behavior as their mother. So now, both kids have 2 kids a piece, no marriages to be seen, paternity is always sketchy, neither finished high school, cousins & great-grandchildren living with my GM (GF passed way) & taking advantage of her daily. She's their live-in babysitter...even when they go off to babysit OTHER people's children for money, leaving their own home with GM. They've also moved over a dozen animals into GM's house, even though they have no steady jobs & can't seem to afford to pay her rent.

But the cycle will never stop until 1) GM puts her foot down (never happen) or 2) GM passes away & there's no one there to spoon-feed them. Unfortunately, I think #2's the only realistic scenerio.

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"I reject your reality and substitue my own!" - Adam Savage, Mythbusters

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Morgaine La Raq Star
The "Was on Sale" Song


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I agree that its time to have your dad sit down & talk to her & possibly 'call her bluff'. She threatens to move out? OK, where's she going to go? How is she going to support her daughter & herself?
Of course, there's always a slap across the face & yelling 'It's not all about you b!tch!' But I have a feeling that might not go over well.

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I cannot live without books-Thomas Jefferson *~* A child educated only at school is an uneducated child - George Santayana
I'm going to pummel you with such zeal, Buddha will explode! *~* Never miss a good chance to shut up - Will Rogers

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Thanks for all the advice. At this point, I'm merely ranting. I know there's not much I can do. However, Grandma and I had a long talk the other day, and in my sister's defense, ever so slightly, my mother is quite particular about how things are done. I know that before she was sick she'd make us redo things that weren't to her astronomically high standards. There is a slight possibility S is not doing dishes and laundry because Mom complains about how she does it when she does.

That doesn't excuse the mess, and not attempting, but if she's already depressed... sigh. There's no real solution to this, unfortunately. Mom needs her there, and S needs the security my parents offer. They just need to work out a way that works for them, and things get done. Mom did stand her ground a bit today, and refused to go shopping with my sister. Of course, that's largely because I bribed her with a trip without toddlers tomorrow morning!

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"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
Myspace about my mom, kids

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vanilla
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Oooooo.

Yeah. Harsh criticism on top of depression = no work will be done. BTDT.

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I swear, it was funnier in my head.
Yeah, I used to be pink. vanilla_pink.

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Kitten in the rain
Jingle Bell Hock


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Auntie Witch, that's a pretty huge "detail" to leave out. Your sister is depressed and she is already feeling defeated. She has a young daughter, is coming out of what was, if I remember correctly, an abusive relationship, and she comes home and nothing she does with the housework is right? I think I would disengage completely, too.

I know it's hard to think of your mother being in the least bit "at fault" given her current situation, but I've had a taste of what depression is like, and you get to a point where that kind of discouragement can crush you completely. Her entire life has just come crashing down around her ears, her ex probably did wonders on her self-esteem, and now she can't do dishes or fold the laundry right? Why even try? To be honest, in her situation, I don't think I'd be any better.

I think the answer, the -only- answer, is for everyone in your family to go to councilling, both individually and together. There are some ingrained patterns of behavior here that aren't going to break themselves on their own.

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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I've mentioned several times that my sister has dealt with depression. And I've been there, myself.

I don't know if mom is criticizing what she's doing or not. Honestly, I didn't even think of it until Grandma said she'd do the dishes for mom, but "Your mother doesn't like it when I even offer because I don't know where her things go." Mom has lightened up on a lot of things since her diagnosis. I honestly don't know if this is one of them.

It's her defiance and retaliatory nature when she's asked to do something that gets to me the most. I don't think depression is an excuse for that kind of attitude.

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"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
Myspace about my mom, kids

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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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It might not be an excuse for it, but it could certainly cause it, particularly if everybody around you (including your sister) appears to be criticizing you, for failing to respond adequately to somebody else's problems at a time when you yourself need support.
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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Richard W:
It might not be an excuse for it, but it could certainly cause it, particularly if everybody around you (including your sister) appears to be criticizing you, for failing to respond adequately to somebody else's problems at a time when you yourself need support.

Actually, nobody has said anything to her except my father. I've heard the way S treats mom when he does, and I'm not about to hand her another "excuse" to treat my mother that way. Rantidote is my outlet so I don't yell at her.

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"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
Myspace about my mom, kids

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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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That's good (that you don't yell at her, I mean). Good that you're trying to keep it that way and be constructive and helpful.
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Kitten in the rain
Jingle Bell Hock


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I agree with Richard. Depression (or other mental illness/learning disability/whatever) isn't an excuse for inappropriate behaviors, but at the same time, things like that can -cause- inappropriate behaviors and even be a strong enough factor in altering behavior that the person in question needs to get treated in order to correct themselves.

Further, I think that at least part of her rebelliousness might be explainable as a reaction to being told what to do, and then being told to do it again because it was done "wrong". Boyfriend in the Rain is that way. He had the same sort of "do it RIGHT" upbringing (not from his mother, but from his sisters, who all but raised him and are -very- bossy people), and I still can't ask him to do anything unless I'm very careful about my tone and phrasing -- and I'm not even the person who was so demanding of him.

I, on the other hand, had the same upbringing (except my parents would just tell me my room was "not clean enough" without giving me a hint as to how to get it there) and I, instead of rebelling, internalized their critisism. People react to it differently, but it does stay with you.

I maintain that there are some ongoing patterns of behavior here on both sides, and unless they work it out with a councillor of some kind, those patterns are unlikely to break. If they were going to break on their own, they would have by now.

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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I just got off the phone with my mother. I took her shopping today, and she told me not to bother with unloading her groceries, because I had my own to take home and unload. I carried the heavier bags in for her, and she put up the stuff that needed refrigerated, and told me she'd get the rest "A little bit at a time when I get the energy to do it."

So about ten minutes ago, Mom called. She said, "I just wanted you to know, because I know you'll find it interesting, that S put on her makeup and watched TV and C [her boyfriend] put up my groceries with me." [Mad]

Apparently the two of them are apartment hunting. Mom doesn't know if it's just for him (he's military, and in July he can move off of the base), or both of them, or him and some friends. She hasn't asked. She just told them to take L with them when they left. (Yay, mom!)

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"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
Myspace about my mom, kids

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Barbara
Layaway in a Manger


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Auntie Witch, it does indeed sound like there might be light at the end of the tunnel, vis-a-vis your sister going apartment hunting with her new guy. Let's hope the plan is indeed for them to set up housekeeping together.

While I do agree depression could be the cause of your sister's non-actions around the house and in terms of the care of her child, I do suspect your take on it is far closer to the truth, and I base that on what you tell us is her reaction when someone suggests she do something around the house or points out when she didn't do something that she said she would. I'm not hearing "too depressed to get anything done" in those reactions, I'm hearing "Who, me? Actually lift a finger or keep my word about something?"

I have a sense others' expriences with depression are colouring their perception of what's (not) driving your sister. But that too is a guess. What was she like before her split from her husband?

And now for a slight hijacking of the thread.

quote:
Originally posted by Kitten in the rain:
Further, I think that at least part of her rebelliousness might be explainable as a reaction to being told what to do, and then being told to do it again because it was done "wrong". Boyfriend in the Rain is that way. He had the same sort of "do it RIGHT" upbringing (not from his mother, but from his sisters, who all but raised him and are -very- bossy people), and I still can't ask him to do anything unless I'm very careful about my tone and phrasing -- and I'm not even the person who was so demanding of him.

Kitten, in this post you also discuss Boyfriend's failures to do his share of what goes into maintaining a home. This next part tells me the problem is not merely one of male boneheadedness about how incapacitating your periods are (that's not a shot at him; it's just that not being a gal, it's reasonable he would fail to understand how horrible those interludes are for you - he grasps that it's bad, but he doesn't quite get just how bad), but is one of far greater scope:

quote:
I'm tired of nagging, I'm tired of asking, I'm tired of insisting, and it makes me feel horrible whenever it takes a breakdown to get your help because I feel like you don't hear me unless I'm in tears.

I just can't do it all.

Would it be fair to say the household dynamic has become one of him ignoring house-related duties until you break down into tears? If so, you two need to address this and start working on fixing it. Whatever reasons he may say he has for not wanting to perform household tasks (which therefore leaves them for you to take care of), you both have to accept that part of being adult means learning to function at an acceptable level in all areas of our lives despite whatever internal mayhem our childhoods have left us with. That means his family being perfection-driven and so making him feel whatever he did was never good enough doesn't give him a "Get Out Of Housework Free" card in the here and now; it instead leaves him with a handicap that he has to overcome. It also leaves you with the task of learning to say "This a problem in our living together and I want us to work out a solution to it that we both can live with" rather than continue to mope along as the household martyr in hopes that he'll see what he's not doing, realize how unfair he's being to the love of his life, and suddenly be inspired to make everything right in your world like any self-respecting knight on a white charger should.

I would suggest you two work out whose tasks are whose, then work out what you both believe to be reasonable guidelines about how often such tasks should be accomplished, and go from there. (As I learned in my first marriage, a lot hangs on the "how often" aspect of this discussion. It is not enough to agree that you will be responsible for particular task but he will be responsible for another unless you also come to terms on the "how often" of things. In my case, I cleaned the bathroom once a week and, fool that I was, had the addlepated expectation that he would vacuum the house once every week, or maybe every week or so if the place still looked reasonably clean. His idea of "doing the vacuuming," it turned out, was once every three to four months, if that.)

Barbara "as I learned, having a vacuum in your expectations can lead to having a vacuum in your expectations" Mikkelson

Posts: 2511 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Kitten in the rain
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Barbara, I don't want to thread hyjack, but we've had many discussions, heated and otherwise, on the subject over the past eight years. (And not all of them started by me, either -- he used to get annoyed with me "cleaning" his stuff before we worked out a compromise.) What we eventually put together is that his standards of when something is dirty and mine are drastically different. I can't cope when there's clutter around me. He doesn't even see it. If I stopped cleaning altogether, he wouldn't care. (I know this for a fact because I have, and he doesn't. Once it gets dirty enough to register with him, he cleans without a word of complaint.)

He does cook dinner most nights and scoop the litter boxes for the cats, so it isn't as though I do everything. But he needs defined things like the dinner and the box scooping because he literally doesn't see mess where I do.

I try to be tolerant, because I know there are plenty of stupid and screwed up things about me that he doesn't understand (like, for example, my inability to function when there's clutter around me) that he knows comes as part of the 'Kitten in the Rain package' and accepts, and I also know he's changed a lot about himself to better mesh with me, just as I've done with him. We have drastically different upbringings, to the point where we have almost no shared childhood experiences, so we've really had to build a common ground brick by brick, as it were.

We both get frustrated sometimes, but that's part of having a relationship with someone who's very different from you.

Back on the subject, before I was diagnosed for Type II bipolar and treated, I could be -very- combative when I was feeling depressed if someone would get on my case about it. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I didn't know how to control it, and when I'd get pushed too much, I'd start feeling like the world was "picking on me" and lash out. Becuase didn't people KNOW what I was going through? Didn't they KNOW how "hard" things were for me? Could I really be expected to do more? (Or so I rationalized things to myself.)

Now I'm older and wiser and I don't like fighting as much as I used to, so I tend to just accept the consequenses when I go through a downswing. It's not something I expect many people to understand. But I have seen many people like me become very combative when pushed while they were depressed. I think this is especially likely when you're dealing with a mother/daughter dynamic. Lots of mothers and daughters get along really well, but my experience has been that when they don't get along, the fireworks are pretty darned impressive.

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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AW... if it is convenient for you to do so (ie. you don't live an hour away or something like that), I would say don't offer to do these things for your mom... just go over and do them. Could be that she doesn't want to feel like she's putting you out by asking for help... could be that she hates feeling helpless and is embarassed to ask for help. So just go over and do it... even if she tells you don't bother, just say, "It's no bother, I'll be right over."

I have to say, I skimmed through a good portion of this after reading the comment your sister made to your mom about "You're not the first person to have surgery... it's not like you're dying." [flame] That comment made me want to track your sister down and smack her silly! How rude and asshattish can you get? And it strikes me that she could even go a bit farther if she really felt like it. GRR!

I honestly think that your folks should definitely charge her rent. Ideally, they should kick her out on her ass, but if she acts like this with your parents, who knows how well she would (or wouldn't!) take care of her own child if she were on her own. I know that your sister has problems besides being rude and unhelpful, and yes, she needs help for those problems, but she cannot hide behind them, and your parents cannot allow her to use them as excuses for not getting off her ass and doing something to better herself.

*sigh* That frigging comment is kinda making it so that I can't think entirely straight. I would REALLY love to introduce your sister's ass to my foot... but there's no guarantee it would do any good, huh? [Wink]

I wish you and your parents the best of luck with this whole situation.

--------------------
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vanilla
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Auntie Witch:
I just got off the phone with my mother. I took her shopping today, and she told me not to bother with unloading her groceries, because I had my own to take home and unload. I carried the heavier bags in for her, and she put up the stuff that needed refrigerated, and told me she'd get the rest "A little bit at a time when I get the energy to do it."

So about ten minutes ago, Mom called. She said, "I just wanted you to know, because I know you'll find it interesting, that S put on her makeup and watched TV and C [her boyfriend] put up my groceries with me." [Mad]



Ok.

Here's the thing - as others have posted, this is between your mother and her daughter. But, it appears that your mother wants to make this between herself, her other daughter (you), and her daughter. It doesn't sound like your mom is telling your sister what angers or upsets her, instead, she calls you and gossips about it.

Your mother's plan was to bring in her groceries herself - and then she gets angry (and angers you in the re-telling) because your sister didn't help her with something she told you she was going to do herself. Now, true, some of us would offer to help mom knowing her situation and what she is going through. But, living with someone 24/7 and actually knowing what they are capable of and what they are not capable of are two different things. Also, there may be a conversation that we missed, your sister may have been entirely wrapped up in her search and did not know what your mother was doing, or she offered to help and was re-buked by your mom.

I don't know. I don't know your family. But I do know that My family is like this. My mother is a lovely woman, but man, could she down-talk my dad like no one's business. She used to call me and complain about what my father "didn't" do without exactly explaining what she didn't do. Like ask him to help. Or let him know she needed help. Or do something petty she was complaining about not being done that would have taken her 3 minutes herself. After finally asking her if she asked him to do these things, I finally got her to stop calling me to gossip about my father and to start being happier with her spouse as she started communicating with him instead of me. Like I said, this is my family. And I don't know your family. But I do wonder if there may be a twinge of this going on as your mother passive-aggressively pits daughter against daughter.

--------------------
I swear, it was funnier in my head.
Yeah, I used to be pink. vanilla_pink.

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Auntie Witch
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vanilla, I don't know why mom called me. It may have been to antagonize me more about my sister, or it may have been to rant. I don't know. We'd also had a conversation earlier that had been, "Does C see what S does and does not do?", so it may have been that she called to illustrate a point in that previous conversation. I don't know.

You have an interesting point, though. My sister and I have never gotten along. Ever. I wonder now if Mom had something to do with that. I'll have to ponder that one some more. Not that I could or would do anything about it if I come to that conclusion.

Some possibly good news: my daycare provider is considering taking on an assistant. If she does, my sister will have the job. It's still a bit up in the air, but at least it's got my sister excited about getting gainful employment.

--------------------
"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
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