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Author Topic: Am I wrong to want them to change their wedding date?
Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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I know a lot of brides-to-be have complained about guests trying to get them to change their wedding dates. My question is, is there ever a good reason to ask a couple to reconsider the date they chose?

To explain: In January, my MIL told me that J's brother and his gf had set a wedding date in August. I made the comment that I hoped it wasn't when school started, or we'd have a hard time coming down. She said she'd mention it to them. This was before I began job-hunting, and in my old district, I had a slight chance of getting out that first week of school if I had to, so I wasn't too concerned, but I did want them to know that there might be a conflict.

I got the calendar for my new school last week. I talked to my MIL yesterday, and she said they'd set their date. It happens to be the first Saturday after school starts.

I will need that weekend to prepare. I won't have a chance before then to look over my student IEPs, so I will only have that weekend to prepare my curriculum. It is extremely important I work that weekend. Plus, this is a new job, and I have to make a good impression. I casually mentioned to my MIL that if the wedding were set in stone (no invites are out yet, and J said his brother tenatively told him he'd be in the wedding, but didn't give him specifics) it would be hard for me to make it. She said she had told them that a long time ago! [Mad] Plus, J's brother's little girl will have to miss the first week of her school to be at the wedding, so it's not just me that has a conflict with their date. Let me repeat that: They are pulling his daughter out of her first week of school so they can have their wedding on the date they chose.

My wedding planning, for both my weddings, involved looking very carefully for dates that would be convenient to the most family members. I rescheduled my wedding to J three times until I found a date that worked best for everyone. We wound up almost cancelling it altogether because we didn't want to cause conflict. J and I wound up getting married on my parent's 24th wedding anniversary, and only after Mom told us it was okay with them. Is it that unheard of to consider other people when you're getting married?

I don't think my reasoning is selfish. This is a matter of, I have to work that weekend. We won't be able to stay more than a day or two if we do go, and if we do, I'll have to carry a ton of (confidential) paperwork back and forth with me. When we went out at Christmas and they mentioned getting married in August, I even told future-SIL that August was a tricky month, and that if it was at the end of the month, I wasn't sure if J and I would be able to make it. This was before they set the date!

Am I completely out of bounds to be pissed? I am fighting the urge to call BIL and tell him I'm sorry I won't be able to make his wedding, but I had told him back in December that I would probably have to work that weekend.

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LeaflessMapleTree
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Casually bring up the subject. If they say it's set in stone, it's out of bounds to ask them to change it. But not out of bounds to be pissed. That basically means that they don't care enough about you coming to have considered your issue when choosing a wedding date. Or they forgot, which probably means they don't care too much.

So ask. But if they say no...well, not much you can do except be pissed.

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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I don't think you are wrong to be annoyed, but I think you'd be wrong to say anything more at this point. If the date is not convenient then I would just not go. Don't make a big deal about it, send a gift along with your regrets but, well, what is an all important occasion *to them* should not mean causing you major inconvenience. And they already know that it would. Saying anything now might just lead to bad feeling.

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BeachLife
The Bills of St. Mary's


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I agree with Christie. There is not problem with letting them know you can't be there. Apologize profusely and explain that you have to work that weekend. Then leave it at that.

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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I think I would just let it drop and not go. If anyone asks J why you aren't there, let him explain that you mentioned, more than once, before the date was set that you might not be able to attend at that time of the year, you just started a new job, and it was imperative that you take care of business. I don't blame you for being upset, but don't let the future bride, groom and rest of the family know just how angry you are. You might be lucky to have an excuse not to go. [lol]

ETA: I just noticed that you said J and you might not be able to go. Sorry. So, just RSVP and don't worry about it. I'm guessing J will need to be home to help with the girls so that you can get your work done. I'm not sure I'd apologize for not being able to attend, either. An apology usually indicates that a wrong has occurred. You did nothing wrong.

Edited again to change a word. Whoops!

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deftonesmoo
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That's probably the date that works best for them . . . and after all, it is their wedding, right? Im sure they'll understand if you can't make it . . . wish them well, send a gift, and check out the photographs after the wedding if you can't make it . . .
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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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I guess what gets me the most is that I'm not the only one whose schedule wasn't optimal for that wedding date. My MIL has mentioned to them over and over again that it's just not a good date. That, and I'd really like to be able to go, particularly is J is in it. I've never gotten to see him in a tux, and I'd hate to miss it. [Wink]

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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What reason do they have for having to have the wedding on this date? Is it a sentimental choice "when first our eyes did meet" kind of thing or are they getting a rate on a honeymoon cruise or something?

ETA: question answered in a simulpost! Does this count as a spanking [Big Grin] ?

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by deftonesmoo:
That's probably the date that works best for them . . . and after all, it is their wedding, right? Im sure they'll understand if you can't make it . . . wish them well, send a gift, and check out the photographs after the wedding if you can't make it . . .

From what I understood from what my MIL told me, they won't even consider a different date. They wanted to get married on the anniverary of the day they met, and don't seem to care who can't make it. Like I said, they're pulling his daughter out of school (and she struggles anyway) just so they can get married on that date.

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Kitten in the rain
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I agree with Christie. You're not wrong to be annoyed, but you'd be wrong to say something.

For some couples who get married, the wedding is about the guests. I think I'd be one of those people -- any ceremony I submitted to would be out of love for various relatives who'd want pictures of it. [Razz] Similarly, Boyfriend in the Rain's best friend is flying halfway across the country to get married because most of his and her family are there, and it's easier than them all having to fly here. (We'll probably be flying halfway across the country to see them get married.)

But for some people, the wedding is about their celebration of their love for each other, and that's not wrong, either.

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TrekkerScout
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If they have already chosen to pull their daughter from school for the wedding, the date is most likely set in their minds. Trying to get them to change the date would be a wasted effort. I would just politely tell them that you won't be going to their wedding and leave it at that. I would also give them the cheapest/cheesiest gift on their registry.
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Signora Del Drago
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[fish] Well, if they don't care who can't make it, then they shouldn't care who can't send them a gift. [lol]

It's sad that they're taking his daughter out of school to satisfy their egos, though. Doesn't her mother have any say about that?

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qualli
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Just send them a gift and a card.

I had my own problems with inconsiderate brides. My grandmother decided to get married suring my spring break. My mother had already requested the week off so we could go on a trip.

My sister and brother in law were going to be out of town as well.

She wouldn't change her date either. [Roll Eyes]

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Die Capacitrix
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quote:
Originally posted by Auntie Witch:
From what I understood from what my MIL told me, they won't even consider a different date. They wanted to get married on the anniverary of the day they met, and don't seem to care who can't make it. Like I said, they're pulling his daughter out of school (and she struggles anyway) just so they can get married on that date.

Good thing the date's on a weekend, right? I hope this doesn't set the tone for their marriage. A wedding is only one day. The fallout from their ill-chosen wedding date may last a lot longer.

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Chimera
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Well I don't think anything you will say would change their minds (besides most weddings take a lot of planning so some stuff might already be in the works) so I suggest not saying anything at all. Be happy for them. Buy them a gift. Send your regrets for not being there. Don't burn bridges. Don't argue. And don't tell others you blame the couple for not being there. Weddings are hell. You can cater to everyone. That date is important to them so let them have it.

I actually don't see much wrong with pulling a child out of school for a (hopefuly) once in a life time occasion. Heck I got pulled out of school all the time for far less (my dad's busness travels, quick trips to Europe, scuba trip to feed sharks, just wanting a damned day off). Some things are just cheaper or more convient or just happen to occur durring the school year (I almost failed college, or at least a class, because I thought a solar eclipse was more important than a final... luckily the professor actually understood). Everyone has there own views on what's "important". Heck I nearly took my own kid out of school for a Friday the 13th superstion bash. They only happen about once a year. But then I found out that it was happening twice that year and another group was holding one on the other date. If something horrific comes up its often posible to get some missed days waived.

But people attach sentimental meanings to a lot of things and that's kind of sweet. Heck I can still remember the date of my first NFBSK. It was October 13 but I'm not saying what year.

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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I'm totally at a loss as to why a guest's scheduling and desires would be more important than the bride & groom's, and why that would make them "inconsiderate".

This day is about them, not about the guests. Certainly, they would want their friends and family to attend and enjoy the ceremony, but not everyone can be accomodated. Would we be having this conversation if the location, rather than the date, were inconvenient to the guests but ideal to the bride & groom?

Auntie, I say send a gift and regrets, blessings and wishes.

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snapdragonfly
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quote:
Originally posted by Christie:
I don't think you are wrong to be annoyed, but I think you'd be wrong to say anything more at this point. If the date is not convenient then I would just not go. Don't make a big deal about it, send a gift along with your regrets but, well, what is an all important occasion *to them* should not mean causing you major inconvenience. And they already know that it would. Saying anything now might just lead to bad feeling.

I think that is the sensible thing to do. You can't expect them to make the date around your convenience, but on the other hand, if they knew ahead of time it was a bad weekend for you and scheduled it then anyway, they either are clueless, very self absorbed, don't listen well, don't care if you come or not, or had to make it that weekend because of some other factor. That's their problem that nobody will be at their inconveniently scheduled wedding, not yours. If it is bad for you, don't go. BUT - Don't make a deal of it either. Don't let THEM make a deal of it. It's bad for you, they did it anyway, you can't go, what are the options? Either go and be a martyr or don't go - unfortunately, getting them to change doesn't seem to be an available course of action for you.

IF they get upset about you going, just calmly and cheerfully say, "I'm so sorry that weekend is just impossible for me! I'm sure it will be lovely. I wish I could be there. I'll see you guys in (whenever) and congratulations!" end of discussion. Repeat as necessary.

Weddings make people nuts - don't get sucked into the drama.

ETA when I have occasions that I really want someone to come to, I ask them if they can come. If they say it's bad for them, and I go ahead and do it anyway, I figure they are off the hook for coming.

They don't owe you your choice of date, and you don't owe them coming at your inconvenience. I guess it's a matter of what means more - having your first choice of date, or all your loved ones. Me, it'd be the loved ones, but that's just how *I* am.

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Jenn
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I understand being disappointed at not being able to go, but I think people are being a bit harsh towards couples who stick with their date. Ill-chosen? Ego satisfying? Inconsiderate? For picking a date that has special meaning to them? I think it's sweet and sentimental about their relationship. Instead of going for convenience, they're going for a day that is significant to them and that will make it memorable for them for the rest of their lives. Many couples choose dates and locations that have special meaning to them, and if some people can't make it it's unfortunate. Some choose and date and location in hopes that it will thin the herd of guests. Some people opt to have no guests at all and instead they run away to elope. Others bend over backwards to accommodate as many guests being there as possible. Every option is okay as far as I'm concerned. It's their day and they ought to do what will make it the most special for them.

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glisp42
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Bottom line: It's their day and they chose it because it had special meaning. Send a gift and a nice card with your regrets.

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Errata
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quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
Would we be having this conversation if the location, rather than the date, were inconvenient to the guests but ideal to the bride & groom?

Actually, we might. I had a relative who this happened to. Contingents of the bride and groom's families both insisted they must have their wedding near them, so it was impossible to satisfy both and they'd have to choose. They chose neither and had their wedding in Costa Rica instead. Everyone was still invited, but only if they paid their own way. It was really small because most of the families didn't go, but I think they did the right thing.
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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Errata:
quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
Would we be having this conversation if the location, rather than the date, were inconvenient to the guests but ideal to the bride & groom?

Actually, we might. I had a relative who this happened to. Contingents of the bride and groom's families both insisted they must have their wedding near them, so it was impossible to satisfy both and they'd have to choose. They chose neither and had their wedding in Costa Rica instead. Everyone was still invited, but only if they paid their own way. It was really small because most of the families didn't go, but I think they did the right thing.
Same thing happened to us. We went to Vegas, invited everyone to come for a fun weekend and requested their presence for 1 hour. Those that joined us had fun. Those that didn't were missed but oh well. It was about us starting our new life together.

Now my life is so crazy that the likelihood of anyone being able to accomodate my schedule for their event is next to zero. I have to pick-and-choose, and prioritize. It sucks, but then again, it ain't about me.

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
I'm totally at a loss as to why a guest's scheduling and desires would be more important than the bride & groom's, and why that would make them "inconsiderate".

Even when they're expecting half of a couple they're inviting to be in the wedding? J has two brothers. They have no contact with their extended family. There will not be a lot of family attending this wedding. J's brother lives with his parents, and his younger brother is in the same town they are in. I don't know about future SIL's family, but they don't seem very close from various things I've seen and heard.

I think that's what bothers me the most. My husband is expected to be a groomsman, if not the best man. Surely he and his family could be accomodated? J's brother was one of the people we kept rescheduling our wedding for!

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mommyrex
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quote:
Originally posted by snapdragonfly:
Weddings make people nuts - don't get sucked into the drama.

Stories like these are why I never regret having a courthouse wedding with no witnesses.

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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Auntie Witch:
quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
I'm totally at a loss as to why a guest's scheduling and desires would be more important than the bride & groom's, and why that would make them "inconsiderate".

Even when they're expecting half of a couple they're inviting to be in the wedding? J has two brothers. They have no contact with their extended family. There will not be a lot of family attending this wedding. J's brother lives with his parents, and his younger brother is in the same town they are in. I don't know about future SIL's family, but they don't seem very close from various things I've seen and heard.

I think that's what bothers me the most. My husband is expected to be a groomsman, if not the best man. Surely he and his family could be accomodated? J's brother was one of the people we kept rescheduling our wedding for!

Well, Auntie, they can expect what they want, but if J is not willing to go without you, you cannot go, and they can't/won't reschedule, then they will be without a groomsman. You guys can only do what you can do. But that doesn't make them inconsiderate, just unrealistic. If their perfect wedding revolves around J being a part of it, then they need to accommodate J. If he isn't critical, than they only need to consider themselves.

It's nice that you rescheduled your wedding for others, but that should not be expected by anyone.

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
It's nice that you rescheduled your wedding for others, but that should not be expected by anyone.

But it was, and we did, partly for the same person who is now refusing to accomodate us. I think that's what has me the most upset. We bent over backwards for BIL, but when they first mentioned "thinking about August" I told them it might be a conflict. No mention was made of it being their anniversary. That just now came up.

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Christie
The Bills of St. Mary's


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quote:
Originally posted by Auntie Witch:
quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
I'm totally at a loss as to why a guest's scheduling and desires would be more important than the bride & groom's, and why that would make them "inconsiderate".

Even when they're expecting half of a couple they're inviting to be in the wedding? J has two brothers. They have no contact with their extended family. There will not be a lot of family attending this wedding. J's brother lives with his parents, and his younger brother is in the same town they are in. I don't know about future SIL's family, but they don't seem very close from various things I've seen and heard.

I think that's what bothers me the most. My husband is expected to be a groomsman, if not the best man. Surely he and his family could be accomodated? J's brother was one of the people we kept rescheduling our wedding for!

I think that does make a difference. You aren't just guests, your husband (and by extension you) are expected to be part of the wedding party and it's not unreasonable to have expected that the bride and groom would have taken your schedules into consideration. It really does sound like they are so focused on the perfect date that the logistics of attending their wedding for those participating is just not a consideration. Frankly, if I were J I would be very tempted to send my regrets and suggest they find someone who lives closer to be a groomsman.

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If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

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monkey
Happy Holly Days


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AW, it does seem like they're being a bit unrealistic. Something I've noticed about soon-to-be-married couples (and we were somewhat guilty of this too!) is that they often expect their wedding day to be so important that everyone will cancel other plans to make it. They probably don't really expect you to miss it for work - after all, they're only getting married once, and you can work any day!

That being said, you did give them plenty of warning that this particular weekend was bad for you, and they chose it anyway. There's really no option but to send your regrets and stay home. If J can't go without you, he should let them know ASAP that they're out a groomsman. But other than that, I really wouldn't make it an issue.

I do think that once a date is set, it's unreasonable of a guest to ask the couple to change it. We tried to accomodate our families when picking a date, but once it was picked, it was picked. One of my husband's parents' last-ditch efforts to get us to cancel the whole thing was to whine that husband's sister wouldn't be able to make it because her school-year wouldn't be over (she's a teacher in California). Considering this same sister had sent my husband a letter trying to convince him not to marry me (on his mother's orders) we didn't feel too guilty sticking to our date.

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by monkey:
They probably don't really expect you to miss it for work - after all, they're only getting married once, and you can work any day!

That's actually what I'm afraid of. If I don't go, I'll be the big, evil witchy SIL who thought her job was more important than their wedding day, and who either sent her husband on his own, or who kept him from being in their "perfect" wedding (depending on what J decides).

OR, I'll be the person who doesn't seem to care because she was up all night working, and still carsick from working during the five hour drive to get there, plus I'll end up doing a half-assed job and end up looking bad to my new school. I was told by someone who would know that I probably beat out about 50 other applicants for the position I got. It won't hurt their feelings any to get rid of me at the end of the year if I do poorly, and I won't be able to take that Friday off. In other words, even if I do go, I'll have to keep J from the rehearsal, because we can't afford to drive both cars up there.

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Faith
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Auntie Witch:
quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
It's nice that you rescheduled your wedding for others, but that should not be expected by anyone.

But it was, and we did, partly for the same person who is now refusing to accomodate us. I think that's what has me the most upset. We bent over backwards for BIL, but when they first mentioned "thinking about August" I told them it might be a conflict. No mention was made of it being their anniversary. That just now came up.
Oh dear. If they asked or put pressure on you to rearrange your wedding to accommodate them then they have a real nerve. But if you went out of your way to please everyone unbidden then to me, it's quite different. If they didn't ask you to move your wedding, then I don't feel they're obliged to go the extra mile based on your actions.

Don't get me wrong, I'd feel extremely hurt in your shoes but I don't think you have moral leverage here.

If it was me, I would call and express dismay I couldn't go and see how it goes from there. If they put pressure on me to change my plans to meet their chosendate, I would not get drawn into it and simply reiterate I'd explained in adavance I wouldn't be available. I'd hope they'd then change their plans. If not, I send a gift and my apologies.

Best of luck on how it works out, Auntie Witch.

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"You watched it. You can't UNWATCH it."

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Lydia Oh Lydia
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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I think it's ok for you to be disappointed. But, it's their wedding date. If you can't make it, you can't. If they ask you why you can't be there, then tell them. Honestly, I do think it's a little much for you to want them to change their wedding date.

As for starting work, you can't work on it sometime prior to the weekend just before school starts? Do you think it's a bit much to think that your first day of work will be indicative of how your evaluation for the entire year will be? Is it possible to do the work while traveling or in downtime at the wedding?

If you can't go, why would you keep your DH from going? (I'm asking this based on your last post).

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"My name is the symbol for my identity and must not be lost." Motto of the Lucy Stone League.

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Auntie Witch
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Lydia Oh Lydia:
I think it's ok for you to be disappointed. But, it's their wedding date. If you can't make it, you can't. If they ask you why you can't be there, then tell them. Honestly, I do think it's a little much for you to want them to change their wedding date.

As for starting work, you can't work on it sometime prior to the weekend just before school starts? Do you think it's a bit much to think that your first day of work will be indicative of how your evaluation for the entire year will be? Is it possible to do the work while traveling or in downtime at the wedding?

If you can't go, why would you keep your DH from going? (I'm asking this based on your last post).

I teach SPED. There's a LOT of paperwork that has to be done ASAP, but cannot be done prior to the beginning of the school year, when I meet my kids, get my IEPs, and figure out my schedule. As far as working while traveling, I don't have a laptop, so I'll have to handwrite the stuff, then retype it when we get home. I can get some of it done during downtime, maybe, but since it's all confidential paperwork, I won't be able to do much. [Frown]

I don't know if J would go without me or not. If he decides not to, that's fine. If he does go, that's fine. But then we'll have to have a plan for our kids (will he take them, or will I? Rina does NOT do well without him, Mia does NOT do well without me, they do NOT do well without each other, so that will be very messy no matter what we do if he goes and I stay).

If I decide to go and forsake my paperwork, he will have to miss the rehearsal, because we won't be able to get on the road until after I get out of school. We won't be there until after 10 PM that Friday night.

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"Feel my head! I feel like a puppy!" -My mother
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!
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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Please understand I'm not trying to put you down, AW. You have a right to be upset that you cannot attend, and that J is now in the position of possibly attending without you. But this is still their wedding, not yours. They made the choice of the day. If that means J cannot attend, then that is a compromise they have made. If it means that you cannot attend, that is a compromise you have made. Compromises aren't always right or wrong - they just *are*. You have to decide whether your new job is more important than attending the wedding. That sucks, but it is the situation.

As far as what others think of your decision, too bad! If they didn't consider your situation, or opted for the perfect date in light of your conflict, that's their problem, not yours! They decided to do what they perceive as best for them - do what you perceive is best for you! Be gracious, be firm, and be a shining star on that new job that you and your family depend on.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

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Lydia Oh Lydia
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Oh, I think Roadie made a good point. If you decide not to go based upon your work, I definitely don't think anyone should be mad at you.

And, AW, if you miss the rehearsal, that doesn't seem like that big of a deal. And, maybe it's a good compromise of you being able to attend the wedding itself. (I'm assuming it's a pretty standard wedding.)

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"My name is the symbol for my identity and must not be lost." Motto of the Lucy Stone League.

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snapdragonfly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Okay - I DO think that if they EXPECT you to be at the wedding, but will not make it a date that works for you, that's an entirely different ball of wax. Entirely.

Having a wedding on a date that sucks for everyone else because it's sentimental for the couple, is their right, because it's...their wedding, so, fine.

But getting all prima donna and stamping their feet and expecting the rest of the world to bend over backwards and cater to THEM and come out on THAT DATE AND THAT DATE ONLY is self absorbed, inconsiderate, and childish.

Again - they can have it whenever they want. But what they can't do is throw fits and demand that people attend if it's a bad date for them.

Jeez. Drama. I wonder what sort of bridesmaid's dresses the bride is ordering...

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"Wolves, dragons and vampires, man. Draw the nut-bars like big ol' nut-bar magnets." ~evilrabbit

(snurched because one of my nutbar family members is all about wolves and another one is all about dragons...)(with apologies to surfcitydogdad)

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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Here's the bride's dress.

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"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

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