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Author Topic: So un-glamorous (DEFINITE TMI FOR ACTIVE TOPICS)
Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Neffti Neon:
I pray that I do not have another.

Another...C-Section?

Another...child?

Another...DH?

Another...orgasm?

Inquiring minds want to know.

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"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
quote:
Originally posted by Neffti Neon:
I pray that I do not have another.

Another...C-Section?

Another...child?

Another...DH?

Another...orgasm?

Inquiring minds want to know.

I meant another year of "NEARLY!" [lol]

To avoid that, I would need to avoid another c-section, which is pretty straightforward since I won't be having any more kids.

I definitely don't want another DH, since the one I have is irreplaceable. I consider myself positively gifted to have one who coaxed me through a year of "NEARLY!" [lol]

That was a bit glurgy so I need to lower the tone now.

I was on antibiotics for a long time earlier this year and for about a month afterwards my poo smelt like sour milk. Yes, that ought to do it. [lol]

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mags
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by Neffti Neon:
I was on antibiotics for a long time earlier this year and for about a month afterwards my poo smelt like sour milk.

For awhile, my pee smelled like meat. It has progressed over the years, and now it often smells like eggs. Not rotten ones, more like hard boiled. Occasionally, it smells like sauerkraut. None of this seems to have any direct relation to what I eat.

My SO walked by the bathroom when I was peeing this afternoon, and pointed out the eggy smell, then told me I should hard boil some eggs for him sometime. I told him I found it disturbing that my pee made him hungry.

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by mags:
I told him I found it disturbing that my pee made him hungry.

Now there's a comment that I can whole-heartedly agree with! [Smile]

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

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UrbanReindeer
Deck the Malls


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I love you Neffti. I would ask you to have my babies but for various reasons that's not going to happen.

I still have a numb-ish spot above my pubic bone from the c-section. It feel weird to be touched there, and shaving that area is teeth-gritting icky. And occasionally my husband will rub my pubes the wrong way (the hair grows DOWN, dammit), which combined with the weird lack of sensastion from the numb spot can put me right out of the mood.

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"He feeds the sparrows of the field, but He doesn't sit there and cram worms into their mouths." -- Mouse

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Zorro
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Neffti Neon:
Talking of childbearing. After my c-section large bits of me went numb, and I lost my orgasms. It was a very sulky time. I would get right to the top of the rollercoaster, and then instead of careering down the other side screaming and giggling, my car would stop and almost imperceptibly start to roll backwards.

This was the year in which DH began to think his name was "NEARLY..."

I pray that I do not have another.

I am so very glad to know that I am not the only one this has happened to after childbirth!!

And PI, I think this is the perfect thread to share that story you told me today about your hubby and Khaled. [lol]

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"Seize the day! Make your lives extraordinary!"
-John Keating, "Dead Poets Society"

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Heh... hadn't thought of that. [Smile]

Okay, so one day when my first boy was about 4 months old and hubby and I were so completely sleep-deprived, one morning when the baby woke up way too early, hubby said he'd get up with him so I could sleep. What a sweetie, I thought, I have a great husband.

Well, maybe 20 minutes later, I hear him say, "PI, get up now," in this tone of voice that told me something was really wrong. I jumped out of bed, neglecting to put on my glasses... and I was so thankful that I hadn't put them on because hubby was holding the baby up, and there was this giant puddle of yellow all on hubby's tummy.

(For those of you who don't know, baby poop... especially breastfed baby poop... is all runny and yellow.)

So I grabbed the baby and took him for a new outfit and new diaper... and let me tell you, touching poo-saturated clothes is NO fun, but hey... I guess you do these things when you're a mom. Anyhow... come to find out that one of the fasteners of the diaper had come undone so that the diaper was only half attached at the waist.

There was just about NO poop that was actually in the diaper.

Poor hubby.

But hey, just to prove that my kid had nothing specific against his daddy, he got me later with a shot of projectile poop... nailed me from about 2-3 feet away. So... I guess hubby and I have both been properly "christened." [lol]

--------------------
They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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When DD was about 8 months, DH and I were very grateful to discover that we could actually both eat a hot meal at the same time thanks to the door bouncer, as DD would bounce in that happily for perhaps 15 minutes before resuming her usual siren-raid "hold me constantly 24 hours a day 7 days a week or I will explode" noises.

Aaaaanyway, on about the third night of this discovery, we were both tucking into our nice hot meals (knives and forks and everything!) when we heard parps, trumps and fraps coming from DD. As she was untroubled, I decided to finish my hot dinner before attending to the crisis.

When I had finished my dinner about 7 minutes later, I found that she had done a runny one and the secure seat/waistband of the bouncer had squeezed her nappy empty. She had poo inside her babygro, up her back and down to her toes. It was a messy job and we ended up sitting her in the bath, sticking the luke-warm shower hose down the back of her babygro and washing the poo out that way.

A small oak leaf came out with all the poo. I still wonder where it came from.

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KatrinaDuck
Jingle Bell Hock


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You guys are killing me.

One time, when I had first started dating my ex, I had cramps and gas really badly... I was able to hold most of it back, but one got out, and he said, "did I just hear a duck quack?" After that, he blamed any fart - mine or his - on the duck, who we named George.

I currently have a cat who farts. It's usually when he's either on my lap or on the bed. The big cat has very stinky poo, but at least he keeps it in the litter box!

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It is, after all, the dab of grit that seeps into an oyster's shell that makes the pearl, not pearl-making seminars with other oysters. -Stephen King

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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While we're on the subject of cramps and abdominal pain [Smile] ...When I was in grade 11 I stupidly tried lifting a 70 pound set of stage steps in my school's gym by jerking them upward and ended up causing what one doctor described as "moderate symmetrical tears" in my lowest and second lowest set of abdominal muscles. It wasn't a hernia, though, so they couldn't do much except suggest I get one of those stretchy wrap thingers that pregnant women wear for back support, and to take it REALLY easy for a while. I happened to be at a gathering of friends, and I tried getting up from a soft squishy couch and cried out in intense pain. I couldn't even lean forward. One of the girls actually said to me "Oh shut up. At least you don't have cramps right now. They're killing me." (Not trying to diminish the suffering of women from menstrual cramps in general, but this particular girl proceeded to hop out of her chair and start dancing to a song that came on the radio about 15 minutes after she made this comment.)

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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Zorro
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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The Zorrling farted big time yesterday while I was in the middle of changing his diaper. My eyes began watering and I almost passed out from the fumes. I swear the little bugger was laughing at me, too.

--------------------
"Seize the day! Make your lives extraordinary!"
-John Keating, "Dead Poets Society"

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Freshman
We Three Blings


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it's odd: with the exception of Cervus' antidote about giving her dog used pads, I haven't felt at all ill while reading this thread. I don't really have any bodily function stories to share cept for the idiotic time my aunt who was rather tipsy let one off and my two cousins raced to the car till the smell went away. Oh, and my dad farts in his sleep all the time at night, it's embarassing Also: does anyone know if it's true that James Joyce had a fetish for flatulent women? For that matter, have any of you involved flatulence, piss, etc in sexual foreplay.

wait, don't answer that, my mind got too curious

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"High-Five!" - Borat

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Kitsune26
The First USA Noel


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I realized that my SO is a keeper the day I caught the Norwalk virus.
He didn't bat an eye when I vomited on the floor and he had to come clean it.
Nor did he say anything (whithin ear shot anyways) about having to wash five pairs of pajama pants befouled with pretty noxious poo.

Anyways, for the humor portion:
Both of us have pretty bad gas. So it's not uncommon to hear
"Pooooot. Hee-hee."
"AW damn."
Unfortunatly for me, he poots while sleeping, so every now and then I roll over and get a face of raman and chili fumes funnling up from the covers.

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I'm as giddy as a Japanese school girl in an octopus tank.

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BlushingBride
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE TMI SPACE

Count me as another one whose dogs dig for tampons in the trash. They like things they can shred, and they enjoy stealing my panties from the laundry, so I imagine used tampons are like the Holy Grail of Things They Can Steal. "WOW! Not only can I shred it, it smells like panties! Whoo hoo!"


And one time, a person who was definitely not me was a student in high school. This person attended a 3,000+ student school, and between classes the hallways were always very crowded.
Anyway, one day as she was between classes, she found that she really, really, really needed to fart. Desperately. She'd been ill a few days earlier, and her tummy was decidedly unhappy. But there were no bathrooms nearby and class was about to start. So she did the only sensible thing. She squeezed her way into the middle of a huge crowd, and let it rip. It was noisier and more noxious than she expected. Then she joined in with all of the disgusted looks and shouts of "Who was that?" before hurrying off to class, totally undetected and really rather proud of herself for getting away with it.
A few minutes later, another student came into class late and apologized for his tardiness by explaning that the vice principals had blocked off the hallway in front of the classroom because someone had dropped a stink bomb there.

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"In perfume, as in underwear, the scantiest of applications provides the greatest of returns." -Silas Sparkhammer

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serarose
Deck the Malls


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This is totally embaressing, but hey, everyone else seems in a sharey mood, so why not.Just a few days ago, I actually startled myself awake with my own fart.I was lying on my back and almost sat straight up in bed.Half awake, I could hear my boyfriend laughing. I'm not sure if he was awake already or if I woke him up since he's a light sleeper [Embarrassed]

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The important thing is not to stop questioning- Einstein

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Bach_girl
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Kitsune26:
I realized that my SO is a keeper the day I caught the Norwalk virus.
He didn't bat an eye when I vomited on the floor and he had to come clean it.
Nor did he say anything (whithin ear shot anyways) about having to wash five pairs of pajama pants befouled with pretty noxious poo.

Anyways, for the humor portion:
Both of us have pretty bad gas. So it's not uncommon to hear
"Pooooot. Hee-hee."
"AW damn."
Unfortunatly for me, he poots while sleeping, so every now and then I roll over and get a face of raman and chili fumes funnling up from the covers.

I knew it was love when my DH cleaned up my DDs vomit. I would have had a rough time doing it myself and he offered. (I was on the way out the door to work and he didn't want me to be late.)

We also have a running joke about DH pooping in my sweatpants. We had just started dating and he got really sick and had a high fever etc. My kids were sleeping so I bundled him up in my sweats and called his mom to take him to the hospital. The next day I went to his apartment and I saw my sweatpants on his floor and he told me not to touch them because he had an accident and needed to wash them.

I let my cat lick my earplugs every morning.

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"My Very Educated Mother Just Said Uh-oh! No...Pluto..."~ Steven Colbert

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lunchlady
I Saw Three Shipments


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Pardon me! Girls don't fart. Windows may rattle, small birds may fall dead from the sky and paint on the walls may peel, but girls don't fart. [Big Grin]
That being said, I...erm, I mean my friend has the habit of ripping off a ripe one in bed and putting the covers over DH's head.
My mother is another one that blames it on a duck. Sounds just like one, generally. Dad leaves brown-green clouds and grins eeevil-ly.
My dog is another that lurves used undies and pads, especially loves to roll on them. No, I never intentionally gave her one, but she's a weasel and as quiet as a toddler getting into trouble. I hate picking up shreds of used pads up off the back yard. [Mad]

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lunchlady

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
---James Bovard

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Crackrzz
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Personally my favorite way to cover up a fart is a) barking carpet spiders or b) sat on a duck!

Pads suck, but maneuvering a string around not to pee on it is just as bad!

Back with more later, maybe.

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Stand up, slip on the bathtub floor, fling a hand up to balance yourself, and happen to have your mouth open on the downswing. Voila, a new hole in your face.

-Tabby, on how she cut her lip while shaving her legs.

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by lunchlady:

That being said, I...erm, I mean my friend has the habit of ripping off a ripe one in bed and putting the covers over DH's head.

What's your farty friend doing in bed with DH? Now that's REALLY something to worry about! (I know, I know!) [lol]
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Shrek_Daddy
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by KatrinaDuck:
You guys are killing me.

One time, when I had first started dating my ex, I had cramps and gas really badly... I was able to hold most of it back, but one got out, and he said, "did I just hear a duck quack?" After that, he blamed any fart - mine or his - on the duck, who we named George.


DW blamed her first one on a stuffed penquin (Opus)...to this day, 16 years later, we refer to them as ooopies.


She also blamed them on the Canadian Snowbirds once..when there were no planes for miles around--she said "well they are tootors(Tutors)"

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"We keep finding better ways to celebrate mediocrity"---Mr. Incredible

Assume at least one edit for typos..my keyboard and I fight alot :)

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Shrek_Daddy
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Freshman:
For that matter, have any of you involved flatulence, piss, etc in sexual foreplay.


Well--not on purpose....and that's all I am saying.

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"We keep finding better ways to celebrate mediocrity"---Mr. Incredible

Assume at least one edit for typos..my keyboard and I fight alot :)

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by lunchlady:
Pardon me! Girls don't fart. Windows may rattle, small birds may fall dead from the sky and paint on the walls may peel, but girls don't fart. [Big Grin]

No, you're absolutely right. The appropriate terminology is "trouser clouds." Or as my dad liked to say, "floating an air biscuit"... but I don't know just WTF that's supposed to mean.

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Die Capacitrix
We Three Blings


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Reading all these euphenisms, I wondered if anyone else had my dad's favorite, "tree frogs". I found this which even includes PI's dad's "floating an air biscuit".

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"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces." Judith Viorst

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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Die Capacitrix:
Reading all these euphenisms, I wondered if anyone else had my dad's favorite, "tree frogs". I found this which even includes PI's dad's "floating an air biscuit".

Err...the Roadie household has been known to have occassional infestations of barking tree frogs. Are you telling me it's a euphemism? Nah.

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"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

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00-Saleen
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Neffti Neon:
quote:
Originally posted by lunchlady:

That being said, I...erm, I mean my friend has the habit of ripping off a ripe one in bed and putting the covers over DH's head.

What's your farty friend doing in bed with DH? Now that's REALLY something to worry about! (I know, I know!) [lol]
Ah, the infamous "Dutch Oven" maneuver!
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Freshman
We Three Blings


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I think burping is rather funny. Not in real life of course, but whenever that type of noise is used in a monty python animation or anything,I snicker like a monkey. Faltulence jokes on the other hand, can make me cringe. Unless Monty python does it or Ren and Stimpy are involved, of course. I think this type of amused reaction stems from me loving The Lion King at age 6. Also, someone sitting on a toliet can make me giggle, except if there's way too extreme sound effects. I like my bodily function humor very subtle, thanks very much!

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"High-Five!" - Borat

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Delia Darrow
I Saw Three Shipments


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Okay, since all you good people seem to be in an open and sharing mood (great thread, BTW), I have decided to put my trust in you and ask a question:

What is acceptable ettiquette for a woman with a sex partner who loses his erection?

I am 38 and my DH is 54. He's smoked for 40 years, he's a good 90lbs overweight, and has erectile dysfunction, not surprisingly.

Because of his size and mine, doggy-style is the method of choice for intercourse. A few years ago, our sex life started to go seriously downhill, most episodes closely resembling this format;

He gets oral, gets erection, gets behind me, gets in, starts going, and I can feel things getting

softer,

softer,

bendy-soft-,

shooting-pool-with-a-rope.

At which point he pulls out and starts whacking, and I am left with an uncomfortably long interval before I finally give up on the escapade and finish him orally.

I've tried talking dirty. I've tried levity, which I don't reccommend. You can f*ck'em if they can't take a joke, but don't joke'em if they can't give a f*ck.

The point may be moot, now, because the whole thing has grown out of proportion, and we haven't had sex in a long time. A VERY long time.

We tried Viagra, and that gives him a stiffy long enough to ejaculate, but he protested that it couldn't be satisfactory to me, and I then made a mistake. I told him I don't orgasm with a partner. Ever. I love sex, but if I want to orgasm, I need serious concentration, a lot of time, and fresh batteries.

My DH, like many men, it seems, view sex as strictly 'goal oriented'. He can't fathom doing it for any other reason. He's annoyed at me for faking orgasms. He actually argued that I must be having orgams, because I do the things women do when they peak. I replied that "of course, I do those things, that's why it's called faking *orgasms*, not faking karaoke!"

He also doesn't understand the reason women like me generally fake it; if a man is told that she doesn't orgasm with a partner, that man invariably treats it like a challenge to be overcome. I don't like to have sex with 'Sir Edmund Hillary'. It's tedious.

My sex life now consists of just me & BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend) and selected media.

I still want to know, tho, the answer to my question, because I have hope. What should the woman do/say to a proud man trying to rouse a sleeping member? At this point, I'll try anything.

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Cogito, ergo Dei non est.

Posts: 70 | From: Portland, Oregon | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
christmas tree kitapper
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Delia, he probably won't like it, but I would suggest saying "dear, please get yourself to a doctor."

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"I have never in my life been more disappointed by a politician I voted for than I have been with George Bush. He is a total liberal."- overheard by me on the shuttle to the U of A game on Nov. 11th.

Posts: 3878 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Freshman
We Three Blings


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Delia: I agree with Kitapsail Fish. Also, how about visiting a sex therapist?

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"High-Five!" - Borat

Posts: 1056 | From: Racine, WI | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
candycane from strangers
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Originally posted by Freshman:
Oh, and my dad farts in his sleep all the time at night, it's embarassing

For whom? [Confused]

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Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer."
A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!"
"Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND
God Re-Animate Green Pork Bush

Posts: 3986 | From: Illinois, jealous? | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Delia - Ideally you should go back in time and not fake orgasms with your husband. Or at least far enough back, so that you can not mention it to him.

Since I don't have a time machine, the thing I can suggest is inviting him to work with you a bit before penetration when he uses Viagra to make sure you get there. Then if necessary fake it. After he gets a little bit of confidence back, maybe you can invite BOB to the party.

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I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.

What is .02 worth?

Posts: 8745 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Freshman
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by candiru from strangers:
quote:
Originally posted by Freshman:
Oh, and my dad farts in his sleep all the time at night, it's embarassing

For whom? [Confused]
I can hear em, thus I feel embarrased for having to hear em

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"High-Five!" - Borat

Posts: 1056 | From: Racine, WI | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
StillandSilent
I Saw Three Shipments


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My dog is another panty lover. However, he prefers the panties of visitors. I so did not need to know my aunt wore thongs. He also loves bras. Nothing quite beats the day he managed to get stuck inside one of mine. He is a small dog and managed to jam his head into one of the cups, then hook the strap around his body. All we heard coming down the hall was *thump* whimper, *thump* whimper. Poor little freak.
Posts: 75 | From: Morganton NC | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
candycane from strangers
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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YOMANK for that visual, StillandSilent! [lol]

--------------------
Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer."
A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!"
"Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND
God Re-Animate Green Pork Bush

Posts: 3986 | From: Illinois, jealous? | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Freshman
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by Eddylizard:
I always thought that leaning to one side and lifting one cheek was an attempt to make the fart more obvious to observers, and make them appreciate it more. Employed by those who actually think that's funny. For maximum impact of course it should immediately be accompanied by a comment such as:

Better out than in.

That was a good one.

or

Church or chapel, let it rattle
Wherever you may be, let your wind blow free!

I know it's old, but I can't resist this:

Q: Why do farts smell?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them.

Do you do any of this, eddy? [Razz] [Wink]

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"High-Five!" - Borat

Posts: 1056 | From: Racine, WI | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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