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Author Topic: So un-glamorous (DEFINITE TMI FOR ACTIVE TOPICS)
Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Okay, as unbelievable as this may sound, I actually know guys who believe that women don't fart. As if we are biologically incapable or something. Another friend who didn't understand (but was willing to learn) what a pain in the ass having a period can be. So let's talk about some of these unglamorous things, men and women both!

--Not only do women get farts, but they can go in one of three directions: backwards, up our crack; straight out, if there's enough force; or forward. And if they go forward, let's just say that there's a lovely little orifice just waiting for a gas bubble to blurp its way into, and that is NOT pleasant.

--The joys of a period with a pad. Hmm... well, if you don't have the foresight to trim your pubes ahead of time, they can become a tangly, clotted, uncomfortable mess. Also, if you like to sit all slouchy or reclined, you can have a trickle of blood slowly creep its way up your crack via capillary action. And I don't even wanna talk about the potential of leaks.

--So use a tampon you say? But I have moral objections about putting something absorbent in an environment that's supposed to stay moist. Plus, it just plain oogs me out. The story from my friend about how she left one in too long once and it expanded to the point that she needed help getting it out did NOT do much to sway me.

--And something my dad told me... tho how it came up in conversation, don't ask because I don't remember... that if a guy doesn't clean up after sex (either with or without a partner), things can crust over so that next time he has to go take a whiz, pee flies around in about 3 different directions.

---------------------------------------------

That's all the examples I have for now, but jump in. Come on, we don't always like to talk about it, but we ALL know these things happen. So share!

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Purple Iguana:
--And something my dad told me... tho how it came up in conversation, don't ask because I don't remember... that if a guy doesn't clean up after sex (either with or without a partner), things can crust over so that next time he has to go take a whiz, pee flies around in about 3 different directions.

The visual on that is killing me. This happens to my conditioner pump bottle when I come home after being out of town. [lol]

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"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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quote:
Originally posted by Purple Iguana:
--And something my dad told me... tho how it came up in conversation, don't ask because I don't remember... that if a guy doesn't clean up after sex (either with or without a partner), things can crust over so that next time he has to go take a whiz, pee flies around in about 3 different directions.

I've not had that happen (probably because I clean up so I don't "crust", but the first urine stream after an ejaculation does tend to be less cohesive.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Grand Illusion
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by Purple Iguana:
--And something my dad told me... tho how it came up in conversation, don't ask because I don't remember... that if a guy doesn't clean up after sex (either with or without a partner), things can crust over so that next time he has to go take a whiz, pee flies around in about 3 different directions.

Yes, on rare occasions that does happen. I'm not quite sure what causes it, if it's semen or what, because it's never happened to me right after sex. Sometimes the urethra can get pinched (sealed) together in one spot near the opening, and it causes pee to fly in various directions, and it takes a second or two for it to get unsealed.

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There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who do not.

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" - The Brain

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Mad Jay
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Purple Iguana:


--Not only do women get farts, but they can go in one of three directions: backwards, up our crack; straight out, if there's enough force; or forward. And if they go forward, let's just say that there's a lovely little orifice just waiting for a gas bubble to blurp its way into, and that is NOT pleasant.

Actually, this is something I have been curious about:- Do the contours of a woman's behind affect the noise of a fart? Since women usually have a wee bit more padding back there, do ...umm.. things let's say flap around?
quote:

--And something my dad told me... tho how it came up in conversation, don't ask because I don't remember... that if a guy doesn't clean up after sex (either with or without a partner), things can crust over so that next time he has to go take a whiz, pee flies around in about 3 different directions.

IMO, I feel this is where an intact foreskin comes in handy. I pull the foreskin over the head, pinch the tip forming a little pocket and pee into the pocket for a few seconds before releasing it. That few seconds is more than enough to dissolve the crust. Of course, I clean up well afterwards

Peeing when I am semi-hard is a pain though. The pee goes in some random direction, so usually I sit down when I'm semi-erect. Peeing when fully erect is close to impossible.

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Nico Sasha
In between my father's fields;And the citadels of the rule; Lies a no-man's land which I must cross; To find my stolen jewel.

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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The sprinkler effect happens to me as well, the few times I have had a full bikini wax. (Not during the wax itself! - during the bald week afterwards). Which is yet another good reason not to bother.

May I also add to this list the first time I used a breast pump? What a way to find out that nipples don't have just one hole, but in fact have a cluster a little like a watering can. My midwife did very well not to laugh when I asked her about it...

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Mad Jay, being as how the only experience I have is with my own bottom, I can't give you a definitive answer, although I have been known to make noiseless farts at night my spreading the old cheeks. So I would have to guess that skinny women or women in really good shape so that their backsides carry less cushioning would be in a better position to have quieter (or maybe squeakier) farts. My own, however, have been known to have the mini-applause sound of an elephant stepping on bubble wrap. [Smile]

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Neffti Neon:
May I also add to this list the first time I used a breast pump? What a way to find out that nipples don't have just one hole, but in fact have a cluster a little like a watering can. My midwife did very well not to laugh when I asked her about it...

Yes, that is VERY weird the first time you see it. [Smile] Also happens when you manually express. I personally couldn't stand breast pumps because of the vacuum suction of my nipple down that horn-shaped thing which left me looking like I had a Hershey's Kiss surgically implanted under my nipple until the swelling finally went down 30-40 minutes later... but then maybe I had a bad pump design-wise.

Another funny breastfeeding thing is if you have an overactive letdown. Both of my boys have been known to suckle away no problem before making a gurgling sound and unlatching to cough a little. Meanwhile, 1 or 2 tiny little jets of milk go flying, often sprinkling across their little faces. One time, the sun was hitting it just right and I thought I had a hair stuck to my breast. Funny when I tried to grab it to get it off. [Wink]

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Mad Jay
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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The thing with spreading-the-cheeks-around-trick is that if it's a volumnious fart and you try to force it out, it ends up being louder than with the cheeks closed. You really have to be able to judge the volume of the fart before you decide on a strategy

Small farts - cheeks apart, let it rip, perhaps create a distraction to hide the sound
Huge farts - Controlled release with cheeks tucked in to muffle the noise

Besides that, does someone else use the "I'm just walking with my legs apart, nothing unusual about that" trick?

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Nico Sasha
In between my father's fields;And the citadels of the rule; Lies a no-man's land which I must cross; To find my stolen jewel.

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unklesamta
Deck the Malls


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Purple Iguana, my son used to do this to my wife all the time. The absolute funniest thing was him trying to latch back on but being very confused as to why there was a founting flowing in his face, which only made my wife laugh, thereby making tit (typo I just had to leave) harder to latch on.

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The less you know, the more you believe. -Bono

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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[lol] I usually try to cover it up with a wild attack of coughing. The cheek spread has to be done when the fart is RIGHT THERE, not still working its way around. Works best for me when I'm lying down. As for those daytime farts... well... it's just me and the kids, and they don't see anything wrong with it. [Wink]

(And they have yet to lose consciousness from the funk!)

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Jay Temple
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Mad Jay:
quote:

--And something my dad told me... tho how it came up in conversation, don't ask because I don't remember... that if a guy doesn't clean up after sex (either with or without a partner), things can crust over so that next time he has to go take a whiz, pee flies around in about 3 different directions.

IMO, I feel this is where an intact foreskin comes in handy. I pull the foreskin over the head, pinch the tip forming a little pocket and pee into the pocket for a few seconds before releasing it. That few seconds is more than enough to dissolve the crust. Of course, I clean up well afterwards

Peeing when I am semi-hard is a pain though. The pee goes in some random direction, so usually I sit down when I'm semi-erect. Peeing when fully erect is close to impossible.

If I get really erect and go too soon afterward, the foreskin is still retracted. When that happens, I have to either sit down (horrors) or manually control the flow. Otherwise, I can go hands-free.

BTW, TMI: If the foreskin is still retracted, it usually follows really exciting sex.

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"Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy

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ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Purple Iguana:
Mad Jay, being as how the only experience I have is with my own bottom, I can't give you a definitive answer, although I have been known to make noiseless farts at night my spreading the old cheeks. So I would have to guess that skinny women or women in really good shape so that their backsides carry less cushioning would be in a better position to have quieter (or maybe squeakier) farts. My own, however, have been known to have the mini-applause sound of an elephant stepping on bubble wrap. [Smile]

I have to say this is incorrect. I have a very well padded rear and I am the queen of noiseless farts. The sound of a fart is caused by the tension in the sphincter, not the air flapping one's exterior cushioning. By carefully relaxing the sphincter when you know you need to fart, you can do so silently. My boyfriend and I fart in front of each other all the time and the noises are as varied as human speech and not dependent on body shape or gender.

Perhaps I know too much about this subject.

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Officially Heartless

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pirateslife
Deck the Malls


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You can get great sound effects by farting when you're naked and sitting on a wood chair.

Purple Iguana- There's an alternative to tampons and pads; it's called Instead. It's a cup that you have to insert into your vagina and position so that it stays there. You can leave it in for twice as long as tampon. The only trouble is that it is gross, since you have to insert and remove it with your fingers, and if you take a dump while the instead is in, the muscle movements can make it want to fall out. It takes some getting used to.

What I recently explained to DH about periods is cramps. He was thinking in terms of a leg cramp or something. I explained to him that menstrual cramps feel just like really bad diarrhea, that aching/burning you get in your lower gut, only it feels more towards your back than towards your stomach. He was much more sympathetic after he realized that's what menstrual cramps feel like.

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If the world were logical, men would ride sidesaddle. -Mama

I won't ask "Am I weird?" because that ship sailed long ago. -Kahuna Burger

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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ThistleS, that's why I said it was a guess. [Wink] I guess now I'll have to experiment!

pirateslife... yeah, I think I'll skip the cup... mostly for the reasons you already mentioned. Ishy! And yeah, that's spot on about cramps... at least the mild ones. I'm currently breastfeeding and not getting a period, although a few weeks ago, I thought I felt those light cramps you get right before your period. And then there was intestinal badness that followed. So yeah, very similar sensation. However, I've actually had cramps so bad, it made me throw up. It didn't happen that often, and doesn't happen anymore, but it's happened before. Menstrual cramps are like very very mini contractions... like labor/childbirth contractions, only to a MUCH smaller degree. And very different that a Charlie horse.

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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DawnStorm
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I usually blame everything on the dogs. [Big Grin]

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Leashes?! We don't need no stinking leashes!!

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annabohly
Jingle Bell Hock


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This has got to be the weirdest thread ever!!!!!

But it is funny.

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And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!!

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glisp42
I'm Dreaming Of A White iPod


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What I hate are the "attack farters." Those are the people that walk up to you ostensibly to talk to you and then let one rip and then walk away.

What I really really hate is when you're all alone and you figure it's safe to let one rip and 2 seconds later someone walks in.

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What does "Bookachow", "YOMANK" and other lingo mean?

And we'll collect the moments one by one I guess that's how the future's done. -Feist

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landmammal
Deck the Malls


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quote:
I usually blame everything on the dogs.
Me too. Even when she's not in the room- "Zelda, that's disgusting! That was so loud I could hear it all the way down the hall!"

ETA: quote

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I can't put my arms down!

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Mad Jay
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by glisp42:
What I hate are the "attack farters." Those are the people that walk up to you ostensibly to talk to you and then let one rip and then walk away.

What I really really hate is when you're all alone and you figure it's safe to let one rip and 2 seconds later someone walks in.

What I hate is that when you do a walking fart, and then you turn right around because you remembered something and you forgot that you just farted, and you walk into your own little fart cloud

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Nico Sasha
In between my father's fields;And the citadels of the rule; Lies a no-man's land which I must cross; To find my stolen jewel.

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Mr. Furious
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Mad Jay:
What I hate is that when you do a walking fart, and then you turn right around because you remembered something and you forgot that you just farted, and you walk into your own little fart cloud

See, I'm a courteous farter. I do everything I can to keep my wife out of it, and will wait until she's leaving the area. But every single frickin' time, I'll let one go and she'll suddenly feel the need to reverse field and come over to exactly where I'm standing.

OK, basketball story. When I was in high school, we used to play in a barn that the owner had put a nice basketball court in. He let us play whenever we wanted, as long as we called ahead of time and asked.

Anyway, we're playing one night, and my friend Mike grabs a tough rebound, and everybody heads upcourt. He starts to bring the ball upcourt, then stops, grimaces, throws the ball out of bounds and leaves the court. We were all like "WTF?"

So we go over there, thinking he hurt himself or something. He finally catches his breath, and looks at us with this kind of dazed look on his face, not unlike somebody who's been shaken up (but not hurt seriously) in a car accident.

We asked him what happened, and he carefully explained. "Well, I got the rebound, but then when I turned around, it was like there was this big green hand... throwing shit in my face."

We had to delay the resumption of the game for about 15 minutes because we were all laughing so hard. By the way, my friend Jason was the culprit.

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"He's not gonna let me in, I'm Mr. Dirty Mouth!"
- Jeffrey Coho (Craig Bierko), Boston Legal

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pob14
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by Mad Jay:
IMO, I feel this is where an intact foreskin comes in handy. I pull the foreskin over the head, pinch the tip forming a little pocket and pee into the pocket for a few seconds before releasing it. That few seconds is more than enough to dissolve the crust.

I'm glad this makes you happy, but if I weren't already circumcized, I would go out tomorrow and get cut just so I wouldn't ever have to think about this again. [lol]
quote:
Originally posted by ThistleSmelt:
I have a very well padded rear and I am the queen of noiseless farts.

You really, really need to make this your sig.
Plus, ThistleSmelt is the perfect board name to go with it. [lol]

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Patrick

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ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by pob14:

quote:
Originally posted by ThistleSmelt:
I have a very well padded rear and I am the queen of noiseless farts.

You really, really need to make this your sig.
Plus, ThistleSmelt is the perfect board name to go with it. [lol]

You totally OMANK. [lol]

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Officially Heartless

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black roses 19
Xboxing Day


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quote:
What I recently explained to DH about periods is cramps. He was thinking in terms of a leg cramp or something. I explained to him that menstrual cramps feel just like really bad diarrhea, that aching/burning you get in your lower gut, only it feels more towards your back than towards your stomach. He was much more sympathetic after he realized that's what menstrual cramps feel like.
See, I always picture them like this:

Someone (with long fingernails) is reaching through the area that you get cramps in (above the groin, below the intestines) and TWISTING. HARD. That's the exact sensation I feel. Grab, squeeze, twist. Repeat. A lot.

However, I have endometriosis, so I may not be a good judge.

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"I find them to be in contradiction of the basic principles of YOUR MOM!!!" -We've Got Mail

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Zorro
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I explained cramps to hubby by telling him that it feels like someone is wringing out your insides, much like a wet dishrag or something.

I haven't seen any burp posts. My neighbor, when I was growing up, could belch out the "1812 Overture", complete with cannon blasts.

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"Seize the day! Make your lives extraordinary!"
-John Keating, "Dead Poets Society"

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Neffti Noel
We Three Blings


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How about post-surgery farts? Once in hospital after abdominal surgery I remember suddenly getting a feeling as though I was about to have a hernia, puke and pass out all at the same time.

Suddenly this thunderous rumbling came from my bottom, sails flapping angrily in the blast. It tailed off at the end and the pitch rose sharply as though my bottom was asking a question it urgently needed an answer to.

Did I mention that I was on a ward of 30 women with just a thin curtain between each bed? I felt much better afterwards though, and I like to think I paved the way for other ladies suffering nearby.

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Midgard_Dragon
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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I will confirm the post-ejaculation pee session as being quite messy. It really sucks if you fall asleep immediately afterwards then go to urinate in the morning after, not thinking about last night's sex, then find out the hard way by covering the shower curtain and toilet seat. Yeah, that's fun to clean up. :/

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Midgard Dragon
-==UDIC==-
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DesertRat
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Try peeing with morning wood. It's an exercise in ballistics and spatial geometry every time.

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High on the wind, the Highland drums begin to roll, and something from the past just comes and stares into my soul... --Mark Knopfler

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NorthernLite
We Three Blings


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I agree that the post-coital piddle can be messy. I normally sit to go so it's not much trouble. Except for when we had a quicky before going out to supper. I hope the restaurant owners' appreciated me cleaning their washroom.

As to farting I am generally polite about that so as to not offend the noses of others

EXCEPT

for the time my boys were up to visit. One snowy, cold evening as we were leaving the apartment I came all over with a case of rumbly belly. Sensing a bout of flatulence sneaking up on me, I yelled, "Everyone, quick, get in the car." My sons, ten and thirteen, dashed off to our car and hopped in. I jumped into the driver's seat and locked the doors. Then ripped off a nice ripe tooter. I smiled at the boys and said, "Wow, I would have hated to waste that one". Ten years later and my sons still talk about it and no doubt, in the evil little part of their minds that they inherited from me, they are laying plans to use it on their children.

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You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. -Blazing Saddles

Posts: 1074 | From: High Level, Alberta, Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I don't have a penis or a prostate, but I thought trying urinate with an erection was Not Good for the prostate because it forces the gate that only allows either urination or ejaculation into a open on both sides position.

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I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.

What is .02 worth?

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Midgard_Dragon
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Not sure if it's not good for the prostate, but it is definitely difficult.

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Midgard Dragon
-==UDIC==-
MidgardDragon's MySpace

Posts: 2455 | From: Tennessee | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
NorthernLite
We Three Blings


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And uncomfortable. There's nothing like trying to sit on the toilet with your forehead resting on the bathroom floor.

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You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. -Blazing Saddles

Posts: 1074 | From: High Level, Alberta, Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
DawnStorm
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Mad Jay:
[/qb]

What I hate is that when you do a walking fart, and then you turn right around because you remembered something and you forgot that you just farted, and you walk into your own little fart cloud [/QB][/QUOTE]


Try walking into a dog fart--you could get a quick face peel if you're not careful! [Razz]

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Leashes?! We don't need no stinking leashes!!

Posts: 4771 | From: The Berkeley of the East Coast: Montgomery County MD | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
nurple
We Three Blings


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DH and I sleep in the nude and we tend to spoon with me in front. One night I was woken up by DH giggling. When I asked what what going on, he told me that I had farted while asleep and the wind felt funny on his penis.

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"You better respect the Rap or the Rap won't respect you." Ledatru

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truck1
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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All of you Omank. I have never laughed so hard a thread. Special credit to Mr Furious, Nifti Neon,and Northern Lite

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Rush doesn’t understand that MJ Fox’s meds aren’t supposed to make him into a fat blowhard with partial mental incapacity. In other words, Fox’s meds are different from Rush’s. Hogweed on Thing Progress

Posts: 10 | From: Toronto, Ontario | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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