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Author Topic: Is what I'm feeling normal?
Wild.Otaku
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I never thought I would ever post a question like this, but I have learned in my couple of years here that my fellow snopesters are the best people to ask. I know I'll get an honest answer.

Some time back, SO posted an ad on Lavalife -where we met- for someone to join us in expanding our sexual horizons. We didn't get any hits, and we pretty much forgot about it.

He forwarded me an e-mail yesterday from a woman who came across it and gave us a smile. He responded, letting her know what we liked, etc. And she responded. She's 10 years younger than us and is pretty open to whatever we might like to do.

But now, I'm having second thoughts about the whole deal. I thought this was what I wanted, a threesome, but now I want to tell SO to take the ad off and tell her that I've changed my mind.

I keep feeling that he's going to like her better than me, that I'll end up being dumped for this girl, etc. Hell, I ended up crying myself to sleep last night over it.

Is this normal?

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Tom, we're flying a giant robot into space! "Safe" isn't the first word that springs to mind! - Colleen, Last Hope, Vol.2

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Tzarina
Xboxing Day


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It's normal. That's the way many people feel when actually going through with a threesome. If you truly don't want to do it, explain to your SO. Ask him how he would feel if it were a younger man joining you. Perhaps he'd have the same fears.

I'm sure your SO will be somewhat dissappointed. He'll get over it. Maybe it's the age difference. Maybe you could post a new ad with a smaller age range. Or forget the whole thing. What ever you decide, you need to speak to you SO and tell him your fears. You shouldn't go through with something that makes you this uncomfortable.

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Giselle
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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There is nothing wrong with changing your mind! You don't really need to explain in detail about why, its a couples decision and even if just one of them changes their mind I think it should be over with.

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Ralphie, get off the stage sweetheart.

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Fantine
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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I would have similar reservations about adding a third person to my relationship with my husband (so much so that I would never have agreed to the ad in the first place). I would be less worried about him "liking her better" than me that I would be about it completely changing (ruining) the intimacy between us.

If you have changed your mind, you need to tell him so. Tell him it was fun to fantasize about, but that when it comes down to the stark reality of the idea, you have become very uncomfortable with it and you don't want to do it. He may be disappointed, but hopefully will get over it--and if he doesn't, then maybe the relationship needs to end anyway.

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"I was raised to be charming, not sincere."
--Cinderella's Prince, Into the Woods, by Stephen Sondheim

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remigo
Deck the Malls


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Wild Otaku, you're probably not normal - but who is!? Normal is boring. Healthy, sane, all that stuff - yes!

As Tzarina said, that's what many people feel when going through with it. Threesomes make fantastic fantasy, IRL, they're kinda scary. I've twice been in situations where FFM was on the cards, and the first time, the boy ran a mile, the second time, I ran two! But I still love the idea.

You've really got to talk to your SO about this - how important is it to him that he has a threesome? You mention "I thought this was what I wanted" but he put the ad up. Who is driving this idea of a threesome, and how much do they want it? Just as you liked the idea, but are shying away from reality, perhaps he's getting nervous now too?

When you have the answers to these questions, then you can start with the 600 other questions raised! Maybe most importantly, your self-esteem? I'm worried that you worry that your SO would prefer a younger woman?

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If you don't cry it isn't love
If you don't cry then you just don't feel it deep enough

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dfresh
Deck the Malls


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You sound pretty normal. I would not go for a threesome for that reason, and for the whole insecurity in general thing. And, from what I have seen in the various advice columns, it is pretty common to get to the point you are and to make the same decision.
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erinker74
Deck the Malls


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I have never been in your situation, but I would imagine that, in order for it to be successful (and by "successful" I mean "not destroy your relationship") both parties need to be TOTALLY secure in their relationship. And it doesn't sound like you are.

I echo the other snopesters on here - you have every right to change your mind. And you have an obligation to yourself and your relationship to voice these concerns to your SO and to hold off on the execution of this threesome until you are certain you are both comfortable with it.

If you are crying yourself to sleep just thinking of it, imagine what you will be like after it has already happened.

Personally, I think some things are better off left as fanatsies. Otherwise, what will I have to fantasize about? [Wink]

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"I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair,
you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake." -Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

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Ana Ng
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Otaku, if you want to PM me, I had an issue like that when I was married- never had a threesome, but I can talk to you about it if you want...

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My great grandfather planted that tree!

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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quote:
Ask him how he would feel if it were a younger man joining you. Perhaps he'd have the same fears.

I have to second that. I fantisize about threesomes from times to time, but they always include another woman (well, I'm straight as an arrow, so another guy wouldn't do much for me). But of course, I realize that a lot of girlfriends I had at various times might have felt that another girl wouldn't have done anything for THEM...and also that if another guy got involved, there's always the chance that he'd be better at sex, hotter, more charming, whatever. So it's always stayed in the realm of my imagination.

Do not do something you are uncomfortable with sexually just to please someone else.

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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BeachLife
The Bills of St. Mary's


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I think you feelings are perfectly normal. I also think you would be wise to think twice before proceeding. From my understandings, these experiences often damage relationships more than they help. If you aren't 100% certain it's what you want to do, don't do it.

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Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Jack Dragon, On Being a Dragon
Confessions of a Dragon's scribe
Diary of my Heart Surgery

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I'mNotDedalus
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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The one I, uh, took part in was extremely awkward and, by consequence, I ended it abruptly. Two close friends of mine are a lesbian couple: Shortly after my ex left, the three of us were drinking hard and commiserating in the gloomy night. One thing led to another, as things do, and so suddenly the three of us were kissing 'n licking 'n stripping.

When the act was just about to begin, though, my thoughts were racing with fears: Would this come between the two? Would this come between us? The gamble plagued me with a sober self-consciousness and I backed away, saying "I can't do this." And I left. We didn't talk for about a month after the fact and still have never brought the subject up.

Wild.Otaku: I would suggest that if your relationship is significant, you probably shouldn't gamble on a doubt that the doubt, in fact, might be assuaged. You cried yourself to sleep, darlin'. It doesn't sound like this would end with a stronger intimate link between you and he. And when you raise these issues with him (which, I think, everyone is suggesting), and should he still move in persistence...well, then I don't think he knows what he has. You have full veto powers in this circumstance that, in the end, don't really require explanation or justification.

Hope this and my anecdote helps. Feel better!

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The salty fragrance of LíEau IímNotDedalus - made entirely of and entirely for sea turtles.

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The Vanilla Gorilla
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Friends of mine actually are polyamrous(sp?). But the difference here is that this is a lifestyle and not just something "Wild" to do. Sometimes they would have threesomes(where the 3rd person was either a man or woman), sometimes they would be alone with them personally. But the big thing they told me is that both of them had to approve of their partner. And basically they had to become friends first. But from talking with them, some of their partners(and really they haven't had that many) entered into this situation to do something "Wild" and afterwards left because they no longer felt comfortable. And from what I gather most people who have had threesomes to just fullfill a fantasy usually feel awkward afterwards and end up losing contact with the 3rd person.
But in either case you need to make sure you don't do something that you would feel uncomfortable with.
Just my .02

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Wild.Otaku
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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The ad wasn't for him, but for me. He knows that the ex mentioned several times he'd bring a female friend home for me, but never materialized anything.

So when I mentioned this to him, he told me he'd do it. At that time, I was for it. Then, we forgot until we got a response.

As for our love live, I'm not disappointed in our love life. It's good, in some ways better now that we've both been losing weight.

Thanks for the responses so far. He does know I'm having serious reservations about this. I already told him that we need to talk, so he thinks he's in trouble. I'm going to let him worry about what kind of trouble until I get home. I'm evil like that.

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Tom, we're flying a giant robot into space! "Safe" isn't the first word that springs to mind! - Colleen, Last Hope, Vol.2

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Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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It could just be normal nervousness, like one would have in any new relationship, but amplified because of the unfamiliar situation. Remember, ten years younger does not count much compared to what you have built together in you relationship.

Still, it's a big step, so there might be reason to hesitate.

My advice would be to wait a bit and sort out your feelings about it. Once you are sure of what you want, either way, make your decision.

And if you go through with it, we want the juicy stories... [Smile]

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/Troberg

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Artemis
The First USA Noel


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I've had some experience with threesomes myself. The first time was with a boyfriend and a female friend of mine. I thought it would be cool to try something new and exciting, but almost right after it was over, I felt really hollow and empty and completely shattered inside. I eventually got over it--it didn't really affect how I felt about my SO (we did break up about 5-6 months later, but that had more to do with him graduating and moving away), but it did make things a bit awkward between me and my friend. My friend and I did drift apart, which would have happened anyway, I feel. All in all, it's not something I would repeat if I could go back in time.

I'll reiterate what Anna Ng said--if you want to talk privately, email or PM me.

I also messed around with a (male/female) couple that I know. Which was a lot less weird since I wasn't emotionally involved (just friends) with them.

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"You can't play Electro-magnetic Golf according to the rules of Centrifugal Bumble Puppy."
-Mustapha Mond, "Brave New World"

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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quote:
Originally posted by Wild.Otaku:
I already told him that we need to talk, so he thinks he's in trouble. I'm going to let him worry about what kind of trouble until I get home. I'm evil like that.

I hope you are joking about this part.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Enjal
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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First of all, what's normal? After being a member here and participating in some of the sex and/or relationship threads I've learned that there is no such thing. The point is, you're not comfortable with the idea anymore and that's all he needs to know.

I've had some experience with threesomes - MMF and FFM. Personally, I prefer the MMF because I don't worry too much about whether or not they're having fun. Men are visual and although they may prefer to participate, watching is pretty cool too. However, FFM makes things more complicated in my mind. In one situation I was in, I did feel insecure and worried about SO picking her over me but he assured me afterwards that that would NEVER happen - and it didn't. I didn't allow them to have intercourse anyway, just oral and touching but this friend was more open to sexual things than I am and I wondered if that would make him stray. I think I'm just too possesive to be able to enjoy sharing him

SO has brought up the possibility of having a lesbian friend of his come join us but I'm not sure... Who knows, maybe if I meet her, get to know her and get a little drunk, it'll happen. [Wink]

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"I'm a leaf in the wind"
New Lungs for George

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Wild.Otaku
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
quote:
Originally posted by Wild.Otaku:
I already told him that we need to talk, so he thinks he's in trouble. I'm going to let him worry about what kind of trouble until I get home. I'm evil like that.

I hope you are joking about this part.
I just committed myself to 30 years of debt together with him. Do you seriously think I'm going to walk out on him over this?

Besides, the cat would be heartbroken. I have to think of the cat.

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Tom, we're flying a giant robot into space! "Safe" isn't the first word that springs to mind! - Colleen, Last Hope, Vol.2

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ComicBookGeek
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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My fiance knows a threesome was one of my fantasies and she's is insistant that I try it. So insistant, in fact, than when I say I do'nt want to because I don't know how she will react afterwards, she gets upset with me, saying I'm denying myself something I want to try.

She has repeatedly told me I can be with another woman as long as she gets to either be a part of it or at least watch.

I dont know if I should believe her.

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My Blog

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Ryda Wong, EBfCo.
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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One of the reasons I've agreed to marry my SO is because he is willing to keep an open mind about open relationships. However, I'd never do a threesome again (this was years ago). It was way pornified in a bad, mainstream way. Open relationships are another manner. I'd even consider adding another male spouse to the household, if we found one we loved.

here's the thing. It's YOUR sexuality. If you are uncomfortable, it's either not the thing for you, or not the time for you. Don't push yourself, and don't let him push you. So much of our sexual dysfunction seems to come with pushing in regards to sex and sexuality....

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So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus:

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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quote:
Originally posted by Wild.Otaku:
quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
quote:
Originally posted by Wild.Otaku:
I already told him that we need to talk, so he thinks he's in trouble. I'm going to let him worry about what kind of trouble until I get home. I'm evil like that.

I hope you are joking about this part.
I just committed myself to 30 years of debt together with him. Do you seriously think I'm going to walk out on him over this?
I meant about the part where you know he is worried about something and you let him worry rather than let him know it is nothing to worry about.

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Orac
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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quote:
Originally posted by ComicBookGeek:
My fiance knows a threesome was one of my fantasies and she's is insistant that I try it. So insistant, in fact, than when I say I do'nt want to because I don't know how she will react afterwards, she gets upset with me, saying I'm denying myself something I want to try.

She has repeatedly told me I can be with another woman as long as she gets to either be a part of it or at least watch.

I dont know if I should believe her.

My ex-wife was like that. Then again, she also thought that sex once every 4-6 months was perfectly normal. Don't trust a woman who's telling you to get it elsewhere. Either she is doing the same and wants you to do it as well so she won't feel guilty OR she really doesn't want to be with you. <-- Not a generalization. just my experience. [Frown]


oh, and I've backed out of a MMF before. At first it was pretty interesting, but then it seemed that the guy in the couple was a bit more interested in me than the woman. . . . if she even knew about me. . . .

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Dear Babby
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Wild.Otaku:
He forwarded me an e-mail yesterday from a woman who came across it and gave us a smile. He responded, letting her know what we liked, etc. And she responded. She's 10 years younger than us and is pretty open to whatever we might like to do.

I was wondering if you agreed to him responding to her in the first place. I would hope that he would have talked it over with you to see if you were still interested before proceding as far as he did. If not, that would be what would make me upset. If you did agree, of course you can still change your mind.
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remigo
Deck the Malls


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Please update us Wild Otaku - have you had the chat with your SO? How did it go?

quote:
Originally posted by Wild.Otaku:
The ad wasn't for him, but for me.

If you were driving the idea, and he thought he was doing it to make you happy, then surely it shouldn't be an issue if you change your mind?

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If you don't cry it isn't love
If you don't cry then you just don't feel it deep enough

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KDS
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Greetings,

There are, of course, other less-sinister possibilities:

quote:

My ex-wife was like that. Then again, she also thought that sex once every 4-6 months was perfectly normal. Don't trust a woman who's telling you to get it elsewhere. Either she is doing the same and wants you to do it as well so she won't feel guilty OR she really doesn't want to be with you.

Leaving aside all other issues in your previous marriage (if there were others), could this have been here ill-explained way of trying to even out vastly different sex drives? Due to medications I was taking I used to have virtually no sex drive. A few times a year did the trick for me: I was honestly, truly, physically and mentally content with it. My then-partner, however, was more of the few times a month variety and such a distinct contrast caused more than itís share of issues between us.

I wanted very much to be with him, and certainly wasnít getting any on the side (I didnít want it!), but suggested in total seriousness that he should look into finding another girlfriend on the side. I was fine with either of the extremes but no middle ground: either I had to like her as well, and the three of us would have to be friends and comfortable with it all around... or she had to mean nothing at all to him, and be only NFBSK-buddies. In the end neither option suited him, and we parted ways a few months later over differing views on starting a family. I wish him the best wherever he is.

My medications have been adjusted and my sex drive is far closer to normal than it used to be (woohoo!), so itís not really an issue with my SO. If things changed on either side, however, I think I would make the offer again, but limit it only to someone we both liked.

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I dunno, I like the same qualities in a man as I want in a dog. Big, happy, friendly, and hairy. Not too much slobber either. ~Sue Bee

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Esprise Me
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by Orac:
Don't trust a woman who's telling you to get it elsewhere. Either she is doing the same and wants you to do it as well so she won't feel guilty OR she really doesn't want to be with you. <-- Not a generalization. just my experience. [Frown]

The way you've phrased it, it IS a generalization. If your ex cheated on you and/or didn't want to be with you, there's no reason you can't just say so without making it a rule for all women who make the same offer.
As KDS's post illustrates, there are other reasons a woman (or a man, for that matter) might not be interested in having sex more than a few times a year. A considerate person would want his or her partner's needs to be met, and extending such an offer is one way for undersexed people to make that happen without forcing themselves to endure intimate relations they aren't enthusiastic about having.
In my experience, people who are cheating on their partners tend to cope with their guilt by accusing their partners of cheating, not by giving their partners permission to cheat. People who are no longer interested in their partners tend to break up with them or cheat on them, not officially open up the relationship. YMMV and all that.

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"If God wrote it, the grammar must be infallible. Perhaps it is we who are mistaken." -MapleLeaf

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Esprise Me
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Oh, and regarding the OP--I may be too late, but I had to chime in:
If you were the one who wanted to bring another woman into the relationship, I take it you are at least bi-curious. There's no reason your boyfriend has to do anything with her. If you don't want to have the threesome at all, that's your prerogative, but if you still want to explore intimacy with another woman, with your boyfriend only observing, you can set those as the terms of the threesome. As others have pointed out, men are very visual creatures, and your boyfriend would probably enjoy the sight of you doing anything remotely sexual with another woman, even if he only got to watch.

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"If God wrote it, the grammar must be infallible. Perhaps it is we who are mistaken." -MapleLeaf

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