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Author Topic: 40 tips men should know
JetEd73
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by robbiev427:
quote:
Originally posted by Squishy0405:

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour...

I don't understand the point. Paying by the hour is the only way I get sex. [Frown]


quote:

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

I'm more of the "If you don't want to have to throw it away, quit insisting I wear the damn things" kind of guy.


quote:

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

Where is that, again?

quote:

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

Most people pass out after 30 minutes of no oxygen. Get over it. We're going to take breaks from time to time.

quote:

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

If you don't like the way I undress you, then just show up naked. Saves us both a lot of time.


quote:

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

I don't bother getting undressed. As far as I'm concerned, it's too much trouble considering you're going to leaving in 3 minutes anyway.


quote:

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

Don't like the way I do it? Then get on top and you drive for a while. We don't mind that.

quote:

20) CUMING TOO SOON.
...make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

It's called a back massager...I even bought batteries. Knock yourself out...I'll be taking a nap. BTW...can you kind of hold it down a little? I've had a tough day and it's hard to sleep when you're making those noises.

quote:

21) NOT CUMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

Didn't know that ever happened.

quote:

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

Hey, I'm a guy. If I don't ask, I won't know.

quote:

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

Where is that, again?


quote:

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.

But all men like it.

quote:

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

I guess screaming, "Oh god!" wasn't enough of a clue.

quote:

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

When I scream "Oh god!" don't just stand there, move out of the way. That solves the problem.


quote:

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies."

That is what we mean. Hey, it's not my fault if you forget and let me keep the pictures.


quote:

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE CUMS.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

See #20. But again, could you hold it down a little?

quote:

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

Hey, I'm fat. You should have seen that coming before you let me get on top of you.

quote:

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

I never say thanks. I always say, "Here's your 50 bucks. Now get out."

OMG, thats hilarious [lol] [lol] [lol] [lol]

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America=Land of the perpetually offended!

Posts: 223 | From: Cleveland, TN | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by JetEd73:
OMG, thats hilarious [lol] [lol] [lol] [lol]

Yay! At least one other person gets my humor!

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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The Goof
Deck the Malls


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Well, I thought that was great also robbiev. It had me laughing. I just didn't bother posting that until now.

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"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid,than to open it and remove all doubt."- Mark Twain

Posts: 426 | From: Tucson, AZ (The Old Pueblo) | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.[/QB]

On a somewhat serious note, I have had several women that say they don't like it when I guy says "I'm gonna' come" or whatever.

What's a poor guy to do?

I still contend that the body convulsions and the "oh God!" should be fair enough warning.

--------------------
Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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candycane from strangers
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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But not all guys convulse and say "oh God" before they come.

My personal suggestion is that there should be some sort of nonverbal signal agreed upon beforehand (though I guess that wouldn't work in every situation), which would be helpful for those ladies (or gentlemen) who don't like hearing "I'm coming" but also don't want the guy to ejaculate in their mouths. Something like "When you get close, squeeze my shoulder (or leg if you're 69ing)"

--------------------
Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer."
A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!"
"Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND
God Re-Animate Green Pork Bush

Posts: 3986 | From: Illinois, jealous? | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Brillo Bee
Wii Three Kings


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I agree with Candy from Strangers. Easy thing to do is ask her beforehand whether she wants a warning, and how to deliver it. I'm not laying it all on the guys, though... I also think that women who want a warning should be proactive enough to request one, and to tell the guy how she wants it delivered. No need to make a big production, the guy can just say, "Do you want a warning? I can squeeze your shoulder." No big deal at all-- I've had several... well, never mind.

Again, I feel the same about this issue (the complainers, not you Robbie) as I do about the OP. It's not fair of women (or men) to expect their partners to read minds and predict what they are going to like or dislike. So I wouldn't worry about it. If you say, "I'm gonna come," and she is really bothered or turned off by that for some reason, she ought to suggest an alternative afterwards. (Assuming there is to be a next time.)

~Bee

ET correct typos

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People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools. -Alice Walker

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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quote:
Originally posted by candy from strangers:
But not all guys convulse and say "oh God" before they come.


Nope. Usually I can't form proper words.

--------------------
"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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black roses 19
Xboxing Day


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Woah Maple. You're giving me all sorts of visuals here [Wink]

However...the visual I get is the one with the picture with you wearing makeup...

--------------------
"I find them to be in contradiction of the basic principles of YOUR MOM!!!" -We've Got Mail

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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I know which one you mean, but check this one out, too. [Smile]

MakeupLeaf [Big Grin]

(And no, that's not my real hair.)

--------------------
"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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Fun with a 9mm
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by robbiev427:
quote:
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

On a somewhat serious note, I have had several women that say they don't like it when I guy says "I'm gonna' come" or whatever.

What's a poor guy to do?

I still contend that the body convulsions and the "oh God!" should be fair enough warning. [/QB]

Tap her on the head? [lol]

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I'm not mean, you're just a big sissy. -Happy Bunny

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.- Verbal Kint

Trespassers will be pelted with jellyfish.- Daniel Cluley

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Esprise Me
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off.
Jeepers, I didn't know men came with pause buttons! So you mean if I interrupt foreplay to take a break, get a snack, or maybe go watch some Law & Order, he'll still be hard and ready when I come back? Awesome!

quote:
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask (snip)
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

So, wait, men need to be able to tell whether their partners have come, but women deserve a warning? At the risk of sharing too much personal information, I have never had trouble figuring out when the person on whom I am performing oral sex is about to come. There's a very obvious physical sensation that precedes the moment of ejaculation, and if you miss that, I don't know where you get off insisting that men be able to read your orgasm versus your almost-there moaning. If you want to come, and especially if you don't want him to keep going too long after you've come, you're going to have to let him know when it happens.
Also, having someone come inside your mouth is not the end of the world. If you're doing it right, the semen will go straight down your throat, and you won't even taste it. Spitting is less pleasant, in my experience, because then the semen has to come back over your tongue.

quote:
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

Actually, having those pictures posted online would be my concern. I'll still do it as long as I keep the only copies, digital or printed; if it's someone I trust, I may let him keep a copy too.

quote:
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

Who uses permanent dye in the bedroom? And I happen to like candle wax a lot more than honey. With no disrespect intended toward people who get off on that sort of thing, I have to say that I find the use of food products in sex play to be downright icky. If you don't like my natural taste, maybe we're just not compatible.

quote:
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

Anal stimulation feels good for women because the clitoris is a complex web of tissues that connects with the entire anal/genital area. Not all women like it, of course, just as not all men like it--not even all gay men. But give it a chance.

quote:
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

Some women find that incredibly sexy.

quote:
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE CUMS.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

She might do the same for you? Cripes, if you spend half an hour doing everything she wants and she can't be bothered to reciprocate--especially since making a man come is usually a heckuva lot less work than the reverse--she is not worth your time. After all that work, you shouldn't be left to jerk off by yourself.

This is such a terrible list, and I really hope there aren't any inexperienced men out there getting complexes as a result of it. I've noticed a disturbing trend of women who don't think they have to make an effort in bed simply because they're in demand as sex partners. It is cruel and sexist to expect more from your partner than you are willing to give, simply because he is a man and you are a woman.

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"If God wrote it, the grammar must be infallible. Perhaps it is we who are mistaken." -MapleLeaf

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black roses 19
Xboxing Day


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quote:
I know which one you mean, but check this one out, too.

MakeupLeaf

(And no, that's not my real hair.)

*Giggle* Now that's hot, Maple darling.

That...WAS for Halloween....right? [Eek!]

--------------------
"I find them to be in contradiction of the basic principles of YOUR MOM!!!" -We've Got Mail

Posts: 1361 | From: Muncie, IN | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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