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Author Topic: First time: How bad does it hurt?
GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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Okay, here is a dumb question because I've never had sex with a virgin. How far "in" is the hymen? I mean, is it right near the lips or closer to the cervix?

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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quote:
Originally posted by NickFun:
It's so much easier being a guy. It Never hurts.

I hurt a guy once trying out a new position.

How was I supposed to know it doesn't bend that way?

Nonny

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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Deirdre
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Hymen lost in a phenomenal water-skiing accident at 12...

Found THE guy at 25 (not particularly prudish, just wanted it to be fun and comfortable). It was (fun and comfortable)... No pain, little discomfort (but he did accomodate me by holding still for a moment). I was aroused, comfortable, in like and having a blast, so I think with that combo, you're probably good to go. By the way, he was a virgin too, for no particular reason, and we had fun exploring together.

And, most certainly, if you think that the first time may be difficult because of a thick hymen, seek help from a medical professional. Do not take a chance on your honeymoon not being as much fun as it could possibly be. Do also bring the KY as you never know when you may need a bit of help...Good Luck!

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Sweetheart, Remember never squat with your spurs on. Love, Mama
Slainte!

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Deirdre
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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And to GenYus:
An intact hymen should be visible... typically it means that the inner vaginal "lips" are connected by a thin membrane with a small opening in it. Google it for Images...

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Sweetheart, Remember never squat with your spurs on. Love, Mama
Slainte!

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Silkenreindeer
Wassaleing


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My hymen went byebye before my virginity... but up until that point, I too couldn't comfortably use tampons. I could get them in there, but not far enough for them to "settle".

Yeah.

Sex can be uncomfortable if you're not adequately lubricated and in the mood. Foreplay is a woman's friend. My husband tends to be fairly thoughtful when it comes to sex, but I tend to be a bit impatient. You know, "Enough with the hand already. Stick it in me, dammit." [Big Grin] The important thing is to make sure that you're relaxed, adequately lubricated, and that you trust your partner. You can't influence how it will feel when your hymen tears. However, you can make sure that the many other factors that go into influencing whether sex is an uncomfortable chore or a blissful pleasure are in your favor.

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pinqy
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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It didn't hurt at the time, but the next morning my headache was terrible. And the rug burns were bad. Second time wasn't much better...hangover and poison oak. These are the things they don't warn you about in sex ed.

pinqy

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Don't Forget!
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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Non-Vegetable-Derived Enzyme Mouse:
quote:
Originally posted by NickFun:
It's so much easier being a guy. It Never hurts.

I hurt a guy once trying out a new position.

How was I supposed to know it doesn't bend that way?

Nonny

Y almost OMANK. Funny, funny.

Robbiev -look! I've twisted it into a poodle!- 427

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ChickMarie
Deck the Malls


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My first time hurt like crazy. After a couple of minutes pleasure took the place of the pain and it was all ok. Afterwards I was in pain for nearly a week and it was hard to walk. Admittedly, my partner (also a first-timer) was rather large and we went at it for quite a long time so that residual pain was the same as after any marathon sex I've had since then. The initial pain was a killer though.

And yeah, I was kind of spoiled by having my first time being so excellent.

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thadeus
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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I'm so down on adulthood.

I read this entire thread and didn't giggle a single time. Even with the water skiing thing.

Next thing you know, I won't find farts funny.

WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING TO ME?

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the Virgin Marrya
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Nuclear Mosquito:
POSSIBLE TMI FOR ACTIVE TOPICS JUST IN CASE.
POSSIBLE TMI FOR ACTIVE TOPICS JUST IN CASE.
POSSIBLE TMI FOR ACTIVE TOPICS JUST IN CASE.
This is exactly my fear for when I get married next year.

My 5c on the topic would be a little bit left field, but bear with me:

[Depending on what your definition of a virgin is, of course, but assuming the broadest]

Can I suggest that you and he actively plan not to have penetrative sex on your wedding night?

No matter how well it goes, the day will be pretty fraught. You will get to the end of it, exhausted, but hopefully happy, and at least a little nervous. This is not the time to do scary painful stuff.

This is the time to fool around like teenagers on the couch, with the confidence that anything that feels good is the right thing to do.

Again with the assuming:
If you're heading off on honeymoon straight away, don't do it that night, either. Again, fool around. Discover what you like, not just in your genital touching - play around with massage, ticklefights, groping etc.

Set a date 3 or 5 days into your holiday - long enough for you both to be not too tired from the wedding and the travelling, not too nervous.

Fool around some, and then, when you're ready, go for it. With this much lead up, even if it hurts, you'll be emotionally prepared for it, and you'll have started to tune into each other's physical cues, and you will feel confident about saying either "It hurts, but it's okay" or, "Hey, that's hurting too much"

Chances are very high that if you've been fooling around that long, you'll decide to go for it, knowing it will be worth it in the end.

BIG SECRET: You have the rest of your lives to discover everything there is to know about sex with each other. You don't have to do it all on the first night. Not even in the first week.
As long as you are communicating clearly with each other about your needs, wants, expectations and fears, you'll be fine.

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Steph Summers
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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I think Marrya sounds like a lil ole lady. We all look forward to doing it on our wedding night. We've been fooling around, learning about each other sexually for some time before. Did she wait a week?

My first time was with a caring guy, who gave me a lot of foreplay, so I was properly lubricated. He then inserted slowly, looking for my reactions. When he went through, it tingled...just a bit of pain, but he rubbed me with his finger on a very sensitive area....and the pleasure took over.

Net, net if the guy is sensitive and understands a woman's body...it should be fine. I hope the guys who read this do understand.

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the Virgin Marrya
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Steph Summers:
We've been fooling around, learning about each other sexually for some time before.

Yup, which is why I clarified that it depends on what you quantify as a virgin.

If you HAVEN'T been doing that fooling around, then leaping into wedding night sex, seems, well, a bit silly, and asking for unnecessary pain, and maybe setting up a pattern that may later need to be unlearned.

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Steph Summers
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Marrya, If you read the threads, the level of pain varies tremendously....but not a single woman said anything about not wanting to do it any more! Maybe you're over-reacting.

I don't know how the men feel, but I suspect some would find it strange if their newly-married wife preferred to wait 5-7 days so they're not "too tired". C'mon. Ease-up and enjoy the finer things in life. You can sight-see Auckland quickly...then get to the main event.

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the Virgin Marrya
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Acutally, Steph, I was specifically responding to Nuclear Mosquito's comment that she was nervous about her first time. That's all.

Everybody knows you can "sight-see Auckland".
But not many people realise that you can also fly in to Dunedin, and take the scenic route, on the way to the main event.

I'm not sure which part of my post made you think I was issuing a decree that no-one should have any fun on their wedding night.

Nor was I suggesting that she dictated - I was simply offering an alternative that they, as a couple, might not have considered yet.

[edit to remove pointless snarkiness]
It's late here, and I'm tired, so I'll come back to this another day.

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Steph Summers
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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OK. I hear you. An alternative to sex on the wedding night is to wait a while (3-5 days) before consummating the marriage. I haven't been with a lot of men, but my impression is once they have an erection, they're probably not too tired. What do you suggest if the groom has an erection sometime before day 5? Is the wife too tired to accommodate him? Is oral or manual release permitted? Or does he have to take matters into his own hands?

I can see it all now. Let's wait 3-5 days so we won't be tired. Then, let's wait 1-2 days for headaches; then 1-2 days for PMS; then 1-2 days for cramps; then 3-5 days for monthly issues. How long is this honeymoon?

Maybe some of the guys can react to how they'd feel on their honeymoon if this is the way the marriage begins. To me, 1 day "tired" is understandable, but beyond that it's just not caring for his needs.

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hoitoider
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Steph Summers:
What do you suggest if the groom has an erection sometime before day 5?

A guy just married doesn't get a hard-on (sorry, buildings are 'erected') for five days? No wonder I'm 44 & single.

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No man has a right in America to treat any other man "tolerantly" for tolerance is the assumption of superiority. -Wendell L. Willkie

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Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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I'm currently single (feel free to take that as a hint...) and I've never gone five days without an erection. I doubt I've ever gone even five hours (barring some exceptional circumstances). That said, an erection does not necessarily mean that something has to be done about it.

Besides, I don't think anybody is inconsiderate to feel that they want to get started with married life as soon as possible, most likely both parts are eager to get going. In fact, most parts have already been going like Duracell bunnies for years before they marry, and this must surely be an indication of something.

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/Troberg

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ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Steph Summers:
OK. I hear you. An alternative to sex on the wedding night is to wait a while (3-5 days) before consummating the marriage. I haven't been with a lot of men, but my impression is once they have an erection, they're probably not too tired. What do you suggest if the groom has an erection sometime before day 5? Is the wife too tired to accommodate him? Is oral or manual release permitted? Or does he have to take matters into his own hands?

I can see it all now. Let's wait 3-5 days so we won't be tired. Then, let's wait 1-2 days for headaches; then 1-2 days for PMS; then 1-2 days for cramps; then 3-5 days for monthly issues. How long is this honeymoon?

Maybe some of the guys can react to how they'd feel on their honeymoon if this is the way the marriage begins. To me, 1 day "tired" is understandable, but beyond that it's just not caring for his needs.

Jesus, is she going to have to "accomodate" him every time he gets a hard on for the rest of their lives? When one person is uncomfortable or scared, it is their needs that need to be met, not the horny person's.

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Officially Heartless

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Malruhn
The "Was on Sale" Song


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To look at this through another set of eyes...
quote:
When one person is uncomfortable or scared, it is their needs that need to be met, not the horny person's.

Sure, as it is ALL about that one person that must submit, and no consideration should be given to that other person at all.

Sorry, but this APPEARS to be awfully close to an argument that really hangs my munchkin.

If two people hook up that are sexually on different schedules, it is always the GUY that has to get his head straight... either leave that poor woman alone, or to start performing when she wants to get jiggy.

I realize this may not be what you are saying, but, WOW, it sounds like it.

Turn the genders around with that argument and see how long it is before you get blasted for being a misogynist or sexist or just plain goofy.

(/hijack)

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Babies are like tattoos. You see other peoples' & they're cool, but yours is never as good & you can't get rid of it.

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ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Malruhn:
To look at this through another set of eyes...
quote:
When one person is uncomfortable or scared, it is their needs that need to be met, not the horny person's.

Sure, as it is ALL about that one person that must submit, and no consideration should be given to that other person at all.

Sorry, but this APPEARS to be awfully close to an argument that really hangs my munchkin.

If two people hook up that are sexually on different schedules, it is always the GUY that has to get his head straight... either leave that poor woman alone, or to start performing when she wants to get jiggy.

I realize this may not be what you are saying, but, WOW, it sounds like it.

Turn the genders around with that argument and see how long it is before you get blasted for being a misogynist or sexist or just plain goofy.

(/hijack)

Well, of course. If you'll read what I actually wrote, it is the exact opposite of the argument that the man must always do as the woman wishes. I specifically used "one person" instead of "the woman" because I feel that both partners should be completely at ease, comfortable, and not in pain. I also dislike the "men should do whatever women want in bed" argument and I am specifically and decisively not making that argument.

I said "him" in my first sentence because in Steph Summers' post she said "To me, 1 day "tired" is understandable, but beyond that it's just not caring for his needs." So I was just referring back to her post.

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Officially Heartless

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Ryda Wong, EBfCo.
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Malruhn:
To look at this through another set of eyes...
quote:
When one person is uncomfortable or scared, it is their needs that need to be met, not the horny person's.

Sure, as it is ALL about that one person that must submit, and no consideration should be given to that other person at all.
I don't know how any person in their right mind could object to this. Look, sex is not a right. It is not even really a need (i.e., you won't die if you don't get it). If you don't respect your partner enough to leave them the hell alone if they are uncomfortable or scared, you don't deserve to have sex. This applies for males or females. End of story. To do otherwise is a violation.

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So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus:

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Malruhn
The "Was on Sale" Song


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Hey, don't go getting all nice-nice with me, I was on a perfectly good rant!! Nah, I figured you weren't going there, but it is just something that sets me off... and you got close. [Smile]

And it was a good excuse to use the word "misogynist" in a sentence. [lol]

I'm all better now...

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Opinions aren't excuses to remain ignorant about subjects, nor are they excuses to never examine one's beliefs & prejudices...

Babies are like tattoos. You see other peoples' & they're cool, but yours is never as good & you can't get rid of it.

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ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Malruhn:
Hey, don't go getting all nice-nice with me, I was on a perfectly good rant!! Nah, I figured you weren't going there, but it is just something that sets me off... and you got close. [Smile]

And it was a good excuse to use the word "misogynist" in a sentence. [lol]

I'm all better now...

[Big Grin]

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Officially Heartless

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Ryda Wong, EBfCo.
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Steph Summers:
OK. I hear you. An alternative to sex on the wedding night is to wait a while (3-5 days) before consummating the marriage. I haven't been with a lot of men, but my impression is once they have an erection, they're probably not too tired.

I don't know where you've gotten your information on men, but an erection has nothing to do with fatigue, and it does not necessarly equal the desire to have sex. Do you wanna fuck every time your nipples get hard?

quote:
Originally posted by Steph Summers:
What do you suggest if the groom has an erection sometime before day 5? Is the wife too tired to accommodate him? Is oral or manual release permitted? Or does he have to take matters into his own hands?.

Uhhh. Sex isn't about accomidation. It's about mutual desire and respect. And I'd hope that a man old enough to marry is old enough to know how to jerk off. If not, he's got some problems.


quote:
Originally posted by Steph Summers:
To me, 1 day "tired" is understandable, but beyond that it's just not caring for his needs.

Refer to the above. Sex is NOT ABOUT ONE PERSON'S NEEDS. I, as a partner, am not obligated to take care of his desires unless i damned well want to. And, again, sex isn't a need or a right. It's a privilage. We'd be a whole lot better off as a society if we understood and lived by this.

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So many spankings! It feels so good! But at the same time, I don't care about meeting your family! - I'mNotDedalus:

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Enjal
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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IIRC, it hurt pretty bad at first but once I relaxed and got into it, I was fine. Every time after that was great (with that particular guy, that is).

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"I'm a leaf in the wind"
New Lungs for George

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Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Do you wanna fuck every time your nipples get hard?
You must be kidding?!?!?!

Next you'll be saying stupid things like:

* Women don't wear high heels in bed.
* Women don't get naked (except for the high heels of course) whenever they are alone in the kitchen and start to play around with the groceries.
* Women who find their husband in bed with another women don't take off their clothes and join the fun.

Gee, some people have really wierd ideas about how the female mind works...

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/Troberg

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Esprise Me
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Did I miss something in Marrya's post? The impression I got was that she suggested the couple wait to have insertive, hymen-breaking, penis-in-vagina sex until they'd spent some time cuddling, groping, petting, and pleasuring one another orally. That doesn't mean they can't have *sex,* and it certainly doesn't mean the guy has to "just deal with" an erection or go to the bathroom alone to jerk off. This would be an excellent opportunity, in fact, for the new bride to learn how to get him off.
Tell me if I'm mistaken Marrya: an alternate wording for your post could be:
Don't go straight from the kiss on the altar to penetration. Before your hymen gets broken, you should experiment with foreplay and manual/oral stimulation to learn about each other sexually, so the experience of intercourse isn't as stressful.
Sounds like good advice to me.

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"If God wrote it, the grammar must be infallible. Perhaps it is we who are mistaken." -MapleLeaf

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Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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I think it was the schedule that stretched over five days that people reacted to, not the need for foreplay.

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/Troberg

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the Virgin Marrya
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Eprise me, I think I love you.

Good gravy, people! I'm assuming rampant sexual desire, lots of orgasms, lots of fun and messy, sweaty fooling around.

Look, I said:
quote:
This is the time to fool around like teenagers on the couch, with the confidence that anything that feels good is the right thing to do
and later:
quote:

fool around. Discover what you like, not just in your genital touching - play around with massage, ticklefights, groping etc.

The agreed delay on penetration is suggested by way of ensuring that the first, second, and umptyzillionth orgasm either of them has is as much fun as possible, within the comfort zone of both of them.

There's nothing to stop a female virgin in this scenario suddenly saying "Hey, I'm ready to try right now!" at any point. It just creates a no-pressure buffer zone for that to happen in.


And reactions like those posted above are exactly why I made the suggestion in the first place.
For all the quoted liberal mindedness, it seems that sex really is all about penis in vagina, and the rest just doesn't count.

I am amazed that the idea that a couple could
a] choose to save their fooling around until after the wedding
b] actually talk honestly about their hopes and fears, and
c] come up with a creative [win-win] solution
is being met with such derision.

Huh.
I'm so glad I didn't turn the light on.

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Windows cannot open this file. To open this file correctly, defenestrate, then try running the file again...

Posts: 5383 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Gg83
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Marrya:
Huh.
I'm so glad I didn't turn the light on.

Because humans can lick too.

And lick, and lick, and poke and tickle and stroke and lick and...

[Wink]

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More Snape in drag. Seriously, man, that just improves any book. Like, A Tale of Two Cities? TEN TIMES BETTER if Madame Defarge is really Snape in drag with a bad knitting habit.

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Ganzfeld
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I agree with Marrya. There's no need to feel like you have to "perform" on the first night. Just explore and have fun. There's no rule that says you have to go all the way on the first day.

Heck, you've waited this long. Even five more days isn't such a big deal. Sheesh, I think some of you are going to make her even more nervous.

Posts: 4922 | From: Kyoto, Japan | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Steph Summers
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Troberg is where it's at. Some of you are slow learners if it takes 3-5 days...to not feel tired and to begin penetrative sex.

But, again, if you can't even spell "privilege" properly, Ryda, how much hope is there for you?

I don't think jerking off is the answer to his hard-on. Understanding, concern for one's partner and mutual satisfaction may be a lot better.

Excuse me, while I delete Marrya's musings from the real world.

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ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Steph Summers:
Troberg is where it's at. Some of you are slow learners if it takes 3-5 days...to not feel tired and to begin penetrative sex.

But, again, if you can't even spell "privilege" properly, Ryda, how much hope is there for you?

I don't think jerking off is the answer to his hard-on. Understanding, concern for one's partner and mutual satisfaction may be a lot better.

Excuse me, while I delete Marrya's musings from the real world.

Troberg's post was a joke lampooning the ideas people get watching porn (I think, correct me if I'm wrong, Troberg).

Marrya is saying the same thing as your last paragraph, pretty much- respect, concern, and care, NOT one partner satisfying the other's "needs" even when they don't feel like it.

I don't understand why you're being so dismissive of a vrey thoughtful suggestion.

edited to make an angry post more intelligent.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ThistleSoftware
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Arg, I really need to read more carefully. I think it was Troberg's most recent post Steph Summers was responding to, so my first sentence doesn't make sense. Sorry.

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Officially Heartless

Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Ganzfeld
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Steph Summers:
Troberg is where it's at. Some of you are slow learners if it takes 3-5 days...to not feel tired and to begin penetrative sex.

But, again, if you can't even spell "privilege" properly, Ryda, how much hope is there for you?

I don't think jerking off is the answer to his hard-on. Understanding, concern for one's partner and mutual satisfaction may be a lot better.

Excuse me, while I delete Marrya's musings from the real world.

I have no idea what you're talking about. Did you even read Myrra's posts? Because I don't recall her saying jack about "jerking off". (And who the hell cares how you spell privilege? This is a freekin message board, not middle school English.)
Posts: 4922 | From: Kyoto, Japan | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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