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Author Topic: Food Consumed Under Duress Contains No Calories
LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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(From a Rantidote Thread)
quote:
Originally posted by Barbara:
quote:
Originally posted by ladyknight:
And Barbara, I did not know that hamburgers consumed under conditions of duress did not have calories. I shall have to keep that in mind for future visits.

It's a stress effect. Whatever residual calories they contain get worried off during the drive to the inlaws.

Barbara "thus says Sarah Tonin" Mikkelson

Maple"Is it true? [Razz] "Leaf

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Spam & Cookies-mmm
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Puh-leeze! Of course it's true!

quote:
The Non-Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.

Breakfast

1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch

4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner

Loaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars



Rules For This Diet

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.


Also, food consumed for business purposes has no calories. So those donuts at your weekly meetings are guilt free!

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chillas
Coventry Mall Carol


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Also, food consumed out of town contains no calories. When you return home, the calories won't know where to find you.

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nurple
We Three Blings


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Anything that has a fruit or vegetable in it has no calories, because fruit and veggies negate all other calories. Thus, things like apple pie, strawberry donuts, and chocolate-covered cherries have no calories. Neither do potato chips or Fritos, because potatoes and corn are vegetables.

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Lonely Mountain
Jingle All the Layaway


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Let's not forget Bill Cosby's wonderful reasoning why chocolate cake is good for you. It's made from eggs, wheat and milk, all healthy things.

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"Tis too much proved that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself." - Hamlet

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nurple
We Three Blings


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Chocolate cake is good for you because it makes you happy when you eat it, and being happy is good for you. Same goes for Doritos.

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"You better respect the Rap or the Rap won't respect you." Ledatru

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Spamamander in a pear tree
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Let us not forget that beer is a health food, being made from grains, and grain is the base of the food pyramid.

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"There is a race between mankind and the universe. Mankind is trying to build bigger, better, faster, and more foolproof machines. The universe is trying to build bigger, better, and faster fools. So far the universe is winning." -Albert Einstein

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Llewtrah
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Food taken from someone else's plate has no calories.

Leftovers taken from a company buffet have no calories.

(Llewtrah has made a New Year Ressie to get back on the GL Diet because all those non-calories are making her jeans feel too tight)

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jessboo
The First USA Noel


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If you cut something (usually chocolate cake) in half, it has half the calories. So you can eat twice as much.

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Megan'sMom
Deck the Malls


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Don't forget that any food item purchased for "charitable purposes" does not have any calories. So you are good with Girl Scout cookies, school or church bake sale items, candy purchased for school or sports team fundraisers, etc., etc.

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Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of --
but do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.

- Lazarus Long

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