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Author Topic: Christmas Cracker Jokes
Penny
Deck the Malls


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Christmas Crackers are a standard component of my family's traditional Christmas dinner. (Here's Christmas Crackers on Wikipedia for those who are unfamiliar with the concept).

After donning the ridiculous paper hats and marvelling at the useless plastic toys, we indulge in the ritual telling of the jokes. As many of you will already know, the jokes found inside crackers are usually terribly unfunny (we strongly suspect that they're computer-generated). We used to read out the questions and have everyone else in the family guess the answers, but that proved too easy over the years, so these days we read out the answers and encourage everyone to guess the questions.

To give you an idea, some typical cracker jokes are:

Q: What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A: The scare-cases.

Q: Why are elephants grey, large and wrinkled?
A: If they were white, small and smooth, they'd be aspirins.

Q: What's green and always points north?
A: A magnetic cucumber.

Q: What do a lobster on the beach and Christmas have in common?
A: Sandy claws.

And so on. Now, as with most convivial gatherings, several conversations were taking place at different ends of the table. On occasion, someone would make a comment, but someone outside the conversation would overhear it and mistake it for a cracker answer for which they were meant to guess the question. And hilarity ensued.

Hence, I present the Snopesters with a challenge - to provide an appropriately terrible question to match the previous posters' answer and thereby create a new cracker joke. Then make up a new answer for the benefit of the next poster.

Anyone caught making use of already existing jokes will be ritually mocked.

So, to start the ball rolling...

A: A free-falling Santa.

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"Do not dance on the sand"

Posts: 340 | From: Redmond, WA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Itsy Bitsy Spider
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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*giggling* I was a little concerned when I saw your post. Where I come from, "Christmas Cracker" has a completely different meaning.
Posts: 13 | From: South Carolina | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
WaldemarInTheWoods
I'm Dreaming of a Wide Isthmus


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Q: What did the vendor of reindeer-print parachutes offer as a bonus gift to customers buying nine units?

--

A: Batteries shipped separately.

Posts: 8 | From: Longmont, Colorado | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Itsy Bitsy Spider
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Q:What three words strike fear in the hearts of every parent on Christmas Eve?

------

A:A Candy Cane.

Posts: 13 | From: South Carolina | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
LyndaD
Jingle Bell Hock


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Q: What will Santa use to get around when he's old?

A: candles left burning.

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I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway.

Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
unklesamta
Deck the Malls


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Q: Why does the fire department never get a night off?

--

A: A trip to the South Pole

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The less you know, the more you believe. -Bono

Posts: 457 | From: Philadelphia, PA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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Q: What did Santa bring to the wife in Gdansk whose husband lived in Krakow?

Other than LyndaD, you all don't tell very good jokes.

A: Jingle Bells

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

Posts: 3694 | From: Arizona | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Lonely Mountain
Jingle All the Layaway


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Q: What songs do reindeer sing?

Get it? Jingle bells? A jingle is a song and reindeer wear bells? Anyone?

<insert cricket noises here>

----

A: Six pounds

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"Tis too much proved that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself." - Hamlet

Posts: 344 | From: Pittsburgh, PA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
NorthernLite
We Three Blings


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Q. How much weight do you gain from eating only three pounds of Christmas goodies?

A. Three fruitcakes.

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You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. -Blazing Saddles

Posts: 1074 | From: High Level, Alberta, Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Freshman
We Three Blings


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Q:What do you call three crazy mental patients on Christmas eve?

A:Ruldolph the red

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"High-Five!" - Borat

Posts: 1056 | From: Racine, WI | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Penny
Deck the Malls


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Q: What do you call a Russian reindeer?

---

A: A metal ruler

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"Do not dance on the sand"

Posts: 340 | From: Redmond, WA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
LyndaD
Jingle Bell Hock


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Q: What do you call King Tut after his 'Buns of Steel' workout?


A: Feliz Navidad.

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I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway.

Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Jay Temple
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Q: What is the title of the Yuletide special featuring baseball player Pedro Feliz?

A: Carol of the Bells

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"Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy

Posts: 3572 | From: St. Louis, MO | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Lady Moon
Jingle Bell Hock


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Q: What was Mrs Brady's 'Hello' tag when she worked for three phone companies?


```

A: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

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"We've got a fifth member of the band round here, and he's DEFINITELY out of tune!" -- Keith Moon

"If I had a thousand quid for every time I've introduced this song --- oh, I do!" -- John Entwistle

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TallGeekyGirl
O Read, O Read, The Manual


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Q. What do you get when you incinerate Bobby Fischer and Anatoly Karpov.

(Ok, so that one was a bit of a stretch...)

A. And a partridge in a pear tree.

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See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact, an ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son? -- Stan Smith, American Dad

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Radical Dory
God Rest Ye Merry Retail Clerks


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Q. What happened when Mrs. Partridge lost control of the bus and Danny wasn't wearing a seat belt?

---

A. Long underwear.

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"But about the reindeer...what kind of a nose shines? How did he get it? Maybe it's not a reindeer after all. It could be something else."

Posts: 2216 | From: Winston-Salem, NC | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Jay Temple
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Q: What was seen in the orchard after David Cassidy's skydiving class passed overhead?

A: rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums

ETA: Radical Dory and I were obviously responding to TGG's post. For Dory's answer, the question is: What did a pervert try to steal from a dressing room while Cheers was filming?

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"Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy

Posts: 3572 | From: St. Louis, MO | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
   

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