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My boyf's brother, fiance and baby came to stay yesterday. They are lovely people, but if you're not related, it's hard to overlook other people's quirks, isn't it? (comma overload there. sorry.)
First of all, they turn up an hour early. I have just got out of the shower and haven't cleaned or baby-proofed the living room/kitchen yet. I then spend the entire day having jibes thrown at me about how the boyf had to come home from work and clean them. (I couldn't do it because SIL wanted to go shopping- but I did make it clear that if they hadn't been an hour early, it would have all been done!). Then BIL says -not asks- "we'll move the coffee table in a minute so she (baby) can get around in her walker". Oh, will we? Obviously it's not a problem, but y'know...ask first. While the boyf is cleaning the living room, BIL does the kitchen. Puts things from the worktop (salt, pepper etc.) in the cupboard because "they clutter the worktop up". Comments that we should throw a frying pan away because apparently "it's no use for anything". Repeats this comment several times- even after I say that it's actually perfect for pancakes and omlettes. Then there was the comment that boyf doesn't need half the shirts he owns, and they should go on ebay.
They're coming again in a month. Coping tips greatly appreciated!!
Do you have any wine? All of this would go a lot smoother in an altered state of reality. Posts: 779 | From: Southampton, England | Registered: Nov 2005
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Barbara's usual advice is "Be Chinese," which means smile, nod and keep your thoughts to yourself.
As for the showing up early thing, I'd be inclined to be out until a few minutes before the time they show up. "Oh, sorry, have you been waiting? I thought we said 11:00, and it's just now 10:40. I had to run out for a few things. . . "
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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If the getting there early really is a problem for you you could do what I did with my SIL and her husband. They always used to come late. And by late I mean anywhere from 1 to 3 hours late, even when it was for a planned dinner. One time I got totally fed up and the next time they were supposed to come we served our other guests at the time we planned and then we all went out to a movie. SIL arrived to a darkened house and no one was home.
She never pulled that crap on us again. So my advice is do what I did in reverse. If they are supposed to arrive at a specific time only arrive home yourselves a few minutes before that time. If they've had a long wait they won't pull that stunt again.
Also make sure your boyfriend is the one who deals with his own family. Especially if there are conflicts. Back off, way off and let him cope. They are his family not yours.
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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If their first visit had been so wonderful for me, I would not have extended an invite for another visit. I jest, of course, but I dislike anyone that does not live with me having things to say about my housekeeping. I certainly would be ticked about ILs having anything to say about something that had nothing to do with baby proofing (salt and pepper, frying pan, shirts).
I agree with Lainie, though, smile and nod. I would, however, maybe mention to your BF how you felt. There is no need to feel stress from anyone inside your own home.
-------------------- "Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie." -Apu (The Simpsons) Posts: 2026 | From: 10 miles South of Boston | Registered: Oct 2002
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I suggest itching powder in their undies.... It may not solve the problem of their rudeness, but it is fun to watch!
Posts: 6 | From: Lake Worth, FL | Registered: Apr 2006
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
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I found living on the other side of the continent quite successful in dealing with in-laws.
Almost sounds like bfb is use to telling his brother what to do and how to live. Is he an older brother? I suspect his behavior is less about you and more about a long term relationship between the brothers. You're just getting the splash from that.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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I live with my MIL. My tactic when she makes me nuts is to smile and nod-then go out and plot her murder. Nothing I'd ever do of course, just a way to defuse the tension and frustration of dealing with the old Battle Axe.
-------------------- I have the body of a god--Sadly it is the Buddha Posts: 35 | From: Central California | Registered: Jul 2006
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I would never have lived with my in-laws but if I did I'd assume it was because there was something in it for me. I'd really love to hear the in-laws perspective on what it's like having adult children and their spouses living with them
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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Both times, I married men whose parents were dead.
It's practically a prerequisite.
-------------------- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."--George Bernard Shaw Posts: 19266 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Jun 2002
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I guess no one wants to hear that I get along quite well with my inlaws, then? My SIL tried to warn me (even AT the frickin wedding) that I didn't know what I was getting into joining the family, but the main shit-stirrer is her, and the rest of the family welcomed me with open arms. I'm sure its just because I'm so much better than his first wife.
On the other hand, I didn't get along very well with my last BFs family, so I found avoidance to work quite well. As much as possible, anyway.
-------------------- 'I'm the decider... I decide what's best.' Posts: 403 | From: Branson, Missouri | Registered: Nov 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Scari at haunted home: I found living on the other side of the continent quite successful in dealing with in-laws.
Yeah We moved to Canada, that works too
-------------------- Focus On The Family- An opinion group who think more about Gay Sex than gay people do- Rick Mercer Posts: 590 | From: Rawdon, Quebec | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Lainie: Barbara's usual advice is "Be Chinese," which means smile, nod and keep your thoughts to yourself.
This is great advice. If you can bolster it with recognition that most of what they say comes from insecurities about what they present to the world, rather than what you present, you're on to a winner.
Personally I reckon that by not having the house clean and tidy awaiting their arrival, you and your partner will have boosted their self-esteem. That's what I tell myself when visitors arrive in my bombsite - they can feel superior, and therefore I've done my good deed for the day!
Posts: 1157 | From: Westcountry UK "It's Bootiful" | Registered: Jul 2005
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Before we severed all contact I found that a combination of the "Be Chinese" advice combined with an internal quantity surveying approach was useful with Mrs D's family. E.g Mentally running through "3 hours down of 48. Thats 3 into 48 which is 1/16th which is about 6 and a 1/2 percent. Another hour gets me to 1/12th which is about 8 and a 1/2 percent. So after another hour and a half I'll be 10% down. If I then sleep for 8 hours that's another say 17% which makes over 25% and therefore nearly a 1/4 down ... " etc etc etc. It gave me something to cling to and an assurance that time was actually moving - despite my experience to the contrary
The added virtue was that I appeared to be paying attention to their drivel which had them thinking me a good listener.
Dropbear
-------------------- " The villagers had said justice had been done, and she'd lost patience and told them to go home, then, and pray to whatever gods they believed in that it was never done to them. -- (Terry Pratchett) Posts: 823 | From: Hobart, Tasmania | Registered: Jun 2005
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They're not MY family. They're not MY parents. Therefore, when they act like asshats, they're not MY problem, they're Mr. K's problem.
Of course, there's a long story behind that, but to make it short, MIL and FIL and OSIL were nasty to me from Day One. I was nice, until MIL decided to really dig her grave by telling Mr. K that "obviously, Your Wife isn't giving you your messages!", when she hadn't even called. Mr. K yelled at her and hung up on her.
When he told me this, I told him I was done, I was washing my hands of them, and I didn't have to put up with this crap ever again.
So, I cut them off. And, eventually, when Mr. K got more than a little tired of dealing with his parents and their nastiness, he cut them off.
I have not spoken to them in just over a year. Mr. K has not spoken to them for ten months.
Fortunately, for Mr. K, he has wonderful in-laws who all love him!
-------------------- Beware corporate zombies! They will purchase your brain on E-Bay! Posts: 2310 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2003
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I've been lucky. Mine are amazingly easy to deal with, and conversely my husband likes my parents quite well.
For that matter, both sets of in-laws are great friends and have recently been having monthly visits with each other.
Posts: 2787 | From: California | Registered: Feb 2000
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Do the brother, fiance and baby HAVE to stay with you again? Are these comments about pans, shirts and salt shakers directed at you or at the room in general? If directed at the room in genreal, your boyf is perfectly in line answering, in a polite voice of course, that he finds the pan useful, the shirt selection freeing, and the saltshaker handy. If the remarks are directed specifically to you (perhaps when he is not in the room), your response could be that boyf find those items and their locations convenient, and you wouldn't want to change things overmuch without discussing it with him. This all sounds like bossy older brother to me, too, which may make it hard for your boyf to stand up to him. Hopefully the boyf can talk to his brother and lay some ground rules before the next visit. If not, maybe they can stay in a motel.
-------------------- I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway. Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005
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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
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quote:Originally posted by Christie: So my advice is do what I did in reverse. If they are supposed to arrive at a specific time only arrive home yourselves a few minutes before that time. If they've had a long wait they won't pull that stunt again.
That doesn't really help if she's supposed to be using the time before they arrive to clean the house, though...
Posts: 8725 | From: Ipswich - the UK's 9th Best Place to Sleep! | Registered: Feb 2000
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But if jessboo and SO cleaned the house before they left, then they don't have to worry.
-------------------- My mom, about my nervousness with Jeopardy!: "Don't worry about it. Just get drunk and you'll do fine." Blog Just call me Mickey 2 Posts: 3295 | From: Radford, VA/Herndon, VA/Orlando, FL | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Originally posted by LyndaD: Do the brother, fiance and baby HAVE to stay with you again?
Yeah, pretty much. They're coming down for a family thing and they can't afford a hotel. I don't mind them staying, it's just...don't move things!!
Perhaps it came across worse than it actually is. They are the kind of people who think they're being sensible, so why wouldn't you want them to move your stuff? it's better in the cupboard! It just irritates me. Having a baby does not trump everything else. You don't just move someone's things so that your baby can play. Not that I mind it being moved- it's more the fact that we weren't *asked* if it could be.
I do quite like the idea of not being in, I might do that next time. Of course next time I won't be busy the entire week beforehand and will be able to tidy up before they arrive!
Do you have any wine? All of this would go a lot smoother in an altered state of reality. Posts: 779 | From: Southampton, England | Registered: Nov 2005
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I thank jeebus that I have wonderful in-laws. DW and I lived with them for less than 6 months when we moved from Houston to Dallas, and the only thing chafing was us not having much room of out own. I am sure they appreciated when we got out of their hair as well. Even though we live in the same city, they do not come over without calling, and we see them somewhere between 2 and 4+ times per month.
-------------------- Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket? Posts: 782 | From: Arlington, TX | Registered: Jul 2005
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Just to point out, they aren't really in-laws yet, which means you still have tine...
I'm a firm believer that you should not have to deal with in-laws, it's his job. And your job to deal with your family. It is so much easier and makes everything go more smoothly.
As for the little jibes, I'd take them all in stride. You might have suggested, light heartedly that you would be glad to have bil buy you a new frying pan to replace the 'worthless' one.
I have to ask, how bad did the kitchen need cleaning? I like my kitchen to be spotless when I have guests, but if they arrive be for I get to this, I figure they've already seen it so why waste our time together scrubbing things. I find it odd that he would have jumped in to help clean as well.
posted
My in-laws are God's way of making it up to me for my family.
My mother lovingly rearranged my living room furniture one night after we'd gone to bed. No real reason...she just thought "it looked better". Of course, she covered two heating vents with her "improvements" & I very politely told her so later, including that I'd appreciate it if she asked my opinion before moving my furniture in my house.
I think the main things to remember are to stay polite & let the bf handle dealing with his family. In the case of my mom, she's stubborn as hell & I know I'll never change her, so I've decided not to stress myself out being irritated with her. Not that I let her walk all over me...more like I'm dealing with a stubborn child...repetitive patient-as-I-can-manage correction.
-------------------- "I reject your reality and substitue my own!" - Adam Savage, Mythbusters Posts: 411 | From: Indiana | Registered: Dec 2005
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quote:Originally posted by kingfan1978: My in-laws are God's way of making it up to me for my family.
My mother lovingly rearranged my living room furniture one night after we'd gone to bed. No real reason...she just thought "it looked better". Of course, she covered two heating vents with her "improvements" & I very politely told her so later, including that I'd appreciate it if she asked my opinion before moving my furniture in my house.
Their parents once moved the sofa. When we weren't there. Then they told us that it made more sense (I forget why) to be there- although it actually didn't because whoever sits there can't see the telly. It must be in the genes; Thank jebus they bypassed the boyf.
Do you have any wine? All of this would go a lot smoother in an altered state of reality. Posts: 779 | From: Southampton, England | Registered: Nov 2005
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Someone beat me to the "get divorced" quip. When I got divorced, I stayed good friends with my in-laws and they phone regularly. If anything, I'm the one trying to tactfully reduce contact because my ex (who was the biggest mistake I've made in life) has children with the woman he went off with.
posted
I'm not coping with mine. My fiance's mother turned up at about 2am on sunday morning. I find out today she has had her mail redirected to our house. I got home today and she said, oh i'm about to cook tea in a minute, i finsih work at 5pm people, and it's 39 degrees outside, i do not want tea that early. I've actually had her serve dinner up at 3pm and that was it, nothing later that night. And unfortunatly i have no idea when she's going, i'm guessing by redirecting mail she'll be here for awhile. Problem is i live in a house owned by my work so she can't stay. So yeah coping hints would be nice for me as well. I like the be chinese one mentioned earlier. I've also pretty much taken up residence in our bedroom because she has taken over the living room. I also tried the move far away trick, but it seems like she followed.
-------------------- Love is a sudden revelation: a kiss is always a discovery Posts: 902 | From: Australia | Registered: Dec 2005
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Oh Ange, you seem to have it much worse. Vibes for you!!
What does your fiance say about it? Does his mum know that she can't stay in your house? I mean, it's *your* house, not her son's- she can't just pitch up and expect to stay!!
Do you have any wine? All of this would go a lot smoother in an altered state of reality. Posts: 779 | From: Southampton, England | Registered: Nov 2005
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Ange, what if you explained that your company owns the house, and you can't have people that aren't approved by the company's housing living there. If she asks why your fiance can stay, you can say that he will soon be your husband, so there are minor exceptions, such as fiance's.
-------------------- My mom, about my nervousness with Jeopardy!: "Don't worry about it. Just get drunk and you'll do fine." Blog Just call me Mickey 2 Posts: 3295 | From: Radford, VA/Herndon, VA/Orlando, FL | Registered: Jan 2006
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We can have people visit, but living here permantly would be a different story. My fiance doesn't say much, he did tell her there are lots of truck driving jobs out here. It has been him and his mum for about 8 years, they left a bad situation together so she really felt the separation from him. I'm trying very hard to be nice. If she does extend the visit too long i will be pulling out the work owning the house thing, i mean she is living here rent free.I know she has to leave soonish, she has work back where she came from, but after that i think she is coming back out here for another visit, which again may be quite extended. Perhaps by then we will have moved or have housemates. I'm hoping to get a 2 bedroom flat at some stage, if i can ever find anything under $300 (rental subsisdy only cover up to $250 a week) a week in a decent neighbourhood. We'll have to see how it pans out, for now though i am out for the night and next weekend i fly out for a week, so my fiance can spend quality time with her while i shop, i mean do training for work.
-------------------- Love is a sudden revelation: a kiss is always a discovery Posts: 902 | From: Australia | Registered: Dec 2005
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