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Author Topic: I was proposed to, kind of..
BeachLife
The Bills of St. Mary's


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Let me just start by saying that I plan to be purposely vague in some of my descriptions as people who know me IRL sometimes read this and I don't want to give any identities away.

So, this friend of mine, whom I've known for quite some time ask me to consider marriage. She is looking for something on that would be kept entirely secret and on paper only for reasons that get a little complex.

I'm going to attempt to nutshell everything as best I can. She has a young son. The father is someone she's never been married to, and never married. He's a bit of a whack job who seems to think he must marry her and won't take no for an answer. She knows that a marriage to someone else will get him off her back for good. Thus the proposal.

I honestly can't say I am seriously considering it, but I haven't said no yet either. So tell me why I am crazy in that I haven't said no yet. One thing I can offer is that I would not be adopting her son, and I would not proceed without a heavy prenuptial agreement in place. Not that I am cosidering it at all anyway.

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Confessions of a Dragon's scribe
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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Hmm... so... she's just looking for someone to be legally married to to get her son's father off her back because he continually insists that they have to get married... and that's the ONLY reason? She doesn't plan on living in the same home with you or sleeping in the same bed... sharing bills and a bank account and all of that fun stuff?

Well... people have gotten married for stranger reasons, I guess.

I don't think you're crazy for having not said no yet. She's your friend... you want to help her... that makes sense. But you didn't jump right forth and say yes either, for reasons which I think we both agree are COMPLETELY obvious.

I also think that it's smart of you to be thinking ahead that IF you actually did this, you would need LOTS of legal mumbo jumbo in place to avoid things like getting slapped with alimony & child support if she decides marrying you to get her (presumably) ex off her back wasn't the best idea she ever had...

But all in all, I have to say the whole thing stinks to me of a really, really BAD idea. Find a way to tell her no gently, since she is a friend, but I definitely do not recommend that you go forward with this.

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elfbunny
I Saw Three Shipments


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Tell her to do what I did. Buy a nice diamond solitare, then introduce you as her fiance. Not as drastic as the actual marriage thing. It worked for me. Too bad the guy (thank God he was not my son's father) then decided to go out with my friend. Needless to say, that didn't work out. LOL. Try the "engagement" first.

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Gibbie
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Better she get a restraining order than married. Honestly, this can't be good. Marriages on paper are still marriages and depending on the laws in your state you could be commiting to a lot more than you bargain for, even prenupped to death.

Consider the tax implications. IRS doesn't care if you're married on paper or not, now you're married and you have to file that way. Even married filing separately carries a different tax structure than being single. And remember that tax info translates to student financial aid forms. You've got one daughter in college and one on the way. How would that affect aid, scholarships etc? It may not at all, but it may. You may be able to handle that in the legal arrangements but what would all that cost?

I don't get why this lady can't just tell her baby daddy to get lost? If he's harrasing her, she should seek legal action, if he's just a pest then she needs to grow a spine and tell him to leave her alone. If she can't or won't do either wouldn't a cheap wedding band from WalMart accomplish the same thing? Can't she just pretend she got married?

Beach I say run. Quickly. Unless, like, you really want a life with this woman. But given the way it's described here? No way, no paper marriages. Nothing good can come of that.

Gibbie

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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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If this guy's such a total nut case, I don't see how she can be absolutely certain that marrying someone else would get him off her back. It might just set him off, and you (and potentially your children) might somehow get involved in the ensuing bad craziness.

Also, if it's a complete secret, the nutjob won't know, and if the nutjob knows, it's no longer a complete secret.

I feel for your friend, and I know you'd like to help her, but this had disaster written all over it. Maybe there's some other way you can help her.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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Doug4.7
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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All I can say is there MUST be a better way to get things done other than getting married. Things can get complicated FAST when you get married. The legal mess alone (if you were to later get "divorced") should make you think more than twice about doing it.

There MUST be a better way.

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And now for something completely different...

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Beach, I bet if any of your real-life friends are reading this, they can guess who it is. How many not-married female friends, who has a son and whose ex-boy friend is hounding her to get married, do you guys have? I'm glad you didn't say "yes," but then, I knew you had more sense than that!

Purple Iguana, this probably varies by state and may be different in Florida, but in Oklahoma, step-parents aren't liable for child support, and alimony is temporary and only to give a person a year to find a job and get settled, not to help support him/her for life.

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

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Dog Friendly
Carol of the Bills


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I don't know enough to tell if this is a possibility, but other people have found out too late that an obsessive guy can transfer all his frustration onto them. Do you really want this character thinking that if only you were out of the picture, then his lady love would see the error of her ways and return to him? I didn't say it was rational, but how rational is he?

Think about it. While running, I mean...

Dog Friendly

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"Nobody ever got stoned and beat up his old lady" -- Spence, snapdragonfly's friend

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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It's possible this chick's read too many Harlequins.

If you're a character in a romance novel, go ahead with the marriage of convenience; you will discover this woman is the love of your life and find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. If, however, you're just a regular guy stuck in the real world with the rest of us, it's probably not a very good idea.

Nonny

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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Beach, you know the answer. You are an intelligent man. It's the same answer you'd give one of your daughters if she was proposed to by a friend in similar circumstances. Right?

{{hugs}}

Roadie

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"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

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Mickey is a Hanukkah Bush
O Come Let Us Adore Sales


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I agree with Gibbie. Don't get sucked into marrying her when what she REALLY needs is a restraining order.

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My mom, about my nervousness with Jeopardy!: "Don't worry about it. Just get drunk and you'll do fine."
Blog Just call me Mickey 2

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Enjal
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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I agree with the suggestions to pretend. Get a cheap but nice looking "diamond" ring and/or wedding band and just tell him that she's engaged or married. If that doesn't work, actually getting married won't work either. If she's feeling threatened, she needs to get a protection or restraining order.

Has she tried just being honest with this guy and telling him that she's not interested in marrying him? You said he won't take no for an answer but I wonder what her approach to saying no has been. I know nothing about your friend so I'm not assuming anything, I just know plenty of women who would have a hard time being blunt and honest because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

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"I'm a leaf in the wind"
New Lungs for George

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Purple Iguana
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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If she's gonna pretend, why not just buy herself a wedding band (cheaper than a diamond ring) and tell her son's father that it's none of his damn business to know who the hell she's married to?

To avoid pretense, I agree with those who have voted restraining order.

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They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius

If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing.

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I don't think getting invovled in a pretense with this woman is a good idea, either. If the bio father really is "a whack job," my opinion is that you need to stay out of this, and she needs to get a restraining order. If he's not really a whack job, then I'd start to question her motivations.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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Mickey is a Hanukkah Bush
O Come Let Us Adore Sales


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Has anyone thought of the other side of what could happen? He could become MORE obsessed in his attempts to get her to marry him, and could be putting the woman, the child, AND BeachLife in a dangerous situation. Or, to not scare as much, it could just make the guy's efforts stronger and more pushy, which is really obnoxious.

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My mom, about my nervousness with Jeopardy!: "Don't worry about it. Just get drunk and you'll do fine."
Blog Just call me Mickey 2

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Mickey is a ghoul:
Has anyone thought of the other side of what could happen? He could become MORE obsessed in his attempts to get her to marry him, and could be putting the woman, the child, AND BeachLife in a dangerous situation. Or, to not scare as much, it could just make the guy's efforts stronger and more pushy, which is really obnoxious.

Yes. I did.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Lainie:
quote:
Originally posted by Mickey is a ghoul:
Has anyone thought of the other side of what could happen? He could become MORE obsessed in his attempts to get her to marry him, and could be putting the woman, the child, AND BeachLife in a dangerous situation. Or, to not scare as much, it could just make the guy's efforts stronger and more pushy, which is really obnoxious.

Yes. I did.
As did Dog Friendly. And you both even mentioned it.

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"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

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annabohly
Jingle Bell Hock


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Is there any way she get a fake marriage certificate?

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And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!!

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Mickey is a Hanukkah Bush
O Come Let Us Adore Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by Lainie:
quote:
Originally posted by Mickey is a ghoul:
Has anyone thought of the other side of what could happen? He could become MORE obsessed in his attempts to get her to marry him, and could be putting the woman, the child, AND BeachLife in a dangerous situation. Or, to not scare as much, it could just make the guy's efforts stronger and more pushy, which is really obnoxious.

Yes. I did.
Okay, so I'm not the only one thinking of the nasty consequences. I'm just surprised that so few people made a comment to that effect, and it appears that everyone else is saying that he should tell her to just buy a ring or get a restraining order.

Edited to mention that more than one person HAD said something

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My mom, about my nervousness with Jeopardy!: "Don't worry about it. Just get drunk and you'll do fine."
Blog Just call me Mickey 2

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Jay Temple
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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I second what PI said.

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"Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Until I read Nonny's answer, this thought hadn't occurred to me, possibly because I don't read those novels, but do you think she might be secretly in love with you and really think the sham marriage might lead to a real one? My answer would still be the same, though. Nope, don't do it. Unless, of course, she admits her burning desire for you, and you fall head over heels in love with her.

By the way, why do we say "head over heels" to indicate falling in love with someone? Isn't our normal position "head over heels?" I know mine is, but maybe everyone else walks around on his/her hands. And, if one person doesn't love the other one, how can the other one say "I'm in love with you," as in songs. Shouldn't it just be "I love you" in that case? Hmmm.

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

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BeachLife
The Bills of St. Mary's


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Thanks to all. I was being lazy and just knew that you all would give me 100 reasons to say no without too much work on my part. [Wink]

As for her identity, I'm almost certain that the people I know IRL would never guess based on what I said here.

Thanks to all.

--------------------
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Jack Dragon, On Being a Dragon
Confessions of a Dragon's scribe
Diary of my Heart Surgery

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LikeHeyScoob
The First USA Noel


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Wednesdays this fall on Fox:

"Sham Wedding!"

Some of us marry for love, some for money, and some to get baby-daddy off of our backs.

Say "I do" to the exciting premiere of "Sham Wedding" on Fox!

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

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Support you local community newspaper! CNN.com probably won't be covering your child's spelling bee.

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BeachLife
The Bills of St. Mary's


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Not entirely related, but I just gotta say, I hate the term 'baby-daddy'.

--------------------
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Jack Dragon, On Being a Dragon
Confessions of a Dragon's scribe
Diary of my Heart Surgery

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Roadie
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by BeachLife:
Not entirely related, but I just gotta say, I hate the term 'baby-daddy'.

Me, too. It's so...Springerish.

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"The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)

"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus)

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LikeHeyScoob
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by BeachLife:
Not entirely related, but I just gotta say, I hate the term 'baby-daddy'.

Me too. And "Baby-momma".
Used it entirely for it's comedic value.

Edited for clarity and to add: Yes! Springerish is the perfect definition, I think!

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Support you local community newspaper! CNN.com probably won't be covering your child's spelling bee.

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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quote:
Originally posted by BeachLife:
Not entirely related, but I just gotta say, I hate the term 'baby-daddy'.

Bandwagon-hopping time! I personally prefer the term 'co-parent'. Provided the man in question is actually planning on doing his share of the parenting, that is. If he isn't then 'glorified sperm donor' is a lot more descriptive.

Nonny

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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bthyb
WiFi Christmas


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quote:
Originally posted by Roadie:
quote:
Originally posted by BeachLife:
Not entirely related, but I just gotta say, I hate the term 'baby-daddy'.

Me, too. It's so...Springerish.
But Babydaddy, the bass player in the Scissor Sisters, is quite excellent. [Big Grin]

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If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.

-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman

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BeachLife
The Bills of St. Mary's


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Just a quick update. I emailed her back suggesting that maybe she was going about it all wrong. And that maybe making it look like a real marriage was a better approach to making it be a real marriage. Meaning a ring and some faked documents and pictures would go a long way and be less comlext. Not suggesting that I be included in that either though.

--------------------
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Jack Dragon, On Being a Dragon
Confessions of a Dragon's scribe
Diary of my Heart Surgery

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Dog Friendly
Carol of the Bills


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You know, here's a thought: What if she's the whack job? Your message makes it clear that she's willing to use deception to escape an uncomfortable situation, so what guarantee have you that she's telling you the truth?

Is it possible this other guy doesn't even exist (well, OK, I realize there is a child involved, which implies...)? Is it possible his communication with her was far more decent and honorable than she's letting you believe? Is it possible she's looking to get you, or someone, to sign a piece of paper assuming 50% responsibility for some financial hole she's dug herself? Or for some other reason? I'm not sure what laws might apply, or what laws she may imagine might apply.

I'd be very wary about getting mixed up with anyone who uses elaborate lies to maneuver their way through life. That's not a winning strategy, however convenient a tactic it may appear.

Dog (Run!) Friendly

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"Nobody ever got stoned and beat up his old lady" -- Spence, snapdragonfly's friend

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Dog Friendly:
I'd be very wary about getting mixed up with anyone who uses elaborate lies to maneuver their way through life. That's not a winning strategy, however convenient a tactic it may appear.

I agree. In fact, it's a strategy that often backfires, not only on those who use it, but on everyone around them.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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Cervus
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Beach, I suggest you back out of this situation immediately. You've already emailed her with alternative options. You don't want the headache and baggage that would come from further manipulation and lying to a "whack job".

If your friend's intent on going through with this scheme, she can find another option or another man to play this game with her. You can remain her friend, but don't get legally involved with anything here. If her ex really is the "whack job" she claims he is, it would probably be in your best interest to avoid him as well. Becoming involved in a sham marriage to this woman - or even a sham engagement - might put you at risk if this guy gets pissed off.

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"There is no constitutional right to sleep with endangered reptiles." -- Carl Hiaasen
Won't somebody please think of the adults!

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strange_little_girl
The First USA Noel


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Wont the womans ex start wondering why the new husband isn't living with the woman and son?

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I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but she isn't allowed to talk
to strangers.

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Amigone201
Happy Holly Days


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If I were you, I'd stay as far from this as possible. In fact, I don't even like the idea of a sham-marriage. It sounds great as a plot for some zany sitcom antics, but in real life, it would be nothing but a headache.

And plan that's "just crazy enough to work!" isn't. Why jump through hoops? She needs to tell him "No, I'm not marrying you, not now, not ever, and leave me alone" and if he won't take no for an answer, get a restraining order. There's no reason to start setting up an episode of I Love Lucy. It will just make everyone's life miserable, for the reasons stated above.

What kind of country would we be if, in 200 years, we hadn't even considered that one person might harass another? Luckily, we have, and there are legal remedies. And none of them involve elaborate charades [Smile]

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Check out my blog! http://fundiewatch.blogspot.com

Posts: 1527 | From: Buffalo, NY | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Cervus
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Amigone put it better than I did:

Is your life a sitcom? A soap opera? No. There's no reason for you to become mixed up in this.

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"There is no constitutional right to sleep with endangered reptiles." -- Carl Hiaasen
Won't somebody please think of the adults!

Posts: 8254 | From: Florida | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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