Topic: What to do about someone else's midlife crisis?
Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
My friend is at her wit's end. She is literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Her husband over the last 18 or so months has gone completely batty and we think he is having a midlife crisis. He seems to have lost his ambition, and at the same time have the crazy disjointed ambition of a teenager. He sets a new goal every month and then gets bored with them. But sometimes he becomes super driven to the point of distraction by them. He seems to get latched on to these goals, and he doesn't seem to care whether or not they are good for the rest of the family, he wants them. Now, normally he is a very nice, compassionate, sane person. So this sort of crazy, selfish, crazy behavior is all the more weird and frankly scary. My friend doesn't know if she should keep rolling with the craziness, or what. I mean, he is the oldest in our group, so no-one else has been through this. Is there a point where a midlife crisis becomes a bigger problem that needs professional attention? Is there anything that a spouse can do to help a person in the middle of a midlife crisis? What can she do to make sure she doesn't go crazy as a result of this? How long can she expect this to last? Will her sane normal husband come back?
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
quote:Originally posted by Rhiandmoi: He seems to have lost his ambition, and at the same time have the crazy disjointed ambition of a teenager. He sets a new goal every month and then gets bored with them. But sometimes he becomes super driven to the point of distraction by them. He seems to get latched on to these goals, and he doesn't seem to care whether or not they are good for the rest of the family, he wants them.
Frankly, that sounds worrying. To me, that seems to less a midlife crisis and more like classic symptoms of a bi polar manic phase. I should point out that I have no medical qualifications and hence the observation comes from witnessing this behaviour in people who were later diagnosed as bi polar.
As with the majority of mental illnesses, it is very difficult to force help on people, they have to seek help themselves. Sadly, one of the major symptoms of the manic phase is itself the inability to realise why people are alarmed by your behaviour.
Difficult to advise - the only thing I can suggest is to investigate whether he is displaying any of the other "classic" symptoms - wild spending sprees is another, for example.
Good luck for your friends. I suspect the only concrete thing you can do is be there to listen.
-------------------- "You watched it. You can't UNWATCH it." Posts: 1646 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2003
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Has he had a thorough checkup? Sudden, drastic, personality changes can result from some medical problems. Not to sound scary, but I think it's a possibility that should be considered.
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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Your friend needs to see a therapist or marriage counselor now. With her hubby if possible, alone if not.
Based on watching two B-I-Ls go through this I'd suggest your friend keep a very close eyes on the family's finances.
-------------------- Ok guys, try to remember this time. It's pillage first, then burn. Posts: 179 | From: Holdrege, NE | Registered: Jan 2006
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Rhiandmoi
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:Originally posted by Lainie: Has he had a thorough checkup? Sudden, drastic, personality changes can result from some medical problems. Not to sound scary, but I think it's a possibility that should be considered.
My friend and I think that there might be a medical component. He's a pretty big guy and he has sleep apnea, but so far he has resisted getting any treatment. Would years of crappy sleep come to head like this?
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
quote:Originally posted by Lainie: Has he had a thorough checkup? Sudden, drastic, personality changes can result from some medical problems. Not to sound scary, but I think it's a possibility that should be considered.
My friend and I think that there might be a medical component. He's a pretty big guy and he has sleep apnea, but so far he has resisted getting any treatment. Would years of crappy sleep come to head like this?
I don't know, but the way you described it really sounded like more than a midlife crisis to me -- especially the parts about getting obsessed with an ambition, and being inconsiderate about it.
Counseling's a good idea, too, but I bet the counselor suggests a checkup, too. Is he resistant to seeing a doctor?
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I would recommend he get a checkup first, then schedule a visit with a therapist if everything checks out medically. Your friend should go with him to the checkup, so that she can describe the symptoms accurately. If he's resistant to seeing a therapist on his own, your friend should ask that they go see one together. I have had friends who have gotten their SOs into counseling that way. He thinks he's indulging her, then once he's there and sees that he's not being blamed for everything, he's more receptive to continuing, either alone or as part of the couple.
Good luck to all of you!
-------------------- Like every good third-in-a-series it contains a whole load of ewoks, ‘Clubber’ Lang, whey-faced Sophia Coppola, Sean Connery as the Pirate Captain’s estranged dad, a crappy CGI alien, and Richard Pryor on a donkey. -- Gideon Defoe Posts: 2211 | From: Harford County, MD | Registered: Oct 2005
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