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Author Topic: MY (and your) ATTORNEY
snopes
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After living what I felt was a "decent" life, my time on earth came to the end. The first thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the waiting room of what I thought to be a courthouse. The doors opened and I was instructed to come in and have a seat by the defense table.

As I looked around I saw the "prosecutor." He was a villainous looking gent who snarled as he stared at me. He definitely was the most evil person I have ever seen. I sat down and looked to my left and there sat My Attorney, a kind and gentle looking man whose appearance seemed so familiar to me, I felt I knew Him.

The corner door flew open and there appeared the Judge in full flowing robes. He commanded an awesome presence as He moved across the room. I couldn't take my eyes off of Him. As He took His seat behind the bench, He said, "Let us begin."

The prosecutor rose and said, "My name is Satan and I am here to show you why this man belongs in hell." He proceeded to tell of lies I told, things I stole, and in the past when I cheated others. Satan told of other horrible perversions once in my life and the more he spoke, the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed, I couldn't look at anyone, even my own Attorney, as the Devil told of sins even I completely forgotten about. As upset as I was at Satan for telling all these things about me, I was equally upset at My Attorney who sat there silently not offering any form of defense at all. I know I was guilty of those things, but I did some good in my life - couldn't that at least equal out part of the harm I'd done?

Satan finished with a fury and said, "This man belongs in hell, he is guilty of all I have charged and there is not a person who can prove otherwise."

When it was His turn, My Attorney first asked if He might approach the bench. The Judge allowed this over the strong objection of Satan, and beckoned Him to come forward. As He got up and started walking, I was able to see Him in His full splendor and majesty. I realized why He seemed so familiar; this was Jesus representing me, my Lord and my Savior.

He stopped at the bench and softly said to the Judge, "Hi, Dad," then He turned to address the court. "Satan was correct in saying this man sinned, I won't deny any of these allegations. And, yes, the wage of sin is death, and this man deserves to be punished."

Jesus took a deep breath and turned to His Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed, "However, I died on the cross so this person might have eternal life and he accepted Me as his Savior, so he is Mine."

My Lord continued with, "His name is written in the Book of Life and no one can snatch him from Me. Satan still does not understand yet. This man is not to be given justice, but rather mercy."

As Jesus sat down, He quietly paused, looked at His Father and said, "There is nothing else that needs to be done. I've done it all."

The Judge lifted His mighty hand and slammed the gavel down. The following words bellowed from His lips... "This man is free The penalty for him was already paid in full. Case dismissed"

As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan ranting and raving, "I won't give up, I will win the next one."

I asked Jesus as He gave me my instructions where to go next, "Have you ever lost a case?" Christ lovingly smiled and said, "Everyone that comes to Me and asked Me to represent them, received the same verdict as you, "PAID IN FULL."

If you do not pass this along to family and friends , absolutely nothing will happen. Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend, will bless you both.

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Cowboy Joe
Deck the Malls


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Not that looking for logic in glurge is ever a good idea, but if Satan were any kind of prosecutor, he would have asked God to recuse himself since his son was the defense attorney. Wouldn't he?

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Artemis
The First USA Noel


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I call nepotism!

This also makes absolutely no sense. Going to jail for committing a crime isn't like going through a tollbooth. You can't just get off because someone's okay with serving their time for you.

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"You can't play Electro-magnetic Golf according to the rules of Centrifugal Bumble Puppy."
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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Wow, this one wasn't even anywhere near original. I remember hearing this story in my Pentecostal days. No cite, but I first heard this story (or a version thereof) at least 15 years ago during a church sermon.

quote:
After living what I felt was a "decent" life, my time on earth came to the end.
I'm rather annoyed by this beyond-the-grave-style narrative. It irritates me to no end for some reason.

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People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

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diddy
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Ive seen this one before. All Satan has to do is call an objection and ask that Jesus be removed from the case since the judge is obviously biased toward his own son.

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W.W.F.S.M.D?
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NZUL
Deck the Malls


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From here: https://cia.gov/cia//publications/factbook/geos/us.html

USA has 298,444,215 inhabitants. The death rate is 8.26 per 1,000. This makes 2,465,147 deaths per year. This makes 6,753 deaths per day. That's 281 people every single hour. Over four people a minute.

Granted, they're not all Christian. But then, that's only the USA.

Wonder what the backlog is on those court appointments? [Wink]

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"We don't keep a certified whale-vomit expert on staff." - Larry Penny, Director, Natural Resources Department, Town of East Hampton

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Amigone201
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
As I looked around I saw the "prosecutor." He was a villainous looking gent who snarled as he stared at me. He definitely was the most evil person I have ever seen.
How do you know that? He may have LOOKED like the most evil person you had ever seen, but you can't tell just from looking at him that he is, in fact, evil.
quote:
I sat down and looked to my left and there sat My Attorney, a kind and gentle looking man whose appearance seemed so familiar to me, I felt I knew Him.
Well you damn well ought to! If he's representing you, I should hope you'd have met with him a few times.
quote:
The corner door flew open and there appeared the Judge in full flowing robes. He commanded an awesome presence as He moved across the room. I couldn't take my eyes off of Him. As He took His seat behind the bench, He said, "Let us begin."
You didn't stand up when the judge entered. That's really poor courtroom etiquette.
quote:
The prosecutor rose and said, "My name is Satan and I am here to show you why this man belongs in hell."
Yes, naturally, the prosecutor is Satan. Laugh it up, why don't you? Then try and imagine a world with no prosecutors; would you want to live there?
quote:
He proceeded to tell of lies I told, things I stole, and in the past when I cheated others. Satan told of other horrible perversions once in my life and the more he spoke, the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed, I couldn't look at anyone, even my own Attorney, as the Devil told of sins even I completely forgotten about.
Objection, your honor, what the hell does Prosecution think he's doing? I'd like to hear from some witnesses please; lawyers don't get to testify and call it evidence.
quote:
As upset as I was at Satan for telling all these things about me, I was equally upset at My Attorney who sat there silently not offering any form of defense at all.
Well that's because it's not his turn, dumbass. The prosecution goes first.
quote:
I know I was guilty of those things, but I did some good in my life - couldn't that at least equal out part of the harm I'd done?
I don't know, that's for a jury to decide.
quote:

Satan finished with a fury and said, "This man belongs in hell, he is guilty of all I have charged and there is not a person who can prove otherwise."

That's great, now he's closing before the defense has had a chance to speak. Lovely.
quote:
When it was His turn, My Attorney first asked if He might approach the bench. The Judge allowed this over the strong objection of Satan, and beckoned Him to come forward.
Mistrial!
quote:
He stopped at the bench and softly said to the Judge, "Hi, Dad,"
MISTRIAL!!!!
quote:
then He turned to address the court. "Satan was correct in saying this man sinned, I won't deny any of these allegations. And, yes, the wage of sin is death, and this man deserves to be punished."
Way to torpedo your case, there, Perry Mason.
quote:
Jesus took a deep breath and turned to His Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed, "However, I died on the cross so this person might have eternal life and he accepted Me as his Savior, so he is Mine."
Objection, relevance, and assumes facts not in evidence.
quote:
My Lord continued with, "His name is written in the Book of Life and no one can snatch him from Me. Satan still does not understand yet. This man is not to be given justice, but rather mercy."
But you just said he deserved to be punished. Now Jesus is changing his mind? And by the way, when was Jesus going to call a witness?
quote:
As Jesus sat down, He quietly paused, looked at His Father and said, "There is nothing else that needs to be done. I've done it all."
Objection, facts not in evidence. And don't address the court while sitting. What the hell kind of lawyer are you?
quote:
The Judge lifted His mighty hand and slammed the gavel down. The following words bellowed from His lips... "This man is free The penalty for him was already paid in full. Case dismissed"
Ah, great. No jury. Apparently the stakes of eternal salvation are so low you get a bench trial.
quote:
As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan ranting and raving, "I won't give up, I will win the next one."
Not until you learn Rule 1 about courtroom procedure.
quote:

I asked Jesus as He gave me my instructions where to go next, "Have you ever lost a case?" Christ lovingly smiled and said, "Everyone that comes to Me and asked Me to represent them, received the same verdict as you, "PAID IN FULL."

I bet when Johnnie Cochran passed through he represented himself and won, though.
quote:
If you do not pass this along to family and friends , absolutely nothing will happen.
Sweet! Trash bin it is!

GAH, can you guys tell that as a law student, people mangling courtroom procedure really gets my goat?? If you don't know what you're talking about, don't talk!

Edited to fix some typos.

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Shoebox
I Saw Three Shipments


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Amigone, I for one bow in appreciation of your irritated-law-student-ness. That was great.

quote:
Jesus took a deep breath and turned to His Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed, "However, I died on the cross so this person might have eternal life and he accepted Me as his Savior, so he is Mine."
Oh, brother. Apparently Jesus is auditioning for a guest shot as the Disturbed Idealist of the Week on Law & Order.

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"Want you to know that if I had been there and they had of cooked you, I would not of eaten any." - Porkypine, Pogo

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Amigone201
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Shoebox:
Amigone, I for one bow in appreciation of your irritated-law-student-ness. That was great.


Thank you very much! I knew this damn education I'm getting was gonna come in handy sooner or later [Smile]

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Check out my blog! http://fundiewatch.blogspot.com

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Sharpened Steel
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Along with the things other people posted about nepotism, this story is completely worthless. It's meant to be suspenseful, but the way it's written completely negates that.

*My Attorney* *Him* *the Judge*

Um, hello? If you capitalize the words in the beginning, we already know it's gonna be Jesus and God and you(the narrator) just look stupid for not realizing it too.

Edited to change "either" to "too"

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Get used to his bad habits and decide whether you can put up with them...the rest of your life. 'Cause if you don't, then one day, you find yourself in the shed, sharpening the axe and idly wondering how thick the human skull really is.
-ChickyBee

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DadOf3
Jingle Bell Hock


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I noticed the same thing about the capitalization, Sharpened Steel.

One question, Amigone201: why would you assume that courtroom procedure in Heaven would have to resemble that in the USA in any way at all?

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Kahuna Burger
I Saw Three Shipments


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"paid in full" obviously refers to the bribes the defense attorny has been giving the judge all these years... I think I saw this one on Law and Order.

(I think the story would be more interesting if the proscecutor was God the Father in his hyperjudemental OT phase with jesus as he defense and the holy spirit as judge.)

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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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Amigone201, you forgot to point out that no one had been sworn in.

But if you aren't saved by Jesus, then isn't God the one who will cast you into eternal damnation? So He is judge, jury, and executioner. Also, since He is the one who wrote the laws in the first place, He is legislative, executive, and judicial all rolled into one (three?). I think I saw this in about a dozen bad movies set in an isolated Southern US county. And why is the prosecutor also the head jailer?

Heaven needs some checks and balances here.

Also, if there is a mistrial worthy mistake, who do you appeal to for a higher court ruling?

This glurge would be better if the dead guy had been found guilty and sentenced to burn forever in Hell. But the Judge gave him a suspended sentence because Jesus had served a suspended sentence [Smile]

Gen "So evil I'll get shanked in the Purgatory holding cell even before booking" Yus

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Hubert Cumberdale
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Maybe this whole trial thing was more of a screw you to Satan and not really standard procedure.

I can see them calling Satan up to Heaven with a promise of a new system of dealing with souls where he gets to present his case for sending them to Hell rather than giving God all the say.
Satan was probably thrilled and put on his best suit, got a nice haircut (sure he still looked like the most evil person who ever lived but he's Satan, he did the best he could with what he had), and arrived early, happy to finally have some kind of say in the whole afterlife thing. He had seen so many people get off from horrible sins just because they accepted Jesus on their deathbed while other pretty decent people who didn't accept Jesus were sent to Hell for something a small as working on Sunday. Now was his chance! He would finally bring fairness to the process. Then he gets there and the whole thing is just an elaborate joke God and Jesus set up.

It's actually pretty irresponsible for them to use this guy as a pawn just to punk Satan.

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BringTheNoise
Xboxing Day


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It's also a pretty low thing for a so-called "loving God" to do. With all the forgiveness apparently going around, you'd think He'd be able to get over somethign that happened so long ago.

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"The United States Government: significantly less cruel and sadistic than the Taliban." - Dara

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ericsmom
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by Kahuna Burger:
"paid in full" obviously refers to the bribes the defense attorny has been giving the judge all these years... I think I saw this one on Law and Order.
(

I love a good Law and Order glurge. Too bad we couldn't fit Jerry Orbach in it. Now, that would be great!

erics "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" mom

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FullMetal
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by NZUL:
From here: https://cia.gov/cia//publications/factbook/geos/us.html

USA has 298,444,215 inhabitants. The death rate is 8.26 per 1,000. This makes 2,465,147 deaths per year. This makes 6,753 deaths per day. That's 281 people every single hour. Over four people a minute.

Granted, they're not all Christian. But then, that's only the USA.

Wonder what the backlog is on those court appointments? [Wink]

That's ok, you have eternity to wait...

Frankly the way christians go on about the power of being saved, you'd be able to skip this whole procedure, and fill out a form, saying that you accepted Christ and done... no day in court, rubber stamp and away you go. There are much more efficent ways than to get satan to study the lives of everybody. I imagine some people's lives would take a few months to read every sin. and since God is infintely powerful, he'd be able to accept those rapidly... making this glurge completely pointless.

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Zamboni_Rodeo
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Shoebox:
quote:
Jesus took a deep breath and turned to His Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed, "However, I died on the cross so this person might have eternal life and he accepted Me as his Savior, so he is Mine."
Oh, brother. Apparently Jesus is auditioning for a guest shot as the Disturbed Idealist of the Week on Law & Order.
Either that, or Jesus was doing a Scott Stapp impersonation.

--Zamboni "I thought Stapp thought he was Jesus, not the other way around" Rodeo

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Ink Rose
Deck the Malls


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Huzzzzza huzzzzaa huzz MMMMPH! *mouth glued shut by gathering saliva* This is so... This is the first time in my life when I felt like saying, "Boy, Satan sure got he raw end of the deal here."

I mean, sheesh. Could you image if real courts were like this? We'd all be murdered in our beds.

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Dragon's Jewel
I Saw Three Shipments


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Glurges like this must be completely incomprehensible to a Catholic. (I'm assuming, as I haven't been to a Catholic church in many, many years). I mean, Jesus is supposed to be an extension of God... sort of... so why is hebothering to participate in an elaborate trial? You'd think that the outcome would basically be decided beforehand.

Poor Satan. My parents would have a heart attack and keel right over if they heard me say this, but I really feel bad for the guy sometimes. Not just in this glurge, I mean the guy probably hasn't won a trial in *years*, but in general. I've never seen someone that gets lambasted for every selfish, childish, outlandish, and basically every ish thing that humans can come up with, and why? Because he was a little jealous. What little kid hasn't felt the exact same way when they found out they they were getting a brand new sibling? Someone needs a break!

Dragon's "I'm just sayin'" Jewel

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Tyger, Tyger burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Hath framed thy fearful symmetry?

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Pogue Ma-humbug
Happy Christmas (Malls are Open)


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quote:
Originally posted by Amigone201:
Not until you learn Rule 1 about courtroom procedure.

Isn't Rule 1: Pay your attorney?

Pogue

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Let's drink to the causes in your life:
Your family, your friends, the union, your wife.

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Pogue Ma-humbug
Happy Christmas (Malls are Open)


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quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
Amigone201, you forgot to point out that no one had been sworn in.

But is that really necessary in a heavenly court? Wouldn't the judge know if you were lying?

And how would the oath go, So help me, you?

Pogue

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Let's drink to the causes in your life:
Your family, your friends, the union, your wife.

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Amigone201
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Pogue Ma-humbug:
quote:
Originally posted by Amigone201:
Not until you learn Rule 1 about courtroom procedure.

Isn't Rule 1: Pay your attorney?
Not till it's over. And even then, you only pay if you're not indigent.

quote:
Originally posted by DadOf3:
One question, Amigone201: why would you assume that courtroom procedure in Heaven would have to resemble that in the USA in any way at all?

Well, according to this glurge, it already resembles it. The judge wears robes, they have a "defense" and a "prosecution." I suppose it could have been written to be purposely different, but I think it's a lot more likely that it's written by some moron who doesn't know what he's talking about.

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Rhysdux
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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I also love the presumption that the defendant is necessarily Christian. After all, it's not as if anyone who wasn't a Christian could possibly prefer another defense attorney.
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Barbara R.
Deck the Malls


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This glurge is supposed to be a modernized version of "Judgment Day." The Bible is full of references to the "Last Judgment." One is in Revelation, chapter 20 where it mentions the "Great White Throne" judgment, and how the dead all stand before God. This is where the Book of Life is mentioned.

The problem with this kind of glurge is that the judicial system is much different than it was 2,000 years ago in Judea and the rest of the Roman empire. There was no trial by jury. That came into being about 1,200 years later.

I recall a story I read in a fundamentalist Christian magazine for teens about 36 years ago. It was Judgment Day, only the Christian on trial was confronted with her "disobedience to the 'Great Commission'" of Matthew 28 and Mark 16. She failed to tell others the Gospel. This story even had "lost sinners" who knew the Christian girl during her life testify against her, saying that she never told them about Christ. One witness even exclaims, "Now I must spend all eternity in Hell." (???) The tale ends by saying, "The outcome will be left up to God Almighty on the real Day of Judgment." That story really blew my mind.

These stories and glurges are all so unrealistic!

Barbara R.

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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Barbara R.:
These stories and glurges are all so unrealistic!

You mean they don't happen to you on a regular basis? I was lucky I had Jesus in my rolodex. He helped me beat that drug rap the other week!

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People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

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Tyrone Slothrop
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Next, on NBC, one of the most suspenseful shows in a long time: Law and Order: WWJD.

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"The universe works on a math equation that never even ever really even ends in the end"

Posts: 32 | From: Colorado | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Reglurgitation!

Trish "Forgive me, snopes, for I have sinned" DaDish

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I would prefer not to.
My blog

Posts: 4789 | From: Rhode Island | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
   

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