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Author Topic: Seminary Glurge
Viliphied
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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SEMINARY DONUTS

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending Seminary in Utah. In this Seminary, classes are held during school hours.

Brother Christianson taught Seminary at this particular school. He had an open-door policy and would take in any student that had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules. Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's Seminary class.

Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just seconds before the bell rang and he would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the class was over.

One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't you?"

Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."

Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many push-ups can you do?"

Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."

"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said. "Do you think you could do 300?"

Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."

"Do you think you could?" asked Brother Christianson again.

"Well, I can try," said Steve.

"Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it," Brother Christianson said.

Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."

Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on Friday."

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room.

When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited-it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend.

Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked,

"Cynthia, do you want a donut?"

Cynthia said, "Yes."

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"

Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia's desk.

Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe do you want a donut?"

Joe said, "Yes."

Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?"

Steve did ten push-ups; Joe got a donut.

And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their donut. And down the second aisle, till Bro. Christianson came to Scott.

Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?" Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"

Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."

Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"

Steve started to do ten pushups.

Scott said, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!"

Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry.

Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"

Jenny said, "No."

Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?"

Steve did ten; Jenny got a donut.

By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely.

Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row. During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro. Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"

Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well, they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want." And Bro. Christianson went on.

A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay out!"

Jason didn't know what was going on. Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."

Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him."

Steve said, "Yes, let him come in."

Bro. Christianson said, "Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?"

"Yes."

"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?"

Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.

Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face and, by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.

The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut?

Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you."

Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?"

Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for Linda.

Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan. "Susan, do you want a donut?"

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, "Bro. Christianson , can I help him?"

Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to do it alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have a donut?"

As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him, and he fell to the floor.

Brother Christianson turned to the room and said. "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the Father, "Into thy hands I commend my Spirit." With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, he collapsed on the cross and died. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten."

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"I used to think I was a little unstable, then I met every girl I've ever dated." -- Mike Birbiglia

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Doug4.7
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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So, did Steve die in the end?

--------------------
And now for something completely different...

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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I find myself surprised to be feeling this way, but I think that this glurge was very well-written. I actually read it to the end without vomiting, and it made sense, and it got its point across nicely. And I'll admit that I even felt a twinge of "feel-good" at the end.

For once, I give it a 10/10.

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"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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Genetic Mishap
Fighting Irish Stew


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quote:
Originally posted by Viliphied:

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"

"Not if he doesn't want it!", said Scott, who then took a brief break and deprived Bro. Christianson of the point to his psycho morality play.

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Genetic Mishap...when Darwin's Theory meets Murphy's Law.

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robinsonjeffersfan
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Who was that stand up which had the joke about Jesus' abs?
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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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That's Greg Behrendt.

Also...

Reglurgitation

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I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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winegums
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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quote:
Originally posted by MapleLeaf:
For once, I give it a 10/10.

i disagree. to be honest from the first part i was expecting "rough kid turns good after kindly teacher believes hin him", but instead was greeted by a story that forgets some key differences between this kid and jesus. Also the highlighting of certain kids being leaders of football teams and cheerleaders did nothing for the story...who were they meant to represent?
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Aussie Girl
Deck the Malls


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When I read this, I thought: What the? Huh? I don't get it! What the hell is this about?

This was followed by some sort of: Ooohhhh, so that's it! Right, Brother Christianson (very creative name, that!) wants to make a point to his class by using the *tough* kid (who is actually following the rules) as his patsy. And this same *tough* kid is happy to let more work pile up on him as more kids come in, not wanting donuts that he has to do push-ups for anyway! Right. Gotcha. BullNFBSK.

And after the first few refused a donut and he Steve STILL had to do the pushups, kids being kids, they're probably just going to take those donuts and eat them, since they're sitting their just begging to be eaten anyway!

quote:
Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely.

Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row. During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro. Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

So he also realises that, just maybe, he's asking Steve to do too much, but he has such an important message to get out, he keeps Steve right on working, even though he can no longer watch Steve himself. Bastard. If he set the work, he should be willing to watch what his "lesson" is doing to the poor guy who's actually doing some work!

I'm done. And I hope this makes some sort of sense.

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You have just been involved in a drive-by posting.

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Chimera
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I got the Bastard message too. I would've protest by throwing my dougnut in the sick NFBSKerds face. What a horrible little lesson. Did a snopester write this as a joke? In fact if anyone forced food on me that I didn't want I'd throw it in their face, the forced suffering upon a human just makes it that much worse. I know the point they were trying to make but I thought sick NFBSK, and sick drone NFBSkers (for both the kid and the class) thoughout the whole thing. I'm not the most compasionate of folk but I wouldn't stand silently by, even if it would save my eternal soul or earn me a doughnut (and I do enjoy doughnuts). I think that's the lesson I learned... how well would you enjoy your doughnut (or salvation) if you know the price paid for it? In my opinion not very much. I'd rather burn in hell than have society kill off others, even if they are religious. I ain't that freaking shallow to say "torture him to save me". What a piece of complete crap. Some of this stuff I think was written by atheist... this got be back on that bandwagon. No, I never believed in a deity but this is just evil. Although I'd gladly sacrifice a hundred gods to save one human. Hell I'd sacrafice a god to save a pig... then again I don't like pork.

Riv (a human life is equal to a dougnut... good lesson) lyn

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"The question for joining the protected forum for real magicians should be:

What is the use of women?"
Steve W. from JREF's 'This is no fun'

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Dr. Dave
Frosty the Pitchman


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It was prety good, but the point was telegraphed- kid suffering for others is J.C. I did not foresee the "gift is left unused" until he said it- nice touch.

However, sorry, cannot give it a 10/10, because I was too distracted by the second sentence:

quote:
In this Seminary, classes are held during school hours.
[Confused]
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Chimera
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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The only message I got was its ok to torture and kill someone if it means you can get your "cookie". And even if you don't want your meaningless treat you should stand slient by, watch, and take the sweet, then let it rot. Hell, if you already didn't do anything about abuse you were witness to, why would you care about being wasteful? Once you proved yourself to be an incompastionate bastard who cares?

Was that any more clear than my first attempt? I personally think they should all rot in hell. The teacher being the abuser, the students not doing anything and even in some cases encouraging the abuse, and the victim for submiting himself to it and not fighting "the man"... who IMHO he had to know was cruel and evil. I think it might actually represtent xian view but I think they show its a very scarry thing. Although its at least good to know that good xians will kill off the unwanted strays, that way the rest of us won't have to worry about dealing with them. And the church says give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, and we'll kill them off for you.

--------------------
"The question for joining the protected forum for real magicians should be:

What is the use of women?"
Steve W. from JREF's 'This is no fun'

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Spamamander in a pear tree
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by Dr. Dave:
I
However, sorry, cannot give it a 10/10, because I was too distracted by the second sentence:

quote:
In this Seminary, classes are held during school hours.
[Confused]
I see what you are saying about that sentence... of course classes are held during school hours... [dunce]

A slight hijack here though, big pet peeve of mine when I was in high school. I had enough credits to graduate HS by the end of my sophomore year or so, but I was unable to get out of a full day of school or any free periods until my senior year when I went half a day until lunch during the second half of the year.

However- the Mormon students were permitted to attend "seminary" class, DURING THE SCHOOL DAY, at a building just off-campus. What the NFBSK? They get to go to a religious course during the public school day? And how many kids simply didn't show up? Just grrrrrrr.

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"There is a race between mankind and the universe. Mankind is trying to build bigger, better, faster, and more foolproof machines. The universe is trying to build bigger, better, and faster fools. So far the universe is winning." -Albert Einstein

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Communication Attempt
Jingle Bell Hock


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The whole bully becomes nice kid scenario is just too glurgy for me.He doesn't even question Christianson.

Spamamander,the exact opposite happened to me in elementary school.I was in a christian course where we had to study the bible and pray while the non-christian kids when to a "Morals and ethics" class where they would mostly spend their time playing games.

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"I love God,he's so deliciously evil!" -Stewie,Family Guy

The fun thing about standards is that they come in so many varieties.

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Mouse
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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I thought this was stupid. If it was truly a metaphor about Christ's sacrifice, the donuts would be left on the teachers desk unguarded so that if anyone wanted one, they could go up and get one for themselves. No fanfare whatsoever.

But I guess Revelation 3:20 is one of those unchristian bible verses I hear so much about. [Roll Eyes]

quote:
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.


--------------------
"You see? The mysteries of the Universe are revealed when you break stuff." Coop from MegasXLR

"I distrust who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." -- Susan B. Anthony

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futureshock
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Well, I agree with some of the other posters. For glurge, that was actually an enjoyable read.

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TXST - 2005 SLC Football Champs!!!!

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JoFo
Joy to the world, the Wii has come.


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"Abuse" and "torture" are harsh words. The teacher asked Steve beforehand if he could do the push-ups and he said he could. During the demonstration, the teacher asked Steve if he would like to do the push-ups and he always agreed to. He even encouraged the class to let another student in. Don't get me wrong, what the teacher did was immoral, but Steve wanted to be tough and brought the work upon himself for the most part.

Anyways, I generally thought it was a well-written piece, but I have a gripe of my own. What's with all of the crying? Getting angry at the situation is reasonable, but I find it hard to believe that this would bring everyone in class to tears.

Jo "when they saw the glurge in their inbox, there wasn't a dry eye in the house" Fo

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I'm not paranoid, I'm just surrounded by enemies!

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TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, "Bro. Christianson , can I help him?"

Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to do it alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have a donut?"

When I read this, I thought he'd let her help Steve somehow, and use that as an example of when Simon carried the cross for Jesus (Mark 15:21 - "And they compelled a passer-by, Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, the father of Alexander and Rufus, to carry his cross.")

Guess Bro. Christianson didn't think that far ahead in his mindnfbsk games.

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I would prefer not to.
My blog

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chipphaha
"Repaint and thin no more!"


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I wonder where Christianson got the extra donuts? If he was planning on giving fancy donuts to his class wouldn't he just get the minimum amount for them. Maybe they were for later so he could have heathen unpush-uped for donuts, or they were gonna be a reward for Steve but he gave it away. Now thats just mean.
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snapdragonfly
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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I just kind of felt sorry for the guy!

I didn't find this nearly as objectionable as most glurges, either. I agree that wtf? with the sadistic teacher, but the unwanted donuts was kinda poignant.

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"Wolves, dragons and vampires, man. Draw the nut-bars like big ol' nut-bar magnets." ~evilrabbit

(snurched because one of my nutbar family members is all about wolves and another one is all about dragons...)(with apologies to surfcitydogdad)

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YudanTaiteki
Deck the Malls


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The one thing I've wondered about the glurge is why it takes place in "seminary" -- it's almost as if the author didn't know what that word meant and thought it was just any religious school. Do people really get kicked out of class so that "no teacher wants them" in *seminary*?
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Robofication, Lightly Roasted
Jingle Bell Hock


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I actually heard this one during "Bible Study" when I was young.

Actually, it was told by the leader of the Bible study to a group of burly teenaged boys (somehow, the girls were in a different Bible study--most likely learning how to be good Christian girls)

I was the only non-FCA member (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) in the room. Being a Humanist and in the Theatre, I don't think this story was meant for me.

I think it catered to the big, burly Christian who can prove his love of the lord through benching his weight, or playing football, or some other nonsense.

Also, this explains where the football and cheerleader references come in.

And I agree, the metaphor is off. It's much like Gibson's "Passion of the Christ"--showing the pain, torture, etc., and expecting people to convert or feel the love of Jesus through watching his (or his proxy's) pain.

To quote South Park, "It's just a 2 hour snuff film." Same with this glurge.

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"As convenient as it may be, it's time I started taking responsibility for the messes I've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy"

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YudanTaiteki
Deck the Malls


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This glurge also reminds me of the scene in Full Metal Jacket where the whole unit has to do pushups so that Pyle can eat his jelly donut.
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