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Author Topic: Smoke Out the Atheists
Amigone201
Happy Holly Days


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Imagine this happening to you...

One Sunday morning during mass, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying submachine guns.

One of the men proclaimed,
"Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are."

Immediately, the choir fled...

the deacons fled...

and most of the congregation fled....

Out of the 2,000 there only

remained around 20.

The man who had spoken took off his hood...

He then looked at the preist and said "Okay Father, I got rid of all the hypocrites... Now you may begin your service. Have a nice
day!"

And the two men turned and walked out.

TOO DEEP TO NOT PASS ON...

*Funny how simple it is for people to trash God ..

and then wonder why the world is in the condition it is today....

*Funny how we believe what the newspapers say...

but question what the Bible says...

*Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven...

provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.

or is it scary?

*Funny how someone can say "I believe in God"...

but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes"in God).

*Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire...

but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, you think twice about sharing.

*Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace...

but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and work place.

*Funny, isn't it? Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday...

but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.

Are you laughing?

Are you thinking?

Will you share this with people you care about?

Or not?

I picked you guys~

May the Lord bless you and keep you,

And be gracious to you;

And give you His peace.


post this if you believe in God

No bad things will happen to you if you don't, you aren't going to get struck by lightning, denied before god, and no creepy little girl is going to crawl out from under your bed and stab you tongiht.

It's just as simple as reposting something...

--------------------
Check out my blog! http://fundiewatch.blogspot.com

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mags
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by Amigone201:
*Funny how we believe what the newspapers say...

but question what the Bible says...

Funny how the newspaper uses reporters on the scene, and publishes corrections...
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Paul Ortego
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:

Out of the 2,000 there only

remained around 20.

The man who had spoken took off his hood...

He then looked at the preist and said "Okay Father, I got rid of all the hypocrites... Now you may begin your service. Have a nice
day!"

And the two men turned and walked out.

You call them hypocrits, I'd call them smart people. Call me weak willed, but if someone asked me to take a bullet for atheism, I'd get the hell out of there.

And what's with the

weird paragraphs?

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Ariadne
Deck the Malls


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quote:
*Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace...

but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and work place.

Um...last I checked, the "lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene" were frowned upon in the workplace. This isn't really a fair comparison.

--------------------
saxea ut effigies bacchantis prospicit eheu | prospicit et magnis curarum fluctuat undis
-Catullus

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
*Funny how simple it is for people to trash God ..

and then wonder why the world is in the condition it is today....

Funny how I've never noticed too many people trashing God. Certainly not any believers. Or is the glurge writer doing the "Christians are a persecuted majority" schtick?
quote:
*Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven...

provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.

or is it scary?

Everyone wants to go to Heaven, nobody's in a hurry to get there. -Traditional Irish saying
quote:
*Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire...

but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, you think twice about sharing.

The glurge writers don't even think once about sharing their glurge.
quote:
*Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace...

but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and work place.

I was right. He's whining about the "War against Christianity."

--------------------
Ad astra per asparagus.

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Samantha Vimes
Jingle Bell Hock


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20 out of 2000 didn't run... probably the ones who came in wheelchairs, or with walkers, or guide dogs. I don't think it's too much to think that 1% probably *couldn't* run out of there.

This glurge also forgot to note that the cops were waiting outside and arrested the jackasses threatening people with machine guns. @ @

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Salamander
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Amigone201:
Imagine this happening to you...

One Sunday morning during mass, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying submachine guns.

One of the men proclaimed,
"Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are."

Immediately, the choir fled...

the deacons fled...

and most of the congregation fled....

Out of the 2,000 there only

remained around 20.

SMALLTOWN, Glurgeville (Reuters) -- A bizarre attempt to separate the faithful from the hypocritical in a local congregation has resulted in a deadly outcome.

Two armed & masked men entered the Church and told those inside to leave immediately, unless they were prepared to "take a bullet for Christ".

In the ensuing panic caused by what most believed was a terrorist act, 13 people were killed and another 400 injured -- 80 of which are in a critical condition -- as nearly 2000 people attempted to flee the scene in what onlookers described as "a massive stampede".

The two men dressed as terrorists, and the priest who orchestrated the "demonstration", are currently being held by police on charges relating to inciting mass panic and 13 counts of manslaughter although the final number of fatalities is expected to rise over the next few days.

Officials from the Church of St Glurge have issued a statement condoning the actions of the priest, "There is a War on Chrisitianity going on out there and the Church of St Glurge has a responsibility to carry out whatever manner of ridiculous and incomprehensible acts are required to protect the faithful".

ETF: Vague attempt at improving grammar and readability in general.

--------------------
"victory thru self-deception"

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Doug4.7
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Obviously, a Yankee church.

Down South here, all the folks with the "concealed carry" weapons would have opened fire and the two "gunmen" would be dead before they hit the ground.

Of course, several other church members would have died from “friendly fire”, but the gunmen would be dead (and that's what counts).

Have a nice day, ya hear?

--------------------
And now for something completely different...

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Ganzfeld
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Doug4.7, a bloobath in the church? Sounds great. Can you have the script rewrite on my desk by 4pm Wednesday? I want to get a producer before the summer. Try to keep the violence borderline PG-13 this time.
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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I know I've seen this before, but I can't remember where. Couldn't find it in a search on this site, so it must harken back to my Pentecostal days.

quote:
No bad things will happen to you if you don't, you aren't going to get struck by lightning, denied before god, and no creepy little girl is going to crawl out from under your bed and stab you tongiht.
No, a little girl won't.

But Canuckistan suddenly has some evil ideas. And friends in security offices, too.

--------------------
People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

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Em
Happy Holly Days


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Reglurgitation, and again

Edited to remove a link which was apparently doing weird stuff. If you want to see the cached page it was supposed to link to, stick snopes "a bullet for Christ" into Google and it's the first one which comes up (title: Yay! A new glurge). The page itself is dead, but the cached copy is there for anyone who feels like reading it.

--------------------
What the NFBSK does YOMANK mean?

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BlueStar
Happy Holly Days


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No one does glurge like Christians do glurge.
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Samantha Vimes
Jingle Bell Hock


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Oh, and one other thing, "take a bullet for Christ"? He's dead, man, what good would taking a bullet for him do? If you're a true believer, that's just one more hole for stigmata to bleed from.
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GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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Besides all that, aren't the 1880 people who ran the ones that *really* need to hear the preacher's message? The 20 who remained already believe, so you'd be preaching to the choir there (so to speak).

--------------------
IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

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Communication Attempt
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by Amigone201:


*Funny, isn't it? Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday...

but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.


What?You mean Christians have the superpower to become invisible?I am so converting now!  -


And about taking a bullet for Christ,didn't he die te cleanse our sins and save humanity?So taking a bullet for him would really mean condemning everyone to Hell

--------------------
"I love God,he's so deliciously evil!" -Stewie,Family Guy

The fun thing about standards is that they come in so many varieties.

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LeaflessMapleTree
The twelve shopping days 'til Christmas


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quote:
Originally posted by GenYus:
Besides all that, aren't the 1880 people who ran the ones that *really* need to hear the preacher's message? The 20 who remained already believe, so you'd be preaching to the choir there (so to speak).

quote:
Immediately, the choir fled...

Not really [Smile]

--------------------
"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."
-Silas Sparkhammer

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Ganzfeld
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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You only can't see them in the mirror.
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Major D. Saster
The First USA Noel


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The 1880 who ran away have nothing to be ashamed of. After all (if I remember what I've been taught at sunday school), even the great St. Peter, when faced with certain arrest and execution, chose the safe way and denied to be one of Jesus' followers (3 times, at that). So the example comes from high above.

For the remaining 20, it was a clear case of "holier-than-thou" attitude... if this tall story's true at all.

--------------------
Desperate, but not serious.

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NobbyNobbs
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Amigone201:
*Funny how someone can say "I believe in God"...

but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes"in God).


Funny how a group who believes in an all-powerful, all-good God also believes that Satan is allowed to exist.....

--------------------
Back in the days before electricity, we were forced to watch TV by candlelight.

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reflex
Jingle Bell Hock


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Doesn't this kind of defeat the whole point of church? Why am I constantly being bombarded by stupid Jack Chick tracts? Why are people trying to save me if the only people welcome at church are the ones who are willing to take a bullet for Christ?

--------------------
The opinions expressed herein do not represent those of any rational human being and are solely for the purpose of entertainment.

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Blatherskite
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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I'm all for the idea of sacrificing yourself for what you believe in (as a concept, I mean, but rarely in practise), but not when it wouldn't make the slightest difference. Surely nobody believes that Jesus wants them shot... nobody who doesn't think tinfoil headwear is the latest must-have accessory, anyway. The people who did a runner could go on to perform numerous Good Deeds, while the people who stayed were willing to make the smug, purposeless gesture.

I was hoping for this to be glurge about the dangers of letting priests play too many violent video games.

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BlushingBride
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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What a stupid, stupid story.

If armed gunmen came into my church on Sunday, you bet I'd be running. But not because I'm a hypocrite. Because I'd be getting my loved ones out of there, along with any stray children or slow moving old or sick people we can find.

Seriously. Jesus wants us to be faithful and do good works, not sit in pews singing Kum By Yah while we all get machine gunned in his name. Stupid, stupid story.

--------------------
"In perfume, as in underwear, the scantiest of applications provides the greatest of returns." -Silas Sparkhammer

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Barbara R.
Deck the Malls


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I have heard this story over and over again for the past 30+ years.

I first read about it in one of Hal Lindsey's books in 1974, I think. Lindsey relates an account which he attributed to Corrie ten Boom when she travelled to Eastern European communist country. Most versions place the event in Russia.

I just heard this story related by the Rev. Dr. D. James Kennedy on his Sunday morning program from his Coral Ridge (FL) Presbyterian Church yesterday morning. He preached it because he wanted to tell the congregation about what it means to live as a Christian. It means risking your life sometimes.

However, no one has ever really confirmed truthfulness of the account. It always takes place somewhere in Russia, east Russia, eastern Europe while it was under communism, etc. The name of the church has never even given revealed.

It sounds to me like a UL.

Barbara R.

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Mouse
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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It's the hypocrites that need the church the most.

Clearly the glurgers haven't read Mark 2:15-17

quote:
While Jesus was having dinner at Levi's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the "sinners" and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: "Why does he eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."




--------------------
"You see? The mysteries of the Universe are revealed when you break stuff." Coop from MegasXLR

"I distrust who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." -- Susan B. Anthony

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Cleetus Awrightus-Awreetus
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:


And what's with the

weird paragraphs? [/QB]

[Smile]

This glurge

reads

like it has been

dictated by

Bill Shatner

--------------------
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before ... he is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr

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Cleetus Awrightus-Awreetus
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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duplicate - splendid!

--------------------
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before ... he is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr

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TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I take it the priest was going to discuss the whole "Blessed are the persecuted" Beautitudes deal when everyone was told about the sham killers, but cripes, man!

--------------------
I would prefer not to.
My blog

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Tootsie Plunkette
Buy a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella


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quote:

One Sunday morning during mass, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two angels appear from the heavens, both covered from head to toe in gleaming samite and carrying golden spears.

One of the angels proclaimed,
"Anyone willing to take a spear for Christ remain where you are."

I think that would be a better test of faith.

--------------------
--Tootsie

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TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I'll take a beer for Christ if the angels offer. Even a 'Gansett.

--------------------
I would prefer not to.
My blog

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Where is your taste, girl? Narragansett Beer is really nasty stuff, even worse than Iron City or [gag] Rolling Rock.

--------------------
Ad astra per asparagus.

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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Senior:
Where is your taste, girl? Narragansett Beer is really nasty stuff, even worse than Iron City or [gag] Rolling Rock.

But isn't it a sin to turn down free alcohol?

Well, it should be.

--------------------
People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

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TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Well, if I had a choice between being stabbed with a sword or killed drinking sewage water in beer form, I'll still take the 'Gansett over the sword. Besides, it's our state beer, man. Generations drink this swill and pretend it's great. I'm not sure why, really. I guess we're a state full of masochists.

--------------------
I would prefer not to.
My blog

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TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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And to willing drink the nastiest beer on the planet is proof you'd willingly die for Jesus, isn't it? I mean, you don't pick the most pleasant way out as proof. You don't say, "I'll go lie in that field with the bunnies and deer and flowers and stare at clouds and smile until I die peacefully in my sleep at a proper old age for Jesus!!!" Not exactly as powerful as instant death to prove loyalty, is it?

--------------------
I would prefer not to.
My blog

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atimnie
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:
*Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace...

but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and work place.

Funny how religious zealots want their beliefs shoved down everyone's throats. No, wait, disgusting is the word I'm looking for, not funny.
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Doug4.7
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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This thread has been around a while, but when I saw it, I thought of the Deep Purple song, Smoke on the Water ("Smoooooooke out the Athiest!" bamb bamb bammm, bamb bamb da bammm, bamb bamb bammm, bamp bumm....). [fish]

--------------------
And now for something completely different...

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