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Author Topic: "Every time you masturbate..."
Cervus
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I think a lot of people have heard the line "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten." Where did this come from? Can it be attributed to anyone? Or did it spring from an anonymous sig line on a message board or e-mail? 30 minutes of searching revealed nothing about the origins of this quote. Anyone who has a clue is thanked in advance for helping me out!

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"There is no constitutional right to sleep with endangered reptiles." -- Carl Hiaasen
Won't somebody please think of the adults!

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kmcm
We Three Blings


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This picture made the rounds a few years ago...
it's what I associate with that phrase.

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Of course this land is dangerous! All of the animals are capably murderous. Especially the penguins.

i'm a figment of my own imagination, sometimes i don't exist

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Horse Chestnut
Happy Holly Days


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I d'know, but every time I read the topic "Every time you masturbate..." I hear little Zuzu saying "...an angel gets his wings."
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DarkDan
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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I think it came from a fark Photoshop contest.

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Missing snopesters | snopesters Facebook group | SLC Birthdays | What does "Bookachow", "YOMANK!" and other lingo mean?
"Gonna free fall out into nothing, gonna leave this world for a while" --Tom Petty

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Mr. Furious
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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That was my understanding too, Dan. If nothing else, Fark is where it's used the most.

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"He's not gonna let me in, I'm Mr. Dirty Mouth!"
- Jeffrey Coho (Craig Bierko), Boston Legal

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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Is that how it started? I've heard the "God kills a kitten" phrase attributed to plenty of acts, but never masturbation.

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I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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DesertRat
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
I d'know, but every time I read the topic "Every time you masturbate..." I hear little Zuzu saying "...an angel gets his wings."
I better start getting some goddamned "thank you" cards from those ungrateul angels...

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High on the wind, the Highland drums begin to roll, and something from the past just comes and stares into my soul... --Mark Knopfler

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DarkDan
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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I found this article on Wikipedia, which says it's from a Something Awful Photoshop contest.

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Missing snopesters | snopesters Facebook group | SLC Birthdays | What does "Bookachow", "YOMANK!" and other lingo mean?
"Gonna free fall out into nothing, gonna leave this world for a while" --Tom Petty

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diddy
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by TB Tabby:
Is that how it started? I've heard the "God kills a kitten" phrase attributed to plenty of acts, but never masturbation.

Its God reminding you that for now on, you will no longer get any pussy [Big Grin]

Now maybe you should be feeding your cat instead of Masturbating... [fish]

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W.W.F.S.M.D?
But this image of Bush as some sort of Snidely Whiplash tying the fair maiden to the railroad tracks is beyond the pale. - Joe Bentley

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Pseudo_Croat
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Originally posted by diddy:
Its God reminding you that for now on, you will no longer get any pussy [Big Grin]

[lol]

I never thought of interpreting it that way! Thanks, diddy!

- Pseudo (but what if you're already a kitten?) Croat

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"At all events, people who deny the influence of smaller nations should remember that the Croats have the rest of us by the throats." - Norman Davies, Europe: A History

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

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diddy
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Pseudo_Croat:
quote:
Originally posted by diddy:
Its God reminding you that for now on, you will no longer get any pussy [Big Grin]

[lol]

I never thought of interpreting it that way! Thanks, diddy!

- Pseudo (but what if you're already a kitten?) Croat

I aim to please. Actually it was thought up late at nite with a guy with a bizaare sense of humor.

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W.W.F.S.M.D?
But this image of Bush as some sort of Snidely Whiplash tying the fair maiden to the railroad tracks is beyond the pale. - Joe Bentley

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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Of course you all know that if this saying were true, cats would be extinct.

Nonny

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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diddy
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Nonny Mouse, Seedling Hugger:
Of course you all know that if this saying were true, cats would be extinct.

Nonny

Yes, but that would solve the problem in Wisconson with all of the house cats that are in the open.

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W.W.F.S.M.D?
But this image of Bush as some sort of Snidely Whiplash tying the fair maiden to the railroad tracks is beyond the pale. - Joe Bentley

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Joseph Z
Xboxing Day


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I've never heard of that phrase either. I do know masturbation can hurt you physically down the road, but...

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Joseph Z

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Mistletoey Chloe
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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...but only if you're not wearing your seatbelt.

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~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~

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TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I had heard "If you touch yourself, the saints cry", which makes about as much sense.

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I would prefer not to.
My blog

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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But crying saints make rain, which helps the trees and plants and flowers grow! So if you masturbate, you're actually saving the planet!

Nonny

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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Robigus, Frozen Mushroom
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by Nonny Mouse, Seedling Hugger:
But crying saints make rain, which helps the trees and plants and flowers grow! So if you masturbate, you're actually saving the planet!

Nonny

In that case, I'm off to single-handedly save the planet.


Ro"big hand for the little..."bigus

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faceless007
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by Nonny Mouse, Seedling Hugger:
Of course you all know that if this saying were true, cats would be extinct.

Nonny

I guess that proves that God doesn't exist. [lol]
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TB Tabby
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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The Babelfish already did that.

TB "Now I'm off to prove that black is white and get myself killed at the next pedestrian crossing.

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I like to go down to the playground and watch the kids run and jump and scream, because they don't know I'm only using blanks.

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Dondi
The First USA Noel


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We've got too many kittens in our neighborhood. I'm doing everything I can to help control the pet population. [Roll Eyes]

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"It won't mean a thing in a hundred years." - John Popper

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Slainey
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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But do you get to choose which kitten goes?
I could be an excellent mouser on the other side of the world. [lol]

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Dogwater
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Joseph Z:
I've never heard of that phrase either. I do know masturbation can hurt you physically down the road, but...

You've got to be polishing the bishop to a real shine for that to happen!! Like, at every commercial break of American Idol or something!

Besides, I know there's a flip side, involving puppies.

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As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

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DemonWolf
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Dogwater:

Besides, I know there's a flip side, involving puppies.

It needs those komodun thingys to be really funny.

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Friends are like skittles: they come in many colors, and some are fruity!

IMJW-052804

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inkiemouse
Let It Wasabi


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I used to use the expression as a joke between my friends and my then-boyfriend.

"You're so hot, but I can't come over... I want you so bad."
"Are you going to kill a kitten, then?"

[Razz] ...

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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ParaDiddle
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Reading thread titles can be dangerous on a belly full of caffeine and leftover jellybeans. Anybody remember a doo-wop flavored song by Paul Young?

- P

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TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Every time you go away, I beat a little meat to you?

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I would prefer not to.
My blog

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Remarkgullabull
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten? I never knew that! But then again, I've gone blind and couldn't see them anyway.

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Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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Jusenkyo no Pikachu
We Three Blings


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quote:
Originally posted by DemonWolf:
quote:
Originally posted by Dogwater:

Besides, I know there's a flip side, involving puppies.

It needs those komodun thingys to be really funny.
Um...I'm sure every time someone sends that NFBSKing picture, God gives the world a Domo-kun.

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"Never underestimate a nerd from outer space."
--Von, that alien from that Kids Incorporated episode.

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petre
Deck the Malls


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Of course it's true, where you do think the hair on the palms comes from?
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TrishDaDish
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Jusenkyo no Pikachu:
Um...I'm sure every time someone sends that NFBSKing picture, God gives the world a Domo-kun.

Oh, you are so close, honey.

For those of you who are bored, you can always play the Shoot the Cliché Game. (Don't shoot the kittens!)

Trish "Why, yes, I do waste a lot of time googling, why do you ask?" DaDish

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I would prefer not to.
My blog

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M. J. Wise
The Red and the Green Stamps


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quote:
Originally posted by TrishDaDish:
quote:
Originally posted by Jusenkyo no Pikachu:
Um...I'm sure every time someone sends that NFBSKing picture, God gives the world a Domo-kun.

Oh, you are so close, honey.

For those of you who are bored, you can always play the Shoot the Cliché Game. (Don't shoot the kittens!)

Trish "Why, yes, I do waste a lot of time googling, why do you ask?" DaDish

That game is great. I didn't think it was so funny at first, but for some reason when I have 2 icy-hot-stuntaz and a 3 christopher walkens flying across the screen, I start laughing hysterically and lose.
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Crono
Deck the Malls


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Speaking of this quote, here's an exchange that I saw on another message board:

K: Everytime you masturbate, God kills a Canadian.
J: Oh, is that why our population is so low?
K: I'm single-handedly doing my part to reduce Canadian overpopulation.

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Disclaimer: I might know something about everything, but I don't know much about anything.

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