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MIB
We Three Blings


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I'm not sure which forum this should go in, so I'll post it here. I found these in alt.shenanigans.

My favorite story is the oft-told tale of Sir Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw. Shaw had written a new play, and sent Churchill two tickets to the opening night performance, along with a note reading, 'Here are two tickets to my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one.' Churchill, ever the wag, replied immediately with the following missive: 'Sorry, but I can't make it to the opening night performance. Please send me tickets to the second performance, if there is one.'

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Lady Astor, the first lady in the House of Commons once said to him:

"If I was your wife, sir, I would poison your coffee."

"If I was your husband, I would drink it," answered Churchill...

MIB

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What it all comes down to is, dyslexics have more nuf.


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Travicus
The Red and the Green Stamps


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I think I posted something like that before.
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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Neither appear in the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations.

Both exchanges are in the Cassell Dictionary of Insulting Quotations (excellent book!), though, attributed to Churchill, Shaw, and Lady Astor as appropriate.

quote:
ASTOR: Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee.
CHURCHILL: Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.

Exchange between Astor and Winston Churchill at Blenheim Palace, c. 1912, quoted in Elizabeth Langhorne, Nancy Astor and her Friends


and

quote:
Bring a friend if you have one.

George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and critic, sending an invitation to his new play, St Joan, 1923. Churchill replied, 'I cannot come. Would it be possible for you to let me have tickets for the second night - if there is one.'


No source given for this exchange, but I would assume it's taken from their private correspondance.


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rosa rosa rosa
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Actually, Sir Winston got Lady Astor twice:

Scene: A dinner party where S.W. is greatly enjoying his wine and not greatly enjoying Lady Astor's company, being of the large group that gave her surname two esses...

Lady Astor: Mr. Prime Minister, I believe you are quite drunk!

Sir Winston: I am, Madam. But you are very ugly and tomorrow morning I shall be indisputably sober.

Oh joy.
Rosa


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Archangel
Spider Cider


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Winston was being unusually shy at the urinal, beside him an opposition politician commented on this; his reply 'every time you see something big you try to nationalise it'
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Aslan
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quote:
Originally posted by rosa rosa rosa:
Actually, Sir Winston got Lady Astor twice:

Scene: A dinner party where S.W. is greatly enjoying his wine and not greatly enjoying Lady Astor's company, being of the large group that gave her surname two esses...

Lady Astor: Mr. Prime Minister, I believe you are quite drunk!

Sir Winston: I am, Madam. But you are very ugly and tomorrow morning I shall be indisputably sober.

Oh joy.
Rosa


Isn't there another tale of Churchill at a party, and a lady walked up and said "I've bet my husband I can make you say 3 words this evening."
To which he replied "You lose".

Heh, even if it's an UL, it's pretty funny.


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Chava
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quote:
To which he replied "You lose".

I thought that was usually attributed (correctly or otherwise) to Calvin Coolidge. It exemplifies his reputation for taciturnity.

Chava


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pinqy
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quote:
Originally posted by Aslan:
Isn't there another tale of Churchill at a party, and a lady walked up and said "I've bet my husband I can make you say 3 words this evening."
To which he replied "You lose".

Heh, even if it's an UL, it's pretty funny.



That one is about Calvin Coolidge, aka "Silent Cal." There are a few variations, and I don't think it's ever been confirmed.

And in the final words of Socrates: "I drank what?"

pinqy

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Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Aslan:
Isn't there another tale of Churchill at a party, and a lady walked up and said "I've bet my husband I can make you say 3 words this evening."
To which he replied "You lose".

Heh, even if it's an UL, it's pretty funny.


I believe that was Calvin "Silent Cal" Cooledge. Of course, I can not find a cite. Cooledge, however, makes more sence since Churchill liked the sound of his own voice. I have also heard the "And you're ugly. But at least in the morning, I'll be sober" exchange credited to W. C. Fields.

PT "Lies, damned lies, and statistics" Vroman

edit - damn! Two people beat me to this as I tried in vain to verify the quote.

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supergeak
The Red and the Green Stamps


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what about this one? Churchill was walking out of a war council meeting when one of his aides approached him and said "Mr. Churchill, I have urgent business for you to attend to" at which Winston opened the door to the mens room and quipped "So do I"
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bufungla
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Sorry if this is old news (though I searched through the board and didn't see it mentioned), but the best online source for quotes I have found is
http://www.quotationspage.com/search.php3

Having said that, I can find no reference to either of the comments to Lady Astor, though I had heard about them for years. The internet collection, however, does reference a different version of "He who is young and is not a liberal has no heart - he who is old and is not a conservative has no brain".

I also couldn't find what I've been told was Churchill's reply to the rule about not ending a sentence with a preposition: "That is exactly the kind of pedantic nonsense, up with which I shall not put"

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George Bernard Shaw, Caesar and Cleopatra


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Bonnie
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I like that one too. If it makes you feel any better, this is how it appears in Bartlett’s Book of Anecdotes,

quote:
A critic (or editor) once had the temerity to correct a Churchillian sentence on the grounds that he should not have ended the sentence with a preposition. Churchill scribbled a note of his own. “This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.”

FWIW, Fadiman and Bernard pulled that from The Penguin Book of Quotations.

Another favorite of mine is a rare, less acerbic anecdote:

quote:
The photographer who had been photographing Churchill on his eightieth birthday said courteously that he hoped he would photograph him on his hundreth. “I don’t see why not, young man,” said Churchill. “You look reasonably fit to me.”


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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I was going to add to this, but forgot:

Going by the index of Cassel's Dictionary of Insulting Quotations, Winston Churchill is the most insulting person who's ever lived. He has 21 page entries for insults to other people (some of which contain several insults) and two whole pages of insults directed at him.

His nearest rival is Mark Twain, who has 15 index entries for insults to others, but only one insult directed at him (from William Faulkner, who called him "... a hack writer who would not have been considered a fourth rate in Europe, who tricked out a few of the old proven sure fire literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy.").

That's probably because most of Twain's witticisms are from essays, and directed at things or categories of people, rather than living individuals, whereas by the look of it, Churchill went round constantly insulting people to their faces...


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Anthony
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Last night, while watching a documentary on the Astors, someone whom I presume was the grandson of Lady Astor (he is the current "Lord Astor") repeated the Astor "poison" quip, but said it occured at a dinner party where Churchill was quite drunk. Astor said she would "poison his drink" not his coffee.
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Brad from Georgia
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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I've heard it like this: Lady Astor said disparagingly to Churchill, "Sir, you are drunk!"

And Churchill responded "BLEEAAAGGHHHHHHHHH!"

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Damaris
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The Book of Insults Ancient & Modern:
quote:
Bessie Braddock,MP, "Winston, you're drunk!"
Churchill replies "Bessie, you're ugly. And tomorrow morning I shall be sober"

"How can they tell?" - Dorothy Parker, on being informed that Calvin Coolidge was dead.


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Splendid Ap
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I remember one from a history class a few years back. Winston makes a comment about how they (the British) have never lost a war fought on their own territory.
A woman (Astor?) asks, "What about the Normans?"
Winston replies, Madam, we ARE the Normans."

I know nothing of the legitimacy of this quote. (I have both Normans and Saxons in my genealogy, so I think it's an interesting one.)


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Harrier1980
The Red and the Green Stamps


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I cant remember if it was Churchill or not, but I remember a story where someone received an invitation where X will be 'at home' on Saturday night.

the reply sent was ' so will I'

Harrier1980


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