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domina
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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I got this email from my uncle. Is it Carlin? (Frankly, some of them sound too dumb to be Carlin, but I'm not that familiar with the guy.)

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
Also for those of us that are old enough to understand George Carlin!
A few statements to ponder...George Carlin quotes:


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become
disoriented?


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Brad from Georgia
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by domina:
I got this email from my uncle. Is it Carlin?

Not all of it, anyway. As you note, he's smarter than that.


quote:
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

Doesn't sound like Carlin, and anyway the premise is wrong. Man and apes evolved from a common ancestor.

quote:
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Depends on a stereotype that doesn't seem like Carlin to me.

quote:
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Depends on whether they're shortened with lard.

quote:
39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

Another dumb one. The whole damn airplane would be too heavy to fly....


quote:
41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become
disoriented?

Isn't it insulting to say "oriental" instead of "Asian?" And if you use the term "Asian," do you even have a joke?

Brad "and if you do, does anyone care?" from Georgia


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pneeley
The Red and the Green Stamps


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I think I heard GC mention the question about the fly without wings being a walk. Some of these might be from him...Some.
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Cat Grey
Happy Holly Days


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Argh! I hate when my memory does this. There's another comedian, Steve Wright? It's the name I cannot remember, who does some of these. Tall guy. Speaks in a monotone.

Cat "Argh!" Grey


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Fusca 1976
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Originally posted by Brad from Georgia:

quote:
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

quote:
Doesn't sound like Carlin, and anyway the premise is wrong. Man and apes evolved from a common ancestor.

Brad, I knew the story about the debate between an evolutionist and a creationist. The creationist stated that it was absurd to think that men had evolved from apes. The evolutionist looked thoughtfully at him, and answered "well, I take it back, I guess some didn't". Perhaps the quote attributed to Carlin is a "decafeinated" version of this?

quote:
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

quote:
Depends on a stereotype that doesn't seem like Carlin to me.

I didn't get the stereotype... what is it?

quote:
41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become
disoriented?

quote:
Isn't it insulting to say "oriental" instead of "Asian?" And if you use the term "Asian," do you even have a joke?

Well, I suppose it is insulting if they feel insulted. But both terms are just geographical statements (Israelis are Asians too), so I would think they both have the same offensive potential. What could possibly have turn one into an insult and not the other?

Uruguayans call themselves "Oriental" and love to be called such.

Luís "Ocidental, not Western" Henrique


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Brad from Georgia
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Hi, Luis--the stereotype is that all hearing-impaired people speak in sign language. And the Asian/Oriental question resulted from a considerable group of our Vietnamese, Chinese, and Japanese students (at the college where I teach) formally asking the college to refer to them as "Asians." They explained that "oriental" is Eurocentric, since their countries are east of Europe. We've agreed to call them Asian students.
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Fusca 1976
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Originally posted by Brad from Georgia:
They explained that "oriental" is Eurocentric, since their countries are east of Europe.

Thank you, Brad. This makes a bit more sense - though, technically, "Asian" is eurocentric, too, since there is really only one continent there...

OTOH, Europeans refer to themselves as "Ocidental", don't they?

Luís "and 'South America' is Guatemalocentric" Henrique


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snopes
Return! Return! Return!


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quote:
And the Asian/Oriental question resulted from a considerable group of our Vietnamese, Chinese, and Japanese students (at the college where I teach) formally asking the college to refer to them as "Asians." They explained that "oriental" is Eurocentric, since their countries are east of Europe. We've agreed to call them Asian students.

a) From people's reactions to things I've written, the attitude seems to be that the term "Oriental" is now considered insulting when applied to people, but not to objects (such as rugs). How come? If "Eurocentrism" is bad, why is it only intolerably bad when applied to people but not aspects their culture?

b) Our calling the island nation "Japan" and its inhabitants "Japanese" is just as Eurocentric, since those aren't the names by which the Japanese refer to themselves. Shouldn't we change those designations as well?

- snopes

[This message has been edited by snopes (edited 03-08-2001).]


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OranSidhe
The Red and the Green Stamps


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This is something I read that was attributed to Carlin; I don't know if he said it or not but it certainly sounds like him.

Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever 'till the end of time.... but he loves you. And he needs money.

-Oran Sidhe-


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huginn
The Red and the Green Stamps


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quote:
Originally posted by snopes:
a) From people's reactions to things I've written, the attitude seems to be that the term "Oriental" is now considered insulting when applied to people, but not to objects (such as rugs). How come?

Personally, I've stuck with Oriental, because the Orientals I know personally are put off by the term "Asian." They prefer to have their own identity rather than being lumped in with Indians, Arabs, Slavs, and other cultures which are distinctly different. As this thread shows, your mileage may vary. Most of the Orientals I know are in their 30s-50s, though, and college-age individuals may be more progressive. (I have been taken to task for using the term, but always by Occidentals.)

As far as Oriental rugs, these are from the area of Persia and the Stans, not what we currently call the Orient. That was the Orient until Europeans found out there were people even further east; then that became the Orient and the Middle East was named.


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Gus
The Red and the Green Stamps


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quote:
Originally posted by huginn:
Personally, I've stuck with Oriental, because the Orientals I know personally are put off by the term "Asian."

When I was in college a meeting had been called by a student group to discuss race relations (it had been prompted by a cartoon published in the student paper). From an article in the student paper about it:

quote:
But most of the students at [the meeting]were not laughing. In fact [an asian student] broke into tears as she angrily rebuked [a white student] when he referred to Asian Americans as Orientals.

"Oriental refers to an object," [she] said.

"I'm sorry I'm not being P.C.," [he] responded.

"It's not about being P.C. It's about being offensive," [she] said.


Apparently some people do get quite insulted by the term 'oriental', which I think is silly. The etymology of 'Asia' and 'Orient' are quite similar. Asia comes from the assyrian word 'asu' meaning 'to rise'. So, 'Asia' refers to direction of the rising sun - East. Asia and Asian are as Eurocentric as 'orient' and 'oriental'.

I tend to say 'Asian' because it's less syllables.

[This message has been edited by Gus (edited 03-08-2001).]


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odaiwai
The Red and the Green Stamps


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quote:
Originally posted by Cat Grey:
Argh! I hate when my memory does this. There's another comedian, Steve Wright? It's the name I cannot remember, who does some of these. Tall guy. Speaks in a monotone.

Cat "Argh!" Grey


Yeah, most of these sound like Steve Wright.

The usual answer to 'why aren't airplanes made from the black box material' is : the interstates aren't wide enough to have all thoses 747's driving along them.

dave


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Ana Ng
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by odaiwai:
Yeah, most of these sound like Steve Wright.
dave

i read somewhere that he said 90% of what is attributed to him on the internet isn't really his. of course, i don't remember where i read it, and i used a statistic.

ana "oh yeah, a FOAF told me" ng


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Kate
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by domina:
I got this email from my uncle. Is it Carlin?

I received a very similar list a while back attributed to Seinfeld.

On the Asian/Oriental question, the only problem I've found with "Asian" is that Americans tend to use it to means "East Asian" with the British tend to mean "from the Indian subcontinent". But given the broad range of ethnicities and cultures included in either "Asia" or the "Orient", there aren't many times when either term is appropriate or accurate.

For example, Mahathir Mahamad preaches about "Asian values" while treating Malaysians who are ethnic Chinese as second-class citizens, which makes me suspect that these values are hardly pan-Asian.

Kate "Accidental" S


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Whyte_Tyger
The Red and the Green Stamps


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Oran, that one in fact he did say... whether he said it first or not I don't know, but I saw a special once where he said that (perhaps not verbatim). I think someone else he mentioned was how people still thought Santa Claus was ludicrous even though they were strict Christians.

WT


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IlGreven, Swan a-Swimmin'
Grandma Got Run Over by a Rain Check


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quote:
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I don't think he said this one, but he wrote one remarkably similar in Brain Droppings:

quote:
From George Carlin's "Brain Droppings:"

"A deaf mute carrying two large suitcases has rendered himself speechless."


Grev (If Helen Keller had a psychic ability, would she be said to have a fourth sense? is another one)


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JK Will
The Red and the Green Stamps


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Isn't it insulting to say "oriental" instead of "Asian?" And if you use the term "Asian," do you even have a joke?
----------------

No. Oriental makes more sense in some ways, since Indians, Arabs and so on are Asian but not "Oriental" in appearance. Oriental just means "Easterner". What about calling someone whose parents and grandparents were born and brought up in the USA, and who speaks no other language but English "Asian"? Then again, "native" Americans are "Asian" Americans, and if we go back far enough, many white Europeans and Americans have ancestry that rolled off the Steppes. That's not even mentioning the "Asian" Jews and Gypsies...How can somebody be "Asian" if they're not from Asia? If you're talking about their physical appearance "Mongoloid" is the word.

JK "Him Native Siberian" Will


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JK Will
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Our calling the island nation "Japan" and its inhabitants "Japanese" is just as Eurocentric, since those aren't the names by which the Japanese refer to themselves. Shouldn't we change those designations as well?
--------------------

It's interesting to note that the names "Polack", "Ruskie", "Nip" (Nippon) and so on are considered to be offensive, yet they are versions of the native names for these peoples. In Russian and Polish, they will frequently talk of Polacks and Ruskies (in their own spellings and grammar of course!). I don't know the etymology of Bohunk but I believe it comes from Central Europe and is based on Bohemia.

Incidentally there is no word in Japanese for so called "Britain", only England. Igirisu. Much the same applies to Chinese, Korean, Indonesian, Malaysian, Swahili, Hindi, Urdu, Quechua...But then again, they can only say I am "British" on paper. Being Scottish and British is a bad case of split nation/personality. That's why I don't go for it.

JK "Call me Albannach" Will


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Groucho
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Most of these quotes sound nothing like Carlin or Wright and I'm pretty familiar with both of their acts. This stuff is pretty much bumper-sticker material.
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JK Will
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For example, Mahathir Mahamad preaches about "Asian values" while treating Malaysians who are ethnic Chinese as second-class citizens, which makes me suspect that these values are hardly pan-Asian.
------------------

Much the same with Black Americans who talk about "Africa" as if SA, Morroco and Rwanda were the same. It's false too, to talk about European values, there are only tendencies. Neither Europe nor Africa nor Asia can be considered to have a single culture. Asia is probably the most diverse.

JK "Melting Pot? I thought you smoked it!" Will


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Chava
The Red and the Green Stamps


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quote:
Our calling the island nation "Japan" and its inhabitants "Japanese" is just as Eurocentric, since those aren't the names by which the Japanese refer to themselves. Shouldn't we change those designations as well?

Well, now, we call those folks in the middle of Europe (Deutsch) something that they don't use themselves (Germans). They seem to be able to tolerate it. And the Nicaraguans seem to be able to survive their country being called Nicar-aaag-you-ah by BBC announcers.

Chava


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Fusca 1976
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Originally posted by Chava:
Well, now, we call those folks in the middle of Europe (Deutsch) something that they don't use themselves (Germans). They seem to be able to tolerate it. And the Nicaraguans seem to be able to survive their country being called Nicar-aaag-you-ah by BBC announcers.

Chava


And the Magyars don't seem to fall apart into tears when called "Hungarians".

Even if "Hungarian" IS offensive (it means "ogre").

Sometimes the problem has to do with memories of opression (Rodesia / Zimbabwe comes to mind, or the British / English or American / Yankee question). But sometimes it just sounds as knitpicking nonsense in order to build a ghetto mentality.

As far as I know, the best way to deal with slurs is to turn them into a proud autodenomination.

Luís "Cucaracha" Henrique


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Kamino Neko
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by domina:
35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Not Carlin, not Wright...I know who did it, but I can't remember his name...sorry...

quote:
39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

Jerry Seinfeld. Bill Nye (who used to open for Seinfeld) hates this joke because of the crappy premise (it wouldn't fly. Duh.).

Some of them are Wright. The first ('don't pet the sweaty things') does sound sort Carlin-ish (About the middle of his carreer... just after he ditched the suit), but I can't say for sure one way or another.
Most are neither.

Tengu

--------------------
Blueberry, Blackberry, Raspberry, Strawberry
Merry Merry-go-round, Funky Funky Playground


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Psihala
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Being quite a mermaid fan, I had to laugh out loud when I read this one. (OT -- on a mermaid bboard I frequent, someone asked who would make a good mermaid. Not surprising, somehow, Britney Spears seems to be a popular choice).

~Psihala
(*Funny, I thought mermaids could actually sing...)

--------------------
StealthPost™


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Kamin
The Red and the Green Stamps


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quote:
Originally posted by Psihala:
Being quite a mermaid fan, I had to laugh out loud when I read this one. (OT -- on a mermaid bboard I frequent, someone asked who would make a good mermaid. Not surprising, somehow, Britney Spears seems to be a popular choice).

~Psihala
(*Funny, I thought mermaids could actually sing...)


I think they misunderstood...they thought the question was "Who'd you like to see thrown in the middle of the ocean and forced to swim back?"


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