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Author Topic: A long list of quotes
Kathy B
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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This list--in various forms--is all over the internet. Any takers?

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
* Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
* Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
* George Burns

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' "
* Sandra Bullock

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"
* Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
* Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
* Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
* Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
* Arnold Schwarzenegger

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
* Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
* Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
* Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
* Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson


Posts: 4255 | From: Sacramento, CA | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
PaulUnwin
The Red and the Green Stamps


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Most of those utterances are funny to imagine, and that's why I don't think any of those people actually said those things.

Paul"King of Cashmere"Unwin


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Grumpy
The Red and the Green Stamps


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I'd wager that all of these actually began as punchlines by comedians, which were later put into the mouths of celebrities. I've heard them all before, without the attribution seen here.

Grump "gay dungeon master?" y


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domina
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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By golly, Grumpy, you're right! Seems that somebody took this list of quotes from the Montreal Comedy Festival and slapped some famous names on it.

dom "blame Canada" ina

[This message has been edited by domina (edited 03-02-2001).]


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Grumpy
The Red and the Green Stamps


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How the hell did you find that?

And why would I have heard it before???

--Grump "never been to Montreal" y


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domina
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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I did a Web search. The list seems to be pretty popular on the Internet, even without the name changes. I didn't go to the festival, so I can't be 100% sure that's the source either, but it seems unlikely someone would have misattributed the lines to a bunch of semifamous comics.
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Don Gato
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Yeah, there's almost no way most of these quotes could have been uttered by the celebrities they're attributed to. Barbara Bush joking about oral sex? Yasir Arafat cracking wise about religion? Get serious. Arafat's already got enough fundamentalist Muslims who hate him -- saying something like that would pretty much sign his death warrant.

I don't know if these are from the Montreal Comedy Festival, but I'd bet anything they came from some sort of comedians. They all have that snarky, clever sort of feel to them.

Frank


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Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by Kathy B:
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
* Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

Saw this one on a T-shirt years before I ever heard of Courtney Cox. If she said it, someone wrote it for her to say.

PT "I, on the other hand, make up all of my own witty quotes" Vroman


------------------
The large print givith, and the small print taketh away
PTVroman

[This message has been edited by PTVroman (edited 03-06-2001).]


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